My Therapist Cares And Accepts Me And Now I Want To Quit!

[Justmehere]

I have done some therapy around ways to cope with my symptoms and how to have good boundaries. A lot of problems in my life are over or are getting better. After a break from doing any therapy, I am going to a new therapist who specializes in PTSD. I told her at the first appointment I have a fear almost a phobia of doctors and therapists.

I am really confused about therapy. I was assaulted by a therapist as an adult. I was molested as a child by family member who was a doctor. I don't expect anyone to believe me. So I have never talked about it.

Until now.

I blurted out to the counselor last week during a phone session (all our other appointments have been in person) two weeks ago what happened. I asked her... What if this happened? And then told her and she said she is still ok with trying to work with me.

We had an appointment last week and she encouraged me to continue the work we were doing to deal with my fear of doctors. We didn't talk about what I shared, I didn't want to go there, but just worked on what we had been doing. She really was ok with me and ok with continuing to work up to processing the trauma even when it includes that trauma.

And she really cares.

And now that I feel slightly cared and accepted by her, I want to quit.

I feel lots of tension and fear and deep longing.

Somehow, it all makes me want to quit.

Any ideas what is going on with me? I don't think I have the courage to tell therapist. I keep thinking she should hate me. I don't know why.

 

[Life_in_the_Mist]

I think I can relate to your post.

When I have told therapists secrets and they have accepted me with caring, it creates in me such a strong feeling of closeness and gratitude towards them that I actually feel threatened by the idea of being that close to someone.

I have rejected therapists because the desire to have a real, secret-free relationship is too scary and confusing and intense. Is that similar to what you are saying?

 

[Justmehere]

Life In The Mist - yes, that is very much a part of it! I'm sorry you can relate but so glad I'm not alone. I felt relief and safety and then feeling that close, it made me feel overwhelmed by what I felt. When I asked her if she was ok with me, and she said yes, I then told her I was scared she would suddenly disappear and she reassured me about that. She said she was commited to trying to walk through my trauma with me - even that, the big scary one I have never told anyone about. She wasn't sure she could help, but that she had a lot of hope for me and that she didn't have that with everyone, sometimes she is not so sure, and that she was committed to continuing to try. And we talked about what would happen if I was too much too. That she wouldn't leave me stranded. And she went back to saying but I'm ok with this and ok with you. And she meant it! And it's like... I think it is so much what I want... That it is then somehow too much when it happens. I wanted to push get away, take a break. And now, I'm just confused...

My counselor happens to teach on transference and attachment issues in PTSD clients so from day one, she has very much worked to welcome me to talk about how I feel about her about therapy about everything, no matter how big or small... And even though she teaches other therapists about this, she still has a supervisor - she says all the people in her practice do because doing trauma therapy can be intense no matter how much experience and having others to talk to helps her not "get stuck in traumatic trances." Which somehow makes me feel safer.

I am guessing if I told her about this, she wouldn't freak out, but I feel really stupid and really embarrassed about this. Really ashamed. And she would be really confused.

 

[arfie]

In my own recovery I have gotten those frightened urges to run with every breakthrough. No exceptions. That secret-keeping habit, I think. Sometimes I keep the secrets because I feared the abuser. Far more often I feared disbelief, invalidation and/or rejection.

The rewards I received for over-coming those fears was worth the times I guessed wrong and only made matters worse. I now believe it really is better to trust many and be deceived than to doubt one heart that is true.

But... You are the one with the finger on the pulse of your own recovery. Ya gots the best data for the analysis.

 

[Justmehere]

Arfie - I can so relate to what your write. I am so scared of the reality of what I have gone through. I don't even care much if she believes me, I so scared of what happened being true (and it is, I have the reports of it). I like what you said about trusting many and be deceived instead of doubting the one heart that is true. I tend to error on the other end of the spectrum and trust no one. And I want to run and hide from the therapist, from the truth of what happened to me and that this road leads to dealing with what happened. I want her care and acceptance so bad and I also hate it. Because I know I will care even more if she believes me or not, if she really cares or not. If she hated me, this would not feel so risky. Which seems logically backwards... but now it's like wait, there is something to lose here, that I don't want to lose: her care and acceptance of me.

 

[Life_in_the_Mist]

Justmehere, I want us both to be able to tell our therapists these things and somehow not feel "stupid" "ashamed." In my case my secret is truly stupid and weird, so I have no confidence. I think the key with the revealing and the key with the attachment is to go slow...

 

[Laurajayne27]

Disclosure of trauma is a massive risk,it leaves you feeling vulnerable.
these feelings are intense. I have experienced first hand this dilemma. Should I run in fear because she believes me, she validates me? Absolutely not.... I thought my trauma was to big to 'give' to somebody else. I say give because that's how it feels to offload a secret that has been kept for 10 years in my case. I told her that I feel I'm becoming to much for her to which she replied 'you are never to much, but it sounds as thought what your feeling is to much'.bingo!!

Therapist's are trained to cut themselves off from you when they leave the office.

Being scared they are going to abandon you or not believe you are all common reactions or so my therapist told me.

I expressed all my fears with my therapist as I thought; why not I've told her everything else what could possibly go wrong. Its sounds to me like you are feeling you don't deserve to be accepted or nurtured?

Don't feel stupid it's a completely natural reaction to therapy/disclosure. The vulnerability gets easier to deal with as your relationship strengthens with trust. At least it did with me.

I hope you find the strength to work through this issue.

 

[DMerish]

And now that I feel slightly cared and accepted by her, I want to quit. I feel lots of tension and fear and deep longing. Somehow, it all makes me want to quit.

It makes perfect sense to me, and I say that seriously. Feeling cared and accepted by someone is different than your past experiences; therefore, its rather foreign - different than what you're used to, which prompts the combination of tension/anxiety, of longing (for real self-acceptance of yourself and to love and be loved by others). Sometimes the shift will prompt someone to feel extreme stress responses that causes them the flight/fight response. When that happens, then the person feels wholly justified in severing the therapeutic relationship.

It's really good that you've conscious of things shifting in you and it sounds like you've got a decent therapist this time. Hang in there, take good care of yourself and relax as much as you can so you're able to continue processing.

Good luck,
Drew

 

[Tinyflame]

I can't say exactly from a conventional therapy exposure but I can say I find disclosure devastating. I experience extreme self-hatred, really. But yet I would 'like' @arfie 's post #4 1000 times. But shame feels worse shared, almost toxic or contagious. Being disbelieved, or having it invalidated I can expect, but when it isn't on one level it makes it worse. Because it makes it real. I mean it makes what has occurred (the past experiences) real.

Plus I was taught if it's even 5 minutes over it's not relevant, or whining. I believe it does have to do with "don't talk". And the more one reveals the more spectacularly (I) feel like I'm screwing up. Though if one finds out they are not all to blame and such it's a Big Relief.

But I have had a really really strange life, I have met people on such opposite ends of the spectrum. The cruelest and the kindest. I never really deserved what either gave.

I think in answer to your question it's normal. Keep going and peace to you. :hug:

 

[Pencil]

I feel lots of tension and fear and deep longing.

I relate totally - to the extent that I can't be in therapy.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm not great at summarizing things but I really have been so encouraged by everyone's support and responses and wanted to tell you all thank you. This process is so... lonely... I don't really know anyone in person that I can communicate this to, and they would be able to relate. I don't know other people in therapy or struggling with PTSD offline, so I am glad to have found this forum. It is so helpful to know that others deal with this too.

Life in the Mist – I want us to both be able to tell our secrets too, and I think you are right about pacing out the process of being more and more vulnerable. It reminds me of learning how to swim, and starting off in the shallow end of the pool instead of jumping right into the deep end.

Laurajayne – I love what your therapist said about that you are not too much, the feelings are. I don’t feel like I deserve support or nurturing, and when it comes, it feels really bad. Scary. I’m glad to hear that the scary process of being vulnerable became easier for you. Trust is so key, and mine has been trashed so many times. Makes me glad for a therapist who knows I am not going to trust her right away. Thanks for the encouragement and support.

Drew – Yeah, this therapist, she seems to know her stuff and how PTSD screws up relationships really well. I’m not sure she is the right therapist for me, but I am relieved to be working with her. It does trigger a lot of fight/flight responses to be closer to her, more connected about risky vulnerable things and I want support… it’s so confusing!

Plus I was taught if it's even 5 minutes over it's not relevant, or whining. I believe it does have to do with "don't talk". And the more one reveals the more spectacularly (I) feel like I'm screwing up. Though if one finds out they are not all to blame and such it's a Big Relief.

But I have had a really really strange life, I have met people on such opposite ends of the spectrum. The cruelest and the kindest. I never really deserved what either gave.

I think in answer to your question it's normal. Keep going and peace to you. :hug:

I can so relate to what you wrote here. All this stuff was supposed to be something I just pulled myself through on my own... and I have experienced some of the best and worst of what humans can do.

Pencil - It is so tough. *hug* I often wonder if I can really do this and I had to stop therapy for a long time because it would stir up too much for me to even do an initial intake session. I hope for healing for us both, whatever way it can come.

 

[Justmehere]

I told her and it went great! It was really hard to tell her, but she was very unsurprised. Apparently, it was kind of already obvious to her. She was glad I told her and said she hopes I don't quit and explained that this will change in time. She started talking about my family and how it makes sense that I would find kindness and closeness really hard.

I'm so baffled. I have felt this before with old therapists but didn't say it, and they didn't know how to handle it or be... Having a therapist that is ok with dealing with traumatic transference and attachment and invites talking about the relationship with her from the first appointment is so different for me...

It also made me glad for all the years spent learning coping skills with the other therapists I have seen in the past - I had to use several of them just to face this...

I have a long ways to go to heal. I hope it is possible.