My Sister Is A Trigger I Can't Escape

[ForgotToLive]

It's so hard and such unfamiliar territory for me to be on the receiving end of getting/asking for help/favors/anything of any kind from anyone on this planet... just excessively unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I am only comfortable depending on myself. Additionally I have a very low tolerance for feeling exposed, vulnerable, or out of control. There is a big feeling of doom associated with things I feel I can't fix... that's why you see in my origional post how much energy I have spent searching for a fix. I can't cope with the feeling being unable to fix the things that pain me. You are right... totally unreasonable and unrealistic expectations. My T said perfectionist but it's a more about a need to stabilize, control, and fix everything.

It's a prickly feeling, like allowing yourself to be publicly naked and ugly and then covered by a heavy invisible cactus blanket.

But I feel empowered that I was able to come back and read the rest of the replies "just like a big girl" tonight... lol Good grief, I am at least able to see the humor in how irrational my fight/flight/freeze (avoid to protect) hardwiring is!

Sooooo... I did identify as being enmeshed with my mother who depended upon me emotionally, physically, financially, just way too much. I worked as a dishwasher at 10 years old one summer and my mother used the money to pay the mortgage... as a teen she used me to open bank accounts which she ended up kiting checks on and so I started my adult life blacklisted from being able to open checking accounts for 7 years... she put a lot of pressure/guilt trips on me to try to get me to not go to college because she "needed my help..." later she guilted me and my husband into paying thousands of dollars to some bailsbondsmen or bountyhunters or something on behalf of my little sister... I found out years later the money actually went to my sister's pimp who was suppoosed to use it to bail out my sister but never did... in the end, it was me and my husband who paid my mother's funeral expenses even though she was married at the time of her death.

I guess me NOT realizing that level of enmeshment with her would have been impossible since it was so blatent and unapologetic.

But I never saw it with my sisters. I just knew I feel differently about "family" than everyone else does.

@violentbutterfly... I'm actually feeling wronged that my T didn't say any of the things you've said. I mean I went to him for 3 years starting right after the bathtub drowning/restraining order thing!!! HTF did he miss what you were able to hit on the head in the first few concise sentences??? He never once said "co-dependant" or "Al Anon" or anything really like that. Plus he preached boundaries involving relationship moderation.

And I get the message loud and clear that you ALL are saying cut it off with both sisters and my niece. I really don't have any other realitives besides my 2 sisters and each of their daughters so that would end so much pain. (Besides in-laws... who are all truly awesome) Have you ALL cut these kinds of relatives out of your lives successfully???

Somehow to me that's a lot like saying "all you have to do to lose that 20 lbs you always needed to lose is use your teeth to gnaw off that gangrene arm of yours..." meaning, while 100% true it somehow seems like just waiting till it kills me would be so much easier somehow.

I do have mental images of several people in my life drifting in the ocean, hanging onto strings as a lifeline, me on the other end of the string... and my desire to cut those strings is palpable... but so MUCH pain and guilt and empathy at the idea of letting those people drown... stupid and unproductive mental imagery, I am well aware! Nonetheless it's very much there.

I get that it's a long and hard process... the letting go. I'm not sure I can or which of them I need to. My older sister used to be completely toxic too (bulimic, pathological liar, violent, etc) but over the past 10 years she has come a loooooong way.

I looked up Al Anon meetings in my area. There are a few options. I'm going to go to one before the week is over.

I have a ton of gratitude for each person who replied, all really great and eye opening advice. Thank you!!!

 

[Deleted member 541]

@ForgotToLive I think you may have empathy and sympathy confused.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I'm glad for you that you are considering Al Anon. Remember to try a few different groups to find the right fit for your needs. If you didn't search for ACOA (Adult Child of An Alcoholic) groups, you might want to ask about those while at an Al Anon group meeting. In either regard, look for a group with a lot of recovery in it (people who've worked the program(s) for a good long while).

Also, I found it helpful to adhere to the following slogan during group meetings: "Listen and learn." It takes a minute to understand the program, and to get to know group members and group dynamics.

Oh, and, when the cactus blanket descends, there is a children's book entitled "Too Purpley" that might lighten your mood. Makes me chuckle every time I'm feeling like nothing seems to fit, life is too uncomfortable, blah, blah...

 

[Sideways]

Your relationship with the people around you starts with your relationship with yourself. Yes, you clearly have empathy in in overdrive.

But empathy, and swooping in to help or save others, is a really solid form of avoidance. If you let people into your life, there's always going to be things you can find to do to help them, because no ones life is perfect.

What happens if you shift the focus to yourself? Helping yourself build a stronger, healthier, happier you? What are your needs? What do you need to heal from?

Sometimes, the best thing we can do for loved ones is just let them be, sick, messed up, struggling, needing help - however they are, let them be them.

And that leaves you with yourself. If you remove everyone else from the equation, what do you need?

 

[ForgotToLive]

Considering them less

I'd love to... How? I mean I don't think of her in the windows where I don't hear anything about her. It's just when she contacts me or uses my other sister to get info to me that my anxiety skyrockets. I hate when she reaches out to me.

See, it would be so much EASIER for me if she was malicious toward me. But it's the opposite. All she wants from me is my love and a relationship.

But it's like being asked to love a trainwreck that is on fire and shrapnel is crackling off in all directions. The train wasn't trying to crash and wasn't aiming at you... It just had no understanding of how to stay on the tracks. And the train isn't even remotely trying to shoot the shrapnel at you... and worse yet the train is saying to you "your love is all I want from you".

I'm glad for you that you are considering Al Anon. Remember to try a few different groups to f...

I cannot believe I wrote the above to @Ronin this morning on my phone but didn't post until now when I reopened my login and it's still there because as I was responding to Ronin A TEXT FROM MY SISTER CAME IN. I swear I must have some 6th sense!!!!!!!!!!! I think the last one was only recently, around New Years. So I finally opened the text after freaking out all morning because I finally convinced myself it was going to be a 2 sentence hello like it is sometimes but IT WAS THE EXACT OPPOSITE. I can't even read it!!!!!! It starts off saying how lonely she is and how much she wants her family to be close... And now I am freaking out!!! I called a new T that I just started with to try to move my appointment up but he didn't pick up. BUt he doesn't know me anyway. There is a CODA meeting at 6:30 tonight. There is an Al Anon meeting in an hour. I don't want to go when I'm in the middle of being such a mess. What am I going to do walk in and burst into tears? Talk about trainwrecks. I feel like I ran out of time and now she is finally confronting me head on about it. I have no idea how to respond. I can't even finish reading it. The longer I go the worse it looks.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Ragdoll Circus - Absolutely! Liking that post 100 x. :tup:

 

[VioletButterfly]

@ForgotToLive - From what you have written, you seem to be very overwhelmed and stressed. It seems like it might be helpful for you to get some headspace away from triggering situations/people. A meeting might not be the best/safest place for you right now. Please take care of yourself.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Your relationship with the people around you starts with your relationship with yourself. Yes,...

@ForgotToLive I've been attempting suicide well since back in the late 70's (last attempt - in '03), and my sister, the over-achiever and like me - extremely sexually and violently tortured Patricia, she too like you - may very well have come to your conclusion - that it would be the best solution for me, her, and our family (most are passed now) if I had succeeded and completed suicide. I have waited a while after reading your post to reply.

I would never, ever believe and come to the conclusion that the solution for anyone nor myself would be to be successful in completion of suicide. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. No, I don't like that quote. I believe that the grand full majority of suicide attempts are by people who do not want to die - they do however very very much want the violent pain to stop. Hence, suicide prevents allowing person(s) from at some point (when everyone stops enabling them "learned helplessness" by well meaning yet crippling family members/ friend(s) "interventions", etc. to hit their inevitable rock bottom. If suicide, if going into recovery, prison, etc. and I don't want anyone to die because they are extremely distressing me, causing me great pain, and precluding me from moving forward in recovery. That's all on me. Excuses to not live my life, and deal with my own set of problems and circumstance.

I have stringently enforced boundaries. I am speaking only for me. This is about me and my life - not about your position thoughts, and feelings about your sister - only mine involving my beloved bio-sister, Patricia. So grateful (on a few days) that I was not successful in completion of suicide attempts (multiple). And hopefully (hope springs eternal now that I am in emdr therapy) I will be grateful more and more as emdr sessions continue to rewire and re-format my brain. Hope, I have hope today - more than at any other time in my life. As horrible and wonderful as emdr is. I have hope, hope, hope. And I also agree with @RagdollCircus

Big difference in my relationship with my sister - and your relationship with yours. I never ever counted on nor asked my selfish and self-centered ego-centric bio-sister wealthy sister (she married into wealth and still to financially hook dad for both of her defaulted on by her -co-signed by dad- college x 2 loans) for one single solitary thing. I never ever asked her for one expletive thing, except to please, please LOVE me. Even when we were living under the same roof, she acted superior to me and condescended to me on most every level and in every way humanly possible. I was never ever good enough for her - to be her sister. Patricia, my sister, was a cruel and mean bully. She bullied me nearly into suicide completion. Yet, I take full responsibility for every attempt. That's on me, not her as she throughout my life verbally just like dad did - emotionally and psychologically gutted my core (being).

One Christmas I helped dad (Pat of course was away at college (professional college student was her major) pick out a Christmas present first - and the last expletive time. She threw the beautiful suede dark beige fashionable vest in my face, after opening wrapped gift - and said "You like it so much, you wear it!"

You see @ForgotToLive, Patricia took the high road - two college degrees (almost financially drained our alcoholic dad dry, and she never married until she'd financially sucked (we were scraping by) two college degrees out of dad. He chose to support her narcissistic need for two college degrees ($40,000 to $60,000 in loans for second Dentistry degree) and - dad even paid her expletive off-campus college housing rent, car, clothes, food, college essentials x two, etc. Although she has labeled me "crazy" due to illness, she has been married three times and has made many serious poor life choices of which I will not list here. So narcissistic; she's had her face stretched I don't how many times to now she is not even recognizable as my beautiful size 6 big blue-eyed, long blonde haired sister. She looks asian instead of American and I am not kidding one iota - had I not seen her on social media and met her in the street, I would never have recognized her as she looks freakish now. And as her choice, no severe trauma therapy (she remembers all of it - I do not most of it only in nightmares - and some horrific memories too). Her husband back in '96 (after I called re: gastro dr. raping me, and I started to unravel and recall in nightmares sexual child molester trauma memories in nightmares) said that explains a lot about your sister - she never told him about our violent and traumatic past - hmmm. And she keeps me away, almost always has - except for "throwing me a bone or two years back".

You see, she has always needed to feed her lack of self-worth and her lack of self-esteem through college degrees, cars, clothes, status and surrounding herself with people who are dependent/co-dependent. She sent my half-sis back to Ohio several yrs. ago after half-sis stayed out with Pat was Sigma Nu Lil' Sis, and A0 Pi (Western KY Univ) Sweetheart. She graduated with elementary. education teaching degree from that college. Then the April 3, 1974 tornado - she had to go back to college for a Dentistry degree to make up for the lost parts of her right foot. Actually, for the whole she's lived with in her character and core all of her life (like me) due to extreme abuse that we both experienced (most of it together, not all).

All she sees (she once shared) when she looks in the mirror is her outer exterior. She was driving around in her car during actual time the April 3, 1974 hit Louisivlle, KY and her; it almost killed her. Tornado took part of her foot (right) and she said to me one day while lying on her bed, "No one will ever love me now!" She was (prior to facial plastic surgery) sooo beautiful - and yes I understand she felt so disfigured (foot) yet Patricia always was superficial and needed academi and people, places, and things to "fix her" and she could never love me, nor treat me with love. She broke my heart. Patricia was void of love for me why? Because we went through sexual, physical, verbal psychological torture and violence together? That was not my expletive fault! First marriage was to U of L college professor whom she was unable to love; next she married Hedgespeth who beat her; then now the money man. My sister whom I love and has treated me like garbage for most of my life has never shown me love without my having to pay a huge price for it ex. berating and self-confidence shattering labeling by her of me; big one - no love shown from her and would not receive any from me.

And I use to be the one crying (still do on occasion) because I have always wanted her to love me and spend time with me - ain't gonna happen (don't believe so). I used to have her up on the pedestal she has herself upon, and I took her down off that pedestal a little while back. I pray to God for her - but not for her to be able to love me. And I can't fix her, nor can I make my bio-sis love me. I have let go and let God. Never asked her for one expletive thing except for her to love me - tell me she loves me. Uh-uh. Not going to happen. Moving on now. No longer running on empty waiting for her to change, and for her to go into extreme trauma therapy. I've let go. (When mom died and I walked into room - my sister lied (her guilt for how she had treated me all of my life) and said mom held on as long as she could - had been dead for an hour - half-sis said Patricia lied. She called me the day after my dad had passed away - I had to go into crisis center. Sister had funeral home call me the day after dad had died. What an expletive @#$%&***&%$$##@@ - her actions spoke so much about how much venom, rage, and hate she still carries for herself. That was not about me. I am not a puppeteer. I am not ever again going to be responsible for another person's mean, insidious, cruel, and vile personality traits and vomitus behaviors. I live in a zone where no sister, no human being slanders me to my face, and failingly attempts to glom their sickness on to me (vomitus free zone). My sister is cruel to those in subordinate positions - she treats them like dirt beneath her feet i.e. customer service personnel, those of low income means, etc. We have nothing in common except our DNA. That's it.

I am moving on and am in recovery and I no longer try to be like her or anyone else. I only try each day to be - me. I no longer wish to be like her. I have wrinkles, and I lack one semester completing one college degree. And I am ok with that. I also have prolonged comlex ptsd, and oh boy she does too. I would imagine after reading your post here- that we most definitely - no doubt whatsoever- would trigger each other wildly and madly. Again, I am grateful (some days) that I did not complete suicide. And I am also extremely grateful that who I am and my validation no longer am I seeking from her. For I truly would be dead and I would have successfully completed suicide. Thank you for your post. I suggest compassion through prayer for your sister - not wishing she were dead and yes cease the dependent/co-dependent relationship. There are so many ways to love another human being, sibling, or otherwise without getting tangled up in their web of illness and perpetuation of same. And I agree with members who posted that you need to fully focus on you and what needs to be dealt with regarding why you feel the need to fix everyone, but yourself. Are you not worthy in your own heart and mind to begin healing process for yourself? I still very much love my bio-sis and half-sis. I do not allow them to vomit their crap on me, nor have I ever vomited mine on them. When family members refuse to come out of denial that the entire family is effected by trauma, division occurs and elevating self to diminish may occur instead of full on daily attempt to try and stick with recovery for myself (yourself).

Thank you so very much @ForgotToLive for posting this about your sister. You very much helped me clarify my continuing need to keep focus on myself and I have stopped waiting for others to enter therapy. It's my time now. Done comparing myself to others, including sister. I am no longer of victim status (family place me in) and I am a survivor, some days a conqueror, other days (post emdr session - again tomorrow) crawling and fumbling around in the dark as my brain takes the post emdr sessions effects to brain and I become confused, vulnerable (only for a short time as brain processes, etc.) and I am getting stronger every session. I have learned that what my family, and other people think about me is - none of my business. I do not have to people please anymore. I am free. Free on road to discovering who I am - not who the world thinks I am. I wish you all of the best life has to offer you. And I wish you love, love, love. (hugs) and (hoping for deep healing within) for you @ForgotToLive

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Corrections: 6th Para.LIne 4 - times 2 college degrees, etc.;

4th Para. Line 2 - ...and still managed to ongoingly and continually unsuccessfully hook dad for two college degrees (would not tell her very wealthy husband that she owed $40,000-$60,000 in debt...dad had me call her and he had cancer and had me (and I obeyed my dad should've stayed out of their messes, but NO, and I asked for my dad (who could have asked for himself - for Patricia to have her wealthy husband pay off her loans. Needless to say this made her angry - for now she'd have to tell him (her husband) yada, yada, yada...vomitus bull-crap...

7th Para.Line 3 - ...stayed out all night (slept with one of Patricia's law colleagues and Barb (half-sis) came in and Patricia told Barb to pack her stuff and go back to Ohio. Now Barb had quit a career in Ohio and sold her vehicle, and Mom was hurting (back then) because Barb chose to move to Fla) and Patricia w/Bible in hand told Barb to move back to Ohio because Patricia was judging harshly Barb's behavior (Patricia had been pregnant at least 2 times w/ no husband and no baby- the pot calling the kettle black!

7th Para. 5th Line - hole (not whole).

Hope y'all can make sense out of the above; so many errors, and no way to correct them to where the above post by me makes sense to y'all. Sorry. Much love to you @ForgotToLive. I pray for so much healing for you. JadesJewel

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I'd love to... How? I mean I don't think of her in the windows where I don't hear anything about h...

Going back to @Ragdoll Circus post. Sums it up for me re: what you need to do for yourself @ForgotToLive.

 

[ForgotToLive]

I would never, ever believe and come to the conclusion that the solution for anyone nor myself would be to be successful in completion of suicide.

After all this time I am now strong enough to come back and read on, so I am seeing your very deep reply now. Please know I didn't read and disregard it (as the time lapse may suggest)

I can't digest so much at once so I will reply as I go. I can see some strong similarities but also GLARING differences.

First off I am atheist. I have no ties to any kind of higher power. So any thinking I have is my own, not that which must fit into any preconstructed parameters.

And I see suicide as a reasonable option. Not just for someone who I chose to codependantly be tortured by... (I own my own responsibility in my pain) Please try to understand that as sacrilegious as it may be, I see suicide as a reasonable option for ANY person who doesn't have children. I did not ask to be here and therefore if I find my life to be torture then I think it entirely unreasonable that I am required to stay, unless I have children (in which case I have given up the RIGHT to opt out) I feel that if anyone has even just one intrinsic right on this planet it is that no person should be forced to wake up each morning if they don't want to. (Unless they have kids) If your situation was such that you really were just having a momentary inability to handle the pain but on other days you find value, than suicide wasn't the right choice for you and I am very grateful that someone saved you. But I do believe some people simply have never known how to find value in their own life and that they may find it somewhat pointless to carry on with the farce day in and day out. In their quiet moments... I'm not talking about in a low moment... I mean even while they are laughing some people do feel this way. I feel those people should not be condemned or shamed for considering opting out to be a reasonable option.

In that way, please truly understand that I am in no way hoping "my problem" evaporates so I can move on with my perfect life...

 

[ForgotToLive]

selfish and self-centered ego-centric bio-sister wealthy sister (she married into wealth

I really don't see myself as selfish and self-centered but I'm open-minded and reasonable and if you can identify that I am, then I will have to consider that I may be. My sister hardly ever asks me for money but I offer her help for a selfish reason so maybe you have something there... Her pain becomes my pain and I want her pain to stop so mine can stop. I can see how that is selfish and self-centered.

As a side-note though, I have wealth ONLY due to an entire lifetime of ABJECT FEAR of being homeless, despirate, and vulnerable which ate at me night and day not even letting me sleep on many nights. I always felt I was everyone's security so I had to have resources to support them all... (yes the psychology is a mess but I'm being honest in that is how I always felt) I fillled out my own paperwork to apply and I attended college and using standard school loans/grants, I earned a degree in Finance *despite* my mother asking me not to go... (MUCH LESS her paying even one cent) The man I married, I met in college 22 years ago and he came from modest parents who did lend us $5,000 to help us buy our first property but the rest of the down payment we borrowed from his 401K where he worked making $29k/yr to put himself through graduate school. Plus we asked the sellers to carry back 10%, which they did. But please be very (very) clear that my parents never helped me. Right to the end. I literally paid 100% of the expenses to bury my mother and my father died when I was 6 weeks old. So taking my "share" was QUITE the opposite. I always PAID both me and both my sisters "shares" all along the way.