My Mom Is Going To Phone Me Today.

[littlelostchild]

About 6 months ago I told my sister about my abuse history - my father, grandfather and uncle sexually abused me. As a very young child our bedroom was in the basement which I believe made dads nocturnal visits easier for mom to ignore. When we lived in our other house,, I would visit my parents bed where mom was passed out. Dad would also randomly grab my breasts at times around the house.

Before my sister told mom about the abuse, mom was suggesting things like, 'she lies you know', but when ultimately presented with my reality, mom said that she had no idea it was going on.

My sister has convinced mom (without me knowing) to phone me today to discuss this. I have no clue what to do. I know she will offer excuses. I actually think she believes she had no idea. It was 40 years ago.

I am still hurting so much, but moms response to my sister upon hearing about my trauma was that she is too old to support me. She has never supported me during my life and I don't think she is capable of starting now. I don't want to hear her excuses. What do I do so that the call doesn't become all about her - she is super self-centred?

My t asked me this week what reconciliation with mom would look like (ironic, eh), but I don't know.

Any ideas or questions for me to consider would be welcome.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Leopards don't change their spots.

 

[Ellabella44]

sorry i dont know of anything that could help, my mother is self centered as well and i havent been able to change that at all. try to not let her get to you when she gets like this. maybe if she is getting too much for you, cut her off with an "appointment" you need to go to, after all she is calling you at as far as i know an unscheduled time. taking care of yourself has to come first, and if she cant believe you, or makes this about her, i dont see the point in trying to fight a battle you cant win. hope all goes well

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

It's a shame your mum wasn't their for u And u had to suffer alone. It depends on what you want? Is it for her to acknowledge that she knew it was going on and turned a blind eye? Is it a mums comfort and support you need ? Or do you want her to be accountable for failing you as your mum? Or do you just want to offload?
I think you need to identify what you want out if this call so you can be in control from the onset, and ultimately is it going to change anything ? The hurt, the emotions the abuse and all your sufferings ,a simple phone call is not going to take it away how you feel! It may hurt more because you may feel very let down and do you really want to go over something that happened 40years ago to someone who should have protected you, I think the call will be more of a hinderance x but if you need answers then go for it. Good luck , in my prayers .

 

[KwanYingirl]

You must be my sister, because you just described my mother. When I revealed my sexual abuse to her about five years ago, she casually replied that she knew he abused other girls from his first family ( it was my step grandfather), and I mean casually, no shock, no denial, no compassion. About a year ago she told me if she had known what was happening she would of stopped it. That fell like a slug. My whole family just ignores me now.
Yeah, it hurts, I wish I was related to people who care about me. Like Solara said-leopards don't change spots. It confuses my children that I am not included in family functions and they are. ***holes.

 

[GWhizz]

I don't know what to advise. Everyone's situation is different.

But I met with my mum a couple of times recently and it was not worth it. She still continues to act like nothing ever happened. In fact she text me today asking if I want to meet her next week - I thought after the last time I met her it was pretty obvious I wasn't going to continue to attempt a reconciliation. She still treats me like dirt and talks down to me.

From what I can read from your post, you believe your mother knew the abuse was ongoing and never tried to intervene. She doesn't wish the support you now as she's 'too old'. Your sister pushing her to contact you means nothing, she needs to do this for you and show you she does support and believe you and care. I think she also owes you a big apology whether she knew or not, she failed to look out for you and protect you.

 

[sun seeker]

I am still hurting so much, but moms response to my sister upon hearing about my trauma was that she is too old to support me. She has never supported me during my life and I don't think she is capable of starting now.

Ouch. I can so relate to this. My mother and I are planning on starting family therapy - her idea actually - soon and I am dreading exactly this kind of response. Unfortunately it's not uncommon. When I first started telling her about sexual abuse a year ago, her first letter to me said she was "surprised, but not totally" and then she went on to tell me about her current sex life (still no idea what that had to do with the price of eggs in China) and that she would write more later. No words of empathy, shock, or caring of any kind. I waited a month for her to write more like she'd said she would, before writing back to tell her how inappropriate her response was, and had to spell it out in minute detail. She still doesn't get it. I can totally see how I could have tried to tell her at age six and been ignored, if this is how she is still ignoring me as an adult. It hurts.

As far as how to handle the call, I know it's easier said than done, but you are in charge of how long you want to listen. You are allowed to stop her at any point and say "I'm not going to discuss that." You will have to set limits that feel comfortable for you (or less uncomfortable anyway) and stop before you get into that victim pattern. Let us know how it goes.

 

[sun seeker]

When I revealed my sexual abuse to her about five years ago, she casually replied that she knew he abused other girls from his first family ( it was my step grandfather), and I mean casually, no shock, no denial, no compassion.

I know someone whose mother had almost the same exact response, verbatim. Realizing how often this happens has made me wonder how often family members actually have a helpful response. It must happen sometimes!

It helped me a little to read a book about families where incest occurs. There was a chapter about typical characteristics of the families, things like poor communication, poor boundaries, shame-based discipline, denial (public face vs. hidden reality) and so on. It described my family to a T. It helped me a little to realize my inability to get through to anyone in my family is not about me. Doesn't make it hurt any less though.

 

[littlelostchild]

Mom phoned and said that she heard what my dad did to me and she had no idea about it. She told me that she was sorry and wished that I had told her (which I had when I was very little). She also told me that dad had affairs with other women but she didn't know that he had abused me. When I mentioned about a girl I had heard about him being accused of sexually assaulting, she tried to change the subject, then said she wasn't sure. When I mentioned finding child porn after he died, she mentioned her knowledge of adult porn use.

All in all a reasonable conversation. She didn't have a melt down and she said she was sorry it happened. She doesn't remember me telling her and she is still in denial of a lot of his behaviour, but not a train wreck as I had worried. I think it's the first conversation I've had with her in decades that wasn't entirely about her, so that's progress.

Thanks to you all for your support and suggestions!

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I'm really pleased it went relatively well and it's quiet evident your mum is in denial . As long as your satisfied regarding your conversation then that's all good. Well done for having the courage to speak to her Eventhough you remembered certain details of your abusers and abuse and events that hurt you as a child and your mum surprisingly developed amnesia !!!! I hope you will gain the confidence to choose which direction you are going in life! I kind of get the feeling your mum will want to build bridges in her old age and will want you there for support ! Tread carefully but also don't forget in the light of your hurt this lady is your mum, she may have suffered abuse too and maybe at hand time it was easy to turn a blind eye! Life might or might not have been difficult for her and she may be reaching out to her daughter before it's too late . I hope it works out for both of you. I'm my prayers always x

 

[GWhizz]

I'm glad you felt you made progress and that you got a sincere apology though she does still seem to be in denial about her knowledge if you had told her and she did nothing to prevent it recurring.

Well done for being strong and for the fact that, through all of this, you seem mainly concerned for your mum's wellbeing and that this doesn't throw her all over the place.

 

[littlelotte]

You may be surprised, with time, what she does remember. Although she may not admit it, memories are likely to come back now that it has been brought to her attention again.

My brother abused me as a child and my mom does not deny me telling her, she just thought the allegations were too odd to be true. Since we have started discussing what happened, she has started recalling more and more events she witnessed that were red flags.

I've always had a good relationship with my mom, thankfully. Being open with her about what happened since the memories have come back and what I am going through now has really helped bring us even closer. Hopefully, this phone call can help you heal in some way. (Sorry, I don't really know how to explain it.)