Sufferer My Intro-returned Memories From Rape 6 Years Ago

[Brokensoul88]

Hi, I joined this site a few weeks ago and have been familiarising myself with it. I thought it was time for me to be brave & introduce myself properly.

I suffer from PTSD which was diagnosed on 27th March after repressed traumatic memories from the last 6 years started coming back. A month later I couldn't take any more and was signed off. After 3 1/2 months I've returned to work. It's been incredibly hard especially as I work in a very male populated environment - due to the first trauma.

I was abducted, violently sexually assaulted & raped in all UK legal definition ways of the word except the obvious one. It's been incredibly difficult struggling to come to terms with all of the ways he violated me.

Normally repressed memories happen to people with childhood trauma but my trauma was when I was 20. After that memories of traumatic events (caring for & watching my grandparent die & losing a friend to leukemia plus a few others) were repressed in the same way and all came back recently after finally starting to enjoy my life.

I feel like I don't have anyone who I can relate to because I haven't met anyone with repressed memories returning from adult traumas in addition to the ways I was assaulted. I'm hoping there are people on this site who can relate to this issue.

I have very strong flashbacks & panic attacks, I don't sleep well & spend my nights jumping awake at any sounds, which is made worse by having to live with my parents again. I feel stuck in many ways in my life trying to find control I have lost from so many life aspects.

Anyone out there who can relate?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Dear @Brokensoul88 I can relate to your experience of past traumas coming back in full fury after having some semblance of 'normal ness". I was sexually and physically abused as a child to teen, later attacked and strangled and left to die but didn't , ran away to London and was drugged and kidnapped but got away, ran away again to Europe and was attacked in Italy and Greece, came back to the US and tried to live a normal life. Married two children, job I loved, but always anxious and fearful, many phobias, alcoholic burying my pain. Sobered up and then I was terribly poisoned by chemicals I worked with which have damaged my lungs and brain. It wasn't til my chemical injury that my PTSD went full tilt. It brought back all my repressed memories.

I have been recovering from this for years. All the symptoms you described. I just couldn't get any relief. Therapy triggered me, I over used my meds for sleep and anxiety, I felt like shit. Forget sleep and vivid nightmares.

I am finally making progress because I now have a trauma specialist counseling me. He encouraged me to work on my bodies response to trauma through yoga and Reiki and relieve it or not, I am sleeping well after years of insomnia and sleepwalking. That makes me have more energy during the day. Due to the chemical damage I am unable to work full time.

Things are so much better emotionally although I fall apart at times and need a lot of support to get through those times. I cannot bring myself to tell my therapist about my CSA. It is too painful. If I do try to talk about it I dissociate.

I can't tell you how sorry I am for what you endured. That is just so tragic and unfortunate. You're right when you say you have no one to relate to. But we can here on the forum. I have meds to help me and my therapist and I swear by yoga and Reiki. We may think the trauma is stored in our brains, but memories are stored in the body too, and you have to process those too.

Can I ask what is stressful about living with your parents? Are they dismissive of your difficulties? Is there any possibility that you can change where you work? I know, it all is overwhelming, I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm prying. Who do you have for support? Therapies can definitely improve your functionality. Right now it sounds like you have two tons of trauma pressing down on your head.

If you have any questions or need advice, this is a safe place to ask. We're not trained therapist, but fellow sufferers. Welcome.

 

[Brokensoul88]

@KwanYingirl goodness you really had been through it. I feel quite inspired that you have gone through all of that and found strength as well as ways to cope.

There was & is the stress of moving back after having to sell my house and dealing with losing that independence. In addition my family are unaware of what has happened. There are only 3 friends who know plus my Dr & Rape Crisis support worker. I have to keep up a second cheerful personality when with friends & family trying to behave like who I used to be. It's only when alone or with my Dr or support worker that I can allow myself to let how I really feel out and be the mess I am now.

I love my job, that's the thing, I wouldn't want to leave it. I think it's just that I need to learn how to deal with working around so many men now. They have been so supportive at work also, by bosses have been amasing.

I take the top dose of citalopram, have sleeping tablets and take diazepam on really bad days.

 

[WillyKat]

@Brokensoul88, I can relate. I blocked out my abuse for 15 years between ages 6 to 21. There are still significant aspects that I have no memory of. I've been able to fill in gaps with logical deductions but actual memories are scant. Still I remember enough.

I think it is fairly normal to repress the memories regardless of age. I have heard stories of soldiers not remembering combat traumas.

It's also common for our lives to become constrained, meaning things we used to find pleasurable are no longer so and we don't do them. We become afraid of being triggered and tend to avoid the outside world. While doing that keeps us safe in some respects, it also limits our lives in ways that are simply unfair.

Reaching out like this and going to therapy are so incredibly huge. I never got any therapy until more than 20 years after the abuse. By that time, many scars were deeply ingrained and I'm still struggling. The fact that you've made the choice to get help I believe means you are on the road to recovery. That said, it won't be easy. I may sound like a broken record, but I firmly believe that the road is travelled one baby step at a time. Be patient, and most of all...

Welcome to the forum!

 

[intothelight]

@Brokensoul88

Dissassociation is a very common response to trauma as it allows a person to survive, but the memory lapse is very frightening especially when the memories return. It is not uncommon in adults and with adult trauma as you will find by the stories and posts on this site. There is a lot of information here about flashbacks and panic attacks and tools for helping to manage those symptoms. Perhaps the best part is finding people who really understand and getting the support and encouragement as you work on healing.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Brokensoul88 it sounds like you have good support. I kind of get the family dynamic. My mother claims that none of my traumas bothered me. She's not right in the head. I think what she really meant is that none of it bothered her. It's weird playing a role with the family, not able to be honest with them. It's easier than knowing if get no support even if I asked for it.
Since you like your job and boss, I think it will get easier. You know I bet if those guys knew what happened to you, they'd move heaven and earth for you. There are more good guys than bad.
Best wishes.