Hi there, I'm new to these forums, and just wanted to put out my situation. I guess I'm hoping that perhaps others might identify with parts of it and then I won't feel so confused and alone, and maybe someone knows some tips to help me support my partner.
My wife suffers from PTSD due to childhoold physical and emotional abuse, as well as partner abuse. In general, we have a great marriage. However, every now and then something I do will either push her over the edge or trigger her (I'm never sure which). Usually this is something very simple, like a miscommunication.
In general, her immediate reaction is to become quiet and distant, because she doesn't know how to deal with, or often even parse, her own emotions. I've grown accustomed to recognizing this, and I always try to gently engage her in conversation to figure out what is the matter.
She is sometimes reluctant to tell me, incredulous that I wouldn't know about the terrible thing I intentionally did to her. The words she uses to describe the situation are generally very extreme and vague, such as "You treated me with absolutely no respect." At the very least, this does clue me in to the basics of the experience she is going through.
I typically try to use Non-Violent Communication techniques to discuss the issue at hand with her; I try to acknowledge that her feelings and perceptions are valid and real, while at the same time trying to point out that when I said/did the thing, those feelings and perceptions were not the ones I intended for her to receive — I wanted something positive and good for her.
This is so much easier said than done, partially because, as I mentioned before, she attaches a moral value to my actions which implies malicious intent, i.e. - "You treated me like garbage." And when she lashes out at me, I feel the need to not be mislabeled as this bad person, and I try to clarify the situation...but often she sees this as being defensive and caring more about defending myself than her pain. She also often accuses me of trying to force her to replace her perspective with my perspective, or accuses me of gas-lighting her; I am guessing that she is so upset that she either forgets or doesn't hear my explicitly saying that her perspective is valid and important. Sometimes it's hard for me to tell if this is abuse or not, because I know that she feels genuinely threatened and that's why she's lashing out. I get very stressed during these conversations, as I am trying very hard to find the path of words that will make things better, yet keenly aware that I am walking on dangerous eggshells that can make things much worse before they get better.
Sometimes these conversations go better than others. In the worst cases, she can be in this state for several days. Sometimes after talking for awhile, she seems like she is in a place where she has calmed down and recognizes that whatever I said or did had good intentions, and understands that I am genuinely sorry that the result was her feeling so awful. However, sometime within the next hour, I will notice that she is acting reserved, and when I check in on her it seems like she has doubled down on those old feelings, and is more certain than ever that I intentionally harmed her in an inexcusable way.
If we aren't directly talking about the issue when she is in this state, we are both incredibly uncomfortable. I succumb to the fear that any action or lack of action I make might make things worse; for example, if I occupy myself with other things she might get upset because she thinks I have moved on and don't care, but if I engage with her she might get upset because she has already given up on conversation ever making things better and feels like I am pressuring her to do it anyway. During these times I sometimes realize that my breathing is slower and more shallow, as I am subconsciously trying to be invisible.
If she is alone in a room while she is in this state, sometimes she will hit herself repeatedly in order to try to cope. Sometimes she will start to make preparations to go to a hotel because she is so uncomfortable being near me that she just has to get away (she has never actually left though, as the conversations that occur when this happens always result in her staying...somehow).
My wife has a strong distrust of therapists, etc, so it has been very difficult to find ways for her to get better at dealing with her PTSD. Every now and then she will start reading some kind of book aimed at self-help, but they never seem to help her. She did recently visit a therapist for awhile, and I was so proud of her, but eventually it turned out that the therapist wasn't able to make any progress (both she and the therapist agreed on this), so that's over for now.
It's also worth saying that I suffer from depression and anxiety, and I have my own issues with fear of abandonment. When she is in this state, I can have a lot of suicidal ideation because I have trouble coping and can't see a reliable path back to a happy place.
I know it might not seem fair, but given the state of things I feel like the responsibility to "fix" PTSD stuff is almost entirely in my court. I know that I can't predict what will set her PTSD off, so I try to focus on getting things back to a good place afterwards. But as you may have gathered from everything I wrote above, it's a big challenge that I am far from an expert at.
I look forward to being part of this community; please reach out if you have similar experiences, I'd love to hear from you.
My wife suffers from PTSD due to childhoold physical and emotional abuse, as well as partner abuse. In general, we have a great marriage. However, every now and then something I do will either push her over the edge or trigger her (I'm never sure which). Usually this is something very simple, like a miscommunication.
In general, her immediate reaction is to become quiet and distant, because she doesn't know how to deal with, or often even parse, her own emotions. I've grown accustomed to recognizing this, and I always try to gently engage her in conversation to figure out what is the matter.
She is sometimes reluctant to tell me, incredulous that I wouldn't know about the terrible thing I intentionally did to her. The words she uses to describe the situation are generally very extreme and vague, such as "You treated me with absolutely no respect." At the very least, this does clue me in to the basics of the experience she is going through.
I typically try to use Non-Violent Communication techniques to discuss the issue at hand with her; I try to acknowledge that her feelings and perceptions are valid and real, while at the same time trying to point out that when I said/did the thing, those feelings and perceptions were not the ones I intended for her to receive — I wanted something positive and good for her.
This is so much easier said than done, partially because, as I mentioned before, she attaches a moral value to my actions which implies malicious intent, i.e. - "You treated me like garbage." And when she lashes out at me, I feel the need to not be mislabeled as this bad person, and I try to clarify the situation...but often she sees this as being defensive and caring more about defending myself than her pain. She also often accuses me of trying to force her to replace her perspective with my perspective, or accuses me of gas-lighting her; I am guessing that she is so upset that she either forgets or doesn't hear my explicitly saying that her perspective is valid and important. Sometimes it's hard for me to tell if this is abuse or not, because I know that she feels genuinely threatened and that's why she's lashing out. I get very stressed during these conversations, as I am trying very hard to find the path of words that will make things better, yet keenly aware that I am walking on dangerous eggshells that can make things much worse before they get better.
Sometimes these conversations go better than others. In the worst cases, she can be in this state for several days. Sometimes after talking for awhile, she seems like she is in a place where she has calmed down and recognizes that whatever I said or did had good intentions, and understands that I am genuinely sorry that the result was her feeling so awful. However, sometime within the next hour, I will notice that she is acting reserved, and when I check in on her it seems like she has doubled down on those old feelings, and is more certain than ever that I intentionally harmed her in an inexcusable way.
If we aren't directly talking about the issue when she is in this state, we are both incredibly uncomfortable. I succumb to the fear that any action or lack of action I make might make things worse; for example, if I occupy myself with other things she might get upset because she thinks I have moved on and don't care, but if I engage with her she might get upset because she has already given up on conversation ever making things better and feels like I am pressuring her to do it anyway. During these times I sometimes realize that my breathing is slower and more shallow, as I am subconsciously trying to be invisible.
If she is alone in a room while she is in this state, sometimes she will hit herself repeatedly in order to try to cope. Sometimes she will start to make preparations to go to a hotel because she is so uncomfortable being near me that she just has to get away (she has never actually left though, as the conversations that occur when this happens always result in her staying...somehow).
My wife has a strong distrust of therapists, etc, so it has been very difficult to find ways for her to get better at dealing with her PTSD. Every now and then she will start reading some kind of book aimed at self-help, but they never seem to help her. She did recently visit a therapist for awhile, and I was so proud of her, but eventually it turned out that the therapist wasn't able to make any progress (both she and the therapist agreed on this), so that's over for now.
It's also worth saying that I suffer from depression and anxiety, and I have my own issues with fear of abandonment. When she is in this state, I can have a lot of suicidal ideation because I have trouble coping and can't see a reliable path back to a happy place.
I know it might not seem fair, but given the state of things I feel like the responsibility to "fix" PTSD stuff is almost entirely in my court. I know that I can't predict what will set her PTSD off, so I try to focus on getting things back to a good place afterwards. But as you may have gathered from everything I wrote above, it's a big challenge that I am far from an expert at.
I look forward to being part of this community; please reach out if you have similar experiences, I'd love to hear from you.
