Relationship My Vet Won't Talk To Me.

[caligirl03]

I'm frustrated because I can tell when something is off with my vet (such as right now during the holidays-every year like clockwork), and I try my best to be super patient and understanding of him, including giving him plenty of space and telling him that no matter what it is, he can come talk to me without any worry of judgement.

If I ask, he brushes me off with a gruff or unconvincing "I'm fine." I'd much rather hear about anything he's struggling with or any stress going on at work than have him bottle everything up, resulting in him becoming withdrawn or grumpy, or the worst of them all--cause him to lash out. Even if he just tells me he's having an off day without going into detail, I'll respect it and will at least understand.

We've talked about marriage, but how can I have a loving and open relationship with someone that won't talk to me or let me in? How can I get him to understand that I'm safe to talk to, and furthermore, can't play detective as to what's going on in his head? His stories or scars won't scare me off. Him mistreating me or others will.

 

[Myanxietyhasanxiety]

I'm sorry. I can't image how difficult that is on the other end of the spectrum.

I know Im a combat vet. And yes, every single holiday I habe had heightened emotions and went I'm overwhelmed I go blank, space out, and hard to reach.

I can't image how frustrating that must be to you. I know In my head at the time, no matter how safe the person feels, depending on my coping at the time, it's extremely difficult to articulate what is why/why. The insight is not always there. Especially if there are multiple stressors.

Does your vet have any time to seek solitude, be outdoors, alone, quiet time, ect?

I know this has been vital to my healing. It was in those moments I was able to find my words. I wrote, did art therapy, crafts, woodworking, hikinhg, anything to get my mind right..

Your unconditional love and support is so important., but you too have needs. All you can do is express your needs. Let him know what you need from him, that's all you have control over.

Make sure he knows your boundries. That your love is unconditional but we all have a point.

I would make sure you get full eye contact, say is a sweet and loving way, and let him take time to reflect.

Its helpse when my partner sets up a time to meet back up and discuss. But he waits till I'm cooled down and in the right mind frame.

You don't get enough praise! Thank you for what you do in helping your vet. He may not have the words but under that pain and hurt and confusion, he's there.

We all heal in our own time. But remember, you have to take care of you too!

Find something fun, non stressful, to do together. No distractions, find a place that's safe for him. Hopefully with time, love and encouragement he will open up to you.

He's probably already beating hI'm self up, or thinks he is protecting you by not telling you his pain.

 

[Tiffany3]

I'm there with you. My vet told me two weeks ago that he was sick, exhausted, stressed and has his kids (he recently got full custody of them so this is a new, added stressor). That was the last I heard from him aside from a quick text to say he got the xmas package I sent, thanked me, told me he truly appreciates it and that it means a lot to him.

I'm used to talking to him or at least hearing from him everyday, even if it's just a good morning text, so these past two weeks have been especially difficult. I just have to remember that 1. This time of year is hard for many vets; and 2. he's under added stress from recently becoming a full-time single dad while already triggered (it started just before Veteran's Day and has been in a downward spiral since).

You can't force him to talk to you. All you can do is be there, keep learning as much as you can about PTSD, take care of yourself, and remember that it's not personal. Realistically, even with therapy, you have to accept that a relationship with someone who has PTSD is never going to be a like a non-PTSD relationship. "Normal" relationship expectations must be thrown out the window. You ultimately have to decide if you can be in this type of relationship, in its current state (remember it may or may not improve even with therapy), for the rest of your life.

It's a decision I'm continually working on figuring out. For now, I'm just trying to ride out the holidays and see what happens.

 

[Chelle]

You guys are amazing! And I'm sorry that you're having a difficult time with your vet for the holidays. Patience seems to be the key while practicing self care.

I'm so glad I found this forum because I've been going through a similar experience with my ex vet boyfriend. He started about 3 weeks ago or first part of December. Literally one day everything was normal and the next...distance with a few good days a week since. So I'm glad to see that this is a similar experience most ptsd vets have during the holidays. Its been difficult but like you all have said, we must be patient with them.