DayzeeMaeBoxer
New Here
My name is Leann, I am a survivor! However I suffer severely for 18 plus years of PTSD, but I am still a survivor..
Here is my story. Names were changed in story for privacy.
My Story,
When I was a young child approximately 8 months old my real mother left me with my father, Dale. My father was young 18 years old and had no intention on learning to settle down and be a parent so most of my time was spent by my grandparents. When I was three my dad married Daisy who I call my mom. My mom tried to do the best she could raising me, however my father was to busy running around with other women and had a severe gambling addiction. My dad was physically abusive to my mom and was so right in front of me on many occasions. One occasion I explicitly remember was he was punching her and I got in between them, he pushed me back out of the way, went to hit her again, and I jumped up and got between them and said “you won’t hit my mom”. From that day forward (I was about 11 years old, he never hit her again, or at least not in front of me.
I was never told that Daisy was not my real mother, until I was 14 years old and found my birth certificate, and on the mother section it stated a woman’s name of Brandy. I questioned my mom, Daisy, and she said talk to your dad. My dad was nowhere to be found so I asked my grandparents who explained the situation.
My dad then moved in with another woman, and divorced my mom and left me and my two younger sisters with my mom with nothing. My mom did not have a job, and had never been allowed to work, so it was a great struggle for us just to live normally. I mostly chose to live with my grandparents to have some sort of consistency/normalcy in my life.
At 15 years old I ended up pregnant and lost that pregnancy. After this I turned 16 and met a man named Jerry. He was a bad seed, into drugs, drinking etc however gave me the attention I much needed from a man at that point in my life. I also during this time met a guy that became a very close friend of mine named Frank. Frank was brutally murdered right in front of me shot in the head, dead. After this Jerry convinced me to run away with him and go live with my real mom who I found and met and who was also a meth addict. During this time, Jerry became very controlling of me. I could not go anywhere without him, could not speak to anyone without him, and he made me do everything he said to do. At first I thought it was just attention, after a while it became severe control.
To make a long story short, I was with Jerry for 2 years, and during this two years, he raped me, allowed his friends to rape me and do whatever they wanted to me, beat me with a 2x4, shoved me down the stairs when I was pregnant, sliced my head open with an arrow off his bow, wiped feces on me, stuck my head in the toilet, would have a friend sit outside our house while he worked so I would not leave the house to call cops or get help, he would take all phones out of the house. There was so much more, and this was daily. I ended up pregnant at 17 with my now 19 year old daughter (born in 1995), Sissy. One day when Sissy was a baby he went to punch me and ended up punching her in the head, than I threatened to leave and he grabbed a knife and was going to stab me. There was a knock on the door with police at the door and he got arrested for a non-related crime. I did not say anything to the police, I just ran and did not look back. He ended up going to prison.
I met my now Ex-husband Curt, who helped me file to have Jerry’s rights terminated to my daughter, which happened and then Curt adopted Sissy. She was about 2 years old when this all finally went through. We also had my son Danny.
I left Curt after approx. 2 years together. I than met my now 2nd ex-husband Martin. All this time I was just trying to push away and not talk about what happened to me by Jerry. I was to humiliated and embarrassed to ever admit what had happened. I tried to forget about it. Martin looked a lot like Jerry so it really mad it difficult to push aside but I tried. We than became pregnant with our son Lonny. I really felt like I loved Martin, so becoming pregnant with Lonny, seemed to take away everything I had been through. Lonny was born in spring, and made our family whole. I seem to shove everything I was feeling into just trying to overly be the perfect mom. Not realizing I was dyeing inside the entire time. In the summer at only 4 months old Lonny died of SIDS. SNAP----------this is when my mind broke, which it was actually broken from before.
About a month after my son was buried, and we moved into a new home, I was sitting at home having strange things happening. I would hear my son crying and start searching frantically in the closets, cupboards anywhere trying to find him, walking down the streets (we lived in the country), I would search the ditch lines anywhere trying to find him. My ex-husband walked into the home one night and I thought he was Jerry coming to kill me so I grabbed a shotgun we had that he used to hunt with (it wasn’t loaded, but my mind did not know this) and I pointed it at him, asking him how he found me, how did he get into my home. It took my husband hours to convince me he was him and not my abusive ex. I would out of nowhere go into violent outrages on him, hitting him, freaking out like I was protecting myself, all the while my mind playing tricks on me telling me he was Jerry my abusive ex. I would make up stories of things that happened that could not have possibly happened (my husband Martin worked on the road away from home 5 days a week).
We ended up having two girls after Lonnie death, Mary now age 12, and Ginny now age 10. My issues never seemed to affect my parent or ever get directed toward mychildren only men. The issues just continued to get worse so we separated and then divorced.
During this time I started realizing things in my head were not right. I started not sleeping for days on end, (this has went on for years), I started hearing Jerry around me, started isolating myself from anyone and everyone, cut off contact to close friends, would barely go into public unless necessary. I would drive a different route constantly, never taking the same one twice in a few day window. Severe anxiety attacks, always on guard, thoughts of suicide, it was really bad, and this was and still is to this day a daily battle that people don’t understand.
One day I started dating a gentleman who was a great guy and treated me well.
One day we got into an argument about something that was minor however he had drank a few beers, he came close to me and I smelt the smell of the beer on his breath and I freaked out on him, punching him, something inside me snapped out of nowhere. He tackled me to the ground to get me off of him, and I got a small rug burn on my chin. He got off me and I ran into the other room and called the police. I told the police I did not know how he got into my house and that he attacked me. This entire time I was not thinking of him but was thinking of my ex that abused me.
A few days later I realized what I had done and tried to right the situation, he of course had to have his day in court because they of course did not believe me. Calling me a victim since he did not have any marks. He was not found guilty and we never spoke again after that.
This is when I started counseling. I was diagnosed with have PTSD, with having dissociation and delusional episodes and a very high level of hyper vigilance, and severely high level of anxiety.
I went through counseling for almost 2 years, had EDMR therapy, cognitive behavior therapy and was on medications. My counselor recommended me to tell anyone if I have an episode to try to bear hug me and talk me down out of it, so I did not hurt someone or hurt myself. And that I will have many triggers that can set me off throughout the years and throughout my life and I may never be able to tell what those all are until they happen.
I eventually quit going when I thought I was better, despite my counselor telling me that I should continue that it should be a continuing thing I focus on. But I did not, I thought I was fine.
Years went by and now we are into 2008, and I had Christmas at my home with my entire family there. My dad and I many years prior repaired our broken relationship and have been very close, however we got into an argument that day and I asked him to leave my home. With my entire family there watching my dad walked past me to leave and brushed up against me and I grabbed him by his neck and took him clear across the room as all my family members tried to pull me off of him. It was my dad however again in my mind it wasn’t.
It took my family a week or more to get me to realize it was my dad I attacked because I swore he hit me first, and that it was my ex not my dad. I finally came out of whatever episode I was having realized it was my dad and again worked to repair this relationship.
On 08/04/2014, I reached out to my counselor, however decided to wait until new insurance at beginning of the year, because I was starting to have these episodes off and on only in small increments due to stress from the first of year. In Jan my 17 yr old son punched me, end of Jan I broke my foot severly, March my dead sons bday he would have been 13, May my oldest graduated and threatened to go find her real dad, june my dad had heart issue, july my dead son had been passed away for 13 years, aug my oldest actually moved to college, sept 11 I caused an accident because my mind was slipping. I actually even believed that she caused the accident when there was no justifiable way, but my mind told me otherwise.
This brings us to the present. My current boyfriend Mike who is a great guy, basically would do everything and anything for me and is very supportive (we started living together in Jan 2012, however have known each other since high school). He knew very little of what had happened to me with Jerry. He knew very basic details as it is very humiliating and quite honestly talking about it brings back a high level of pain and anxiety. But I did tell him small bits of my PTSD, and that if at any time I ever for whatever reason start freaking out on him to grab me and hold me until I calm down and just talk to me about calming things.
Well things in our relationship was going great until the day of 09/16/14. On 9/16/2014 I picked up Mike from work as we car pooled together, and he had drank a beer. I smelled that beer on his breath as he leaned over to give me a kiss, and all of a sudden I felt almost out of my body so to speak again. I told him to get out of my vehicle, he asked why and I said I don’t know how you found me but get out of my vehicle. He got out, really confused about what was going on.
I drove away and went straight to the courthouse and filed for a temporary protection order. I went home and functioned as normal as if nothing had happened, than a couple of days later, I read what I had wrote and my mind popped back into reality, and I realized that what I wrote was what my ex had done to me years ago. I on 09/22/14 filed for a dismissal of the temp protection order. I called Mike my boyfriend and told him I am not 100% sure what is going on but I needed him home for his support. Even with the protection order in place he said he would come home and just hide out until it was dismissed as he did not want me to do something stupid. On 09/24 in the morning I picked him up at a gas station by his work, we stopped at Bank and he cashed his paycheck, went to gas station and went home.
While at home we relaxed and watched tv. I had to go pick up the kids and take them to dance, and I told him to just stay in the room so the kids did not know he was home yet due to the protection order, they know its illegal and I did not want to set bad example.
I went took kids to dance, came home, made dinner, helped kids with homework, and put kids to bed. Then I went into my room to spend the evening watching movies with Mike. While we were laying in bed watching tv he leaned over on top of me to give me a kiss and looked me in the eyes and said he would never hurt me like Jerry did. This set me completely off. I started punching, kicking, biting, scratching, while he tried to hold me and talk to me about my dogs. I ended up kicking him off of me and I flipped off bed and hit my eye on corner of my dresser. I was coming in and out of this episode.
Almost between reality and my past. I told him he needed to go outside and sleep in car as I was not right and was going to end up doing something stupid.
He agreed and went outside; he attempted to talk to me through the window, and for most of the night it worked and kept me calm most of the time.
In the morning, we left went to the gas station (the gas station that is directly across from my local sheriff/police department), got coffee and cigarettes.
We drove a little ways down the highway and my mind split! I became somewhere else. I looked at him and saw my ex and asked him how he got in my car!!!!!!!! I said I am going to make you pay, and sped off down the highway (Mike knowing that make you pay could mean anything with what he knew of my ex). I drove straight to nearest big city, and dropped him off in front of the police station to police officers.
My story to the police officers was so far from what really happened. I mean literally completely different not just a little bit. I told them he just showed up at my house, I went outside and he attacked me outside, and I drove him directly (an entirely different route) to the nearest big city police department. The police in nearest big city arrested him only for violating the NCO this was approx. 8 am or so. They told me to go to my town to file the domestic charges. I left and have zero idea where I went or what happened for over 2 hours before I showed up at my town Police department. I dissociated for almost 10 days. Living and functioning in an entirely different world.
Anyways, to my point of this story he was arrested and is being charged with domestic abuse etc…that I feel I am fighting for to prove his innocence which is insane……..I provided proof of his innocence while he was still in jail and the county attorney ignored all evidence I provided, which was physical, tangible evidence NOT just my word.
The county attorney has been very rude, and when I told him about my PTSD and medical issues he sat there with a smug smerk on his face, even after I provided documentation from my doctors. He called me immature for not cooperating. There is not for one moment that I have felt any sincerity from someone that is suppose to represent our community. He is out for only a win and that is it. I feel sorry for any true victims of abuse if they have to suffer the hands of this man.
I do not think our justice system is fair to those with PTSD. There are many war veterans that suffer and suffer severly. In fact when I met with my counselor, she immediately sent me to the hospital for more intensive therapy as she said the episode I had was as bad as a war victim or veteran coming back from a war.
I am done dealing with this system and how they have treated and laughed at me, calling me a victim, forcing me to over and over and over relive the nightmare that I went through many years ago just to prove someones innocence. I am fighting an ending battle. There is little support for anyone in our area for anyone with PTSD, and especially for as severe as I have it. I am now on excellent medication and have been for months that seem to do an extremely great job. I am no longer in the hospitals treatment center, and I go to my counselor on a regular basis. I am getting better, but the way people treat me in the justice system sickens me.
Anyways, this is my story, as I sit here crying, not knowing what tomorrow brings as we (I) fight this battle legally, and for myself and my own health, I am just saddened by it all. The lack of support is insane in our country with not only PTSD but any mental illness.
I have done hours of research probably 100’s of hours on PTSD, and as a society that and other mental illnesses need to be brought to the forefront both in the news and legal systems as changes need to occur. Its ludacris the lack of support our country shows for both our Vetrans suffering from PTSD, as well as those of us that suffer due to no choice of our own.
Anyways wanted to share my lifelong battle, as no matter what I am a survivor.
Thank you for your time and glad to be here for support!
Here is my story. Names were changed in story for privacy.
My Story,
When I was a young child approximately 8 months old my real mother left me with my father, Dale. My father was young 18 years old and had no intention on learning to settle down and be a parent so most of my time was spent by my grandparents. When I was three my dad married Daisy who I call my mom. My mom tried to do the best she could raising me, however my father was to busy running around with other women and had a severe gambling addiction. My dad was physically abusive to my mom and was so right in front of me on many occasions. One occasion I explicitly remember was he was punching her and I got in between them, he pushed me back out of the way, went to hit her again, and I jumped up and got between them and said “you won’t hit my mom”. From that day forward (I was about 11 years old, he never hit her again, or at least not in front of me.
I was never told that Daisy was not my real mother, until I was 14 years old and found my birth certificate, and on the mother section it stated a woman’s name of Brandy. I questioned my mom, Daisy, and she said talk to your dad. My dad was nowhere to be found so I asked my grandparents who explained the situation.
My dad then moved in with another woman, and divorced my mom and left me and my two younger sisters with my mom with nothing. My mom did not have a job, and had never been allowed to work, so it was a great struggle for us just to live normally. I mostly chose to live with my grandparents to have some sort of consistency/normalcy in my life.
At 15 years old I ended up pregnant and lost that pregnancy. After this I turned 16 and met a man named Jerry. He was a bad seed, into drugs, drinking etc however gave me the attention I much needed from a man at that point in my life. I also during this time met a guy that became a very close friend of mine named Frank. Frank was brutally murdered right in front of me shot in the head, dead. After this Jerry convinced me to run away with him and go live with my real mom who I found and met and who was also a meth addict. During this time, Jerry became very controlling of me. I could not go anywhere without him, could not speak to anyone without him, and he made me do everything he said to do. At first I thought it was just attention, after a while it became severe control.
To make a long story short, I was with Jerry for 2 years, and during this two years, he raped me, allowed his friends to rape me and do whatever they wanted to me, beat me with a 2x4, shoved me down the stairs when I was pregnant, sliced my head open with an arrow off his bow, wiped feces on me, stuck my head in the toilet, would have a friend sit outside our house while he worked so I would not leave the house to call cops or get help, he would take all phones out of the house. There was so much more, and this was daily. I ended up pregnant at 17 with my now 19 year old daughter (born in 1995), Sissy. One day when Sissy was a baby he went to punch me and ended up punching her in the head, than I threatened to leave and he grabbed a knife and was going to stab me. There was a knock on the door with police at the door and he got arrested for a non-related crime. I did not say anything to the police, I just ran and did not look back. He ended up going to prison.
I met my now Ex-husband Curt, who helped me file to have Jerry’s rights terminated to my daughter, which happened and then Curt adopted Sissy. She was about 2 years old when this all finally went through. We also had my son Danny.
I left Curt after approx. 2 years together. I than met my now 2nd ex-husband Martin. All this time I was just trying to push away and not talk about what happened to me by Jerry. I was to humiliated and embarrassed to ever admit what had happened. I tried to forget about it. Martin looked a lot like Jerry so it really mad it difficult to push aside but I tried. We than became pregnant with our son Lonny. I really felt like I loved Martin, so becoming pregnant with Lonny, seemed to take away everything I had been through. Lonny was born in spring, and made our family whole. I seem to shove everything I was feeling into just trying to overly be the perfect mom. Not realizing I was dyeing inside the entire time. In the summer at only 4 months old Lonny died of SIDS. SNAP----------this is when my mind broke, which it was actually broken from before.
About a month after my son was buried, and we moved into a new home, I was sitting at home having strange things happening. I would hear my son crying and start searching frantically in the closets, cupboards anywhere trying to find him, walking down the streets (we lived in the country), I would search the ditch lines anywhere trying to find him. My ex-husband walked into the home one night and I thought he was Jerry coming to kill me so I grabbed a shotgun we had that he used to hunt with (it wasn’t loaded, but my mind did not know this) and I pointed it at him, asking him how he found me, how did he get into my home. It took my husband hours to convince me he was him and not my abusive ex. I would out of nowhere go into violent outrages on him, hitting him, freaking out like I was protecting myself, all the while my mind playing tricks on me telling me he was Jerry my abusive ex. I would make up stories of things that happened that could not have possibly happened (my husband Martin worked on the road away from home 5 days a week).
We ended up having two girls after Lonnie death, Mary now age 12, and Ginny now age 10. My issues never seemed to affect my parent or ever get directed toward mychildren only men. The issues just continued to get worse so we separated and then divorced.
During this time I started realizing things in my head were not right. I started not sleeping for days on end, (this has went on for years), I started hearing Jerry around me, started isolating myself from anyone and everyone, cut off contact to close friends, would barely go into public unless necessary. I would drive a different route constantly, never taking the same one twice in a few day window. Severe anxiety attacks, always on guard, thoughts of suicide, it was really bad, and this was and still is to this day a daily battle that people don’t understand.
One day I started dating a gentleman who was a great guy and treated me well.
One day we got into an argument about something that was minor however he had drank a few beers, he came close to me and I smelt the smell of the beer on his breath and I freaked out on him, punching him, something inside me snapped out of nowhere. He tackled me to the ground to get me off of him, and I got a small rug burn on my chin. He got off me and I ran into the other room and called the police. I told the police I did not know how he got into my house and that he attacked me. This entire time I was not thinking of him but was thinking of my ex that abused me.
A few days later I realized what I had done and tried to right the situation, he of course had to have his day in court because they of course did not believe me. Calling me a victim since he did not have any marks. He was not found guilty and we never spoke again after that.
This is when I started counseling. I was diagnosed with have PTSD, with having dissociation and delusional episodes and a very high level of hyper vigilance, and severely high level of anxiety.
I went through counseling for almost 2 years, had EDMR therapy, cognitive behavior therapy and was on medications. My counselor recommended me to tell anyone if I have an episode to try to bear hug me and talk me down out of it, so I did not hurt someone or hurt myself. And that I will have many triggers that can set me off throughout the years and throughout my life and I may never be able to tell what those all are until they happen.
I eventually quit going when I thought I was better, despite my counselor telling me that I should continue that it should be a continuing thing I focus on. But I did not, I thought I was fine.
Years went by and now we are into 2008, and I had Christmas at my home with my entire family there. My dad and I many years prior repaired our broken relationship and have been very close, however we got into an argument that day and I asked him to leave my home. With my entire family there watching my dad walked past me to leave and brushed up against me and I grabbed him by his neck and took him clear across the room as all my family members tried to pull me off of him. It was my dad however again in my mind it wasn’t.
It took my family a week or more to get me to realize it was my dad I attacked because I swore he hit me first, and that it was my ex not my dad. I finally came out of whatever episode I was having realized it was my dad and again worked to repair this relationship.
On 08/04/2014, I reached out to my counselor, however decided to wait until new insurance at beginning of the year, because I was starting to have these episodes off and on only in small increments due to stress from the first of year. In Jan my 17 yr old son punched me, end of Jan I broke my foot severly, March my dead sons bday he would have been 13, May my oldest graduated and threatened to go find her real dad, june my dad had heart issue, july my dead son had been passed away for 13 years, aug my oldest actually moved to college, sept 11 I caused an accident because my mind was slipping. I actually even believed that she caused the accident when there was no justifiable way, but my mind told me otherwise.
This brings us to the present. My current boyfriend Mike who is a great guy, basically would do everything and anything for me and is very supportive (we started living together in Jan 2012, however have known each other since high school). He knew very little of what had happened to me with Jerry. He knew very basic details as it is very humiliating and quite honestly talking about it brings back a high level of pain and anxiety. But I did tell him small bits of my PTSD, and that if at any time I ever for whatever reason start freaking out on him to grab me and hold me until I calm down and just talk to me about calming things.
Well things in our relationship was going great until the day of 09/16/14. On 9/16/2014 I picked up Mike from work as we car pooled together, and he had drank a beer. I smelled that beer on his breath as he leaned over to give me a kiss, and all of a sudden I felt almost out of my body so to speak again. I told him to get out of my vehicle, he asked why and I said I don’t know how you found me but get out of my vehicle. He got out, really confused about what was going on.
I drove away and went straight to the courthouse and filed for a temporary protection order. I went home and functioned as normal as if nothing had happened, than a couple of days later, I read what I had wrote and my mind popped back into reality, and I realized that what I wrote was what my ex had done to me years ago. I on 09/22/14 filed for a dismissal of the temp protection order. I called Mike my boyfriend and told him I am not 100% sure what is going on but I needed him home for his support. Even with the protection order in place he said he would come home and just hide out until it was dismissed as he did not want me to do something stupid. On 09/24 in the morning I picked him up at a gas station by his work, we stopped at Bank and he cashed his paycheck, went to gas station and went home.
While at home we relaxed and watched tv. I had to go pick up the kids and take them to dance, and I told him to just stay in the room so the kids did not know he was home yet due to the protection order, they know its illegal and I did not want to set bad example.
I went took kids to dance, came home, made dinner, helped kids with homework, and put kids to bed. Then I went into my room to spend the evening watching movies with Mike. While we were laying in bed watching tv he leaned over on top of me to give me a kiss and looked me in the eyes and said he would never hurt me like Jerry did. This set me completely off. I started punching, kicking, biting, scratching, while he tried to hold me and talk to me about my dogs. I ended up kicking him off of me and I flipped off bed and hit my eye on corner of my dresser. I was coming in and out of this episode.
Almost between reality and my past. I told him he needed to go outside and sleep in car as I was not right and was going to end up doing something stupid.
He agreed and went outside; he attempted to talk to me through the window, and for most of the night it worked and kept me calm most of the time.
In the morning, we left went to the gas station (the gas station that is directly across from my local sheriff/police department), got coffee and cigarettes.
We drove a little ways down the highway and my mind split! I became somewhere else. I looked at him and saw my ex and asked him how he got in my car!!!!!!!! I said I am going to make you pay, and sped off down the highway (Mike knowing that make you pay could mean anything with what he knew of my ex). I drove straight to nearest big city, and dropped him off in front of the police station to police officers.
My story to the police officers was so far from what really happened. I mean literally completely different not just a little bit. I told them he just showed up at my house, I went outside and he attacked me outside, and I drove him directly (an entirely different route) to the nearest big city police department. The police in nearest big city arrested him only for violating the NCO this was approx. 8 am or so. They told me to go to my town to file the domestic charges. I left and have zero idea where I went or what happened for over 2 hours before I showed up at my town Police department. I dissociated for almost 10 days. Living and functioning in an entirely different world.
Anyways, to my point of this story he was arrested and is being charged with domestic abuse etc…that I feel I am fighting for to prove his innocence which is insane……..I provided proof of his innocence while he was still in jail and the county attorney ignored all evidence I provided, which was physical, tangible evidence NOT just my word.
The county attorney has been very rude, and when I told him about my PTSD and medical issues he sat there with a smug smerk on his face, even after I provided documentation from my doctors. He called me immature for not cooperating. There is not for one moment that I have felt any sincerity from someone that is suppose to represent our community. He is out for only a win and that is it. I feel sorry for any true victims of abuse if they have to suffer the hands of this man.
I do not think our justice system is fair to those with PTSD. There are many war veterans that suffer and suffer severly. In fact when I met with my counselor, she immediately sent me to the hospital for more intensive therapy as she said the episode I had was as bad as a war victim or veteran coming back from a war.
I am done dealing with this system and how they have treated and laughed at me, calling me a victim, forcing me to over and over and over relive the nightmare that I went through many years ago just to prove someones innocence. I am fighting an ending battle. There is little support for anyone in our area for anyone with PTSD, and especially for as severe as I have it. I am now on excellent medication and have been for months that seem to do an extremely great job. I am no longer in the hospitals treatment center, and I go to my counselor on a regular basis. I am getting better, but the way people treat me in the justice system sickens me.
Anyways, this is my story, as I sit here crying, not knowing what tomorrow brings as we (I) fight this battle legally, and for myself and my own health, I am just saddened by it all. The lack of support is insane in our country with not only PTSD but any mental illness.
I have done hours of research probably 100’s of hours on PTSD, and as a society that and other mental illnesses need to be brought to the forefront both in the news and legal systems as changes need to occur. Its ludacris the lack of support our country shows for both our Vetrans suffering from PTSD, as well as those of us that suffer due to no choice of our own.
Anyways wanted to share my lifelong battle, as no matter what I am a survivor.
Thank you for your time and glad to be here for support!
