rustednails
New Here
27F Here. I have been suffering for a very long time with a lot of different issues. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was probably 13, Depression at 14, Major Depressive Disorder at 15, had anxiety attacks, was extremely depressed, had breaks from it since adulthood but started depression treatment again about a year ago and was just diagnosed with PTSD about a month ago.
I was raised in a different environment- my mother (T) had me when she was either 17 about to be 18 or 16 about to be 17, don't quite remember. From what my mother has said, she tried to hide being pregnant for some time but when her dad found out, she was kicked out and moved in with my great grandmother as her mother had passed when she was younger (early teens). We both lived there for quite sometime and I was officially adopted by my great grandmother and step great grandfather when I was 2. These are two that I have always seen as my parents.
My memory is fuzzy, but I was the one to discover my dad passed when I was only 5 or 6. My two memories of him- trying to wake him up, seeing him in that casket. I love him and think about everything he has done for me and my mother a lot. I've always spent the weekends with T. I always knew she was my mom and had a weekend relationship with her, but from everything I can remember, I never got any "talks". My mother is elderly and was when I was a child too. So, I can't remember the talks-sex talk, shaving legs, period- any of that. I always missed out on things I wanted to be a part of- girl scouts, sports, dances, homecoming, football games....meaning T never really stepped up to the plate enough, even if she lived in the same town as me I was lacking the social exposure I needed to my age group as well as the talks. Due to not having communication on girl stuff, I was very embarrassed when it came down to shaving, periods, boyfriends. T's husband has been around since I was pretty much born and has always been a scary guy. I remember getting spankings that really hurt and being scared of waking him up etc when I was little. I remember he teased me one day about my hairy legs (before I shaved), I remember waiting for someone to buy me the proper hygiene products for these things (another family member- not even T). My boyfriend situation has always been weird as I always felt a need to hide it from my family and a sort of guilt for it since I never got talks. I remember one time my mom thought my behavior was odd so she asked me if I got my period. I remember I was around that age and just said "what?" and I was so confused by what she meant. So T has been lacking in the mom dept. knowing that my mom couldn't fully do everything I possibly needed.
When I was a teen, not having any outlets or social life really caused some issues. I got pretty depressed and was constantly inside on the computer or on the phone with friends. I got on antidepressants. I went to therapy. Never once did T try to talk to me about this, about going or anything like that. After I was about 15 she asked if I wanted her to get custody but she is NOT responsible so after spending every weekend with her and constantly seeing her financial issues...getting behind, being unhealthy etc and I was comfortable so I said no. I also had my first "real" boyfriend. When I say real I mean a real connection emotionally. We were both struggling with issues and became best friends. While I had a line I did not cross, we did do basic things as far as physical contact goes. I was on meds and not doing well in school when I have an aunt visit.
I get called out of class and into a meeting with my mom, her daughter (my great aunt technically speaking) and my school counselor who I'd been meeting with every week or so (on top of 2x wk therapy and 1x month psychiatrist appt.) basically..."they" meaning my aunt and counselor decided it might be a good idea for me to "get away" and take some space from my mom and go to my aunts house (maybe 2 hrs away) for the WEEKEND. I get checked out of school and go. The "weekend" turns to a FULL MONTH. I had a few panic attacks due to this and was told different excuses like "I am too busy to take you back this weekend, I'll do it next" then "I don't think you're well enough to go home" and more. I had my life managed- phone time, internet time, etc. when I had been in my own home it was a lot more independent and laid back. My aunt at one point refused to let me call my boyfriend. He was freaking out, had no idea what was going on and was very worried because he knew me well enough to know that I was unstable in the situation I was in. She finally did but that was a really rough month. Finally, I had enough and told them that if she really thought I was not well enough to go home I wanted to go to the psych ward for a 72 hr hold to see what they thought. She scheduled an appt with my therapist.
Looking back on that meeting, the therapist was very concerned and worried about this situation. She told me she was sorry I went through that and it wasn't right and she would talk with them. After that meeting, I was home but that relationship has always been strained because of this. Upon returning to school, I got scolded by teachers who were supposed to be emailed by my counselor. I had them looking at me and talking to me like I just started picking up drugs or something. The stress from everything including the missed work was too overwhelming and my mom told me she was going to take me out of school. Shortly after, my insurance benefits ran out for therapy and my mom decided that she would also, stop taking me to therapy and that I would stop taking my meds. I had severe withdrawal symptoms from instantly stopping an increased dosage of my meds. She realized the mistake, I was weened off and I was taken out of school, got my GED within a few weeks while scoring at a senior level on my test scores. I knew the work, just could never get it done. I moved in with another aunt temporarily, got a job, however never got my license because my mom could never teach me and no one stepped in enough. Once again, no T.
Age 18, I had a job my mom took me too and I had a new serious boyfriend. She found out I was sexually active and due to her being old and old fashioned, she took my doors off, threatened me, told me he better not come back, screwed the windows shut etc. I moved out because my boyfriend offered, I was young and wanted more freedom. It ended up being a physically and sexually abusive relationship. I had another guy that was my friend and interested and he helped me get out of the situation by me getting some things with him and letting me crash for a bit. T did step in a little bit and I moved in with her, her husband and my half sister (his daughter).
The room I moved into was trashed...there was stuff everywhere and basically in the six months (at least) that we were in that house, I had enough room to walk to my bed and sleep and enough room in the closet to hang up some clothes. I was exposed to T- cheating on her husband with his family member, telling me about her cheating on him the year previous, doing drugs. We moved into another home where I was more comfortable and actually had a nice sized room but there was still T. When my sister and I would get close, she would try to wedge between us by lying and manipulating us and turning us against each other. She would also constantly lie, hide money from her husband. She had her husbands family members abortion. About 6-8 months later, I was pregnant requesting her to keep a secret and assist me in getting my own.
She told everyone. I got offered some help...by an aunt (once again, T is disappointing) and at one point sat across the table from T and her husband and actually had him give me the "this is wrong, you did the deed now you take care of the responsibility" while she sat next to him, remaining silent. I lost it due to who knows exactly what but I did save that money. The experience was pretty bad. T would not leave me alone and was constantly pressuring me. I got pressure from her and her husband in the "well you might change your mind" and "well, take this medicine because this medicine is harmful for the baby...if you decide to have it" the whole time and when I lost it she ignored my requests to be in the room and getting the ultrasound by myself. Every once in awhile, she would also have this really bad mood- like she was PMSing but she wasn't. she would bully me and my sister. One day when no one was around, she ended up getting aggressive with me and actually pushed me. I threatened to call the cops because of that but she was so in my face I didn't. I called my current partner (the same one who helped me out of my abusive relationship). He helped me move out within two hours. Within 10 minutes of us leaving her house, I got angry messages from an aunt going off on me and my boyfriend. Asking who he and I think we are talking to her niece that way. Looking back, I was already in a traumatizing situation and she was adding fuel to the fire.
That was about 5-6 yrs ago. My partner has been the one to come to my rescue a lot. He has been through my side and seen my worst and best. He knows alot about everything I've been through with my family and life and has helped me with rides and trying to be functional. He has also strayed before which did damage but we have finally grown past it. I went through a period where I was okay but a few years ago I started struggling, finally seeked help a year ago. Got started on antidepressants and after expressing my mood swings and extreme irritability (which haven't always been around) I was recommended to have an eval. I finally got it done about a month ago.
Throughout the years, I have done research, I have questioned if I have BPD, Bipolar, Depression...but PTSD never really crossed my mind. It did once after a nightmare but I doubted it. I started therapy sessions maybe 3-5 months ago and heard "trauma" a lot. I started opening up and then got the PTSD diagnosis. After telling my partner we were both sort of speechless. A sort of "Oh.....well....that does kind of make sense" thing. I've done reflecting on my life and realized all of my story...it's basically trauma after trauma after trauma. On top of all of it, I've been keeping all of T's secrets. I've always felt if it's not mine, it's not mine to tell.
TLDR;
Adopted by great grandmother, emotionally neglected by mother, socially confined, held against my will by aunt with permission by adopted mom, betrayed by biological mother. No contact with her, limited contact with family due to feeling of judgement/out of place. Anyways, I still struggle with my family. I'm in treatment of talk therapy and meds. I've recently (this week) ran into a confrontation by my aunt. I am living in my great grandmothers home (she cannot live there as she needs someone nearby) with partner and got chewed out for not keeping up with yard work. I do understand her being upset but I really got chewed out when a week before she played the "are you okay? i know you're going to dr's a lot..." card. I feel like she was pretending to care as before even getting a response, I got chewed out for something. Usually, I stray from confrontation and would just say "Okay, we'll get it done" but treatment is a process. I feel like everyday I'm wondering if my mind is hiding a darker trauma from me. I've thought about the boys in grade school, in middle school touching my ass and legs...i couldn't have understood. I started...exploring myself at a younger age and really worry there's a reason for that. I'm trying to communicate better...with the advice of my therapist. She told me that people have boundaries and limitations and I need to have my feelings validated. It's nice to have someone listen and not judge. Back to my aunt. I decided to take the advise to express feelings and boundaries and while I tried my hardest to be stern yet not aggressive, I emailed her back. I told her I felt her email was aggressive and just let it out- the way I feel judged by my family and uncomfortable around them, about her pretending to care in the previous email and then chewing me out in the next one. We have exchanged a few emails however her instant response and first sentence was "WOW" and then accusing my partner of writing the email. My partner knows how I feel and hates to upset me more about my family issues so he has never talked to them about anything and at the very most says "your family is really shitty" I wrote her back explaining she was invalidating my feelings and in disrespecting my partner, the one who has helped me so much, she is disrespecting my lifestyle, life and myself. I also explained that her invalidating my feelings and using them and my words as an attack against my partner is possibly the reason why I do not express myself. I also mentioned T being a liar and challenging me to a fight while she was kicking me out and less than an hr before calling up my aunt crying about it. I guess I am really struggling with all this. I have been socially withdrawn and only have a few newer friends, my boyfriend and therapist. PTSD is new to me and I'm just looking for a place where I can get some feedback from other suffers as well as enlightenment and just a place to vent. sorry about the wall of text, guys. And thank you for reading.
I was raised in a different environment- my mother (T) had me when she was either 17 about to be 18 or 16 about to be 17, don't quite remember. From what my mother has said, she tried to hide being pregnant for some time but when her dad found out, she was kicked out and moved in with my great grandmother as her mother had passed when she was younger (early teens). We both lived there for quite sometime and I was officially adopted by my great grandmother and step great grandfather when I was 2. These are two that I have always seen as my parents.
My memory is fuzzy, but I was the one to discover my dad passed when I was only 5 or 6. My two memories of him- trying to wake him up, seeing him in that casket. I love him and think about everything he has done for me and my mother a lot. I've always spent the weekends with T. I always knew she was my mom and had a weekend relationship with her, but from everything I can remember, I never got any "talks". My mother is elderly and was when I was a child too. So, I can't remember the talks-sex talk, shaving legs, period- any of that. I always missed out on things I wanted to be a part of- girl scouts, sports, dances, homecoming, football games....meaning T never really stepped up to the plate enough, even if she lived in the same town as me I was lacking the social exposure I needed to my age group as well as the talks. Due to not having communication on girl stuff, I was very embarrassed when it came down to shaving, periods, boyfriends. T's husband has been around since I was pretty much born and has always been a scary guy. I remember getting spankings that really hurt and being scared of waking him up etc when I was little. I remember he teased me one day about my hairy legs (before I shaved), I remember waiting for someone to buy me the proper hygiene products for these things (another family member- not even T). My boyfriend situation has always been weird as I always felt a need to hide it from my family and a sort of guilt for it since I never got talks. I remember one time my mom thought my behavior was odd so she asked me if I got my period. I remember I was around that age and just said "what?" and I was so confused by what she meant. So T has been lacking in the mom dept. knowing that my mom couldn't fully do everything I possibly needed.
When I was a teen, not having any outlets or social life really caused some issues. I got pretty depressed and was constantly inside on the computer or on the phone with friends. I got on antidepressants. I went to therapy. Never once did T try to talk to me about this, about going or anything like that. After I was about 15 she asked if I wanted her to get custody but she is NOT responsible so after spending every weekend with her and constantly seeing her financial issues...getting behind, being unhealthy etc and I was comfortable so I said no. I also had my first "real" boyfriend. When I say real I mean a real connection emotionally. We were both struggling with issues and became best friends. While I had a line I did not cross, we did do basic things as far as physical contact goes. I was on meds and not doing well in school when I have an aunt visit.
I get called out of class and into a meeting with my mom, her daughter (my great aunt technically speaking) and my school counselor who I'd been meeting with every week or so (on top of 2x wk therapy and 1x month psychiatrist appt.) basically..."they" meaning my aunt and counselor decided it might be a good idea for me to "get away" and take some space from my mom and go to my aunts house (maybe 2 hrs away) for the WEEKEND. I get checked out of school and go. The "weekend" turns to a FULL MONTH. I had a few panic attacks due to this and was told different excuses like "I am too busy to take you back this weekend, I'll do it next" then "I don't think you're well enough to go home" and more. I had my life managed- phone time, internet time, etc. when I had been in my own home it was a lot more independent and laid back. My aunt at one point refused to let me call my boyfriend. He was freaking out, had no idea what was going on and was very worried because he knew me well enough to know that I was unstable in the situation I was in. She finally did but that was a really rough month. Finally, I had enough and told them that if she really thought I was not well enough to go home I wanted to go to the psych ward for a 72 hr hold to see what they thought. She scheduled an appt with my therapist.
Looking back on that meeting, the therapist was very concerned and worried about this situation. She told me she was sorry I went through that and it wasn't right and she would talk with them. After that meeting, I was home but that relationship has always been strained because of this. Upon returning to school, I got scolded by teachers who were supposed to be emailed by my counselor. I had them looking at me and talking to me like I just started picking up drugs or something. The stress from everything including the missed work was too overwhelming and my mom told me she was going to take me out of school. Shortly after, my insurance benefits ran out for therapy and my mom decided that she would also, stop taking me to therapy and that I would stop taking my meds. I had severe withdrawal symptoms from instantly stopping an increased dosage of my meds. She realized the mistake, I was weened off and I was taken out of school, got my GED within a few weeks while scoring at a senior level on my test scores. I knew the work, just could never get it done. I moved in with another aunt temporarily, got a job, however never got my license because my mom could never teach me and no one stepped in enough. Once again, no T.
Age 18, I had a job my mom took me too and I had a new serious boyfriend. She found out I was sexually active and due to her being old and old fashioned, she took my doors off, threatened me, told me he better not come back, screwed the windows shut etc. I moved out because my boyfriend offered, I was young and wanted more freedom. It ended up being a physically and sexually abusive relationship. I had another guy that was my friend and interested and he helped me get out of the situation by me getting some things with him and letting me crash for a bit. T did step in a little bit and I moved in with her, her husband and my half sister (his daughter).
The room I moved into was trashed...there was stuff everywhere and basically in the six months (at least) that we were in that house, I had enough room to walk to my bed and sleep and enough room in the closet to hang up some clothes. I was exposed to T- cheating on her husband with his family member, telling me about her cheating on him the year previous, doing drugs. We moved into another home where I was more comfortable and actually had a nice sized room but there was still T. When my sister and I would get close, she would try to wedge between us by lying and manipulating us and turning us against each other. She would also constantly lie, hide money from her husband. She had her husbands family members abortion. About 6-8 months later, I was pregnant requesting her to keep a secret and assist me in getting my own.
She told everyone. I got offered some help...by an aunt (once again, T is disappointing) and at one point sat across the table from T and her husband and actually had him give me the "this is wrong, you did the deed now you take care of the responsibility" while she sat next to him, remaining silent. I lost it due to who knows exactly what but I did save that money. The experience was pretty bad. T would not leave me alone and was constantly pressuring me. I got pressure from her and her husband in the "well you might change your mind" and "well, take this medicine because this medicine is harmful for the baby...if you decide to have it" the whole time and when I lost it she ignored my requests to be in the room and getting the ultrasound by myself. Every once in awhile, she would also have this really bad mood- like she was PMSing but she wasn't. she would bully me and my sister. One day when no one was around, she ended up getting aggressive with me and actually pushed me. I threatened to call the cops because of that but she was so in my face I didn't. I called my current partner (the same one who helped me out of my abusive relationship). He helped me move out within two hours. Within 10 minutes of us leaving her house, I got angry messages from an aunt going off on me and my boyfriend. Asking who he and I think we are talking to her niece that way. Looking back, I was already in a traumatizing situation and she was adding fuel to the fire.
That was about 5-6 yrs ago. My partner has been the one to come to my rescue a lot. He has been through my side and seen my worst and best. He knows alot about everything I've been through with my family and life and has helped me with rides and trying to be functional. He has also strayed before which did damage but we have finally grown past it. I went through a period where I was okay but a few years ago I started struggling, finally seeked help a year ago. Got started on antidepressants and after expressing my mood swings and extreme irritability (which haven't always been around) I was recommended to have an eval. I finally got it done about a month ago.
Throughout the years, I have done research, I have questioned if I have BPD, Bipolar, Depression...but PTSD never really crossed my mind. It did once after a nightmare but I doubted it. I started therapy sessions maybe 3-5 months ago and heard "trauma" a lot. I started opening up and then got the PTSD diagnosis. After telling my partner we were both sort of speechless. A sort of "Oh.....well....that does kind of make sense" thing. I've done reflecting on my life and realized all of my story...it's basically trauma after trauma after trauma. On top of all of it, I've been keeping all of T's secrets. I've always felt if it's not mine, it's not mine to tell.
TLDR;
Adopted by great grandmother, emotionally neglected by mother, socially confined, held against my will by aunt with permission by adopted mom, betrayed by biological mother. No contact with her, limited contact with family due to feeling of judgement/out of place. Anyways, I still struggle with my family. I'm in treatment of talk therapy and meds. I've recently (this week) ran into a confrontation by my aunt. I am living in my great grandmothers home (she cannot live there as she needs someone nearby) with partner and got chewed out for not keeping up with yard work. I do understand her being upset but I really got chewed out when a week before she played the "are you okay? i know you're going to dr's a lot..." card. I feel like she was pretending to care as before even getting a response, I got chewed out for something. Usually, I stray from confrontation and would just say "Okay, we'll get it done" but treatment is a process. I feel like everyday I'm wondering if my mind is hiding a darker trauma from me. I've thought about the boys in grade school, in middle school touching my ass and legs...i couldn't have understood. I started...exploring myself at a younger age and really worry there's a reason for that. I'm trying to communicate better...with the advice of my therapist. She told me that people have boundaries and limitations and I need to have my feelings validated. It's nice to have someone listen and not judge. Back to my aunt. I decided to take the advise to express feelings and boundaries and while I tried my hardest to be stern yet not aggressive, I emailed her back. I told her I felt her email was aggressive and just let it out- the way I feel judged by my family and uncomfortable around them, about her pretending to care in the previous email and then chewing me out in the next one. We have exchanged a few emails however her instant response and first sentence was "WOW" and then accusing my partner of writing the email. My partner knows how I feel and hates to upset me more about my family issues so he has never talked to them about anything and at the very most says "your family is really shitty" I wrote her back explaining she was invalidating my feelings and in disrespecting my partner, the one who has helped me so much, she is disrespecting my lifestyle, life and myself. I also explained that her invalidating my feelings and using them and my words as an attack against my partner is possibly the reason why I do not express myself. I also mentioned T being a liar and challenging me to a fight while she was kicking me out and less than an hr before calling up my aunt crying about it. I guess I am really struggling with all this. I have been socially withdrawn and only have a few newer friends, my boyfriend and therapist. PTSD is new to me and I'm just looking for a place where I can get some feedback from other suffers as well as enlightenment and just a place to vent. sorry about the wall of text, guys. And thank you for reading.
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