My Therapist Prescribed Me Solitude And A Notebook

[Rosalia]

Like most (but probably all) of the people on this site, I'm an incredibly lonely person. I used men and sex as medication and while I was lucky enough to not catch anything, I constantly retraumatized myself every time the newest man failed to save me from myself. The latest failure was the hardest, because I truly feel as though I had finally found someone who fully understood me and it ended simply because we lived a little too far away.

My therapist has recommended over and over that I choose to be single, and now that I actually am, I'm struggling pretty badly. I catch myself constantly subconsciously reaching out to men and I have to force myself to stop. I don't have many friends, and the ones that I do have live pretty far away. I used to write music, but stopped because I figured that I was terrible at it. My therapist told me that I should pick it up again. I want to, kinda, but every time I start up again I feel myself hating every word on the paper. Nothing I write could ever turn out how I want it to. I mean, I understand that the point is for me to find my "flow," but it all seems so pointless. Why write lyrics when Bob Dylan exists, you know? I wish my "flow" was something else. Something that wasn't so useless.

I feel bad for not wanting to be alone, which sounds dumb, but I wish I didn't feel so desperately alone all the time. I wish that my brain was enough company for me. I wish I could feel comfortable in my own skin without the validation of someone else's love. I've been seeing this therapist for almost a year and he's helped me more than any other therapist I've ever had so I trust him, but I dunno. Sometimes I could really use a hug.

 

[Leah123]

Hi! Hugs if you want them! (((Rosalia))) I understand affection and sex being tied together, that's how I did it with my husband, very hard to separate the two, to see them as distinct, but some of the things you mention wanting don't seem like you need a date or partner to have. Have you considered making friends through volunteer work, pursuing hobbies, taking a class, joining a support group, or just using Craigslist? I've enjoyed all of the above to a certain extent, and am sure you can find someone to give you a hug and keep you company when you're feeling lonely without sex. There's nothing wrong with wanting affection and comfort: we are human after all, a social species! But you can have a lot of those things without romantic entanglements while you sort out your issues in therapy.

Best of luck finding them, and I hope the forum helps you as it does me, there's a lot of support and good information I've found here.

Also.... screw Dylan. He was one of a kind, as are you. Learn from others, but don't place yourself in anyone's shadow. It's true that music is, like other types of achievement, 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration sometimes. I had to spend years writing before I found much to be proud of, before I felt capable as a writer.

 

[rightkindofme]

I think if I was into the 12 step mindset I would introduce myself as a sex addict. Instead I say that I had a lot of sex. Ha.

I'm a writer. I spend a lot of time alone writing. If you are a song writer... then do that. So what if Bob Dylan is around? I guarantee you that he doesn't address things that are relevant to my life much. You might. I'm kind of ridiculously into P!nk so... I'm not really a Dylan groupie. :) Have you heard of Carsie Blanton? A new/young singer song writer getting going.

The world needs your voice. Truly. There are things left to say and only you can say them.

 

[Hashi]

I agree with the others. I think you need to put some structures in place so you have more activities when on your own and it's not simply a lack of someone else being there.

It sounds like a good idea to build up some regular friends-only contact with others so you don't feel isolated. I think you'll need to be careful doing this if you have a default of gravitating towards men/relationships/sex, but it sounds like you're aware of that so you can work on avoiding it. You can find groups on meetup.com or classes at local centres, based on your interests. (Of course, always need to follow safety rules when meeting new people, like only going to events held in busy public places, not taking lifts/rides from new acquaintances etc.)

Do you think a supportive songwriting group or class - not too ambitious or advanced - might be a good thing?

I've done the creativity workbook The Artist's Way and found it really helpful in getting over feeling my work was too rubbish to be worth doing. The course addresses this a lot. I did it with a group I found on meetup.com and there are also groups advertised on juliacameronlive.com/roundtable. It might be too touchy feely or dated (it's a classic - still very popular), and if that's not for you then some other sort of group or creativity programme might still be an idea.

I also found it helpful to use a dialectical behaviour skills workbook, which encourages - among many other things - having lists of enjoyable activities so you've got that as a go-to when you feel empty, aimless or upset.

I agree with your therapist on the benefits of solitude and a notebook. I'm amazed how much regular journalling has let me be more supportive of myself, and creativity too.

 

[rainy_daze]

I used to write music, but stopped because I figured that I was terrible at it. My therapist told me that I should pick it up again. I want to, kinda, but every time I start up again I feel myself hating every word on the paper. Nothing I write could ever turn out how I want it to. I mean, I understand that the point is for me to find my "flow," but it all seems so pointless.

I spent a lot of time looking and reading the art on this thread Rosalia: Anna

I think writing and expressing yourself in any art form is fantastic, and that sometimes people judge their talents far too harshly. Maybe one day you might feel like sharing on that thread, but for now I hope you can find some inspiration. I write a lot, and sometimes I cringe when I find old notebooks filled with my words, but I think it's therapeutic. It's hard to feel like it's pointless, but maybe give it a try, and keep writing. It might be useful for you, and if it isn't then at least you tried.

I would add more but all the suggestions and supportive replies so far have said it all really. When I saw your post I thought the above thread might help you to see that being creative isn't useless or pointless; it has a purpose and a place in part of healing, and enjoyment as well, in my opinion. I hope you can find things to make you feel less alone and comfortable spending time by yourself.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I struggle with this too about my art. I get so worried about the end product not being "perfect" that I can't even begin, sometimes.

It got better when I began with the only goal of putting my brush into the paint and putting it onto the canvas. That, I could manage.

Keep trying. Scribbling is good. Zen Doodles can be very meditative. My kids are naturally good at them. I am learning to not judge myself during the process, but it is difficult.