Relationship My Partner Has Ptsd Since Leaving The Army

[Jenny Oldham]

Hi all, I have never do anything like this before, I have only been with my partner 7 months but I love him dearly, he has PTSD since leaving the army. I want to try and understand what he's going though and see if there is anything I can do with the way he suddenly reacts and how I should deal with it when it happens. We have had a good few argument and a couple of times it has become aggressive, he says horrible things and tells me he doesn't love me but I no he does and it's the PTSD that's making him this way.

He is a lovely man and most of the time he is brilliant with my children but he can't handle them at times, I do not know what to do really, I Know I want to be there for him and try my hardest to help and understand him I just don't no how to go about it. He says I could never help him or understand any of it as I haven't been though it. Our relationship is failing he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and don't want it end I love him an want to be there for him :(

 

[arfie]

Hi Jenny. Welcome to the forum.

I am the PTSD patient in my partnership. "Humanity" is the closest my beloved has come to a psychiatric diagnosis. That is enough for him. His choice and plenty to "prove" my PTSD is not the only problem in our relationship.

I let it be a simple fact that I don't get to know what the love of my life is going through at any given moment. I don't get to crawl inside his skin and feel his feelings. I let it be a simple fact that he has to work out his own puzzles on his own. Sometimes being elsewhere is the best way to be there for him.

But each of us have to work out our own piece of the puzzle. This forum is a great place for the sorting. Welcome.

 

[scout86]

Has your partner sought out any professional help? This isn't the kind of thing that can be easily "fixed" without it. I'd recommend the book "Once a Warrior, Always a Warrior" for both of you, but mostly I'd recommend that he checks in with the VA, if he hasn't and that he seeks out the help he needs. Sooner is better than later.

Welcome to the forum and good luck to you both!

 

[Jenny Oldham]

Hi thank you for both for your replies, he had help while he was in the army but once he left he hoped he could go it alone by taking his mind off things and getting a job flat ect, so he just stopped his medication, he has a doctors app next week though, thanks for the advice on the book I will look into that :)

 

[Sweetpea76]

Welcome Jenny.

There is a great supporter section here, and quite a few of us are partnered with combat vets. Lots of good advice to be had here.

As far as the aggressiveness goes, vets have been trained by the military to turn and fight in "fight or flight" situations. This training is reinforced by this behavior having allowed them to survive in combat. This leads to a lot of combat vets with PTSD being a bit aggressive when it comes to stressful situations, like arguments or confrontations. This doesn't necessarily mean physically aggressive, but temper and patience issues for sure.

The best thing you can do to help with the arguing and aggressive behavior is to set some boundaries and stick to them. It seems strange or mean at first if you are not used to it, but you will save yourself a ton of grief once you master the process.You cannot argue, clam down, or reason with a sufferer when they are lashing out at you. You just have to remove yourself from situation and set your boundary... you will not allow yourself to be the target of any nastiness, temper, or lashing out.

When the situation escalates, you simply say "I will not continue to talk to you while you are lashing out. When you have calmed down you can call me, and we can talk." Then you remove yourself from his presence. Leave, take the kids, and do not contact him until he has settled down and contacted you. This does a few things. Firstly, it takes you away from any aggressive behavior. Secondly, it allows for a cooling down period. Nothing good is ever going to come out of being in each other's faces when your partner is a sufferer. Stress just escalates things. Thirdly, if you do this consistently every time he is aggressive, he is going to eventually learn that if he wants to talk to you about issues, he needs to do it calmly.

He is going to have to help himself by getting treatment. You can't help him with that. Setting a boundary is one way that YOU can deal with one of his symptoms though (aggression).

Another thing that you can do to help is educate yourself. Getting on this forum is a good start. There is a lot of information and advice on here. I recommend a few good threads.

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/things-to-know-when-dealing-with-ptsd-as-a-carer.5740/
https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/

I also recommend the book "The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Relationship: How to Support Your Partner and Keep Your Relationship Healthy" by Diane England. It is a great starter book for supporters, and it has some specific information on Combat PTSD.

Good Luck.

 

[mamabuckeye]

I'm new to the site as well and figuring out these uncharted waters of combat PTSD, too. We are in the baby steps of having him diagnosed and medicated. I've been researching and came across a helpful tip to set a "code word" when he is flying off the handle and can't snap out of it. The person said their word was "acorn" and so we adopted that word, too. I haven't used it yet, but I plan to when things get heated fast (especially when it deals with our kids). I wish you the best of luck. We've dealt with untreated PTSD for almost 7 years now. I'm happy he's finally getting help now that he is being medically retired (ankle and heart).