You guys will be glad to know that I was a good PTSD'er last night.
I asked my daughter if I could get serious for a moment and she said "NO", but being the dumb ass I am, I said "alright, but I just have 2 words to say and that will be it. As she sat there looking at me somewhat miffed, I said "I'm Sorry"! That was it. We then went to something completely of subject and all is OK.
I simply had to do it. A very long time ago when she first cut me out of her life, she was still speaking to her Grama--which at the time I did not know. Later Mom told me a few things that my daughter had said in one of their talks. The "1" thing I remember of what Mom told me was how I had never told my daughter that I was sorry for all the things that I had done.
Because of that, I had to say it. I will not ever be sorry or apologize to any one for saying it either. "I" felt like it was the "elephant" in the room. All be it MY elephant, it was still there.
Our visit has been low key and the baby has been very good until yesterday. She is now teething and boy is she grumpy. We are going this afternoon to try and get a good 4 generation photo taken. Just hope she does not cry to much. But really, does it even matter. This IS going to be the only chance we are going to have and we all know it. Traveling with this baby is difficult on my daughter and with the great grama being 84 years old, well, need I say more?
I am beginning to feel the stress building up in me. We are having just a little trouble with conversation and topics. After all, we are in a manner of speaking, strangers! So I have just been asking questions. Questions about her hubby, house, her father, her job, anything I can think of. I was making references to her when she was a baby but that seemed to bristle her somewhat so I quit that after the 1st day. I play with the baby and ask questions.
Last night they came down to my apartment and we all had dinner with Great Grama and her parakeet. The baby was mesmerized by the bird. I wanted to get the bird to come out of his cage but he would not come out any further than his open door but the baby could see him and she giggled and screamed at him and laughed and thoroughly enjoy him. Now I keep telling my daughter, Well, you are just gonna have to get this baby a bird
There is still tension in the room when we are together, but it is OK. I expected it. And it just may be MY tension. But my daughter has told me all about her pregnancy, the birth, the health issues they went through with the baby, and what her life is like now.
We have even discussed how scared she is that she will not be a good parent because she did not have a good role model(me) and that is OK. It is the truth. But I have told her she is already a good mommy and boy is she ever a good mommy to the baby. I am so very impressed and have told her so more than once. I've also told her how proud I am of her for everything she has done with her life and what a good job she is doing with the baby.
I've slipped up a few times and converted the conversation to "ME" but caught myself and quickly changed to the baby or my kid. You guys would be very proud of me and the control I have shown and the sensitivity I have had. I've been a good mom this time, I think.
