My Life Is Completely Pointless

[Kilili]

I feel like my life has lost all meaning or purpose. I am so lost and confused, and I feel like I am losing my mind.
I am on Zoloft and Concerta (ADHD). I have been in therapy for two years now, and nothing is changing. I feel like the zoloft is just fake happiness.

I went from being in a severely abusive relationship to this. And by this, I mean that I am so stuck. I am 26 years old. I don't have a license. I don't live on my own, and my therapist recommends that I not try to live on my own. My health is poor. I am terrified of leaving the house. I hate my life. I hate being stuck here. I force myself to go out when I have to, but the agoraphobia continues to get worse and worse. The only thing I live for is my child, and I feel guilty because she deserves a better parent than PTSD mommy.

I do graduate school from home and thats it. I dont even know why I do grad school. I guess because I am hoping to increase the odds of me finding a job that allows me to work from home. And that may never happen because I will probably fail if I cannot get myself to be at least a tiny bit motivated. I have things to do right now, but all I want to do is lay here. As it stands now, I have dragged my laptop into bed with me. Everything in the house is a mess. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get out of bed. I just want to sit here on my computer or watching Netflix.
And the icing on the disaster that is my life is that I dont feel anything. I rarely ever feel happy, sad, or anything - except for of course, angry, scared, on edge, or angry. I snap at people I love. On some level I must feel guilt, and I allow myself the self-loathing experience of smoking, drinking, sex, and whatever else I can do to try to feel anything but how I feel right now.

My question is: What is the point of living if this is my life? What is the point of waking up everyday only to continuously alienate the people who should matter to you? Going from my horrendous relationship to this is like going from one prison to another. I have no faith in things getting better. As a matter of fact, things continue to get worse. My therapist is now suggesting that I may in fact have type 2 bipolar disorder in addition to the PTSD. Isn't life grand?

 

[Fosamu]

Is your therapist a trauma therapist?

 

[Kilili]

I am not sure. She has spoken many times of handling trauma cases, but the phrase "trauma therapist" has never been used.

 

[Hidup]

It's a good idea to find out if she's a trauma therapist. What kind of therapy are you doing?

 

[Amun]

Have you been on other ADHD meds? A side effect of some of them is flat-affect. Aka zero emotions / zero motivation / zero personality. It's either a direct effect of the meds, or a learned effect as some people experience nausea with emotions, so they learn to keep their emotions completely still to avoid throwing up. Usually only takes about 3 months for learned-flat-affect to be strongly in place. Good news if it's learned, is that it reverses either immediately or in about a month. Better news is if it's direct effect, it will be gone as soon as the meds are out of your system.

I can't take any of the Ritalin family (of which Concerta is one)... Because that's exactly what happens to me.

 

[Tasip]

I should also mention that flat affect happens (right before uncontrollable sleeeeeeeep) if I'm on too high a dose of any stimulant.

8 shots of espresso = mellow
12 shots of espresso = flat affect
16 shots of espresso = ZzzzzzzZZZzzzzzz

That arc is true whether we're talking amphetamines (Adderall, Desoxyn, etc.), cocaine, caffeine, nicotine... Any stimulant I ordinarily react just fine to. Methylphenidate & Dextroamphetamine I go flat on at any dose. Amphetamines I tend to lose my creativity & excitement on, but retain my other emotions.

Everyone's brains react differently, even all ADHD brains have adjacent neurology that means some people are super happy on Adderall, while others angry (Adderage)... Or have flat affect on one family of drugs but not another family... Or, or, or.

But the arc is fairly true for most people. Too high a dose = zonked out.