My T Doesn't Get This, And Neither Do I

[Cuolala]

In the last year I have come on leaps and bounds. I don't get flashbacks, I don't self harm for the last few months, I got through suicidal thoughts, I've improved how I relate to people. I socialise. I am less numb.

Now, last week my T asked me to reflect on how far I have come in the last year. I don't know why, I got really upset. I can't cry (haven't in a long time) but I came close. I went completely mute for 15-20 mins.

We are both confused. He says normally when he asks that question to a client, and they reflect on their positive progress - they are positive. And me, when I look back to reflect on the progress I've made in the last year (In his words "amazing") I feel just really really upset.

 

[Ebo]

My T said something interesting today. That the feeling of goodness and safety might be a trigger because in the past, it never lasted long and the first slap is the most painful. There might be some truth to that. Makes it real hard to really believe that there might be progress. If there is progress, there's more to lose.

 

[Vace]

I think Ebo might just be onto something.

 

[Ateg]

Another thing that comes to mind is are you afraid that feeling better means you'll have to make new choices about your life? Having PTSD or any other condition can become a sort of identity. We're so busy surviving that we set the rest of life aside. Letting go of the identity of a person with a condition opens up all kinds of questions about where life is going now.

 

[Boloz]

Most of us reflect on how far we've come? I sort of doubt that!

 

[Ezi]

@Ateg, you certainly make a very good point. Moving forward and becoming yourself means giving up your so-called old/false self. It is something scary and unknown.
@Cuolala, what I never like is when a therapist talks in terms of how other patients usually would respond. This creates expectations in both of you which is not very helpful. Making comparisons between patients can sometimes be supportive, but in this case not as you did not live up to the expectations the therapist had. Maybe you even felt that expectation, when you were asked the question? Facial expression therapist? Expectations are deadly, and maybe you went mute for that reason. I know I would. Even the question itself to have you reflect, I dislike, just from the gut. Just an idea.

 

[Lafi]

@Ezi I wrote the above reply, and have no clue why it is not with my name.

@Ateg, you certainly make a very good point. Moving forward and becoming yourself means giving up your so-called old/false self. It is something scary and unknown.
@Cuolala, what I never like is when a therapist talks in terms of how other patients usually would respond. This creates expectations in both of you which is not very helpful. Making comparisons between patients can sometimes be supportive, but in this case not as you did not live up to the expectations the therapist had. Maybe you even felt that expectation, when you were asked the question? Facial expression therapist? Expectations are deadly, and maybe you went mute for that reason. I know I would. Even the question itself to have you reflect, I dislike, just from the gut. Just an idea.

 

[Apej]

Hello I am Born to Run and trying to post a message, that is twice up here now, but it comes up with anonymous people's names and not with my name. I will try once more.

@Ateg, you certainly make a very good point. Moving forward and becoming yourself means giving up your so-called old/false self. It is something scary and unknown.
@Cuolala, what I never like is when a therapist talks in terms of how other patients usually would respond. This creates expectations in both of you which is not very helpful. Making comparisons between patients can sometimes be supportive, but in this case not as you did not live up to the expectations the therapist had. Maybe you even felt that expectation, when you were asked the question? Facial expression therapist? Expectations are deadly, and maybe you went mute for that reason. I know I would. Even the question itself to have you reflect, I dislike, just from the gut. Just an idea.

 

[Ije]

This is the anonymous forum....It makes anyone posting in it anonymous, so it won't show your real name.

 

[Dilocut]

I'm shocked at how many OLD members have no clue that the Anon forum exists..... Seems to happen at least once a week now.

 

[Wuvec]

I also agree with Ebo...and just a question too...did it feel invalidating to current struggles? Sometimes I feel that way....I have to have a balance between looking and acknowledging how far I have come, but also honor and acknowledge what is still a struggle and that it sucks

 

[Ogat]

I think it could mean there is more stuff that needs to come up.

For me, progress is a sore subject because I doubt that I could live long enough to progress enough to where it would really matter to me. Whenever I see my progress, in anything, all I see is what I can't do and how I'll never even have a shot at any kind of a normal life. I was not born for that. I was born for a hard life and that's what I have. For years, I thought I could earn my way out of this jail cell, and I now see no way out. It's like thinking I'm out, and then there is always more flashbacks to new material. I have too much trauma?

I just know that for me, the above reaction is my way of telling myself, you have too much more to go to start to celebrate yet. But then, other days, I have to admit that by some kind of standard, I'm probably doing really well compared to most people who had the childhood I had, even compared to my siblings. I don't know, really, it's just a form of the depression, isn't it?