General My Son Brian

[Kathy]

I apologize Wendy if my reply sounded at all terse, it was certainly not intended as such, I do very much appreciate your input always. It was merely for clarification as Jim stated, and more for Evie's sake than anything. We have 6 children besides Brian, and 5 of them live either with us or within 100 km (60 miles) of us. Believe me, regardless of age, they ALL take up much of our time, and come home frequently for various things - see the attached cartoon! :tongue:

Evie is mentioned here most often as she is the one with PTSD, however if I compare her to my 16 year old for example, she is an angel. :rolleyes: Jacob runs us absolutely ragged half the time. In any event, please do not feel badly about my statement, I fear I am still a bit tired!

 

[Deleted member 541]

Kathy,

I do understand...The written word is sometimes very hard to decipher....Hell even when you talk face to face things can get misunderstood. I am also a little sensitive, my feelings get hurt quite easily so I often take things the wrong way. I am just learning how to ask for clarification, without having my feelings get in the way......I still have a way to go......

Thank again Kathy...

Wen

 

[Kathy]

I was hoping to share more about Brian today; I had thought of him much yesterday evening whilst I was alone. Many memories of him as a child came to mind. However tonight my mind is a complete blank. Ah well, I suppose there is no rush. Strange though, that I have so many things to write last night whilst lying in bed, however now they are completely gone from my mind!

 

[Jen]

I think we should have a note pad beside outr bed Kathy with all the thoughts that run through our head at night hey?
Please share any thoughts you need to here it will make you feel better!
Jen

 

[Arashi]

That's a good idea Jen! I know that lately for me I have had so much running through my brain that I have been emailing myself when I think of things...how sad is that? :)

 

[Kathy]

Yes that is a fine idea Jen, I believe I will try it tonight, thank you for the suggestion!

 

[Kathy]

With Evie's permission, I am quoting her diary here, regarding Brian:

Brian got sick and went downhill so fast... I think it was only about 2 months between when he started getting ill and his accident. Two months! That's nothing. That could easily be me. It could easily be me in the coffin right now, not him. Why is that? Why am I alive and he's dead? I'm not a religious person, and even if I was, I wouldn't believe that it was God's will that Brian is dead and I am alive. In spite of everything that Brian did in those last two months, he didn't deserve to die. Yes he was driving like a ****ing maniac and tempting fate by doing so, but for ****s sake, I did too!! Many times, over a much longer period... I did all sorts of dangerous things. And I was never even injured. And I have this frail unhealthy little girl body too! Brian was a big strong man, perfectly healthy, does it for 2 months maximum, and he's dead. Why was I so lucky? I guess I'll never have the answer to that question but it does bother me. Really with everything I did I should be dead right now.

I relate very much to what Evie is saying. I find myself feeling quite angry this morning at the "unfairness" of Brian's death. I find myself wondering the very same things that she does. Why do some make it and others don't? It is certainly not due to any virtue on the individual's part. As Evie mentioned, she engaged in many risk-taking activities for a long period of time, and for all intents and purposes, should be dead. Greg, Brian's friend who also has PTSD, was an IV drug user living on the dangerous streets of Vancouver for several years, and just recently we discovered he is still using heroin, and yet he is still alive. However my son, a loving father who had just received custody of his young child, and who until near the end functioned normally with full time employment, is dead.

I am a more religious person than Evie, however I cannot and will not believe in a God whose will it is to take a father away from his 4 year old son, to take a much-loved son and brother away from his family. That belief is far too simplistic. Nor do I believe God "allows" these things to happen. Rather I suspect the world is chaotic, and things happen randomly and by accident; some people are fortunate and others are not. I only wish my son was one of the fortunates.

There are no answers; only questions. Brian's death was thankfully ruled an accident, however I will always wonder why my precious boy didn't make it yet many others do. It is a sad fact how deadly PTSD can be.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Dear Kathy,

My heart goes out to you for the pain that you have in your heart today, and probably everyday for the last 5 months......

I never know what to say to someone that has lost a loved one. Saying I'm sorry just seems soooooo I don't know empty I guess.

I am not a religious person either, but I do believe in God. I believe that he hears our prayers, and he has the answers to our questions...He will reveal them in his own time. I don't have any answers for you either.....I can't imagine the pain that you are going through...

All we can do when we lose someone is know that in due time, we will be united with them again.....I know that doesn't help you now....

I will keep you in my prayers.....I hope that you can find peace in Brians death, and not have your questions go unanswered for too long....

All my best,

Wendy

 

[Kathy]

I feel rather like a yo-yo, however I have moved this thread about my dear son Brian to public carers once more. I moved it into the private area due to feeling uncomfortable, however 2 of my children (Travis and Evie) questioned my decision, and Evie epsecially asked me to return it to the public area so that she may read and contribute as well. So, here it is, although I have nothing to write today. Tomorrow perhaps!

 

[2quilt]

Kathy and Jim,
There is no time limit on grieving; don't ever tell yourself that by now you should feel 'better' or 'be over it.'
Now is the time when you should be the most gentle with yourselves, and I am not telling you something you don't already know. All of us forum-folk care about you and your family. Would it do any good to visit Brian's grave? I hope you get a good night's sleep.

 

[Kathy]

Very true, there is no time limit, a very important thing to be reminded of, thank you. Yes we have visited Brian's grave on many occasions, for a while we were there once weekly, although it has been a few weeks now.

 

[pandora]

Kathy, i know that this is not the same as losing a son but I did lose my Dad so i just wanted to contribute if you don't mind.

I feel like My Dad is not there..he is around me..i light candles every night to "bring the angels" ( a friend of mine took an angel course and she learned this...cheezy..yes but comforing to me. i feel like he is always with me "in my heart". i still visit there but not too often. Take Care of yourself. Pand.