My Neighbour (again)

[scout86]

She sounds......interesting? I think you could say exactly that, actually. And, remember, being polite isn't about telling people what they want to hear, it's about the technique you use to say "get out of my life".

 

[barefoot]

@scout86 In a way it's been a bit of a relief hearing that the same thing has happened to someone else....that it wasn't just me being totally useless...and that she is clearly unstable and has no boundaries at all.

Who on earth would listen to someone say that they couldn't talk to you about your issues anymore and you should speak to a friend instead and then go ahead and ask them if you can move into their spare bedroom for a while?! It's up fathomable to me! So, maybe this new information is helpful in making me see that some of this is her not me.

Something tells me that a subtle, diplomatic, read-between-the-lines-of-what-I'm-saying-to-you approach isn't going to work with her. I think things will need spelling out. So...yes...if I end up in a situation where she asks if she can move it, I think I'm going to have to be very direct and clear with her about that otherwise I just don't think she'll get it.

Wow...this has kind of blown my mind today...I'm taking a Valium!

 

[sun seeker]

What you say is, "No. I need my space." The fact that you have extra bedrooms does not mean you owe them to anyone, much less someone like that.

Having just gotten out of a situation where my house was being taken over by a friend who took a mile when I gave an inch, I really sympathize with what you are going through, and strongly advise you not to let her get a foothold.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hope that you are able to relax and get calm, being calm makes for better results and I think that some very serious self care is in order for you. Keep your doors locked so she cannot just walk into your house, I had this happen to me before, people can be very disturbed but I believe that good fences make good neighbors.

 

[digger]

Need to come up with a reason to tell her if it comes to it.

The only reason you need for not having a stranger move into your house is that you don't want a stranger moving into your house. That is in no way unreasonable in any circumstances. Personally I would try to avoid normalising her behaviours by trying to come up with reasons to justify your 'no'. You'd be saying no because her expectation and request would be unreasonable. x

 

[ladee]

@barefoot, what I am about to say, please take as said with a lot of compassion.... you might try to consider getting yourself grounded right now... first of all, none of this has happened... none of it. She came back, you ignored her . She hasn't been back..
You are getting yourself so upset about things that might happen.... when you haven't been able to set any boundaries to begin with... please keep in mind... this is said with concern as to how far you have taken this in your mind.
Please try to get yourself grounded and then read up on distorted cognition.
I am sending you hugs of understand on how things like this can take over our life. I know, and I do understand. You can get a hold of this and come up with a plan to get yourself calmed down. If in fact she does return, then you will be more proud of the way you handle things.

 

[barefoot]

"No. I need my space."

Yes, I think I could say this. Simple, to the point and not overly justifying myself. Thanks.

I believe that good fences make good neighbors.

:-) I'm with you on that!

The only reason you need for not having a stranger move into your house is that you don't want a stranger moving in to your house

Yes, and I agree with you re normalising/justifying. Need to not engage with her in a debate about why/why not

Thanks all.

 

[ladee]

I feel I did not word my post to you in a way that was supportive. Let me try again. I am hoping that you have a grounding technique that you use when your anxiety level is very high. None of your fears of the woman intruding on your privacy have come to pass. Possibly, if you can try to be in 'here and now', it will be easier on you to implement the suggestions you have been given.. sorry about the first post... it was not my intention to sound so judgemental.

 

[barefoot]

@ladee - I don't feel ungrounded. I feel anxious because I don't want to be caught on the hop and to not have thought this through and to therefore have difficulties setting down my boundaries again in the awkwardness of the moment.

I have read a lot about cognitive distortions. I know I'm feeling anxious about this. But I also think that as she's gone to my neighbour to ask about moving in with her for a little while in the same timeframe as the two weeks she's called here and we haven't opened the door, I think it's a reasonable assessment to think that she'd have asked us the same thing if we'd have opened the door and spoken to her. And that she might still be on a mission now, just a few days later, if she's that desperate to get out of her house. And I think she must be pretty desperate if she's just going to neighbours instead of a friend/relative.

I was supposed to have therapy today and would have brought this up then to talk through some more practical ideas so that I feel more prepared for if she turns up again or if I bump into her outside and I can't avoid her. Unfortunately, my therapist cancelled on me this morning and I won't be seeing her now for another three weeks. So, I think that hasn't helped with how I'm feeling generally. So I think, as a result of me not talking this through with her today, yes, I'm still feeling pretty anxious about it.

Maybe you're right and it's not helpful for me to keep posting here when I'm feeling anxious. Noted. I'll step away from my keyboard!

 

[ladee]

That is not at all what i was saying @barefoot, of course come here and share... you are getting some great feedback... just was concerned about your anxiety level, nothing more... apologizes for not thinking my answer thru before I posted...

 

[Deleted member 29920]

So she's just looking for someone to use - that's how I see it. The best place for her if her home is so toxic is women's aid or the local council. And maybe an organisation that helps people with sexuality. She's looking for help in the wrong place/s! And that's her own fault, I'd have to blank her because she has been totally out of line in the first place.