Welcome to the forums. You're not alone and I hope that helps a little. I agree with the others about minimising. I also totally understand how it's possible to be seemingly completely separated from the reality of the situation (i.e. feeling it's 'not that bad'). I find it useful to remind myself, that if it was another person, a family member or friend - heck, even a complete stranger - telling me the same story, I would of course think 'that is truly awful!'. I'd feel really upset for that person, and want to reach out and give them a :hug:. I read your story and I feel that way - I feel for you, and know of course that is traumatic, and is not anything anyone, let alone a young child, should EVER witness. That it was your mother, is worse still. Yet when it comes to my trauma, I am like you, in that I often struggle to 'connect' to it, and feel confused as to WHY am I that messed up about something that's 'not a big deal'? You're not alone in feeling this way. I think that you felt anxious typing your story to share on here is telling - it is a hint of what you really feel deep down, buried likely until you feel safe enough to be able to process it.
I witnessed my mother dying also. She was an alcoholic and a codeine addict, and had a fatal heart attack in her mid thirties. I was 10 years old, and even though a few minutes before she had told me 'go away, I just want to be left alone!', I went back into her room, as she was having her fatal heart attack. I froze for a moment, then calmly asked if she was ok, then said 'I'll go get Dad" (she was unable to breathe, or talk and was in severe pain, judging by her face). I blame myself like you do, for not 'doing it better'. I didn't yell at Dad that something was wrong, I told him, and because the tv was up loud (for my deaf grandmother to hear) he could not hear me, so it took several attempts for me to be heard. It was such a severe heart attack, that even if she had been in ICU when it happened, it's not likely she would have survived, but it doesn't stop the guilt, huh,
What you saw in front you was very traumatic - I know you blame yourself for 'not calling 911'. Firstly you were a child; secondly, most people, when witnessing something so traumatic, 'freeze' and do not move quickly to 'act' or 'think straight'. It's called 'fight or flight' and it is NOT something we can control. Few adults in your situation would be able to think 'call 911'. Even trained professionals can freeze on their job, in traumatic situations. I knew about that response in theory, but having been through several major, devastating earthquakes, I know for sure it is absolutely out of our control. Why? Because all the different stories I heard and people told me. Mothers with young children / babies, when the quakes struck, some found themselves running for the doorway / safety, and leaving their screaming babies / children, behind 'in danger'. Yes, they went to them once the shaking stopped, but in that moment of sheer terror, they acted 'without thinking'. Huge feelings of guilt with their 'failure' to protect their babies and children. Then there were the stories of big, burly men in the centre of town, who walked past multiple trapped, dead or dying people, and went home. Later, they felt tremendous guilt and shame, for doing this - one mans said in the paper - he cannot understand why he just walked past those needing help - young people, the same age as his children. He was strong and 'capable' of helping, he wasn't injured, but he just 'went on auto pilot' and went home. Then there were the 'heroes' - they too, reported 'acting on auto pilot' and 'jumped into help, without thinking', even though they put themselves in danger doing so. You hear that all the time in situations like this - a random stranger leaps into help, and when asked about their bravery later, they almost always say "I just did it". That is flight or fight - it is not something we can 'control'.
And it also varies as to how you will respond in any given traumatic situation. When my mother was dying, I was calm (i.e. cut off from all feeling). I asked if she was ok, and when I got no answer, I 'went to get Dad'. From that experience aged 10, I assumed that if anything' big' happened, I'd be able to respond in the same way - cool, calm, collected. And in a lot of situations (i.e., my work, I can - and I do, when faced with potential life threatening emergencies in my work situation). But, when the earthquakes hit, I was too afraid to leave my house for hours and hours. Even though I am a trained health professional, I turned OFF my pager, and ignored my phone, because I was simply too traumatized to be capable of thinking of anything, other than my own, immediate survival. It took a LONG time to be able to accept that was 'fight or flight', not me being a gutless bitch.
Anyway, sorry for the novel - just wanted to say, you are not alone, you're not to blame and I hope you settle into the community here and feel as supported as I have over the past few months :hug:.
