Paigergirl
New Here
I was recently diagnosed with ptsd. I've spent years thinking i suffered from depression never realized what was really wrong with me and I'm glad that I finaly know so that i can work on my recovery to get the life that was taken from me back.
Shortly after my grandmother passed away when I was eight I was staying with my aunt who was a nurse and her boyfriend because I was while taking a bath he came in the bathroom and began to touch me. I was terrified I didnt know what to do and I was afraid to say anything to anyone because because everyone loved him, he had such an out going personality it seemed like everyone like him who would believe he would do something like that to a child.
A few years past with out another incident shortly after they bought a house together it started again and it happened more frequently I continued to go over there because my aunt was sick and I was very close to her I would pretend I was sleeping hoping he would stop go away and just leave me alone of course that never happened this went on for years. One night when I was about 13 while my aunt was getting ready to go to work i was in her hot tub he got in the hot tub and took off his cloths and started touching me i was scared frozen panicing on the inside. He made me touch him and then he tried to rape me he got about half way in and I pushed him off and ran inside saying I had to go to the bathroom. I was terrified.
After that he continued to touch me I became an angry teenager hated life hated everyone stood up for people who could not stand up for themselves because I could not stand up for myself and stop the abuse from happening to me. I started only going over there with friends when I was 16 because then it was safe he wouldnt hurt me with other people there.
My aunts health continued to worsen and I felt awful for not going and seeing her when I turned 18 I was her maid of honor when she married the man that had abused me for years, but I still could not say anything because he took care of her hooked her up to the dialasis machine several times a week took her to her doctors appointments did the things she could no longer do for herself, and I kept it inside.
Two years later while in another state my aunt passed away and I rushed home I was so angry with myself for never telling her and never being able to say good bye to the woman i was closer with then I am with my own mother her sister.
Shortly before my aunt passed away I meet my childrens father he was too good to be true he was nice to me made me feel pretty and wanted. Shortly after my aunt died I found out i was pregant with my oldest I was a mess that is when my childrens father changed he had me I felt traped he was no longer nice to me he drank all the time accused me of cheating on him telling me it wasnt his kid trying to get me to sleep with his bestfriend because he wanted to know who had a bigger penis. I was scared I had just turned 21 I didnt know what to do I didnt think i could be a single mother I mean that takes strength and I didnt have the strength to tell anyone I was being molested how could I do the whole parenting thing alone.
He started breaking things he quit working I was the only working and really the only one taking care of our oldest daughter working swing shifts at the local gas station to keep my daughter in formula diapers and cloths constantly worrying about her wondering if her father was drunk I found out he cheated on me and I had sent him to his mothers house only to find out I was again pregant again scared I went running back I didnt know what else to do I told everyone else I was pregant before I told him.
He continued to drink heavily if he didnt drink it was a for sure fight but if I bought him the beer or whiskey there was a chance it would be peaceful and he would just get drunk and pass out.
He took my car one night while i was at work he called me over and over again and just kept hanging up my boss came in and started answering the phone he told her he was going to come down there and kill us all I was scared we called the cops and in a tiny town of a few thousand people all the cops and sherifs could not find him driving around drunk one of my co workers boyfriends came and picked me up at work and took me to get my daughter and we hid for the night until he was sober he cried and promised he would never do it again so i again went back.
A few weeks later he blew the head gasket in my car getting it stuck in a field in two feet of snow. Christmas that year he ripped up every piece of clothing i owned except the cloths I was wearing broke I dont know how many tvs and cell phones.
He was calling my sister and one of my close friends telling them how he wanted to have sex with them while i was at work he tried to shoot me and still I stayed for another year.
Shortly before I left he freaked out and he broke the screen door everything on the countertop and in the cuboards in the kitchen was on the floor he even threw the fridge on the floor my mother had tried to call me several times while this was happening but I didnt answer the phone so she called the police and had them do a wellfare check on my children and I I was in tears my two and half year old was in tears and my baby was crying so hard she was hardly making any noise he took him to the police department and brought him back ten minuets later never charging him with anything.
I felt like I deserved to be hurt and abused and put down like there was something wrong with me. I was not ment to be loved I was not ment to lead a normal life. The day I left him i feel and broke my arm bone in half and dislocated a bunch of bones in my wrist and had to have surgury he would come over and say he wanted to see our kids and I could not tell him no I was still afraid of him but he didnt want to see the girls he would force me to have sex with him and then he would leave.
A few months later i had my gallbladder removed the same day I got out of the hospital he again came over and forced me to have sex with him after he was done he gave me money to buy diapers he watched the girls since he was sober and I went to the store as soon as I got home he left I called my parents and asked them to babysit so i could get some rest when i went to take a pain pill so i could sleep i found them all gone after that I never let him back in my house again.
He started calling me while he was drunk threating me telling me he was going to call dfs on me and I was an awful mother and noone would ever want me because I was fat and ugly and I had two bastard children this went on for several months before i changed my phone number i would randomly get emails from him begging me to take him back swearing he had changed but I never went back.
I got the first job I could get trying to get on my feet and I hated it but I was good at it I continued to work the same dead end job for 3 years.
I tried to start dating 6 months after I left there dad knowing I didnt want to be alone forever but every guy I meet who wanted anything seriouse from me scared me i would run I ran for two and a half years and then I meet the man I have fallen in love with. We started dating spending lots of time with me and my girls and I wasnt afraid and he left me for another woman three weeks after he left me he got ahold of me and went and picked him up and let him come back I sent him back to his home state and back 6 times over the course of the next 7 months. Going from being happy when things were going well to being heartbroken.
We were living with a friend who convinced us to go to counsiling together she could see the love we had for each other at that very first meeting she told us both we had ptsd after listening to why we were in her office and reading the paper work we had filled out prior to our first visit.
He suffers from ptsd from being shot in the leg he lost everything his house he felt like he lost everything so he moved to montana where we meet and I feel in love. One min he loves me the next he isnt in love with me he is afraid of getting help because he is afraid of failing afraid of how much worse he could feel.
We are still living together currently as friends he has recently again started going to counsiling with me again as well as I go alone, but he is trying slowly to come to realization that he is sick and he cant fix himself alone things are not going to be the same as they were before he got shot he isnt going to wake up and have his life back.
We had to move back in with my mother because our room mate was spending the rent money on I dont know what and I have learned that my mother makes my ptsd symptoms worse I am more on edge when she is around because when i finaly told her i was molested a few years ago she also found out the same guy had molested my sister and she blamed me for it happening to my sister. My mother and I have always had a strainded relationship I never lived up to her ideas of what I should be and what I should do. Anyways she makes my ptsd symptoms worse i find myself getting angry more often and quicker I feel anxious constantly what is she going to say she doesnt even try to understand what I am going through she thinks i should not love or have compasion for the guy i have fallen in love with because she thinks he is worthless, but I see something more I have hope that we can get better together work together as a team and over come our ptsd and hopefully one day lead a semi normal life.
When I am down or having a bad day or when im hard on myself he is the first person to tell me how beautiful I am how smart I am and how I am an amazing mother to my two daughters and how I give him hope that he can get better he says seeing me with my kids gives him hope makes him not want to give up, and I do the same for him when he is hard on himself. I dont know what else to write I feel like a giant emotional disaster right now and although i know it will get worse before it gets better its hard to focus on that when it seems like everything is falling apart in front of me. Anyways that is the short story of me
<PC sent requesting post be edited before time elapses. Amethist>
Shortly after my grandmother passed away when I was eight I was staying with my aunt who was a nurse and her boyfriend because I was while taking a bath he came in the bathroom and began to touch me. I was terrified I didnt know what to do and I was afraid to say anything to anyone because because everyone loved him, he had such an out going personality it seemed like everyone like him who would believe he would do something like that to a child.
A few years past with out another incident shortly after they bought a house together it started again and it happened more frequently I continued to go over there because my aunt was sick and I was very close to her I would pretend I was sleeping hoping he would stop go away and just leave me alone of course that never happened this went on for years. One night when I was about 13 while my aunt was getting ready to go to work i was in her hot tub he got in the hot tub and took off his cloths and started touching me i was scared frozen panicing on the inside. He made me touch him and then he tried to rape me he got about half way in and I pushed him off and ran inside saying I had to go to the bathroom. I was terrified.
After that he continued to touch me I became an angry teenager hated life hated everyone stood up for people who could not stand up for themselves because I could not stand up for myself and stop the abuse from happening to me. I started only going over there with friends when I was 16 because then it was safe he wouldnt hurt me with other people there.
My aunts health continued to worsen and I felt awful for not going and seeing her when I turned 18 I was her maid of honor when she married the man that had abused me for years, but I still could not say anything because he took care of her hooked her up to the dialasis machine several times a week took her to her doctors appointments did the things she could no longer do for herself, and I kept it inside.
Two years later while in another state my aunt passed away and I rushed home I was so angry with myself for never telling her and never being able to say good bye to the woman i was closer with then I am with my own mother her sister.
Shortly before my aunt passed away I meet my childrens father he was too good to be true he was nice to me made me feel pretty and wanted. Shortly after my aunt died I found out i was pregant with my oldest I was a mess that is when my childrens father changed he had me I felt traped he was no longer nice to me he drank all the time accused me of cheating on him telling me it wasnt his kid trying to get me to sleep with his bestfriend because he wanted to know who had a bigger penis. I was scared I had just turned 21 I didnt know what to do I didnt think i could be a single mother I mean that takes strength and I didnt have the strength to tell anyone I was being molested how could I do the whole parenting thing alone.
He started breaking things he quit working I was the only working and really the only one taking care of our oldest daughter working swing shifts at the local gas station to keep my daughter in formula diapers and cloths constantly worrying about her wondering if her father was drunk I found out he cheated on me and I had sent him to his mothers house only to find out I was again pregant again scared I went running back I didnt know what else to do I told everyone else I was pregant before I told him.
He continued to drink heavily if he didnt drink it was a for sure fight but if I bought him the beer or whiskey there was a chance it would be peaceful and he would just get drunk and pass out.
He took my car one night while i was at work he called me over and over again and just kept hanging up my boss came in and started answering the phone he told her he was going to come down there and kill us all I was scared we called the cops and in a tiny town of a few thousand people all the cops and sherifs could not find him driving around drunk one of my co workers boyfriends came and picked me up at work and took me to get my daughter and we hid for the night until he was sober he cried and promised he would never do it again so i again went back.
A few weeks later he blew the head gasket in my car getting it stuck in a field in two feet of snow. Christmas that year he ripped up every piece of clothing i owned except the cloths I was wearing broke I dont know how many tvs and cell phones.
He was calling my sister and one of my close friends telling them how he wanted to have sex with them while i was at work he tried to shoot me and still I stayed for another year.
Shortly before I left he freaked out and he broke the screen door everything on the countertop and in the cuboards in the kitchen was on the floor he even threw the fridge on the floor my mother had tried to call me several times while this was happening but I didnt answer the phone so she called the police and had them do a wellfare check on my children and I I was in tears my two and half year old was in tears and my baby was crying so hard she was hardly making any noise he took him to the police department and brought him back ten minuets later never charging him with anything.
I felt like I deserved to be hurt and abused and put down like there was something wrong with me. I was not ment to be loved I was not ment to lead a normal life. The day I left him i feel and broke my arm bone in half and dislocated a bunch of bones in my wrist and had to have surgury he would come over and say he wanted to see our kids and I could not tell him no I was still afraid of him but he didnt want to see the girls he would force me to have sex with him and then he would leave.
A few months later i had my gallbladder removed the same day I got out of the hospital he again came over and forced me to have sex with him after he was done he gave me money to buy diapers he watched the girls since he was sober and I went to the store as soon as I got home he left I called my parents and asked them to babysit so i could get some rest when i went to take a pain pill so i could sleep i found them all gone after that I never let him back in my house again.
He started calling me while he was drunk threating me telling me he was going to call dfs on me and I was an awful mother and noone would ever want me because I was fat and ugly and I had two bastard children this went on for several months before i changed my phone number i would randomly get emails from him begging me to take him back swearing he had changed but I never went back.
I got the first job I could get trying to get on my feet and I hated it but I was good at it I continued to work the same dead end job for 3 years.
I tried to start dating 6 months after I left there dad knowing I didnt want to be alone forever but every guy I meet who wanted anything seriouse from me scared me i would run I ran for two and a half years and then I meet the man I have fallen in love with. We started dating spending lots of time with me and my girls and I wasnt afraid and he left me for another woman three weeks after he left me he got ahold of me and went and picked him up and let him come back I sent him back to his home state and back 6 times over the course of the next 7 months. Going from being happy when things were going well to being heartbroken.
We were living with a friend who convinced us to go to counsiling together she could see the love we had for each other at that very first meeting she told us both we had ptsd after listening to why we were in her office and reading the paper work we had filled out prior to our first visit.
He suffers from ptsd from being shot in the leg he lost everything his house he felt like he lost everything so he moved to montana where we meet and I feel in love. One min he loves me the next he isnt in love with me he is afraid of getting help because he is afraid of failing afraid of how much worse he could feel.
We are still living together currently as friends he has recently again started going to counsiling with me again as well as I go alone, but he is trying slowly to come to realization that he is sick and he cant fix himself alone things are not going to be the same as they were before he got shot he isnt going to wake up and have his life back.
We had to move back in with my mother because our room mate was spending the rent money on I dont know what and I have learned that my mother makes my ptsd symptoms worse I am more on edge when she is around because when i finaly told her i was molested a few years ago she also found out the same guy had molested my sister and she blamed me for it happening to my sister. My mother and I have always had a strainded relationship I never lived up to her ideas of what I should be and what I should do. Anyways she makes my ptsd symptoms worse i find myself getting angry more often and quicker I feel anxious constantly what is she going to say she doesnt even try to understand what I am going through she thinks i should not love or have compasion for the guy i have fallen in love with because she thinks he is worthless, but I see something more I have hope that we can get better together work together as a team and over come our ptsd and hopefully one day lead a semi normal life.
When I am down or having a bad day or when im hard on myself he is the first person to tell me how beautiful I am how smart I am and how I am an amazing mother to my two daughters and how I give him hope that he can get better he says seeing me with my kids gives him hope makes him not want to give up, and I do the same for him when he is hard on himself. I dont know what else to write I feel like a giant emotional disaster right now and although i know it will get worse before it gets better its hard to focus on that when it seems like everything is falling apart in front of me. Anyways that is the short story of me
<PC sent requesting post be edited before time elapses. Amethist>
