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Deleted member 17302
My lady and I were so harmonized on 99% of who we were individually. So much so she moved in after just a short time of about 2 months, then engaged shortly after. Then our daughter died and she got PTSD from it after the shock wore off. I was thrust into being a supporter for something I didn't even understand. It was like a demon has suddenly possessed her in an instant. One moment she was laughing watching TV with me, the next yelling and pushing and slapping and hitting and throwing things. Then we found help after months of trying to get her into a doctor without the doctor throwing us out from her PTSD rage.
There was job loss thrown in the mix months after. Unemployment kept us afloat for a while as we figured out her situation and how to cope. She used BAD relationship destroying coping mechanisms which complicated us repairing the relationship AND dealing with life garbage like jobs and transportation and such.
Through all this I had to be the strong support (feel like I could have done better but not sure how) for her to make sure we both didn't drown from what life was throwing at us. I've been doing that for years and then got good and then this all happened.
Now as she says she has moved on (who knows if that is true or not but she sure ain't trying to come back into my arms for the last month and doesn't look like it will happen any time soon if ever), I'm forced to "move on". I've tried but things have prevented me but that is a different story all together.
Using the bathroom, palming my head and trying to figure out why the hell I can't just forget this girl or stop caring about her well being, it hits me.
I've been doing this so long, it is an ingrained force of habit to be ultra vigilant about her care and loving her the best I can. The kind of habit where even if your power is out, you still try to turn on the light switch even as you approach it telling family that you probably will because of habit and laughing, and then do it even though you just reminded yourself not to.
Not knowing FOR SURE what is going to happen (because the PTSD months of hell are from November 1 - April 30) because she has been taken over by this PTSD demon that likes to kidnap her away from me yearly if she isn't vigilant about meds and her condition, I am forced to think, "Well, maybe she will come back???", with a glimmer of hope in my soul. All the while logically, thinking, "run while you have the chance so you don't die of stress".
The battle of the subconscious, heart, and soul VS the conscious mind that is already blurred by distortions of perception due to DPDR (think about watching life as it was a dream and pinching yourself didn't always render a pinch feeling so you were not sure if you were awake or not) is destroying the battleground in which they fight, which happens to be my body. Taking my energy, my focus I try to place elsewhere for this insufferable war of the emotions vs logic all the while the emotions have hijacked the logic to do it's bidding to analyze just how much of a chance there is that the emotions can win out in the end with love.
Years of ingrained habits and love all trying to hold on with every damn ounce they have instead of letting me just move the hell on.
Yes, lot of logic and trends show she will return. Even some supernatural signs from God saying it. However I just want some peace. I hear you can move on AND be open to reopening the relationship all the while not feeling like your mind and body is being tossed around inside a tornado.
I just want to be able to focus on my own life and stop feeling this incessant nagging stealing my focus to be worried about her and if she will come back. No other relationship partner had issues I had to be so focused on supporting or worrying about them if they left my life. Finally finding this difference seems like a good starting point.
I guess the question here is... HOW do I move on with some peace while still being open to her coming back at some point? I want my mind and body back!
There was job loss thrown in the mix months after. Unemployment kept us afloat for a while as we figured out her situation and how to cope. She used BAD relationship destroying coping mechanisms which complicated us repairing the relationship AND dealing with life garbage like jobs and transportation and such.
Through all this I had to be the strong support (feel like I could have done better but not sure how) for her to make sure we both didn't drown from what life was throwing at us. I've been doing that for years and then got good and then this all happened.
Now as she says she has moved on (who knows if that is true or not but she sure ain't trying to come back into my arms for the last month and doesn't look like it will happen any time soon if ever), I'm forced to "move on". I've tried but things have prevented me but that is a different story all together.
Using the bathroom, palming my head and trying to figure out why the hell I can't just forget this girl or stop caring about her well being, it hits me.
I've been doing this so long, it is an ingrained force of habit to be ultra vigilant about her care and loving her the best I can. The kind of habit where even if your power is out, you still try to turn on the light switch even as you approach it telling family that you probably will because of habit and laughing, and then do it even though you just reminded yourself not to.
Not knowing FOR SURE what is going to happen (because the PTSD months of hell are from November 1 - April 30) because she has been taken over by this PTSD demon that likes to kidnap her away from me yearly if she isn't vigilant about meds and her condition, I am forced to think, "Well, maybe she will come back???", with a glimmer of hope in my soul. All the while logically, thinking, "run while you have the chance so you don't die of stress".
The battle of the subconscious, heart, and soul VS the conscious mind that is already blurred by distortions of perception due to DPDR (think about watching life as it was a dream and pinching yourself didn't always render a pinch feeling so you were not sure if you were awake or not) is destroying the battleground in which they fight, which happens to be my body. Taking my energy, my focus I try to place elsewhere for this insufferable war of the emotions vs logic all the while the emotions have hijacked the logic to do it's bidding to analyze just how much of a chance there is that the emotions can win out in the end with love.
Years of ingrained habits and love all trying to hold on with every damn ounce they have instead of letting me just move the hell on.
Yes, lot of logic and trends show she will return. Even some supernatural signs from God saying it. However I just want some peace. I hear you can move on AND be open to reopening the relationship all the while not feeling like your mind and body is being tossed around inside a tornado.
I just want to be able to focus on my own life and stop feeling this incessant nagging stealing my focus to be worried about her and if she will come back. No other relationship partner had issues I had to be so focused on supporting or worrying about them if they left my life. Finally finding this difference seems like a good starting point.
I guess the question here is... HOW do I move on with some peace while still being open to her coming back at some point? I want my mind and body back!
