Sufferer My Story; Me

[lostforgottensoul]

I've been diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and possible but not diagnosed Attachment Disorder. I grew up in a very bad cult, Santanic like thought it was being called christianity, headed by my mom & step dad. They told me "god speaks to us & told me to do this because you were bad"...or "...to love you" and punishments could be cutting me down there to boiling water or bleach or any burning chemical put in me to being urinated on to really anything. My dad left my mom when I was 12 so most of it started them but she was having an affair with him when I was 7 and thats when he started having sex with me, I was "special" and "beautiful". The forcing of watch porn videos with him and my mom around 9 yrs old and she was easy to get her to believe his "religion", he had his own bible and everything and as embarrased as I am to say this, I still believe, as much as I believe the sky is blue, that they could hear god and god told them to do these things. If it were another child it would be wrong to me, but because it was me, I dont see it as wrong. Age 12 they had me prostituting for them so I could pay them rent, half the bills, my own food though they dod have me eating out of the trash for a while. But their cult members would have sex with me as well as both my mom and step dad, 46 times was the most in one night (6 hrs). My step dad would have "gentle sex" with me which I actually looked foward to and still think about to this day and call him my "first love", its the only time I felt loved or very oddly, even safe. I dont ever remeber being a virgin so I dont remwmber who took that, i know a 14 yr old boy jad sex with me at 7 but i cant remember before age 7. They did forced small animal sacrafice and that, though forced, because I became ok with it in my own mind, is why I put myself in the same catigory as serial killers. Also forced bestiality and other horrible things. My step dad died anout a yr ago though he's alive in my head and my mom and i havent talked or had contact since I was 19 but I hear her force all day long. When little we, my brother & I, went to a christian church but its also there were a pastor had sex with me many times in the church so terrified of chirches, very confused about religon and "god", very mixed up in general. I've been in therapy a bit over 6 yrs and will be for yrs to come. I was sent to this site by my therapist as I can't seem to get to actual local support groups and support is important as my entire family are out of my life and don't talk to me (their choice, they dont beliebe me) except my dad who left me there and i was isolated from when I was 12, i just unsupressed this 6 yrs ago and he's 74 and down plays it all and I have no friends equaling no support to be able to counter the "brainwashing" that was done. Personsonally I am an artist, mostly pencil portraits though I can draw still life, animals and really anything and paint with acrylics. I'm dyslexic so was labeled "stupid" and also a victim of horrible bullying in school to the point of rocks being thrown at my head so I had no safe place except where I went in my head. I'm now almost 35 and really want to change my life for the better and get better. I am able to work but other than that, the extreme fear of people keeps me inside. I'm also a clean addict, 12 yrs of 2 drugs and 1 yr of another. In the cult they gave me drugs to keep me compliant but it numbed it some and so I continued the addict cycle. I am a cutter and when I'm clean of drugs I do that instead, that still is an ongoing thing. I feel I am a very good friend if people would over look my issues and give me a chance; I do everything I can for anyone, what you tell me I take to my grave and I am a very honest person. Other than than those things though I fail to find the good in me. I've been suicidal since I was 8 and have thought about it every day since and many MANY failed attempts. So that's me and the fastest way to tell you my story. I feel Im in a dark hole, no light to see and in therapy we've hit a wall almost so I dont know how to "un-brainwash" myself, stop self doing the rituals, and get better. Sorry if this is too graphic, dont know how to tell my story without at least saying this much.

 

[shimmerz]

I am so very sorry you went through all of that @lostforgottensoul. It is incredible what the mind does to resolve these horrors. May you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[The Black Phoenix]

Welcome @lostforgottensoul. I joined recently, but so far this group has been great. Your story really resonated with me. I am also a visual artist as well as a fiction writer, and, ironically, I only was able to do this things again in the last couple of months. In that same period of time I have been remember bits and pieces. I'm not sure if the art is the horse or the cart, but I haven't done anything creative in years. Somehow the artistic side of me is tied to the trauma and it tethers me there, even though I find it therapeutic all the same. It's odd and hard to explain.

Anywho, welcome!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Welcome @lostforgottensoul. I joined recently, but so far this group has be...

I started drawing without any lessons and without knowing I could at 10 yrs old befoee the super bad stuff but still had things happening, you know, and it had always been my escape besides just going away in my head which is so scary easy for me to do even today I disossoiate. My mom and step dad burned all my drawings and paintings (not sure how the pictures made it, was in photography class 2 yrs in high school where we developed our own film and pictures) and most of my pieces i have were done 18 yrs old to about 23 yrs old where i became addicted to cocaine because my ex said if he saw a cut on me he would leave then laid a line of coke in front of me and said "this is better anyway". Since Ive been in therapy and this has been unsupressed (really 5 yrs cuz i was in there every week for a yr before he knew why i was really there) but i cant seem to settle my mind down enough to just that sweet spot to draw anything. Ive done a few small 15 min things but nothing really what i would call good since about 2001 ish. My thetapist wants me to draw again buy my brain wont shut up to channel just that one emotion. They (feelings) are starting to seperate some so maybe theres some progress but i dont know

 

[Friday]

Welcome to the forums :)

Similar problems drawing, oddly enough. I used to draw all the time. Been trying, really hard, to get back into it. Just started seeing the things I want to draw clear in my mind a bit ago, but getting that out on paper? Hard going. I switched years back to ceramics & photography. I could always rough out a sketch for those, but they didn't mean anything to anyone else but me. Switching styles, -with drawing- for whatever reason, seems to be working. Shall see. Work in progress. If it doesn't work this way? Try that way... Seems to be the theme of my own life. Keep moving, keep trying, sooner or later we get some traction.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Welcome to the forums :)

Similar problems drawing, oddly enough. I used to draw all the time. Been...

I will try that. Ive always wanted to get into oils & just never did and im thinking that direction and believe it or not I love watching Bob Ross on the Creative Channel "dab dab dab this litte tree in", makes me smile how he teaches but i can already do pencil, chalk, colored pencil, pastel pencil, acrylic....i hate water color so the only other medium i can think id like is ouls but theres a huge learning curve between acrylic and oils, you know? So i dont know but i'll tey that. The way i draw tho usually iant an image in my mind, its an emotion that i can channel and in the end the viewer is feeling that emotion, usually in the eyes if a protrait and most of the time i dont know what it is im doing, unless its a pictured portrait. My therapist stated since i dont sell them look some up online and try restarting myself for other's pieces (though i always have to change something just for moral sake) but i found i i love of a man and his eyes are prison bars with hands on the bars with a tear going down. Sound about right for me. Loved it!

 

[The Black Phoenix]

@lostforgottensoul - My first art experience (other than drawing in middle school) was painting in oils. Of all the mediums I find acrylics the most forgiving, because even if what you've done looks like monkey barf, it can be easily painted over. I suppose the same can be done with oils by scraping off the paint, but there is a deliberateness to oil painting it feels good to avoid, especially when I'm using art to be expressive. That is especially true if you aren't using a retardant to delay drying

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@lostforgottensoul - My first art experience (other than drawing in middle...

Acylics are forgiving but it seems so, I dont know, boring now. I want to get into a medium Ive never done. I want to buy the Bob Ross set off Amazon cuz its a learning thing, just because I can paint a lanscape or portrait in acrylic doesnt mean i can in oils and i love the texture of oils.

What I love about acrylics is you can mix medium, like ive added sharpie markers to do better detailing. Ive only done one colored pencil but most seem to love it (its frogger from the more recent game) and it also had a learning curve of layering to het the right shadding.

I dont know, I wish i could rip out a portrait or anything in 45 mins like I used to and now that everything is unsupressed its next to impossible to get my head to quiet enough to draw anything decent. I was trying to teach someone with slight retardation how to shade and it was only part of a graphic cartoon, a blue bird....not sure what movie, but it was pretty good but i was teaching so my brain wasnt all over the place. I try to sit alone and play the playlist i like for art and my mind races, i cant seem to narrow down to that one emotion i want to draw, its all jumbled so nothing really comes out good.

My therapist has seen my drawings and really wants me to get back in it, he says it will help but having a hard time doing it

 

[intothelight]

@lostforgottensoul Welcome! :)

 

[MCCS]

I personally just began my recovery and have found the book: Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving by Pete Walker extremely helpful in understanding what's going on in my mind and why.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I personally just began my recovery and have found the book: Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving by Pet...

Ah, all these books. Sorry, i know you're only trying to help but im dyslexic and generally dont read but have to read a huge book The Post-Traumtic Sourcebook; that im sorta stuck on and my dad got me one called Risin' Strong by Berne Brown and so im gonna try reading that then go back to the sourcebook then theres another one about unbrainwashing yourself after a cult that someone advised me of so i bookmarked that. I generally dont read at all cuz i have to read a paragraph 5 times to understand what im reading so its fruatrating.

I'll look it up and book mark it. Maybe after I finish Risin' Stong or if i get stuck in it like i did the sourcebook. Thank you!

 

[MCCS]

Ah, all these books. Sorry, i know you're only trying to help but im dyslexic and generally d...

Completely understandable. There might be an audio version or an app that you can download that can read the book to you if that would make it easier for you. I do relate to your post in a few aspects and want you to know that you're not alone in this.