bellbird
MyPTSD Pro
I'm having scoliosis surgery next year. Probably April-ish. So pre-op day will be some time before then.
My parents will be looking after me post-op; I'll probably need to stay with them for about 6 weeks.
They, nor anyone in my family, know about my PTSD (or causes), MDD, or GAD.
This is probably my biggest fear in life - them finding out.
I attempted suicide earlier this year because given the option of death or reaching out to them, I chose death without question.
It's so hard to explain why that is. It's just an undeniably intense feeling. Other people knowing my mental illnesses is ok. Family, definitely no. I've had a lot of therapy around this, and none has made me budge even slightly.
I realise that putting myself in their care post-op is going to mean that I am heavily reliant on them and that they will pick up on -some- indicators of mental illnesses (e.g. the fact that I'm on max doses of 2 antidepressants, and also take an antipsychotic and insomnia meds and an anxiolytic as PRN), but I had thought I would play that off by saying they were to calm my system down because of my tremor (part truth - venlafaxine does help), and to help me sleep (still v difficult to think about saying but physical "illnesses" seem much easier to admit than mental ones).
I thought that I could go to my pre-op day by myself.
Taking control of my own health is something that's very important to me, as it was one area where my ex completely controlled me, and I have no issues with medical procedures, nor with talking to medical professionals.
I'd even spoken to my GP about it and she had no issue with me going to that appointment by myself.
Then I just got a text from my mum:
"BTW I'd like to come to your preop and meet the team. No doubt dad would too".
I feel like I'm going to throw up. I want to crawl into a hole and no longer exist.
It's going to be a f*cking minefield of mental illness talk.
Help. Insight. Anything. Please.
My parents will be looking after me post-op; I'll probably need to stay with them for about 6 weeks.
They, nor anyone in my family, know about my PTSD (or causes), MDD, or GAD.
This is probably my biggest fear in life - them finding out.
I attempted suicide earlier this year because given the option of death or reaching out to them, I chose death without question.
It's so hard to explain why that is. It's just an undeniably intense feeling. Other people knowing my mental illnesses is ok. Family, definitely no. I've had a lot of therapy around this, and none has made me budge even slightly.
I realise that putting myself in their care post-op is going to mean that I am heavily reliant on them and that they will pick up on -some- indicators of mental illnesses (e.g. the fact that I'm on max doses of 2 antidepressants, and also take an antipsychotic and insomnia meds and an anxiolytic as PRN), but I had thought I would play that off by saying they were to calm my system down because of my tremor (part truth - venlafaxine does help), and to help me sleep (still v difficult to think about saying but physical "illnesses" seem much easier to admit than mental ones).
I thought that I could go to my pre-op day by myself.
Taking control of my own health is something that's very important to me, as it was one area where my ex completely controlled me, and I have no issues with medical procedures, nor with talking to medical professionals.
I'd even spoken to my GP about it and she had no issue with me going to that appointment by myself.
Then I just got a text from my mum:
"BTW I'd like to come to your preop and meet the team. No doubt dad would too".
I feel like I'm going to throw up. I want to crawl into a hole and no longer exist.
It's going to be a f*cking minefield of mental illness talk.
Help. Insight. Anything. Please.