Hello everyone.
I would like to apologize for my mistakes in English in advance because I'm not a native speaker.
But I do hope to find the right words in English. I didn't find an approriate forum in German that's why I decided to join here.
I'm 27 years old and I learned about my PTSD two years ago. It was more an accident that I learned about it but I'll try to explain in my further introduction. I can't tell a certain event which lead to my PTSD.
I'm what you might call a gifted child. I started to have problems in school because I was bored in the elementary school. My parents had me tested and as a result I skipped a grade. The problems never stopped in my further school life. I changed schools several times and I even went to a boarding school. But the situation was the same everywhere: I was too young, too motivated and it lead to mobbing most of the times. I got bullied in various ways but the worst was in my 10th year. I stood up against one of the bullies so that he had to apologize, but afterwards he told me that he had a gun and he would shoot me. He said this right after an amok-shooting at a school in Germany. My parents took me from this school immediately because the head of the school didn't take the matter seriously. After this point I only went to school to get my degree and for nothing more. It was only surviving. I didn't fit in quite well and had lots of arguments even with teachers.
School was like a hell for me for twelve years but I didn't want to leave it without a degree. I got that degree but I totally lost myself because I was functioning and nothing more.
I also got a boyfriend in my last year at school. It took me some time (in fact: years) to realize that he was selfish and narcistic. The psychological violence coming from him was keeping me small. He couldn't bear it when I was better in something or when I didn't want to have sex. He always blamed me for being different and that I should be happy that he was willing to deal with me. Sometimes he even pinched me when I couldn't stop crying or didn't share his point of view. He was really strong so I even had bruises sometimes.
Because of my school history I didn't have many friends and so I believed him. I never had enough social interactions to gather experience. It just ducked and thought it might be better this way than being alone again.
After school, I started an education at the police. I do my work properly, I love my work. I love it to help people.
During the time of my education I started to sink in depressions, to cry a lot without reason and to fear the contact to people as soon as it was personal. I don't have problem with business contacts. My boyfriend just blamed me for making up problems. He didn't understand that I was having a really hard time - and so I started a therapy because of social phobia.
Shortly afterwards I broke up with my boyfriend but he started stalking me. I always received messages and friends or my sister told me that he has been asking questions about me. We still have some friends in common and he is always following and watching me on events where we're both invited. I feel so sick when he's there.
In 2012 things escalated at my work. I changed from patrol service to criminal investigation and the new department gave me a very hard time. Their was a minor issue during my first week and I didn't want to lie just to keep a colleague save who made a mistake. I have the opinon that you have to stand for what you've done - especially in my job. That started a mobbing situation and I felt like I was back in school. I started hurting myself, couldn't sleep...and my therapist offered me to go to a psychiatric hospital. The hospital was really spiritual and since I'm a pragmatic and realistic person...I didn't get along with their concept. But they had education lessons and that's where I realized that I didn't suffer from social phobia but from PTSD because I did never fit in as the typical phobic or depressive person.
I could switch the department in the meantime so it's gotten better at work again.
My current state is that...I don't know where I want to go.
I'm doing my daily work, I have my flat, I do my sports...but I have to keep on functioning. As soon as I get a rest with nothing to do...it's like I'm suffocating.
I would like to have a relationship again but I'm deadly scared to get closer to guys. And I'm not into women. I can't imagine to give up control and to trust a man this much again...and since I'm no good in smalltalk or in the usual daily issues of people in my age...most people don't know what to talk with me. I'm always the little geek, learning lots of languages, studying parallel to the job...it's to keep my busy.
I don't have many friends and they don't live close by so I just can't drive over to have a chat.
My family...it's like my parents and my sister are a family and I'm connected to them somehow, but I don't belong there. I always feel like I'm disappointing my parents because I'm still alone. They don't know about my fear about getting pregnant. I can't stand the thought. ...it's like I'm letting them down. They know about my problems but ...it's like talking in different languages when I try to explain myself to them.
My biggest fear at the moment is that I might lose my creativity. To keep myself stable I can't allow too many feelings...I loved to play the piano but when I sit in front of it now...the music seems to go too deep and I'm frightened even if I love music more than anything else.I also used to write stories, poems, little texts...but it's like I'm becoming an empty robot. I survive, get my things done...but I don't feel anything. I wish to feel something, I wish to verbalize the feelings but I'm scared. And it's so hard to explain when the people around me don't understand why I'm scared...
And I think...I wrote enough for an introduction. I'm sorry that it got so long.
I hope that I might be able to make some connections here.
Anrish
I would like to apologize for my mistakes in English in advance because I'm not a native speaker.
But I do hope to find the right words in English. I didn't find an approriate forum in German that's why I decided to join here.
I'm 27 years old and I learned about my PTSD two years ago. It was more an accident that I learned about it but I'll try to explain in my further introduction. I can't tell a certain event which lead to my PTSD.
I'm what you might call a gifted child. I started to have problems in school because I was bored in the elementary school. My parents had me tested and as a result I skipped a grade. The problems never stopped in my further school life. I changed schools several times and I even went to a boarding school. But the situation was the same everywhere: I was too young, too motivated and it lead to mobbing most of the times. I got bullied in various ways but the worst was in my 10th year. I stood up against one of the bullies so that he had to apologize, but afterwards he told me that he had a gun and he would shoot me. He said this right after an amok-shooting at a school in Germany. My parents took me from this school immediately because the head of the school didn't take the matter seriously. After this point I only went to school to get my degree and for nothing more. It was only surviving. I didn't fit in quite well and had lots of arguments even with teachers.
School was like a hell for me for twelve years but I didn't want to leave it without a degree. I got that degree but I totally lost myself because I was functioning and nothing more.
I also got a boyfriend in my last year at school. It took me some time (in fact: years) to realize that he was selfish and narcistic. The psychological violence coming from him was keeping me small. He couldn't bear it when I was better in something or when I didn't want to have sex. He always blamed me for being different and that I should be happy that he was willing to deal with me. Sometimes he even pinched me when I couldn't stop crying or didn't share his point of view. He was really strong so I even had bruises sometimes.
Because of my school history I didn't have many friends and so I believed him. I never had enough social interactions to gather experience. It just ducked and thought it might be better this way than being alone again.
After school, I started an education at the police. I do my work properly, I love my work. I love it to help people.
During the time of my education I started to sink in depressions, to cry a lot without reason and to fear the contact to people as soon as it was personal. I don't have problem with business contacts. My boyfriend just blamed me for making up problems. He didn't understand that I was having a really hard time - and so I started a therapy because of social phobia.
Shortly afterwards I broke up with my boyfriend but he started stalking me. I always received messages and friends or my sister told me that he has been asking questions about me. We still have some friends in common and he is always following and watching me on events where we're both invited. I feel so sick when he's there.
In 2012 things escalated at my work. I changed from patrol service to criminal investigation and the new department gave me a very hard time. Their was a minor issue during my first week and I didn't want to lie just to keep a colleague save who made a mistake. I have the opinon that you have to stand for what you've done - especially in my job. That started a mobbing situation and I felt like I was back in school. I started hurting myself, couldn't sleep...and my therapist offered me to go to a psychiatric hospital. The hospital was really spiritual and since I'm a pragmatic and realistic person...I didn't get along with their concept. But they had education lessons and that's where I realized that I didn't suffer from social phobia but from PTSD because I did never fit in as the typical phobic or depressive person.
I could switch the department in the meantime so it's gotten better at work again.
My current state is that...I don't know where I want to go.
I'm doing my daily work, I have my flat, I do my sports...but I have to keep on functioning. As soon as I get a rest with nothing to do...it's like I'm suffocating.
I would like to have a relationship again but I'm deadly scared to get closer to guys. And I'm not into women. I can't imagine to give up control and to trust a man this much again...and since I'm no good in smalltalk or in the usual daily issues of people in my age...most people don't know what to talk with me. I'm always the little geek, learning lots of languages, studying parallel to the job...it's to keep my busy.
I don't have many friends and they don't live close by so I just can't drive over to have a chat.
My family...it's like my parents and my sister are a family and I'm connected to them somehow, but I don't belong there. I always feel like I'm disappointing my parents because I'm still alone. They don't know about my fear about getting pregnant. I can't stand the thought. ...it's like I'm letting them down. They know about my problems but ...it's like talking in different languages when I try to explain myself to them.
My biggest fear at the moment is that I might lose my creativity. To keep myself stable I can't allow too many feelings...I loved to play the piano but when I sit in front of it now...the music seems to go too deep and I'm frightened even if I love music more than anything else.I also used to write stories, poems, little texts...but it's like I'm becoming an empty robot. I survive, get my things done...but I don't feel anything. I wish to feel something, I wish to verbalize the feelings but I'm scared. And it's so hard to explain when the people around me don't understand why I'm scared...
And I think...I wrote enough for an introduction. I'm sorry that it got so long.
I hope that I might be able to make some connections here.
Anrish
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