My need for validation causes problems

[HealingMama]

Hi everyone, wondering if others deal with this. If I share my position about a situation and how my spouse has acted, if he is defensive and refuses to consider my point of view I get really upset and angry.

My abuser never let me have a voice. I don't handle it well when people close to be refuse to consider my position or needs as valid.

It results in a multi day conflict because I don't want to just let it go when he does this, it is like my entire emotional life and right to exist is on the line so I get very stubborn and insistent.

I've told him over and over just try to find some truth in what I say and the conflict is over but he won't listen so everything gets really toxic.

Can anyone relate?

 

[The Albatross]

Is your spouse your abuser or is this baggage from your past? Either way, yeah I can... relate.

 

[HealingMama]

Spouse is not my abuser, I don't think, although he has acted out a lot of anger. I think he might be a covert narcissist. I'm not sure. He is triggering as all h--- but I think primarily because he wants to be a safe person. I don't even know. How sad is that.

 

[Kintsugi]

It is extremely difficult to deal with people whose go-to stance is defensiveness.

Would it be possible to talk to him about why he feels defensive? Can you talk him through something like, "I'm not upset at you, but when you do X, I feel Y?"

Honestly... I wish I could help you more. My mother is the queen of defensiveness. It's excruciatingly difficult to communicate with her. She's gotten far better, but she's also been in therapy for about 4 years now.

 

[The Albatross]

Yeah I relate. I even go off around here now and then when I think people are "stepping on my voice". I am not though in my situation presently/now. It is a throwback from my past abuse/relationships. It is though a hot spot.

I find most often I am totally willing to "take it preverbally on the chin and that I am entrenched sometimes to a detrimental point to have a say/an opinion.

 

[Friday]

It results in a multi day conflict because I don't want to just let it go when he does this, it is like my entire emotional life and right to exist is on the line so I get very stubborn and insistent.

How much are you becoming what you're afraid of? Denying him any voice by insisting on yours as if your life depends on it?

 

[HealingMama]

Simply Simon,

I would love to try your idea. He hears an attack when there isn't one intended and sometimes I don't stay in the "clear and conscious negotiator" headspace as much as I want to. We both have self esteem issues but it is hard to notice when that's where his mind goes because he just reacts with vitriol.

Friday,

I love your question so much. I would like to think that I do offer acknowledgement of his position even as I also hold quite stubbornly to the right for my own to be seen. It is rarely an either/or and generally we both have a point but I do sometimes dig in and refuse to move at all to validate his view because he foregoes that with me much more often than j do it to him so I have a backlog of need around this.

Great thing to ask myself. Thank you again.