icouldeatthemoon
New Here
So this is going to be long; I know most of you won't read this, and that's okay. I just want to let some things out.
My name is Jessica and I'm 25. I'm a veterinary technician and I live with my boyfriend of 5 years. I suffer from terrible anxiety and depression. I have suffered from anxiety since I can even remember, and the depression probably started in 5th grade. Now, I've never been molested or assaulted, so I know my story is not nearly as intense as a lot of other people. Everything that has happened to me has been purely psychological.
Growing up, my sister and I were never encouraged to talk about our feelings. I think because of this, they were often overlooked. My anxiety showed when I would rather hang out at home than play with my friends. Friends would come to the door, and I would ask my mom to send them away about 75% of the time. I had a hard time having conversations. I had friends at school, but I never hung out with them outside of school, and they usually talked over me because I was so quiet. Even when they did invite me to things, I didn't want to go.
At home, I really thought my parents hated each other. I feel like it distorted my husband/wife views. My dad was constantly being an asshole to my mom for no good reason, and my mom "fell asleep on the couch" more than I thought was normal. My sister received the brunt of my dad's anger. She was a little bit of a rebel, but my dad went to extremes and almost seemed to go out of his way to get onto her, which only made her want to act out more. It terrified me to hear him yelling at her and it almost scared me into submission. I didn't want to do anything wrong after that, and I didn't do anything rebellious until I was 22.
In school, I feel like I was on edge all the time. I hated sitting in the front of the class because I felt like people were watching me. I felt like I was on stage with every little thing that I did: walking down the halls, eating lunch, sitting in the library... Especially in high school.
When I was a freshman in high school, I approached my mother (a nurse) about it. I thought maybe I should go to the doctor and get on some medication to help me. I was having a really hard time in school (socially), and I was desperate for something. This was the first time I really came to my mother and talked about something serious and emotional.
Then she proceeded to tell me that it was just something I needed to work on and get over. That I needed to just get up and do stuff and shake off my feelings. She said I could go to the doctor, but she strongly discouraged it, so I didn't. The gist I got from here was to get over it.
Socially, high school was so hard for me. I had a series of terrible boyfriends as well as a series of terrible girlfriends, and my anxiety and depression just made everything culminate into a terrible high school experience. I didn't know how to hold a conversation, people thought I was a snob because I didn't talk to them. Plus after my breakups, I didn't know how to branch back out and I had no desire to hang out with my friends, who were terrible friends anyway.
I just feel like my social skills never developed. But they did develop later on when I got on medication. This makes me really resent my mother. I feel like if I had the help I needed in high school then I would have had an easier time dealing with all the drama and emotion surrounding me. Instead, I spiraled into depression.
And I never talked to my parents about ANY of this. The breakups, the depression, the shitty things people did to me. I kept it all inside and it stayed there for years and years and it's still there now and that's why I'm writing this.
Let me mention one shitty thing a friend did to me: I was head over heals for this guy. We dated but it didn't work out, but I was still so in love with him and we were on the newspaper staff together. Well I made a new friend that year, and I was so excited because I really liked hanging out with her and I was desperate for a friend that wasn't a narcissist. I poured my heart out to her one day about my ex; I cried and everything. I told her things that happened with him that I never told anybody else. Guess what happened a week later? She was dating him. I know it seems silly now because it was in high school, but shamefully I'll admit that I still have some feelings for this guy. It was something really serious for me.
When graduation was approaching, I had acceptance offers from many schools. My dad was given an assignment in Tampa, Fl, so I applied for schools in my state as well as Florida. I really wanted to stay in state. One, because of tuition, and also because the state had offered me a full ride scholarship to pretty much any school in the state. This was my logic and the conclusion I came to on my own.
Well then my dad stepped in with his insight, telling me that if I don't move to Florida then SC won't give me in state tuition because I won't have an address because my parents moved. I knew this was crazy and I argued with him repeatedly about this until I finally conceded on Florida, where I had no scholarship and had to take out student loans, which my dad paid for for the first two years. Well after that, he decided that he wanted to let me use his GI bill (the air force pays for schooling and housing). His original plan for me was to go to vet school, but he told me recently that my train derailed at some point. Now he bitches about the fact that I used up his GI bill, but I could have had a free ride if he hadn't manipulated me into moving to Florida! If I resent my father for anything, it is this. I could have had a totally different life if my dad hadn't been by my side whispering manipulative words into my ear. I'm not where I want to be at in life, and I could easily blame my father..
Our relationship has gotten better since there is distance between us now, but our relationship is so strained, and he makes it that way! Whenever I hang out with him, I just want to have a nice conversation you know. Maybe learn about what he's been up to or how the dogs are, but he always makes everything political and makes it into a lesson. It makes it impossible to have a nice conversation. I usually just clam up when he's done with his rant because it makes me uncomfortable. Then, when I talk to him on the phone, he mopes about how I don't ever call him because I don't like him, and he says it like it's a fact. What am I supposed to say to that? He also complains to my mom that I don't like him. I've tried to spend time with him, but like I said, it turns political every time. And I don't mean government political (not every time anyway), but I will bring up a topic like how I've lost weight, and he will go on about obesity and the problem with America and society with the availability of junk food. I don't want to hear about that from my dad when I'm trying to spend time with him.
Anyway, all of this crap I feel like has culminated into the person I am today. I am on meds now, and my anxiety and depression are a lot better, but I do have breakthrough moments, and I am going through a bout of depression right now. My boyfriend is the greatest at understanding what I go through and being supportive. He has helped me push past my issues with my parents and he has helped me tackle my anxiety head-on.
I appreciate this site and this forum for my story. I've never talked to anyone about this stuff except for my boyfriend. It's a lot but I needed to get it out. Thank you whoever reads the whole thing :)
My name is Jessica and I'm 25. I'm a veterinary technician and I live with my boyfriend of 5 years. I suffer from terrible anxiety and depression. I have suffered from anxiety since I can even remember, and the depression probably started in 5th grade. Now, I've never been molested or assaulted, so I know my story is not nearly as intense as a lot of other people. Everything that has happened to me has been purely psychological.
Growing up, my sister and I were never encouraged to talk about our feelings. I think because of this, they were often overlooked. My anxiety showed when I would rather hang out at home than play with my friends. Friends would come to the door, and I would ask my mom to send them away about 75% of the time. I had a hard time having conversations. I had friends at school, but I never hung out with them outside of school, and they usually talked over me because I was so quiet. Even when they did invite me to things, I didn't want to go.
At home, I really thought my parents hated each other. I feel like it distorted my husband/wife views. My dad was constantly being an asshole to my mom for no good reason, and my mom "fell asleep on the couch" more than I thought was normal. My sister received the brunt of my dad's anger. She was a little bit of a rebel, but my dad went to extremes and almost seemed to go out of his way to get onto her, which only made her want to act out more. It terrified me to hear him yelling at her and it almost scared me into submission. I didn't want to do anything wrong after that, and I didn't do anything rebellious until I was 22.
In school, I feel like I was on edge all the time. I hated sitting in the front of the class because I felt like people were watching me. I felt like I was on stage with every little thing that I did: walking down the halls, eating lunch, sitting in the library... Especially in high school.
When I was a freshman in high school, I approached my mother (a nurse) about it. I thought maybe I should go to the doctor and get on some medication to help me. I was having a really hard time in school (socially), and I was desperate for something. This was the first time I really came to my mother and talked about something serious and emotional.
Then she proceeded to tell me that it was just something I needed to work on and get over. That I needed to just get up and do stuff and shake off my feelings. She said I could go to the doctor, but she strongly discouraged it, so I didn't. The gist I got from here was to get over it.
Socially, high school was so hard for me. I had a series of terrible boyfriends as well as a series of terrible girlfriends, and my anxiety and depression just made everything culminate into a terrible high school experience. I didn't know how to hold a conversation, people thought I was a snob because I didn't talk to them. Plus after my breakups, I didn't know how to branch back out and I had no desire to hang out with my friends, who were terrible friends anyway.
I just feel like my social skills never developed. But they did develop later on when I got on medication. This makes me really resent my mother. I feel like if I had the help I needed in high school then I would have had an easier time dealing with all the drama and emotion surrounding me. Instead, I spiraled into depression.
And I never talked to my parents about ANY of this. The breakups, the depression, the shitty things people did to me. I kept it all inside and it stayed there for years and years and it's still there now and that's why I'm writing this.
Let me mention one shitty thing a friend did to me: I was head over heals for this guy. We dated but it didn't work out, but I was still so in love with him and we were on the newspaper staff together. Well I made a new friend that year, and I was so excited because I really liked hanging out with her and I was desperate for a friend that wasn't a narcissist. I poured my heart out to her one day about my ex; I cried and everything. I told her things that happened with him that I never told anybody else. Guess what happened a week later? She was dating him. I know it seems silly now because it was in high school, but shamefully I'll admit that I still have some feelings for this guy. It was something really serious for me.
When graduation was approaching, I had acceptance offers from many schools. My dad was given an assignment in Tampa, Fl, so I applied for schools in my state as well as Florida. I really wanted to stay in state. One, because of tuition, and also because the state had offered me a full ride scholarship to pretty much any school in the state. This was my logic and the conclusion I came to on my own.
Well then my dad stepped in with his insight, telling me that if I don't move to Florida then SC won't give me in state tuition because I won't have an address because my parents moved. I knew this was crazy and I argued with him repeatedly about this until I finally conceded on Florida, where I had no scholarship and had to take out student loans, which my dad paid for for the first two years. Well after that, he decided that he wanted to let me use his GI bill (the air force pays for schooling and housing). His original plan for me was to go to vet school, but he told me recently that my train derailed at some point. Now he bitches about the fact that I used up his GI bill, but I could have had a free ride if he hadn't manipulated me into moving to Florida! If I resent my father for anything, it is this. I could have had a totally different life if my dad hadn't been by my side whispering manipulative words into my ear. I'm not where I want to be at in life, and I could easily blame my father..
Our relationship has gotten better since there is distance between us now, but our relationship is so strained, and he makes it that way! Whenever I hang out with him, I just want to have a nice conversation you know. Maybe learn about what he's been up to or how the dogs are, but he always makes everything political and makes it into a lesson. It makes it impossible to have a nice conversation. I usually just clam up when he's done with his rant because it makes me uncomfortable. Then, when I talk to him on the phone, he mopes about how I don't ever call him because I don't like him, and he says it like it's a fact. What am I supposed to say to that? He also complains to my mom that I don't like him. I've tried to spend time with him, but like I said, it turns political every time. And I don't mean government political (not every time anyway), but I will bring up a topic like how I've lost weight, and he will go on about obesity and the problem with America and society with the availability of junk food. I don't want to hear about that from my dad when I'm trying to spend time with him.
Anyway, all of this crap I feel like has culminated into the person I am today. I am on meds now, and my anxiety and depression are a lot better, but I do have breakthrough moments, and I am going through a bout of depression right now. My boyfriend is the greatest at understanding what I go through and being supportive. He has helped me push past my issues with my parents and he has helped me tackle my anxiety head-on.
I appreciate this site and this forum for my story. I've never talked to anyone about this stuff except for my boyfriend. It's a lot but I needed to get it out. Thank you whoever reads the whole thing :)
