etoiledemavie
New Here
Hello,
I came to an online forum because I just don't know how to deal with these new symptoms cropping up out of nowhere on my own.
I grew up in a Christian cult. We had to go to church every morning at six in the morning. Almost all of the kids were homeschooled so that we could keep the rigorous church schedule (myself and my three brothers included.) I was molested/raped by three different men throughout my childhood that I can remember and possibly more that I don't remember. My parents were physically and emotionally abusive, very authoritarian parenting style. I started being aware (remembering) of the sexual abuse when I was 14 or 15 and I had a complete meltdown and major flash backs in 2010.
Recently I have been noticing how I let people use me, and how most of my relationships are one-sided. As a result of which, I am having major insecurity issues and feeling like I can't trust anyone. I have been feeling the urge to be super controlling with my fiance, who is wonderful and loves me to pieces. I feel like I have a demon running around inside my head that I can't get rid of whenever I know he is talking to another girl. I know he is not cheating on me because he is completely honest with me and will let me use his phone or see what he is typing if I ask. But I don't know how to get rid of this screaming angry voice that is driving me insane. I feel like he is more than everything I have waited for, but it is too good to be true and he is just going to leave me eventually. I know that if I don't stop this I will push him away. I don't even know how to tell him all this because I don't want him to be hurt that I feel like this sometimes.
We are in the process of moving to a different state, and I am PMSing both of which exacerbates my anxiety and insecurity.
Anyone have any advice on how to handle these thoughts running me ragged?
I came to an online forum because I just don't know how to deal with these new symptoms cropping up out of nowhere on my own.
I grew up in a Christian cult. We had to go to church every morning at six in the morning. Almost all of the kids were homeschooled so that we could keep the rigorous church schedule (myself and my three brothers included.) I was molested/raped by three different men throughout my childhood that I can remember and possibly more that I don't remember. My parents were physically and emotionally abusive, very authoritarian parenting style. I started being aware (remembering) of the sexual abuse when I was 14 or 15 and I had a complete meltdown and major flash backs in 2010.
Recently I have been noticing how I let people use me, and how most of my relationships are one-sided. As a result of which, I am having major insecurity issues and feeling like I can't trust anyone. I have been feeling the urge to be super controlling with my fiance, who is wonderful and loves me to pieces. I feel like I have a demon running around inside my head that I can't get rid of whenever I know he is talking to another girl. I know he is not cheating on me because he is completely honest with me and will let me use his phone or see what he is typing if I ask. But I don't know how to get rid of this screaming angry voice that is driving me insane. I feel like he is more than everything I have waited for, but it is too good to be true and he is just going to leave me eventually. I know that if I don't stop this I will push him away. I don't even know how to tell him all this because I don't want him to be hurt that I feel like this sometimes.
We are in the process of moving to a different state, and I am PMSing both of which exacerbates my anxiety and insecurity.
Anyone have any advice on how to handle these thoughts running me ragged?
