My Worst Fear

[keifer]

I'm scared to death of going to a hospital. I'm very afraid of being told I have to go back because my knee is causing me a lot of pain. I'm shaking. I want to retire from active duty so I don't have to go back.

My sister thinks I should go back; my therapist too. I'm guessing my command will also.

Do you have any idea what it's like to see the walls close on on you? Last time, I shook so bad, I could hardly drive home and my blood pressure was through the roof. I've broken down and cried, could hardly stand today.

 

[arfie]

I might relate too well to give you a healthy response. I had one typed up and deleted because I realized it was a justification rant. Methinks I have work to do on this score. Maybe tomorrow... Or next year...

Gentle hugs and support, Keifer.

Hope you find the courage to take your leap of faith, whichever way you decide to leap. Is "leap" a poor choice of metaphor for a guy in need of knee surgery?

 

[franciemarnie]

I don't know what's wrong with your knee. It sounds like it's the hospital and not the surgery that's bothering you. I hate when our choices are two evils and we can only choose the lesser. My heart goes out to you.

My husband had bone on bone pain and finally bit the bullet and had the replacement knee surgery. He was up and walking around in a week. He was 78 but in fantastic shape. They don't like to keep you more than they have to. 2 nights tops in our neck of the woods.

If it's going into a hospital that bothers you, can you get some tranquilizing meds first? After surgery they will of course give you lots of pain killers, which I found quite soothing many years ago.

 

[keifer]

They gave me amnesia without my consent. I don't trust them as took them three months or more to admit they should have told me that was a side effect before I went in.

I was scared to death then to suddenly have amnesia, no I can't go back.

 

[franciemarnie]

I see. Geez. I didn't have any experience near like that. The closest I came to something even remotely similar were a few Marathon Man dental visits. I won't go back to a dentist now. Maybe that will change as time goes by but brother - amnesia? Wow. Terrifying experience. I feel for you.

 

[scout86]

I have a good friend who nearly died from anesthesia, many years ago, when her twins were born. She needed knee replacement surgery and put it off for years because she didn't trust the Drs and was afraid to be put under. She's had both knees replaced now. They did it will locals and she was awake, harassing the Drs during both surgeries. Is there any way they could do that with you? (Both of her procedures went fine and now she wishes she'd had it done earlier.)

Beyond that suggestion, you have my complete and total sympathy! I really can relate, even without that kind of horrible earlier experience.

 

[keifer]

I was supposed to be awake. But they can do whatever they want I was told after the procedure starts. Waking up and finding out after the fact, kind of kills any trust.

 

[Marf]

I am sorry that you are in such pain that you're posting about your refusal to go to the hospital. If you decide to go in the future, I highly recommend taking a friend that you trust to think and advocate for you, making sure your wishes are followed. It is so hard to think clearly and stay present when one is that scared. Good luck!

 

[scout86]

keifer, that would quite definitely "kill the trust"! Marf has a good idea. Maybe talk this through with your T & see if there are ways you can guarantee things don't get out of your control? I hate to think of you having to live in pain or give up a career you wouldn't otherwise give up because of the bad experience in the past.

 

[Mercy]

Marf, that's a great idea. Keifer, this would protect your needs and also record what happened. There is nothing like a good buddy or family member at your side to give you more confidence. BTW is there a different hospital you could use?

 

[keifer]

I had a buddy with me. They seperate you then have you sign your life away. Not even an iv will ever go in without it all documented or they will meet my monster.

 

[MilitaryMeg]

Are you still active duty or are you out? You can request to see an off base doctor, especially if you have a mental health guy that can back it up due to your PTSD. I KNOW you can do it for a mental health provider. That's what I did because I didn't trust the ones on base.
Hope that helps...
Meghan