Relationship My Kids And Their Innocence

[Court]

Anyone who has followed my post and knows what's going in this past month will understand why I'm posting this.

My children 13,10,7 are all counting down the days til the dad returns home from deployment as he has promised them before leaving a family vacation. He has told me he still intends on us all going on one which I am not sure is a fantastic idea. Mostly due to him telling me and checking into divorce for a month. He is now undecided but I am pretty set in my ways about it being for the best.

He is also promising them TVs in their rooms, a trampoline for our backyard and many other things for which us going our own ways is not even possible. My children hold onto every word he says. They do not know anything except mommy has some really sad days.

We bought a new house a year ago something we picked out everything for. The house will have to be rented as neither of us can afford it. It breaks my heart knowing just how dysfunctional things are going to be when he returns home and now my anxiety is at the highest it's ever been.

Do I tell him to stop blowing smoke up their butts or just ignore this all and let the kids voice their opinions when he gets home? I'm lost I can't talk to family anymore because they are now expecting me to sit here and wait and see what he does when he returns home.

I'm just at a loss right now it's eating me alive. I go to my T on the 20th and I know that will hopefully help.
Court

 

[amethist]

I would tell all of this to your therapist and take the advice given.

Promising your kids the earth wont make them love him more, especially not if they then find out he is going to let them down with divorcing you.

Not sue what advice to give you except be prepared for your kids being as upset as you are now. You are going to have to be strong for them as well as yourself.

 

[nursenurse]

You can't hang on to a broken marriage for the sake of the kids. I would nix the family vacation, I know everyone all around will be disappointed, but you can't go on living a lie. Ask your therapist, I don't think he gets home before then anyway, you are in such a hard, hard place, and my heart goes out to all of you, including him.

I think you could just tell him to stop making promises to the kids, that is not unreasonable, next time he contacts you. I wouldn't get into the heaviness of why not, just state it and let it go. He's scared, that is why he is promising the moon, like making all the promises will mean that the status quo will be maintained.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Do I tell him to stop blowing smoke up their butts or just ignore this all and let the kids voice their opinions when he gets home?

Both.

Personally, as a single mom, I hate my ex promising my kids things that he is not going to deliver. That is the worst, because it is then left to me to pick up the pieces afterwards. My kids are now 13 and 16, and they don't believe a word their dad says to them because of this repeated behavior over the past 12 years. It is heartbreaking all around.

I might, without saying anything to the children at all, tell your husband to stop making promises to the kids that he may not be able to hold up. He needs to make up his mind before he makes any promises. If not, he is going to hurt his kids, and they are going to end up resenting him.

Sometimes you have to be the momma bear.

As far as the kids are concerned, they will make up their own mind about the situation. It is really important not to try and 'fix' things your ex is doing, and/or not blame the ex in front of them. Kids are smart, and they can smell BS a mile away. It's best just to be honest with them when they ask you direct questions, and let them handle things they way that they want to. They need to voice their opinions, and your husband needs to hear them if he hurt them.

The kids are going to be angry and sad if their parents divorce. They have to work through those emotions in their own way though.

The hardest part of getting divorced is watching what it does to the kids. But if the relationship is bad, they are going to be better off not being subjected to that on a daily basis. You know what is best for your kids.

Good luck Court... it really does get better eventually. Divorce sucks terribly for awhile, but sooner or later it does get better.

 

[DMerish]

Gosh Court - What a difficult position you're in.

My children 13,10,7 are all counting down the days til the dad returns home from deployment as he has promised them before leaving a family vacation. He has told me he still intends on us all going on one which I am not sure is a fantastic idea.

Unfulfilled promises can really messes with one's heads. If it were me, I would definitely ask your husband to stop making promises because it seems at this point the two of you won't have a good handle on your finances and what you'll be able to afford/how each of you will live in the future.

That being said, if you and your husband are able to have a civil relationship and can enjoy being with the children together, I think I'd do the vacation thing as it could be the last happy memory that your children have of being part of an in-tack family, and your children will bond with that memory. I wouldn't spring the impending divorce on the too soon after the vacation. . . wait until later when you and your husband have details worked out.

Drew (so sorry for what you and your kids will be going through . . .)