My Sister Is A Trigger I Can't Escape

[ForgotToLive]

except to please, please LOVE me.

This is all my sister wants from me too.

 

[ForgotToLive]

she acted superior to me and condescended to me on most every level and in every way humanly possible. I was never ever good enough for her - to be her sister. Patricia, my sister, was a cruel and mean bully.

I'm guessing my sister also thought/thinks I "acted superior" (?) in that I held everything together... I have no idea about being condescending... I mean I disapproved of her skipping class, not doing her homework, not coming home, doing drugs... I disapproved because my entire life revolved around me devoting all my energy into getting the hell out of the life I was in... I could not endorse her doing everything she could to guarantee she would be stuck forever... so yeah maybe I resented her choices a bit, knowing full well I'd be having to work twice as hard to make sure someone was willing/able to hold it all together for everyone. But I NEVER bullied. I helped her with homework and created a "thinking room" so that she had consequences... I did my damnedest to parent her. There was zero sibling rilvary. Zero bullying unless you label the fights over her decisions to self destruct as "bullying". Disapproved, yes. Shook my head in frustration and anger, yes. Bullied, no.

She threw the beautiful suede dark beige fashionable vest in my face, after opening wrapped gift

I'm really sorry this was your experience. I have no concept of ever having the desire to do this kind of thing.

Hell... by the time I got married (in HI) my mother had some money and flew my little sister to HI to attend my wedding... my sister came to the island but was too loaded up on crystal meth or whatever at the time and didn't even bother to show up for any part of the cerimony!!! I think I saw her one time the entire time my mother was there! Plus she told me she was "having sex" with my 1st husband during a fight once when while we were all living under the same roof... Decades later she recharacterized it as "you let him rape me..." So my treatment of my sister is POLAR opposite of your experience...

 

[ForgotToLive]

she never told him about our violent and traumatic past - hmmm. And she keeps me away, almost always has - except for "throwing me a bone or two years back".

I disclosed to my husband a lot of what happened to me and my two sisters. Although I will be THE FIRST to admit I shield him regularly from ongoing issues... It's for my own sanity probably more than his. I need my home to be stress-free. It's my safe bubble.

He can't really relate but he's non judgemental and if anything he's sympathetic toward them both... He trusts that I need to figure out my own way. If I want to help her he supports me. If I back away he supports me. Both my sisters characterize him as a fantastic person. Once I could not speak with my older sister during a very low period I was having and he independent of me paid for her criminal defense lawyer. Money means nothing to him and if he thinks he can help he will.

she has always needed to feed her lack of self-worth and her lack of self-esteem through college degrees, cars, clothes, status and surrounding herself with people who are dependent/co-dependent

I don't feel that I have a lack of self esteem. I think wearing/buying expensive brand named things or owning depreciating assets make you look 100% foolish. My little sister is the one who cannot afford to pay for her second night at a hotel because she chooses to buy 1 night and use the rest of her money to eat lobster for dinner and then post the lobster pix on FB!!!! I live WAY BELOW my means. And I used my education for one thing only, to figure out how to control money so that it could no longer control me. I have never once even so much as hung my degree on any wall.

she's had her face stretched I don't how many times to now she is not even recognizable as my beautiful size 6 big blue-eyed, long blonde haired sister

All 3 of us (me and my sisters) have used various enhancements. In this society where physical beauty is to women what earning potential is to men... who hasn't/wouldn't? My older sister has a boob job. My younger and older have done hair extentions. I use eyelash growth liquid. Me and my older sister use botox for forehead wrinkles. I don't see that as a character flaw unless you lie about it. But I can see you are saying your sister is super fake and trying to be better than she is. I see that insecurity as sad. It means she looks to others for her own worth... I feel pressure to look attractive but not for self worth. I feel pressure because I don't want to be vulnerable. Beauty gives power to women. It sucks because it's a loosing battle but it's true. It's not the only way to get power but it's just one of the tools.

she could never love me, nor treat me with love. She broke my heart. Patricia was void of love for me why? Because we went through sexual, physical, verbal psychological torture and violence together? That was not my expletive fault!

You are breaking my heart... It's so not fair that everyone who lives through these childhood horrors comes out being hurt and hurting others no matter how hard they try not to. We just do the best we can and we can't do it all. We are just trying to stay sane. Just trying to survive. None of our best is good enough for each other... that is the hard part. You said earlier that you were not good enough for your sister in her eyes but clearly she is not good enough for you either in your eyes! We all have needs that the others cannot meet because we are all fundamentally f*cked up in various ways. Me and my sisters and you and your sisters... we all had different abuses and all used different coping mechanisms to survive... and we all survived. Well WHAT NOW?! Now we are supposed to be perfect as if we never went through all that??? Unlikely at BEST... My f*cking mother and father gave LSD to my older sister when she was 5 years old and had sex with her... Then my mother (who was a porn author) PUBLISHED A f*ckING BOOK ABOUT IT, WHICH I CAN STILL PURCHASE ON THE f*ckING INTERNET IF I WANT TO!!!!! YOU JUST DON'T RECOVER FROM THAT KIND OF SHIT. It stays broken inside!!! You never get to deal with a whole person after that!!! So I know that about my sisters and I know that about myself. You f*cking do the best you can to wake up each morning and try to help others on those days which you are mentally stable enough to do so.

I'm sorry I can't finish reading right now. I'll come finish later. Thank you for sharing your situation. It is VERY similar but if I was our "wealthy perfect" sister I would have never treated you poorly and from the sound of things if you were the sister seeking my love you would have shown up at my wedding and refrained from f*cking my husband and such.

 

[ForgotToLive]

I'm glad for you that you are considering Al Anon. Remember to try a few different groups to f...

Because of you I went to one Al Anon meeting (not my thing) and 2 CODA meetings.

CODA was strange in that on a lot of the characteristics if a co-dependant I can 100% see my own thinking. But when many spoke they used words like "lonely" and "empty" and "in all my relationships I do this" and in general the idea seemed to be they wanted to fix "their person" so that they could get a good relationship with them... In my situation I am anything but lonely. And the only toxic relarionship I still have in my life is with my younger sister. (I no longer make those choices) I want to fix "my person" but only so I can feel good about letting them go follow their own path... so that I can have less of them.

At my first CODA meeting I met a mom who's daughter used to be a prostitute and now is a lifecoach for prostitutes who aren't happy with their life choices. She is now in contact with my sister so I feel like I am not in the direct line of fire. She, and thus you, have been instrumental in helping me reply to my sister and set compassionate boundaries, outlining what a mutually beneficial relationship looks like to me.

I wanted you to know that your time and energies were extremely helpful to me and that I very much appreciate your input. ♡♡♡

 

[Deleted member 37085]

All 3 of us (me and my sisters) have used various enhancements. In this society where physical bea...

I believe breast enhancement is up to the individual; also facial surgery, etc. My sister will have tremendous trouble once all these surgeries, and injections can no longer help her retain her youthful beauty. You see, she hides behind her looks and her mirror is her best friend. Also, my sister is superficially kind and caring. That's as far as it goes with those around her. Even her husband had said that she was not allowing him intimacy, she had not told him then, and probably since, that she was molested, and beaten severely, put in children's home. On and on. Because he comes from wealth and seeming emotional stability. My sister is an award-winning actress when it comes to masks and wearing them. A chameleon of many colors and hides her self-hate with surgeries, things, alcohol (lots), etc. My half-sister same thing.

I love them both dearly, and just wrote my bio-sister a letter, which she will not answer. That's okay. I am Christian. And God sees it all. Appreciate your sharing about your sisters, and I thank you for your candor. JJ

I don't feel that I have a lack of self esteem. I think wearing/buying expensive brand named thing...

@ForgotToLive I do have self-esteem issues from severe trauma, which is one of the myriad of reasons I am in emdr therapy. I believe it's okay when one has the funds to buy beautiful things. I own beautiful things, and at one point in time of my life, I was purchasing things to fill the God sized and shaped vacuum within my soul. Not anymore. For I have learned the hard way that things do not fix me, nor people, nor places.

I am happy for you that you do not suffer from self-esteem issues. JJ

I'm really sorry this was your experience. I have no concept of ever having the desire to do this...

@ForgotToLive I am saddened to learn that your sister was given LSD by your parents? OMGosh. And then sex. Then mother published book. Can't process that. I can't process the HELL me and my sister have been through either. Next emdr session is 14th - Valentine's Day. Argh! Grateful that you are your sister are establishing healthier relationship. And I am grateful that you said my feedback helped. It is good that something helpful is coming out of so much evil me and my sister experienced. Nice (very) to hear from you again. JJ

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I'm guessing my sister also thought/thinks I "acted superior" (?) in that I held everything togeth...

I profusely apologize that I have shared my sister maltreating me and hurting me so viciously throughout our late adolescence and all throughout our adulthood. My experience with my sister bullying me and treating me like garbage has notta to do with your relationship with your sister @ForgotToLive. Apples and oranges. I have never judged you, nor will ever on any level. I had then felt comfortable sharing about my sister treating me horribly because I felt it was safe to do so. I again sincerely apologize for having done so, for I was referring to my sister and me, not anything NOTTA to do with your sister and you. JJ

 

[ForgotToLive]

I profusely apologize that I have shared my sister maltreating me and hurting me so viciously throughout our late adolescence

@JadesJewel... Quite the contrary!!! I find it very interesting to communicate with you and very personally helpful to hear your situation and perspective, so please NEVER apologize to me for sharing and/or comparing our situations.

For sure I *DO* find our situations strikingly similar from opposite vantage points. And as such maybe we can help each other develop a deeper understanding of each others' sibling relationship. I feel a bond with you and if I can help you in any way feel less hurt and pain with regard to your sister's abandonment/distance, then I am completely on board with that.

Please know that I wasn't upset with YOU when I cut away. Not at all! I was just uncomfortable coping with feeling unfairly condemned. My integrity is my most prized asset and I'm not accustomed to having it questioned (or having to defend it) *because* I am soooo careful in the first place to conduct myself accordingly.

So I guess being similar to your sister in certain ways did put me in a position where I felt my integrity was a bit attacked which is very unfamiliar territory for me. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am not a bad person because I always try to do my best to behave with integrity, consider other's feelings, and respond with objective authenticity and fairness.

Please understand when I tell you that I authentically find value in everyone. I feel that everyone has something of value to offer me, some unique insight that I can employ to see the world more fully, it's just a matter of me investing in them enough to discover it. Knowing this, I treat everyone as is natural... as valuable and with respect unless/until proven otherwise.

So while the surface result (my emotional distance aka inability to love/need/desire my sibling) may seem very similar to your sister's... my integrity, authenticity, and level of compassion which lies underneath sounds very different. I am a straight-shooter and very analytical and logical. With me what you see is what you get, love it or hate it I am an open book and will tell you exactly what I am feeling and why if you care to know.

That being said, please try to use my perspective to see your sister's shortcomings for what they are... most likely self-defense mechanisms and coping skills which she conscienciously and/or unconsciously employs to stay sane in her own mind/life. Most likely she is very fragile inside and doing everything in her power to not FEEL the same way as that little girl (herself) who was victimized as a child. Most likely she isn't distant for any other reason than **your issues spark her own issues and make it harder for her to cope with the demands of everyday life... which is ALREADY painfully hard to cope with as it is.** Her rejection of you is most likely no reflection/abandonment of you as a person... she just wants to pretend it all never happened and you want to rehash/hold accountable/work it out... You want her to stop "being fake..." but her "fake self" is the tool sge successfully employed to authentically improve her life so in her mind it is working to her advantage... maybe?? I mean I don't know but maybe that is closer to the truth and maybe if you deeply understood that from an objective (rather than personal) standpoint... well then maybe you would feel empathy for her plight rather than disdain for her fakeness... then maybe from there you could rewright your own narrative in your head away from feeling rejected (victimized) and toward feeling compassion (empowered understanding) that she is facing the same demons as you but unfortunately has a coping style which you find hurtful... maybe????? I donno but trying to find understanding, compassion, and empathy for her plight should (I would think?) help you to feel less rejected.

 

[ForgotToLive]

My sister will have tremendous trouble once all these surgeries, and injections can no longer help her retain her youthful beauty

This is spot on with my situation as well... not with me or my little sister, but with my older sister. It was her role to be the prettiest and boy howdy did she take it seriously! My first memory of her eating disorder was finding dozens of pink exlax boxes in the back yard. She went on to become a model, stripper, escort, dominatrix... Her sense of value has always been about her looks and now that she's an older woman wherein the injections no longer do much to help (and I agree with you - actually hunder her beauty), her depression and autoimmune diseases are taking over her life.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

@JadesJewel... Quite the contrary!!! I find it very interesting to communicate...

So appreciate your viewpoint regarding my relationship with my sister, Patricia. Yet, I do not feel the emotion *disdain* for her masks, etc. nor for her completely bullying me (past), nor for her pulling away from me as one of her many coping mechanisms so she was able to moving forward; if she has at all re: our past, I probably will never know. I have forgiven her and I want her to be so happy! Some people use different coping strategies (some healthy some not I oughta know about all the unhealthy coping "skills" I ab-used) I only hope Patricia is happy (and that term is relevant to each person). I grieve now, and have been grieving for quite some time now for the loss of what we could have had as close and tight-knit loving sisters @ForgotToLive and we were prevented partly due to our histories, and partly due to both of our choices on how we have chosen (in our pasts) and currently her part - treated one another in past growing up since our horrific pasts. I am regretful for the letter I sent years ago regarding her treatment of me; I regret not responding lovingly to the Thomas Kincaide Teacup/Saucer Bouquet in early 2000's she and her hubby sent to me for that was a seriously (by me) missed opportunity to try only try to connect with Patricia, and her hubby.

Your relationship with sister on how you tried to do everything humanly within your power to reach out and help her - was not, never was, and may never be my experience with my sister, Patrica. Apples and oranges. You and my sister are total opposites. Opposites @ForgotToLive. Patricia reached out to me a couple of times in our lives, that's eat. You have tried over and over and over and over again to help your sister. Apples and oranges. So please I now asking you to cease talking about Patricia like you know her. And I too will greater finesse and restraint and respect when speaking with you on anything you post regarding either of your two sisters. I promise.

I would prefer not to speak of this anymore, please again unless the framework is kept separate regarding your sisters and my sisters. Okay? Hope you understand. I neve should've brought Patricia into this. Only will speak of this with you on subject of sisters @ForgotToLive when we can speak individually of our own stories and not interweave and interlock them (our sisters' together. Please do not try and *fix* me and say that because our sister-relationships are similar but opposite relationally that you may be able to help me. No, this forum is for us to offer general advice based solely on our own experiences, strengths, struggles, hopes, failures, and dreams. Please do not intermesh and intermingle your sister with my sister when you are posting to me. Please stop. Hurting me this way. I only want to hear about you and what you are going through. I messed up bringing my sister into this (in a negative manner) for this helped you NOTTA. I apologize @ForgoteToLive. I shared my broken relationship with Patricia and I should never have done that. For this triggered you. And, although, I am not responsible for triggering anyone on this site, especially when I have only been so far trying to genuinely care and try and only try and share my personal, and private experience, strength, struggles, failures,and hope with you, and others. Never, ever would I deliberately cause anyone harm here. Never. And, I get it. I truly get it. I trigger my sister, too (just as I have you) for she remembers all of our sexual trauma and torture (games) beatings, and the orphanage, and the beatings by step-monster, and foster homes, on and on and on. She remembers all of it (but she was away at college and living apart from me and dad when he did some horrible things to me and property). She does not know about this stuff, and does not probably ever care to know about how monstrous dad was after she left for college. For he hid the beatings he gave me from her prior to her leaving for school. She experienced only one of his beatings.

Enrages me because I want to remember what Pringle (step-father child molester in California) did to us (that Patricia remembers all of it) that yes my mind prevented me from having any memories about being sexually molested by Pringle our step-monster (step-father) whom I believe from coroner's report I have here on my 4mth. old baby brother (half) Robbie, that he (step-father) killed him, his own son. And Patricia may know about that too. For she remembers all about Pringle and that horrific time in our lives in California.

Ironically, yesterday I sent a six page letter to Patricia apologizing for my not being there for her; brought her up to date on my medical, and I told her that "I Love You". She will NOT answer. No.

Thank you @ForgotToLive for all of your posts. I apologize for bringing Patricia up in your posts. I messed up. I am grateful, very thankful for all of your posts. I respect you and what you've tried to do to help your sisters and I look forward to hearing from you again, let's please keep our stories separate, yet let's be able to share them without crashing into one another, again. (My fault, not yours). Lots of Love, Hugs, and Well Wishes for you @ForgotToLive. JJ

 

[ForgotToLive]

Because he comes from wealth and seeming emotional stability. My sister is an award-winning actress

Again.... SO INTERESTING!! My husband does not come from $$ wealth at all... but he does come from an incredibly brilliant (and intellectual) and genuinely good family... And as such I have always been WELL AWARE that "I married up" and I do mean WAY UP.

When I first started dating him I became completely aware for the first time of my own inferiority in every single way other than socially. I felt that I came to him cloaked in a "white trash" history and I just didn't have any remote desire to infect him with it. In fact I NEEDED him to be and remain uninfected... I don't know if I can effectively explain it but he CANNOT be infected because I need him to be my rock... I need him to remain unencumbered by my craziness... I need him to be my source of tranquility and stability. So unlike your sister... yes, I did originally tell him of my history but no, I actively shield him from my problems and maybe you characterize that as "fake" but for me he is my primary lifeline and I despirately need that lifeline to be fortified so the last thing I want to do is make it weaker and less pure. Does that make ANY sense at all???

But I'm still the most intimate relationship he's ever had and he is deeply bonded to me. Mind you I never lie to him... EVER. But he simply doesn't ask and I simply don't volunteer. It would be irrational for me to infect him... In my mind you don't shit where you eat if you are smart.

I would prefer not to speak of this anymore,

Absolutely! I just saw this now so please forgive the post I just posted. I'm sorry for overstepping. Please forgive...

coroner's report

I can't even begin to think how to respond other than to say I am so deeply sorry for what you've lived through, even just the little piece of the horrors which you have shared. No child should even know such things exist much less be forced to endure even one such thing much less layers of them.

I really regret my stupid trail of posts, so this is my final one. I guess I need to just learn from other posts from now on until I know better how to less destructively interact with other sufferers. I'm sorry for comparing and contrasting. Never again I promise.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I can't even begin to think how to respond other than to say I am so deeply sorry for what you've...

@ForgotToLive - First Your posts are not stupid, NO! Please do not say that! No. I appreciate your candor and opening up about your sisters. We both you and I have lived through and are surviving our own separate Hells on this earth. I deeply respect you and your honesty and your willingness to risk posting here. OMGosh. Please don't go away @ForgotToLive. I value our fellowship here. I want you here. You have helped me in your postings @ForgotToLive. I also am in emdr therapy and it's kicking my butt oh so badly all over the flippin' place! That is why I said it would be good that you share with me your stories, strengths, pain, etc. And then I will share with you mine.

Please don't go. I need you here. JJ

 

[Powder]

The co-survival siblings dynamic is fragile. I have yet to meet siblings who as adults have anything close to a desired level of relating who grew up in a chaotic and PTSD-inducing environment.

I think it is way too much to ask to expect the sibling relationship, already known for adversity and jealousy, to be anything good under those odds. It's very unrealistic.

Have very low expectations, not of her, or yourself, but of the ability of the relationship to withstand anything after it was formed under PTSD-causing traumatic circumstances.

What sisters like this want is not love per se but a return to moments of "foxhole" friendship or traumatic bonding that cannot/should not ever be needed again.

Underneath some of the dysfunctional expectations in this unique sisterhood is, I suspect, dissociated memories far too painful to process that involve feeling like one has not been able to save the other person. This survivor guilt is by far the worst feeling documented in concentration camps and other scenarios and in domestic violence for sure, that I can imagine. Especially, when the sibling is younger and the survivor felt sometimes able to help or protect, and other times, not.

Not, is the memory that truly haunts me and takes me into the darkest feeling I have ever felt. I also suspect the younger sister who was not saved by the older has a darkness wondering why that hero didn't save me that time; "doesn't she love me?!"

I am haunted and feel such horrendous feelings about a time I felt I could not help. Rather than see the result, I hid in the dryer and sobbed uncontrollably.

It is this feeling that brings me very low and probably not being able to reframe or process it leads me to feel totally worthless and unloving/unloveable, which I then try to compensate with by being so nurturing, and then I burn out and get worn out.

It's not a great dynamic inside.

Please don't judge your sister or sibling who was abused with you. Being related doesn't make that okay or healthy. Instead, focus on what you really have to cope with from your own emotional and other trauma related to that person and try to get back your self-compassion and humanity. Forgive yourself for being human and not perfect.