Relationship Narcissism?

[sportsgirl]

So, I was speaking with my therapist (who does not specialize in PTSD) and in explaining the latest happenings with my spouse she said it sounds like my spouse is exhibiting a lot of narcissistic tendencies. I thought yeah, could be. Then when I got home there was my proof. The first thing my spouse said "how was therapy? Did you spend the whole time talking about me? Is there anything we need to talk about?"

Wow ... I felt so much better. Some how my spouse who doesn't normally like to be in the spotlight, but with the heightened PTSD has made it a lot more about her, is becoming a narcissist. Well I grew up an only child with absent alcoholic parents in an upper middle class house -- GAME ON!

Thanks for letting me share.

 

[Mee]

Oh boy.

Um. There is a current thread on labelling in relationships. It’s triggered a couple of us.

I also shared in my blog that I believe ptsd IS quite narcissistic. Both the disorder because OUR trauma overlays all our experiences and our recovery because our disorder and our healing both colour all our experience.

So in a descriptor of ‘self involved’ : yes.

 

[sportsgirl]

Wow. Thank you for this reply. I will check out the current thread on labeling in relationships. It makes sense why my spouse who is so awesome has became such a horses ass around me.

 

[Mee]

Wow. Thank you for this reply. I will check out the current thread on labeling in relationships. It makes sense why my spouse who is so awesome has became such a horses ass around me.

Bear in mind it’s only my opinion. There are going to be those who will feel just as passionately otherwise.

 

[Tinyflame]

Did you spend the whole time talking about me? Is there anything we need to talk about?"

Just a thought, are you sure that doesn't reflect insecurity, or guilt? Or is a way of saying, ~"I feel like everything I do is wrong, you think I'm the villain", and feeling ganged-up on? Or even paranoia, or unhealthy boundaries? Even an attempt to open a good conversation, and solve issues? Or something else? (Especially if they were formerly 'awesome'.)

I just mean if narcissistic traits were only about self, every FB user would qualify..

ETA I agree with @Zoogal below. I just came back to add, it's more (most) important to hear what he's "feeling", not the specific words themselves.

Best wishes with your therapy.

 

[Gs172003]

So, I was speaking with my therapist (who does not specialize in PTSD) and in explaining the latest happenings with my spouse she said it sounds like my spouse is exhibiting a lot of narcissistic tendencies. I thought yeah, could be. Then when I got home there was my proof. The first thing my spouse said "how was therapy? Did you spend the whole time talking about me? Is there anything we need to talk about?"

Wow ... I felt so much better. Some how my spouse who doesn't normally like to be in the spotlight, but with the heightened PTSD has made it a lot more about her, is becoming a narcissist. Well I grew up an only child with absent alcoholic parents in an upper middle class house -- GAME ON!

Thanks for letting me share.

Could it be he feels like you're spending the time bashing him? I felt like that's what my husband would do when he went to therapy instead of working on himself. I don't consider that narcissistic but I do consider that defensive.

 

[sportsgirl]

Thanks for your reply. I don't agree with your reply, but I respect it. My spouse's behavior affects mine and it has gotten to the point where it is affecting my day-to-day life. This is not the same person I married and I am trying to figure out in all of the craziness of living with PTSD what is going on.

 

[The Albatross]

Just and FYI... in my own counseling, my mister would often say the same thing. I though am the PTSD... he ultimately had other issues mainly depression and childhood neglect. In our case, the shrink was initially seeing me, invited my spouse in for several joint sessions... then subsequently was treating my spouse separately.

Was your shrink's opinion based on your SO's presence in your sessions/a meeting or just by what you shared?

Added in edit... my spouse was extremely uneasy about what therapy actually was but was set at ease after a few joint sessions. He didn't have anything to go on except both our parental situations. So of course, he thought it meant I was blaming him.

 

[grit]

From my experience and what I learn in therapy, I do not do labeling cause I am concoius of my impact on others, but some of the negatives traits I had to venture to accept were kind of self involved. I will give a short example. Children learn a lot when growing up but if you are in war zone family....you are in survival mode so your emotions may get stunted but not your intelligence...
You did not learn how to play and relationships are kind of or part of mature playing...so a person with PTSD is not sponteious enough to respond and everything they do may seem calculated and they may not be aware of. The other person who of course was not present at the warzone family may take things personal....this may play out for a long time and get its own personality and may become rigid even more. What do you do for yourself so you don't end up as reactive as your spouse?
Adding,it is possible therapy may trigger his paranoid from like Mom can see my brain and what I think??? From like 2yr old phase but reminded in the body and unconsciously.

 

[Mee]

@grit and @Tinyflame have got it. And what the other thread are about really.

I personally am ok with the word being used as a description not a diagnosis in conversation I would hope a therapist would be more careful with language ( hence my oh boy). Behaving narcissistically can have all sorts of motivation: from npd, through insecurity, to PTSD or .... just having received inadequate emotional modelling/education.

Ultimately your question might be better framed as ‘what is healthy / fair for me to set my boundary at?’

I think personally that might be better decided by you alone but then discussed / negotiated together maybe in couples’ therapy? Certainly not with one or other’s therapist. It’s inevitably going to feel unbalanced to the other, however professional the therapist.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think couple's therapy is spot on: you are a couple, having relationship challenges. You having ptsd is part of the challenge (not blaming you, just a reality), and then there will be others.

 

[Sweetpea76]

This is a supporter thread, so keep that perspective in mind. It’s not about how labeling affects a person with PTSD, or what a sufferer is feeling. It’s about a supporting partner dealing with these behaviors and trying to make sense of them.

As a supporter, I can see how some behaviors would seem Narcissistic... PTSD can be a selfish disorder. A lot of time, everything has to be all about our partners. Their health, their needs, their feelings all seem to take precedence. There can also be lack of empathy for any of our issues, extreme reaction to criticism, and quickness to shift the blame. Sound familiar?

I don’t think this opens up the NPD can of worms though. I just think it means that sometimes our partners can be tough to live with when their PTSD is ramped up.

A lot of mental health symptoms and behaviors overlap, but having *some* of the traits doesn’t mean somebody necessarily has NPD. For example, I would venture to guess that a PTSD sufferer reacting poorly to criticism would be more related to self loathing than any kind of sense of grandiosity, or that the self centered behavior comes from self preservation mode.