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It sounds like he still is; his words in your heart, if not your ear. You are, and you do deserve exactly that. Words are quieter there, and hurt more, but they're still true.
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My husband died today
- Post starter NarcSis
- Start date
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It sounds like he still is; his words in your heart, if not your ear. You are, and you do deserve exactly that. Words are quieter there, and hurt more, but they're still true.
- Post starter
- #242
Everyone may get tired of hearing this, but you're going to hear it repeatedly until I just one day decide not to go there anymore....
I can't fathom dead. I can't. My mind just can't comprehend this, or it's refusing to adjust right now.
I don't understand how you can go from being sad, "I just feel so sad inside." to being dead, having no feeling, no life, a void blank slate, a shell cast aside. I can't wrap my head around the fact of his death.
I know on a cognitive logical, clinical level that he is dead, no vital signs and reduced to a pile of ash in a canister, but Dead is hard to grasp when, if you look at a picture of the person, alive, well, warm and real, seems to come to life in your memory. You can imagine the feel of their skin, feel the delight in their smile, in their silliness, you can hear their voice, their laughter, smell them even...but then you avert your eyes to another spot and that memory is replaced by something else and that sensation of the things around you notices the striking absence of that person.
They are no longer a person. They are no longer a presence in your life. My body notices it - like some sort of gravitational pull is missing when I'm wandering through this house. It was as though when he was alive he created his own pressure field in this house and I notice now that this pressure or presence is missing. The environment around me doesn't feel right. The air itself does not feel right. It's a horrible thing to adjust too.
If he's a spirit of some kind, or an energy or existing on some other plane of reality or whatever, then is he so light that I can no longer feel him in the same ways? It gets that sometimes I just want to keep my eyes closed because I can imagine how it used to feel to have him in the house, like the air was somehow displaced in a way, but that disappears the instant I open my eyes. It sucks. It really sucks to have someone so close to you die when you can't even fathom fully the stupid concept of dead.
I had a nightmare last night. I heard him crying out, he sounded like he was in pain. In my dream I sprang from the bed, opened the door to our bedroom and began to call his name into the darkened hallway, my voice was dream-voice, shouting but hoarse and whispered no matter how loud I tried to scream for him. I could feel the panic rising in me. I was startled awake by the sound of my own voice shouting out his name. I'm glad no one else heard me.
I think the dream was motivated by the whole heaven and hell suicide thing. Someone placed that ridiculous notion in my subconscious and with my inability to conceptualize fully the concept of dead, my mind is now grasping trying to process this whole thing. There is also that lingering fear I have that I can never know - did he feel any pain when he died, was he afraid as he sat alone dying.
You know, I said the other night, if I could have been there to hold his hand as he died, I would have been. I would never have wanted him to die alone, feeling unloved, unwanted, angry, sad and afraid. No one should ever die that way. I wrote to him and told him that even though I wasn't there with him physically as he faced death alone, I was always there with him in his heart - there was no way he could have ever kicked me out of his heart. I was there with him in spirit, stroking his face, holding his hand, letting him know he was not alone, that he was loved, that he was brave, that he was forgiven for wanting to leave me so early.
I don't know what little part of him my love couldn't heal, whatever it was, it was enough to make him choose death. It was a momentary lapse in judgement that overtook him and caused him to leave me. I'd like to think he doubted his actions. I'd like to think he thought of me and regretted his decision before he died. I'd like to think that what he went through in those final seconds caused him no pain...this most of all. I pray he did not suffer for any length of time. I've seen them suffer. I pray he went quick.
I can't get used to him not being here. I still bring my phone with me to bed, as though he'll text me to let me know he's on his way home after shift - if that phone vibrates at 2am at any point in the near future, I think I may just lose it.
We had my niece over last night, I made soup and placed four bowls at the table - she laughed at me and asked who else I was expecting and then realized and looked at me sadly. I was never a One, we were always Two - no wait, actually, together we were a One, so to be half just doesn't feel right.
Today is 36 days since he died. I crave for the physical stuff, hugs, snuggles, kisses, holding hands, touching one another, looking into his eyes and watching the muscles change in the hazel part of his eye as his focus changed - I used to love watching his eyes, they fascinated me to no end...sometimes in the right light, they looked a beautiful light green.
My sister made some joke about going to check out "hot guys" at some event and I almost got angry but held my tongue. I think she was actually serious though. Guys? Is that what I'm supposed to do now? Pretend that the last 20 years of my life didn't ever happen and just pick up like some 20 year old and start dating again? I can't imagine loving anyone else. I can't imagine being with anyone else. I can't imagine finding anyone remotely like him. My sister has never actually had a boyfriend, let alone been on a date with any guy in all of her over 40 years on this earth, so maybe it's just that difficult for her to even comprehend what I've lost and what I'm going through here.
Date? It doesn't seem right. It's not like I've gotten divorced or something. I'm not exactly young, but I'm not exactly old either, I'm right smack in the middle where most people my age have 10 - 15 year olds in their homes. Where guys who are single will come with "baggage" in the form of child support payments and will be struggling just to get by on their own. Don't I have this big black star pasted on my forehead now that says I'm a widow now, so keep away? I feel like some kind of leper. I feel like...well, like who would ever be interested in me ever again?
How in hell do you date? When do you date after your spouse dies? I can't see that. I don't know. It's like his dying is just some kind of test for me to demonstrate that I can live on my own, look after myself and cope. His death has just created the greatest challenge of my life, the challenge to survive and overcome something again. Again! AS if PTSD wasn't enough for fate to toss at me, they had to take my husband away from me too!?
He's dead. What's left of him is in a container down the hall. The physical him doesn't exist anymore. It never will again. He's a memory. Trying to accept this is a lot harder than it was to accept the deaths of my brother, my father and my mother.
I don't get it.
I can't fathom dead. I can't. My mind just can't comprehend this, or it's refusing to adjust right now.
I don't understand how you can go from being sad, "I just feel so sad inside." to being dead, having no feeling, no life, a void blank slate, a shell cast aside. I can't wrap my head around the fact of his death.
I know on a cognitive logical, clinical level that he is dead, no vital signs and reduced to a pile of ash in a canister, but Dead is hard to grasp when, if you look at a picture of the person, alive, well, warm and real, seems to come to life in your memory. You can imagine the feel of their skin, feel the delight in their smile, in their silliness, you can hear their voice, their laughter, smell them even...but then you avert your eyes to another spot and that memory is replaced by something else and that sensation of the things around you notices the striking absence of that person.
They are no longer a person. They are no longer a presence in your life. My body notices it - like some sort of gravitational pull is missing when I'm wandering through this house. It was as though when he was alive he created his own pressure field in this house and I notice now that this pressure or presence is missing. The environment around me doesn't feel right. The air itself does not feel right. It's a horrible thing to adjust too.
If he's a spirit of some kind, or an energy or existing on some other plane of reality or whatever, then is he so light that I can no longer feel him in the same ways? It gets that sometimes I just want to keep my eyes closed because I can imagine how it used to feel to have him in the house, like the air was somehow displaced in a way, but that disappears the instant I open my eyes. It sucks. It really sucks to have someone so close to you die when you can't even fathom fully the stupid concept of dead.
I had a nightmare last night. I heard him crying out, he sounded like he was in pain. In my dream I sprang from the bed, opened the door to our bedroom and began to call his name into the darkened hallway, my voice was dream-voice, shouting but hoarse and whispered no matter how loud I tried to scream for him. I could feel the panic rising in me. I was startled awake by the sound of my own voice shouting out his name. I'm glad no one else heard me.
I think the dream was motivated by the whole heaven and hell suicide thing. Someone placed that ridiculous notion in my subconscious and with my inability to conceptualize fully the concept of dead, my mind is now grasping trying to process this whole thing. There is also that lingering fear I have that I can never know - did he feel any pain when he died, was he afraid as he sat alone dying.
You know, I said the other night, if I could have been there to hold his hand as he died, I would have been. I would never have wanted him to die alone, feeling unloved, unwanted, angry, sad and afraid. No one should ever die that way. I wrote to him and told him that even though I wasn't there with him physically as he faced death alone, I was always there with him in his heart - there was no way he could have ever kicked me out of his heart. I was there with him in spirit, stroking his face, holding his hand, letting him know he was not alone, that he was loved, that he was brave, that he was forgiven for wanting to leave me so early.
I don't know what little part of him my love couldn't heal, whatever it was, it was enough to make him choose death. It was a momentary lapse in judgement that overtook him and caused him to leave me. I'd like to think he doubted his actions. I'd like to think he thought of me and regretted his decision before he died. I'd like to think that what he went through in those final seconds caused him no pain...this most of all. I pray he did not suffer for any length of time. I've seen them suffer. I pray he went quick.
I can't get used to him not being here. I still bring my phone with me to bed, as though he'll text me to let me know he's on his way home after shift - if that phone vibrates at 2am at any point in the near future, I think I may just lose it.
We had my niece over last night, I made soup and placed four bowls at the table - she laughed at me and asked who else I was expecting and then realized and looked at me sadly. I was never a One, we were always Two - no wait, actually, together we were a One, so to be half just doesn't feel right.
Today is 36 days since he died. I crave for the physical stuff, hugs, snuggles, kisses, holding hands, touching one another, looking into his eyes and watching the muscles change in the hazel part of his eye as his focus changed - I used to love watching his eyes, they fascinated me to no end...sometimes in the right light, they looked a beautiful light green.
My sister made some joke about going to check out "hot guys" at some event and I almost got angry but held my tongue. I think she was actually serious though. Guys? Is that what I'm supposed to do now? Pretend that the last 20 years of my life didn't ever happen and just pick up like some 20 year old and start dating again? I can't imagine loving anyone else. I can't imagine being with anyone else. I can't imagine finding anyone remotely like him. My sister has never actually had a boyfriend, let alone been on a date with any guy in all of her over 40 years on this earth, so maybe it's just that difficult for her to even comprehend what I've lost and what I'm going through here.
Date? It doesn't seem right. It's not like I've gotten divorced or something. I'm not exactly young, but I'm not exactly old either, I'm right smack in the middle where most people my age have 10 - 15 year olds in their homes. Where guys who are single will come with "baggage" in the form of child support payments and will be struggling just to get by on their own. Don't I have this big black star pasted on my forehead now that says I'm a widow now, so keep away? I feel like some kind of leper. I feel like...well, like who would ever be interested in me ever again?
How in hell do you date? When do you date after your spouse dies? I can't see that. I don't know. It's like his dying is just some kind of test for me to demonstrate that I can live on my own, look after myself and cope. His death has just created the greatest challenge of my life, the challenge to survive and overcome something again. Again! AS if PTSD wasn't enough for fate to toss at me, they had to take my husband away from me too!?
He's dead. What's left of him is in a container down the hall. The physical him doesn't exist anymore. It never will again. He's a memory. Trying to accept this is a lot harder than it was to accept the deaths of my brother, my father and my mother.
I don't get it.
ShodokanJenn
Platinum Member
My heart breaks for you. My grandparents were married 49 years before a milk-truck driver on a cell phone hit them head on and killed my Gramma. That was nine years ago. Last year my grandpa went on one date. He ended it there, saying "she could never be her." So much of what you say, I have heard him say. They had the most beautiful love I have ever known. No regrets. What you and your husband had reminds me so much of them. If you some day share love with someone else, I hope it is beautiful and amazing. And if you never do, that is perfectly okay too. Thank you for letting us see how beautiful and amazing the love you shared is.
D
Deleted member 12723
I had a very hard time getting used to being a widow and how I hated that word applied to me. I had someone ask me when I was going to date again. Are you kidding me!?
Go at your own pace as you slowly adjust and come to terms with the current reality. People can say the most insensitive things, I think it would be better if they would just keep their mouths shut.
Go at your own pace as you slowly adjust and come to terms with the current reality. People can say the most insensitive things, I think it would be better if they would just keep their mouths shut.
scout86
VIP Member
You put that so well! I know that feeling and the absence is hard to live with. But I disagree when you say the dead are no longer people or a presence in our lives. Your husband is still, obviously, very much a presence in your life. I'd bet he always will be, but that his presence will evolve and change over time.
You do what feels right to you, no pressure. He'd want you to be happy, but being happy doesn't mean rushing into something you don't want or doing things you don't want just because other people think you should.
What I know of you suggests that lots of people should be interested in you, but I think that thought happens to a lot, maybe most, people in your situation. No one will ever love you like he did, because he was one of a kind. Doesn't mean no one else will ever love you in in a way that's good and true and worth having
stillstanding2
Gold Member
Beginning to date again can feel as awkward (and hazardous) as it did when you first dated anybody. There is no timetable for that and no script. Our society goes blank on how it is done. I made a lot of mistakes in trying to re-enter close relationships, and I had never been good at dating to begin with. I had been painfully shy and (I thought damaged) all my life.
And I had a history of TRYING to fall in love, something very different from what I know now is the real thing. I was, by nature, vulnerable to attentive opportunists.
I had just been extremely lucky when I met my wife. It took time for us to make our own chemistry, and she had the patience and insight required to see good things in me that I couldn't easily show.
It took me about a year and a half to date anyone after losing my wife, and I was not ready. I didn't know what to expect, either from my dates or from myself. The dates I found seemed surprisingly foreign to me. One of the striking things I had to learn was setting boundaries for myself and seeing unspoken boundaries in others. I couldn't spot the "games" of myself or others.
On one hand, I wanted escape into passion, and on the other, I wanted cautious non-commitment. And I found that those things don't blend well between virtual strangers. Finding a fair balance takes time. And then there are no guarantees. I've had little luck that way.
But when you want closeness again and feel ready, you can begin testing both yourself and others carefully. It helps to keep in mind that nearly everybody has something you can learn.
I almost wish there could be another specialty among professional therapists. Certified "surrogate dates", with defined boundaries, ethics. schedules, fees and goals of guiding clients through the maze of either adjustment or (in our case) re-adjustment.
I'm definitely NOT talking about prostitution, but ethical people whose purpose is individually rehearsing people like me into safe social behavior. I know this idea is loaded with taboos and potential abuses. Therefore it probably couldn't work for the mainstream. After many haphazard attempts at achieving "normalcy" in relationships, there has to be a better way of learning or re-learning our own potentials.
I hope I've made sense with this and not been offensive. I've never tried to describe the idea before. But wouldn't it be nice to look forward to a safe transition from being alone and unsure?
And I had a history of TRYING to fall in love, something very different from what I know now is the real thing. I was, by nature, vulnerable to attentive opportunists.
I had just been extremely lucky when I met my wife. It took time for us to make our own chemistry, and she had the patience and insight required to see good things in me that I couldn't easily show.
It took me about a year and a half to date anyone after losing my wife, and I was not ready. I didn't know what to expect, either from my dates or from myself. The dates I found seemed surprisingly foreign to me. One of the striking things I had to learn was setting boundaries for myself and seeing unspoken boundaries in others. I couldn't spot the "games" of myself or others.
On one hand, I wanted escape into passion, and on the other, I wanted cautious non-commitment. And I found that those things don't blend well between virtual strangers. Finding a fair balance takes time. And then there are no guarantees. I've had little luck that way.
But when you want closeness again and feel ready, you can begin testing both yourself and others carefully. It helps to keep in mind that nearly everybody has something you can learn.
I almost wish there could be another specialty among professional therapists. Certified "surrogate dates", with defined boundaries, ethics. schedules, fees and goals of guiding clients through the maze of either adjustment or (in our case) re-adjustment.
I'm definitely NOT talking about prostitution, but ethical people whose purpose is individually rehearsing people like me into safe social behavior. I know this idea is loaded with taboos and potential abuses. Therefore it probably couldn't work for the mainstream. After many haphazard attempts at achieving "normalcy" in relationships, there has to be a better way of learning or re-learning our own potentials.
I hope I've made sense with this and not been offensive. I've never tried to describe the idea before. But wouldn't it be nice to look forward to a safe transition from being alone and unsure?
D
Deleted member 12723
Just go at your own pace and be yourself and focus on what you need and want now. You have to deal with so many different issues and I think that you are doing your best with what you know right now.
I had o become stronger when my husband was no longer my protector and I was very vulnerable and had trouble standing up for myself.
Keep on writing it out and get it out of you. Right now you are still an us at the stage where you are at in my opinion. It is all too fresh and new. Roles are changing in the status quo as you have been learning.
You are a very strong person. I know that you can do what is required of you. Hugs and prayers.
I had o become stronger when my husband was no longer my protector and I was very vulnerable and had trouble standing up for myself.
Keep on writing it out and get it out of you. Right now you are still an us at the stage where you are at in my opinion. It is all too fresh and new. Roles are changing in the status quo as you have been learning.
You are a very strong person. I know that you can do what is required of you. Hugs and prayers.
stillstanding2
Gold Member
I agree entirely with @gizmo. As I said, it took me more than a year to think about dating and that was too soon. I wasn't equipped for the cultural changes, much less the more important emotional changes in me.
The rest of what I said might be something better suited to your sister, if it existed. I hope I didn't offend you @Medic72. That was not my intention at all. Maybe it sounded shallow.
The rest of what I said might be something better suited to your sister, if it existed. I hope I didn't offend you @Medic72. That was not my intention at all. Maybe it sounded shallow.
Kintsugi
Sponsor
I think you can and should date when and if you want to, and I think dating should be just as meaningful to you as you want it to be.
When we lost my fiance's stepfather to suicide, it was about a year and change before his mother started dating, and I think really she was just trying to have some fun and get a little human comfort, like she was just ready to say that she was still grieving but it didn't need to be full time, and "widow" didn't need to hang over her every moment of existence socially.
My fiance was angry about it, but I told her I supported whatever felt right to her. I know for a fact that Bill would have wanted her to be happy.
Suicide makes "dead" so much harder, I think, even harder than freak accidents like a hard fall or a car crash. I couldn't imagine if it were my spouse, really. I look back on the year after Bill's death, and there is a suffocatingly thick blanket over everything, like we were all running around through a world that was obscured by a dark and mildewed veil, its smell permeating everything, its shrouding nature obfuscating all other events.
I just hope you're as kind as possible to yourself. This is hard. This is maybe the hardest. I feel so much for you.
When we lost my fiance's stepfather to suicide, it was about a year and change before his mother started dating, and I think really she was just trying to have some fun and get a little human comfort, like she was just ready to say that she was still grieving but it didn't need to be full time, and "widow" didn't need to hang over her every moment of existence socially.
My fiance was angry about it, but I told her I supported whatever felt right to her. I know for a fact that Bill would have wanted her to be happy.
Suicide makes "dead" so much harder, I think, even harder than freak accidents like a hard fall or a car crash. I couldn't imagine if it were my spouse, really. I look back on the year after Bill's death, and there is a suffocatingly thick blanket over everything, like we were all running around through a world that was obscured by a dark and mildewed veil, its smell permeating everything, its shrouding nature obfuscating all other events.
I just hope you're as kind as possible to yourself. This is hard. This is maybe the hardest. I feel so much for you.
- Post starter
- #250
My husband and I were fully aware of the fragility of life, so we were very affectionate with one another; hugs happened as often as possible, we said I love you several times per day and like the touch-syndrome in new love, we were always finding an excuse to touch or hold hands. In love. How many people stay in love for that long?
I miss that touch. @gizmo you're right, I'm still living as an Us and not yet fully grasping the transition to a Me. That transition is going to take a long time and I'll have to be careful about acting hastily out of desperation rather than a grounded independent frame of reference.
@stillstanding2, thank you for sharing your experience, I can fully see just how difficult this transition can be for people. Interesting idea about the surrogate relationship guide, I mean if there can be such a thing as a sexual surrogate in sexual dysfunction therapy then it makes sense on the surface of it, to have a platonic relationship guide. Interesting but potentially emotionally difficult for some.
I won't be "dating" any time soon.
Today is a bad day. I'm very sad deep in my core. My soul is crying. I say this because I keep getting this urge to just scream and scream and scream. The muscles all along my diaphragm / lower ribs are very tight and sore. Deep breathing won't relieve it.
I was dealing with the insurance company this morning, ever since then I can't get the image of his car out of my head. My soul screams at that image. The lady was really helpful and compassionate, so I know this isn't frustration, it's more grief and intense sorrow.
I may go to bed early today. It might even be an Ativan day. I planned coffee with two of my old partners from work tomorrow, so hopefully I'm feeling better then.
I thought something today that really made me cry as we were out driving in the country, "I would have rather been living poorly with you, than to have money without you." The money I'll get from his insurance, and pensions doesn't mean a damn thing because he's not here with me to "enjoy" it.
God, I want to scream - how can life be this unfair!?
I miss that touch. @gizmo you're right, I'm still living as an Us and not yet fully grasping the transition to a Me. That transition is going to take a long time and I'll have to be careful about acting hastily out of desperation rather than a grounded independent frame of reference.
@stillstanding2, thank you for sharing your experience, I can fully see just how difficult this transition can be for people. Interesting idea about the surrogate relationship guide, I mean if there can be such a thing as a sexual surrogate in sexual dysfunction therapy then it makes sense on the surface of it, to have a platonic relationship guide. Interesting but potentially emotionally difficult for some.
I won't be "dating" any time soon.
Today is a bad day. I'm very sad deep in my core. My soul is crying. I say this because I keep getting this urge to just scream and scream and scream. The muscles all along my diaphragm / lower ribs are very tight and sore. Deep breathing won't relieve it.
I was dealing with the insurance company this morning, ever since then I can't get the image of his car out of my head. My soul screams at that image. The lady was really helpful and compassionate, so I know this isn't frustration, it's more grief and intense sorrow.
I may go to bed early today. It might even be an Ativan day. I planned coffee with two of my old partners from work tomorrow, so hopefully I'm feeling better then.
I thought something today that really made me cry as we were out driving in the country, "I would have rather been living poorly with you, than to have money without you." The money I'll get from his insurance, and pensions doesn't mean a damn thing because he's not here with me to "enjoy" it.
God, I want to scream - how can life be this unfair!?
stillstanding2
Gold Member
My god I remember that feeling! That and sore jaw and facial muscles from keeping a "game face" while dealing with bureaucrats. I wish I could recall for you anything I might have done to relieve it, if in fact I did. I finally did have to just break down at my bank, and after that I don't think I made any pretense that I was OK.
Hey what better use is there for Ativan? Something more serious, I guess? I hope you get plenty of good sleep.
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