I made a split second decision that nearly killed me a few weeks ago. I was headed straight into the apex of a concrete freeway barrier as I looked over my right shoulder for traffic. When I looked back in front of me the barrier was all I saw. I reacted quickly and managed to avoid a head on. But for a second there, I acknowledged that this would be how it would end. There was no time for any other reaction
Now, I am learning that this event -unlike anything I've ever done in my life- has spawned an enormous set of consequences that didn't occur to me when I made that very bad split second decision. It has exponentially complicated my already hopeless situation. I feel terrible. I have been on depression meds for years and years now, switching meds as the new ones came out until lately, as I have exhausted most drug options. I work full time with a law enforcement agency (no, I am not sworn). My spouse has been retired for 10 yrs under disability due to a long standing cognitive issue that had worsened. I feel the burden of raising children, taking care of aging parents and all the while taking care of my spouse.
My spouse has nearly zero short term memory, confabulates, has limited executive functioning skills, major selective OCD issues and in general, though very well meaning, increases the difficulty of everything. We have had the police by, the public works department, very bad altercations
with a badass neighbor (exacerbated by my spouse's OCD tendency) and live in a home devoid of organization to the degree that I have given up trying to clean.
I truly cannot remember a time in my life when I've felt truly happy, or truly cared for. I know this is not uncommon. However, for years now, I panic when I wake in the morning to another day that is my life. I struggle to stay in the present, my background life noise constantly competes with the here and now. The people I see every day can't begin to imagine what I cope with every day. Everyone has family problems, but not everyone manages the issues in my life all on their own. Due to the challenges of my life it is often very difficult for me to relate to others on a personal level, and so I have no friends. Then there is the problem of reciprocating.
So, now that I've learned that the damages to my car far exceed its bluebook value (despite the fact that it was a cream puff with 50k mi on it before the crash), I'd begun to look at options outside of the insurance company when I was made aware of the possible state bill that I (or my ins co) could receive if there is damage to the barrier. I haven't contacted my ins co and at this point I am certain if they hear about it I will lose my insurance and need to learn about high risk insurance. Internet consumer reviews of my current insurance company are dreadful. I am praying to hear that there is no damage.
So aside from all the work my little house needs (and again is pushed off), and generally distressing life, I am very uncomfortable hiding this new problem of which I have spoken to no one and now, I don't really like driving anywhere.
I am staying off the freeway and trying my best (tho that is not good enough) to avoid traffic. There is soooo much traffic. There are places I normally travel 20 mi to get to using the freeway. I'll need to find another, slower, more congested route now.
I am grateful that no one was injured that day. I feel a little like I lost a bit of my mind making such a quick and rash driving decision at such a high rate of speed no less. I think I did lose control that day. I lost control of my mind.
Now, I am learning that this event -unlike anything I've ever done in my life- has spawned an enormous set of consequences that didn't occur to me when I made that very bad split second decision. It has exponentially complicated my already hopeless situation. I feel terrible. I have been on depression meds for years and years now, switching meds as the new ones came out until lately, as I have exhausted most drug options. I work full time with a law enforcement agency (no, I am not sworn). My spouse has been retired for 10 yrs under disability due to a long standing cognitive issue that had worsened. I feel the burden of raising children, taking care of aging parents and all the while taking care of my spouse.
My spouse has nearly zero short term memory, confabulates, has limited executive functioning skills, major selective OCD issues and in general, though very well meaning, increases the difficulty of everything. We have had the police by, the public works department, very bad altercations
with a badass neighbor (exacerbated by my spouse's OCD tendency) and live in a home devoid of organization to the degree that I have given up trying to clean.
I truly cannot remember a time in my life when I've felt truly happy, or truly cared for. I know this is not uncommon. However, for years now, I panic when I wake in the morning to another day that is my life. I struggle to stay in the present, my background life noise constantly competes with the here and now. The people I see every day can't begin to imagine what I cope with every day. Everyone has family problems, but not everyone manages the issues in my life all on their own. Due to the challenges of my life it is often very difficult for me to relate to others on a personal level, and so I have no friends. Then there is the problem of reciprocating.
So, now that I've learned that the damages to my car far exceed its bluebook value (despite the fact that it was a cream puff with 50k mi on it before the crash), I'd begun to look at options outside of the insurance company when I was made aware of the possible state bill that I (or my ins co) could receive if there is damage to the barrier. I haven't contacted my ins co and at this point I am certain if they hear about it I will lose my insurance and need to learn about high risk insurance. Internet consumer reviews of my current insurance company are dreadful. I am praying to hear that there is no damage.
So aside from all the work my little house needs (and again is pushed off), and generally distressing life, I am very uncomfortable hiding this new problem of which I have spoken to no one and now, I don't really like driving anywhere.
I am staying off the freeway and trying my best (tho that is not good enough) to avoid traffic. There is soooo much traffic. There are places I normally travel 20 mi to get to using the freeway. I'll need to find another, slower, more congested route now.
I am grateful that no one was injured that day. I feel a little like I lost a bit of my mind making such a quick and rash driving decision at such a high rate of speed no less. I think I did lose control that day. I lost control of my mind.
