Supporter My Wife Is An Incest Survivor

[Angler]

69,000 threads just in this Introduction section. Yet it feels so alone.

I want a place to share my stuff, even if it's just a diary of sorts. I have things I want to say and emote and I don't want to do it aloud. I want to read other similar posts and know that others are experiencing this also.

I am a stay-at-home Dad and husband. My wife was sexually abused by her father who would beat her during sex. Her mother also pimped her out and demeaned her. It was a bad life. These memories were suppressed and began emerging about 3 years ago. She continues to go to therapy and takes meds. She has had body memories. I once saw welts form on her face. I've seen bruising show up and disappear in hours time. I have read quite a bit and understand and quite a bit.

I am a stay-at-home because she has an advanced degree and I do not. Plus I am able to shield and protect the children from the worse of it. I can provide the stability and routine they need to thrive. We have been successful in our plan for how to make this work at home.

But sometimes the plan calls for extreme measures on my part. When she goes through an episode I know right off the bat that nothing I say or do will be "right" and that she is going to lash out at me regardless of what I say or do. I don't know the right thing to do about that, I tend to say as little as possible and just say trite reassuring or calming words. But there is a fine line. You want to be reassuring and loving without sounding weird or dismissive.

3 years ago she was diagnosed, but symptoms began the first weekend I moved in with Her. The fight was strange and emotional. I didn't understand it but the make up sex was out of this world and my son was conceived. The 9 months of pregnancy were the worst of my life as she was crazy. I know that isn't very PC but it's the easiest, best descriptive word. I chalked it up to pregnancy hormones and was supportive and took all the blame happily. She was having a baby, she gets a pass. She had an episode at my parents anniversary party and humiliated me in front of all of my people. But it's okay, she's pregnant, she gets a pass.

After the baby was born there was post-baby blue stuff, but she just had a baby, she gets a pass. Then came the second pregnancy and it was a carbon copy. Those two 9 months were easily the worst of my life. But I took it all, not because I am some hero, simply because I thought that is what pregnancy was. Billions of fathers had gone through the same thing. Surely I couldn't be the one butt head who complained about it.

I stayed at home from the beginning, it was clear she couldn't do all of the baby stuff and she felt guilty about that. I was pretty good with that stuff and slipped easily into that role. It worked for us. I just chalked it up to baby blues depression, hormones, and she being a career minded person. I am pretty nurturing so it worked for me as well.

Those two babies are now 8 and 9. 3 years ago memories started returning. We have gone through 3 years of PTSD education and therapy. Seemingly a graduate course on "how to get through this together" and I felt bad because those two 9 month periods that were "the worse" for me were peaches and cream compared to her childhood.

But here is my dirty little secret. The one that brings me to this board anonymously.

I don't love her anymore. I am with her because I protect the kids from her. I am with her because she is a good earner and I am a good nurturer so its a smart match. Mostly I am with her because I promised I would be. For Better or For Worse I promised I would be here for her. This is definitely for worse.

I care for her and nurture her as I would any dear friend in need. I have sex with her because she is hot and she turns me on, not because I am sharing a loving and nurturing moment with her. I sleep next to her and cuddle with her because I hope it will return some day. But today I do not ove her, I cant.

I had to divorce myself from that emotion in order to help her. When she is raging, attacking, blaming me for what she is feeling it hurts to be treated so by someone you love. Over time those feelings of love grew insulated, cut off, and disappeared by way of protecting myself from her emotions. Without love I can care for her and support her and she doesn't hurt me to such an acute pain. It's more of a dull pain that can be endured. I can approach her similar to how a therapist may approach a long-time patient. With kindness and affection, but genuine love makes things emotional and weird.

I don't want a divorce, I made a promise for better or worse... Through sickness and in health. Part of that promise was to cherish her, and I go through those motions in the hope that someday love will return.

Last night my son had an ear infection and was wailing at bedtime and couldn't sleep. He is 9 and it was an obvious pain and not a tantrum. So I took him to urgent care in case it was more serious, it was not. But during that episode my wife's emotion was triggered and she began doing her attacking me thing and I hated her.

For the first time my "not love" turned to active dislike. Maybe even hate. I hated her for turning everything about her emotions and how hard things are for her. Last night was about our son and his hurt. And I hated her for not being able to do that.

Now, I know she can't help it. I understand Vanderkolk and his adrenalin physical cell thing. I understand emotions come and there isn't much a person can do to stop it. I understand that seeing me nurturing our son in a way she wasn't nurtured was probably a trigger. But I don't care.

I probably don't hate her. But my level of "not love" increased some last night.

I don't want to be resentful or to believe myself a martyr to these feelings. I don't want to be the "my wife has PTSD look how hard it is on me" guy making it about myself when she is the one sick.

And I hate that I feel exactly the way she acted last night. I do feel like a martyr. I do want to sometimes be that guy. I am overwhelmed and sometimes just want it all to stop. Let's just be normal for one month. If I could have one month of normal I could refresh myself. But it's been so long I am not sure I would recognize normal.

 

[scout86]

Well said. And honestly, I think. And it must have been REALLY hard to say (and scary?). Must be even harder to live.

Is she in therapy now? Are you? (Not saying there's something "wrong" with YOU, just wondering how much support you have in this and what kind.)

I get the promises and the commitment. I get that, on some levels, it's a partnership that works. BUT, life is too short to live that way. For either of you AND for your kids.

There are so many more thoughts, but I have no idea which way to go with them! Just that this probably isn't working as well as you'd like to think, for any of you. Sorry!:sorry:

 

[nursenurse]

She does not get a pass because she has PTSD. There are boundaries that need to be set when you do have calm, rational moments with her. With consequences that you will enforce. Maybe when she is berating (dear God, hopefully not in front of the kids) you will take the kids and leave for the evening until she can calm herself. Something like that. It is good that she is going to therapy, but that does not mean she gets to demean you in the process. Some of her thought processes may be out of her control, but she alone controls what comes out of her mouth, and you have to right in any relationship to dictate and enforce how you will be treated.

And what you show your kids by hanging in while being mistreated, is that it is okay for them to be mistreated as well. Is this what you want your kids to look for in their life partner? Trust me, they see and know more than you know, and also internalize a lot of it. You need to stand up for yourself for their sakes, in a calm, well thought out manner. She has a choice in her actions, do not keep blaming PTSD for this.

 

[Amalia]

as a relatively recently diagnosed ptsd peep (1year), my heart breaks for you, as it has done for myself and the person i love. Sadly my 'trigger' is trying to get close to someone, period. My partner, and me too, are now utterly exhausted, super stressed and burned out. I have left many many times as i cannot bear what i do to him. But anyhoo. Sadly we,in that moment, have little control. And the perception that we are utterly unloveable, the self hatred that comes from those outbursts, the utter inability to see the wood for the trees and even know what is appropriate verbally during those times is all too familiar in sure. But i do know who i am, take responsibility for what i say and do, or at least try to. You are not living right now, just existing. Myself and my Love have had to accept the path ahead may even include not being together. The fact that i don't believe for a second that he loves me, doesn't help But whatever happens she must be aware that her behaviour is unacceptable, and that she is draining you of love and energy and peace. You only have one life. This is not a prison sentence. You must both be healthy, whatever that entails. But it all starts with the children being safe. Then them being happy. Then the same for yourself, and then and only then believe it or not, your wife.
but the first step must be talking.
nb it is very easy to assume the role of martyr and blame everything on your wife. But nothing is ever one sided, and you must have courage, above all, to do the right thing by all of you.
best of luck.

 

[Orglethorp]

Angler, my heart really went out to you reading that. I can only imagine how hard all of that is to admit, and I've got a pretty good idea how hard it is to keep quiet. You know what I noticed, though? You keep giving your wife a pass. You keep accepting abuse and providing the excuses. It's amazing and noble that you still want to be with her and care for her despite how she treats you, and that fact that you don't love her any more. Maybe that love can come back, or maybe it can't, but you are not going to come out of this alright if you don't take care of yourself.

You've said she's in therapy, but what about yourself? You can't do this alone, and your wife is not the person who's going to help you.

I don't know your wife, I don't know what her PTSD is like, and I haven't lived her life, but I am also a survivor of incest at the hands of my father. I do have PTSD, I do go through very rough periods, and I do have a wonderful man in my life who graciously lives through it all with me.

I am terrified of letting exactly this situation happen between Peter and I, so I'm very careful not to give myself a pass. I hold back when his people are around; I'd rather be awkwardly silent than falling apart or blowing up. If I feel like I'm letting him take on too much of the work at home or depending on him more than is fair, I let him know. I acknowledged it, I apologise, and I ask him how he feels about it. If I catch myself lashing out at him during an episode, I apologise, step back and try to figure out what's the real problem. Maybe the scent of something he's wearing is triggering me, so I explain it, ask him to remove it, and then accept whatever help he is or isn't willing to give. When I feel like there's too much going on for me and I'm worried that I'm being unfair to him, I talk to someone else. All I except of him is to be honest about how he's feeling about it all.

I'm not your wife, and your wife isn't me, but I guess the point I'm trying to make is that a woman can survive the things your wife did, have a lot of trouble with PTSD, and still consider her partner's feelings. It doesn't sound like she's doing that. Have you ever told her how you feel when she treats you this way? I imagine her initial reaction would be emotional and defensive, I know that feeling all too well, but perhaps knowing and being gently reminded would help her start to try to consider how her outbursts affect those around her.

 

[Karen12]

Angler, your wife's history of the kinds of things she went through is so similar to my own that I had to get some distance from your post this morning to fully consider it. It's a very sad and honest post. I have to say your wife's behavior made me really angry. I would never treat someone I loved like that and I think her behavior is neither acceptable or excusable. Having lived through awful trauma and abuse doesn't give anyone a pass to abuse to others. You made me kind of angry, too, by passively accepting it, and sort of reducing your wife to a sex toy. Have you thought about what these dynamics between two of you are teaching your kids about marriage and relationships?

Is your wife currently in therapy? Have you talked to her therapist about your own feelings? If not maybe it's time to get some family counseling for both of you together.

(I'm new so I hope this kind of post is okay. Mods, please delete if I stepped over a line.)

 

[ghotiff]

That was a very open and heartfelt post.

These are my thoughts on how to help that may be useful (or not).

From your post it seems that you need to work on your boundaries. This will be hard work but the advantage of working on it is that it's good modeling for your kids, you can do it and remain married and...once you have them in place you will be able to see if your marriage can work within those all important boundaries.

There are lots if good books on this. Something you may not have looked at is books on dealing with narcissists. I'm not saying your wife is a narcissist but in those moments of being trapped in her own emotions she may act like one and the books help with strategies for dealing with those moments and not loosing yourself (or your boundaries).

I hope that helps. I think it's hard to love someone who tramples your boundaries and by creating firm boundaries you may find love again.

 

[joeylittle]

Welcome to the forum, @Angler - and really, good job with putting it all down in black and white. That's hard. There's great reading on the site. Also, there is a section for Supporter Diaries - I mention it since you brought up using this place that way - and there are other supporter sub-forums as well. You are welcome to any part of the site, of course! We all benefit from talking with each other.

 

[intothelight]

@Angler Welcome to the forum!

Your post was very honest and a very good assessment of your own emotional survival strategy, as to be "in love" with someone who treats you poorly is too painful to endure in the long term. However, to live constantly in an emotionally guarded state or on eggshells can also have some long term negative effects.

Having PTSD doesn't give someone a pass for being mean, stormy, angry, combative, degrading, etc. Emotions can be overwhelming, but to say they cannot be controlled isn't true. Someone with PTSD may not have the ability or tools to control, but this is something that can be learned. You and your children deserve better and there is nothing wrong with expecting that to be the norm in the relationship.

I have PTSD and no I had no control over my past, but I have control over myself and how that past affects my present. You said that your wife was in therapy....is it trauma therapy? The proper kind of therapy is critical. Also, has she ever tried Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT) to help with emotional regulation? Finally, a person with PTSD does not handle stress well and is her job putting too many demands on her? Most professions demand a high degree of performance, a constantly stressful environment and also that a person keep the "normal" mask in place which is exhausting.

Sit down and talk to your wife, but be prepared to be open and not judgmental to what she has to say and it may take her a while to sort it out. PTSD isn't an excuse for bad behavior, but uncontrolled PTSD can result in some very negative behavior. Only she will know what she needs and to make the choices necessary to make it better for herself. No one likes being angry all the time, any more than anyone likes to be around someone that is angry all the time.

You stress a lot about how your lifestyle arrangement works and especially how it works for you. But does it really work for her and are you willing to do what it takes to make it work for everyone?

 

[Manu]

Yes, Angler, a very honest portrayal of what a supporter feels. PTSD is baffling, both to the sufferer and the supporter, even for professional caregivers (therapists, etc.). As I read your post I thought about the similarities of what you are experiencing and what supporters of someone with dementia feel. Perhaps reading what those caregivers have found as means of coping might be helpful as well as this site. Sometimes getting a different perspective from those dealing with a separate but equally frustrating and intense situation can help. Irrational behavior often goes with the territory of PTSD but that doesn't mean the sufferer is not accountable. Would she get away with such conduct at work? I doubt it. Would she get away with it with her therapist? Doubtful. So, it needs to stop at home too. You do need support and so do the children, through friends, therapists, or other social groups. Other supporters have learned skills to deal with a variety of situations that are emotionally taxing, so seek out such people even if the support groups address a different problem. I'm sure you'll find enough similariites to be helpful. Your wife has issues, and clearly they torment her. Unless you find some way to cope with the situation, which you cannot change, you will pass on to your children ways of coping that can lead to dysfunction in them. I'm quite sure that's not the legacy you want to give to your children. Can you meet with her therapist and perhaps find ways to cope since he/she knows your wife? Otherwise, find someone you can work with or a support group to help, and talk to your kids about what's going on. My mother was an incest survivor who never said anything to me about. Secrets only led to conjecture on my part and some dysfunctional coping skills just to survive. I lived with that bewilderment long into my adult life. When someone clued me in on what must have happened to her, so much made sense to me. That didn't excuse her, and she chose to keep her distance from me, but I was able to go on with my life knowing I did not have to accept her abuse as my personal problem. Hard to do, I understand, but others have had to do it before you and they can help you through it. I suggest you don't get too hung up on your feelings right now, because hating her behavior can cloud your true feelings for her. It's hard to separate those emotions when every day is so unpredictable and intense.
Manu