General My Son Brian

[Jen]

Hang in there Kathy you are entitled to have difficult days!
I hope everything is as ok as it can be for you!

 

[Kathy]

Thank you Jen. I often don't give myself permission to have off days so thank you for the encouragment, much appreciated. I am having a bit of a break from posting right now.

 

[Jen]

Good idea come back when you are ready!
Take it easy!
Jen

 

[Kathy]

Tonight Jim and I went to a meeting of The Compassionate Friends. It is a support group for parents who have lost a child. It was our first time attending, as the meeting is an hours' drive from our home. Evie accompanied us as siblings are also welcome. It was a very good meeting, I felt very comfortable. And it was so very relieving to meet others who understand what we are going through.

 

[Deleted member 541]

That's good Kathy....That group is here in the states too. I hope that it helps...Prayers are with you..

Wen

 

[anthony]

Good stuff Kathy... well done to you both. Just remember Kathy, Brians death is not your fault... you did not do anything to cause this. Brian is an adult, thus his actions are accountable to him only.

 

[Jim]

Quite correct Anthony, not our fault. However. Difficult to convince oneself. Very difficult. Had a nasty argument with Brian. That was the last we spoke with him. Difficult to speak of it at all still. Though we are pretty much need to with Evie around. And. Travis is back from operations and he is a big talker re: Brian. Between the two of them and the meetings we'll be talking more.

Jim.

 

[batgirl]

Mum, since you said it was okay for me to post in here, here I am... Dad mentions that argument you guys had with Brian 2 days before the accident... you've mentioned it several times too. Well as you know, I was present for the argument, so I know everything that was said and so on. The way you guys are writing about it, it's like you said something terrible to Brian that you regret. OMG... I just thought everybody here should know what really happened... if you want to delete this Mum I guess you can but I think people should know...

Anyways, what happened was, Brian was shit drunk, he rings the house, and he's on speaker phone in the kitchen. He calls the Mum the c word several times, and some other really graphic vulgar stuff that I won't even try to repeat. Tells Dad he wants to come beat the crap out of him for being such a lousy father, and so on. Mum and Dad did not shout at him at all. They were both very calm. Dad says to Brian, don't call here again until your ready to apologize to your mum and talk civilly to us. End of conversation. That was it! I honestly don't know how Mum and Dad could have handled it any better than that.Actually I was amazed they didn't tell him off!

Really Mum and Dad, what more could you have done??? Basically you just told Brian he needed to take responsibility for his actions, the same thing you would have said to me if I behaved that way. How is it any different than any of the "fights" you've had with me where I was raging and saying horrible things to you and you guys were totally calm about it? I don't see the difference... I know Brian is gone and that makes it awful but it's not your fault. He was being an ass just like I am when I'm angry. Exactly the same...

 

[Kathy]

Thank you again Anthony... I fear I must keep repeating to myself, "It's not my fault, it's my fault". It is difficult as my husband says. And Evie dear, you are absolutely right, we weren't nasty to Brian at all. We did everything we could. Thank you for reminding us to look at it more realistically. Perhaps I am simply looking for an answer as to why my child is dead, and it is easy to point the finger at myself.

 

[anthony]

The reason Brian is dead isn't actually that difficult Kathy. PTSD is why. What happened to Brian within his mind from his operational duty is the reason. The military are not to blame either, as Brian chose what he did. Brians choices unfortunately led to his death. It is no different from joining the military to begin with... being you do so knowing you could be deployed and shot at, killed. There are more killers than just being shot or blown up, PTSD is one of them.

Again, its not your fault, nor Jims, nor any others fault. It is merely a matter of circumstance that eventuated in Brian getting PTSD and what PTSD then helped him do. PTSD is a killer, I have never hid that from people. It is 100% true. It kills through behaviour, it kills through stress (heart attack, etc), it kills through depression.

I guess there is one way to help you understand just how much a killer it is.... [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread5694.html"]lets take it to a poll shall we[/DLMURL]!

 

[Kathy]

Thank you for the poll Anthony. It will be interesting to see how people answer, however I suspect already that most will vote for many times. Evie is certainly in that category. I believe I am beginning to see your point! :doh:

Still, this is my child, and a mother should not outlive her child. I am becoming less inclined to blame myself, however I still wonder why Brian particularly. Now I am going back to Evie's question about her being alive and Brian dead, why? Or why are you alive Anthony, and Brian dead? A question with no answer. I suppose I am being philosophical now, and that will certainly not help me.

 

[anthony]

Well Kathy, I certainly am not a believer in God and Jesus, the whole Christian purpose or philosophy, however; I do believe in fate, I do believe in luck, I do believe that everyone has a destiny. We are here for a purpose, what that purpose is, I doubt most will likely know nor understand. Was there a purpose for me not to die? I don't know. Was it to start this forum and help others succeed hopefully easier than what I endured? Not sure. I like to think so, though I cannot say for sure.

Your right Kathy, I don't believe it will help you understand. Is there a reason? Does there need to be one? I do understand what your saying about outliving your son, as I heard my mum say it a lot, and still does today if the topic is raised.

What we know is this though; we are born and we will die. That are two certains, they are two facts. The only problem with the facts, is that we don't have dates of either.

Maybe it is more about living and loving what time we are in this world, and remembering those times we spend with others before they depart this world? I am not sure... just guessing!