; my story didn't end...

[JustBreathe]

Hello.
Yup. I'm here.
Still...

I thought I was going to be able to drift away into a beautiful peaceful permanent sleep and leave all of my assets, my home and retirement to my Fiance. So he can be OK and get everything I worked for.

Nope.

I was awoken. Forced to throw up and woke up in a hospital. Ended up admitted it a Psych Ward. BTW, horrible place. I played the game got released after a week and a half. To come home and have to reveal to my government/city job why I was out sick in the hospital. So now I have to deal with this mess. I hope I don't overstress, have an anxiety attack, get myself fired and lose my pension. That's what I was trying to avoid in the first place. I wanted my Fiance to get everything I worked so hard for. Otherwise if I get fired I lose my pension and my house goes into foreclosure. Then I have nothing. So I just wanted to make sure he could have it all. But I was brought back to life.

I promised him I'd never do that again because he told me he loves me and doesn't want my money. He. Wants. Me. So now I can't do it again. I don't break promises. So I will have to face the music and it's gonna hurt. I don't think I can go into one more day of work. I've been through so much trauma on my job. And now I'm in the radar because of my hospital stay and attempt. I have to try and go on. But it hurts.

It really hurts.

 

[Sideways]

It does hurt.

But it gets better. It really does.

And in the meantime? You’re not alone.
Welcome to the forum. Glad you’re here:)

 

[ladee]

Welcome... and as much as you are in pain now, you are still alive, and am very very grateful you did not succeed.
Yes,it hurts, but if something hurts, it can heal... you are with many people who absolutely understand... and are just happy you are here.... let us know how you are doing, and let us know how we can help.... we are all here for each other.... and now here for you too.... you are stronger than you ever thought possible... just wait and see !!!

 

[Deleted member 37085]

I'm also so glad that you are still here...and you are not alone...you have all of us to listen and encourage you...and to share when we're able with you where we are in our ongoing ptsd recovery journey. And as @ladee above said...most all of us on a deep, personal visceral level do understand about what you have just went through and are continuing to deal with in your personal and professional life. I have emotional and physical (wrists) scars to remind me of how far I've come in my trauma recovery therapy.

And I know that you do not believe that this is all just a game to be played out for not only do you have a husband who from you're above post loves you very much and also that wants you...and not your money, holdings, etc. you at this moment in time are seemingly unaware that there is so much more to life than living with S/I and wishing for your pain to cease.

And in ptsd recovery many of us here have experienced a lowering of the emotional and psychological pain and I am finally for the first time in my life experiencing internal peace and am learning to self-nurture, self-care, and I'm actually grateful that I did not succeed in ending my life.

For I am now in the process of learning how to not allow my past to destroy my present and am learning to let go of my past, which is an ongoing process for me.

I am in trauma therapy recovery and I've underwent EMDR Therapy and it was successful in that it massively decreased the trauma triggering and flashing back to the extreme abuse, and it also numbed the trauma associated with the horrific memories.

Also, my past S/I and suicidal attempts, and scars are the very sobering, extremely earth-shattering, mind-bending, and eye-opening realizations that I needed to catapult me into life-saving for me trauma therapy...and helped me to realize that I needed help period. And that these past many attempts helped me to see that I could not face all of my trauma issues alone anymore. I'd had so many suicidal attempts and I truly needed to reach out and ask for help and so I did just that...hope you do as well.

I've lived through the overdoses, drunken black-outs while driving, wrist-cuttings, cigarettes for over 40 years, and last year's colon surgery due to over-eating (food addiction) issues, and subsequent throwing up from having charcoal forced down my throat in multiple hospital e.r.'s and many psych ward admissions and lengthy stays...and I too am here for you now...I do so relate...I do so care...and I too believe that you are stronger than you've ever given your self credit for being.

I so hope you will continue to write about what landed you in the hospital e.r. and onto the psychiatric ward of the hospital...and hopefully you are ready to slowly and empathically now try to understand and process the abuse from which may be linked to your self-destructive behaviors.

I believed that others here believed in me...until...I could...start to try and believe... in...my self.
Peace and Love.

 

[mumstheword]

Yes, you are certainly not alone, many of us have been in the same kind of place that you are and were in when you did it.

I have scars on my wrist that reminds me everyday of being in that low place.

I hope you allow us here to gently and kindly remind you of some of the reasons worth living for and that you can start the path of forgiveness and healing (I'm talking forgiveness of self, primarily, I'm not even at the forgiveness of my main abusers yet, myself).

I'm glad you are still with us, despite the pain and I hope that you know you are not alone with it.
Please be gentle and kind with your self. You are valuable and loved and worthwhile.

 

[Freida]

Ditto to all they said. Now go back and reread them. Then reread them again. Then keep this page handy to refer to when you need it.....

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

((( :hug: )))
Welcome to the Forum! I am also glad that you didn't succeed in leaving this world!

You have come to a safe place, where you can share your thoughts, feelings, and whatever parts of your "story" that you choose to.

You can have a "Trauna Diary" that others may or may not read. Everyone writes in their diary differently, and it's a good way to "purge" some of what is going on in your life. Other members usually do stop by and they offer understanding and sometimes suggestions. We really do care!

One of my therapists had me write a letter to myself to read when I have the thoughts of wanting out of this world. I listed the people who love me, and would be devastated if I choose to leave. It helped me when I wrote it, and I have it close by in case I need to be reminded.

I do know that in reality, "wanting out" is really about not wanting to feel the deep emotional pain that wells up inside when we are triggered or stuck in a bad place.

You CAN get better, feel better, cope better, and find hope in your future! One day at a time, and sometimes, one minute at a time. All you need to do.... Is what you have already find out...

Just Breathe....

Blessings and Peace to you!
AKJ

 

[FragileGlass]

So now I have to deal with this mess. I hope I don't overstress, have an anxiety attack, get myself fired and lose my pension.

While not the ideal situation! This passage makes me smile a bit. I'm happy that you're thinking into the future.

Hang in there one day at a time! I'm cheering for you!

 

[Tinyflame]

Sometimes when the future or even the present is unbearable, breaking it down to very small parts can be helpful (I didn't come up with that by myself, btw, I was told.)

Welcome to you. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 541]

Welcome.... Been there, done that... yes, it sucks, but it’s ok. Things can get better. It takes a lot of work, and sometimes it’s one step forward and 3 back, but there are days when it’s 4 steps forward and none back. Lots of work, but if you manage your symptoms with all of the tools that this site can provide, plus therapy, it’s doable....

 

[JustBreathe]

Hello to All,

First off I'd like to tell you that I am overwhelmed with the abundance of beautiful responses I received. I appreciate the words of EACH and EVERY ONE OF YOU. You are all beautiful and kind souls who have great advice. I appreciate the support. I want you to know that I am OK. Still struggling but today i got an appointment with a very caring Psychiatrist who is going to get me stable with the right meds. Yesterday I was luckily able to transfer to a new location to work in my company. It is a long commute but a beautiful, safe, culture-filled, Riverside area with views of Manhattan. I think working in a beautiful area where I can take scenic walks during lunch makes a difference. I will also be taking public transporatation rather than driving, which will help ease my anxiety tremendously. Rush hour traffic is a daunting task for anyone, let alone a crash survivor. I will read good books during my commutes or daydream out the window of the train. Or even nap! Lol I also have my therapist twice a week and my fiancé setup a craft room for me I. The house where I also have a little corner dedicated to meditation.

I want you all to know that I am clinging onto hope. Clinging onto the love I receive from my fiancé, my puppies and my best friend. And the sprinkles of love you all have shown me. <3 We are all together in this fight. We will all survive and make it. And I am here for any of you should you ever need me. Just write me. Or pm me and I can call you. Thank you for all that you've said and all the positivity.

Be Well and Blessed Be.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Great on your job transfer and here's to more beautiful scenic landscapes and locations.

Just sayin'...no one...and I mean...NO ONE @JustBreathe can and ever will arbitrarily take my (your) hope away from me...it is mine...it belongs to me...and it has gotten me through hell on this earth!

Sprinkling more love here for you now! Sprinkle...sprinkle...sprinkle...and oh yes...more assuredly...Blessed...be!