Need a New Rebellion

[Kubash16]

Weird, nonsensical, pissy post ahead.

You’ve been warned.


I freaking hate pills. They are my go to when hurting myself so having to take them just to maintain sanity is not something I enjoy and my ultimate goal is to reduce or eliminate the need.

My second (of many, many) problems is I am an automatic rebel. You urge me to do something, I’ll do the opposite. Not to piss you off, not really any reason I can define because I don’t set out to do so. It just happens automatically. You tell me not to drink a soda- that soda is going to be on my mind until I get it. Come hell or high water, I’ll get that soda. And I won’t even be satisfied, I’ll be disgusted with myself. But that isn’t enough to stop me.


Now for the problem at hand. I’ve had a lot of people around me, both subtly and directly tell me I need to be eating better/exercising/all the usual. Cause my weight needs to come down. It isn’t going up which is always a plus. But there is such a focus on my weight all the time. Which makes me avoid it in every way. I sneak out to make sure I get fast food and sodas and binge on the sh*t.

Went to the doctor today and even though my blood pressure is always fine everywhere else I’ve gotten it taken-they were concerned enough to put me on yet another pill.

?

I’m not having this. This sh*t has to change. But the more I try to convince myself I need to be healthier the stronger cravings for junk becomes and it gets unbearable and I get moody as hell until I get it.


I need to figure something out here. Some way of satisfying the rebel while also reducing my weight enough to get off this new pill.

My T, in the beginning, was also emphasizing my need to eat healthier and exercise until I blew up about other stuff and threw in my issues about that. Then, she changed it to a way I can cope with. Forget about losing weight, don’t even look at a scale. Instead focus on increasing weights/reps/strength/stamina. I can do that. Her idea for my bingeing? Since I’m not even tasting the food, just wanting to get to the point of physical pain from being so full and bloated. Her idea is to stock up my fridge with a crap ton of veggies/fruits/salads. Binge on those first and when I run out, go ahead and get the junk. There hasn’t been enough time yet to see if that will work long term. But I’m willing to try.

But then the noise of everyone else is crowding it out and I can’t focus on anything but wanting to hide away and binge on every bit of junk I can find.

 

[Sideways]

Is there space to reframe the central concept in your mind?

You’ve referred to this as an innate need to rebel. And maybe that’s exactly what it is.

From someone with a very healthy dose of self-loathing? It doesn’t sound at all like rebellion to me. What you’re describing sounds a whole lot more like a lack of self-compassion, and a lack of self-acceptance (and definitely self confidence). And with that? Fairly typical self-sabotage.

You know what would be healthy for you. Everyone is telling you. But I’m guessing they don’t need to tell you, you’re probably already pretty expert on your own personal health situation and the potential benefits to you (and your self concept) of living a healthier life.

Are you any good at treating yourself well? At identifying then giving yourself what you need? At sticking with that long term?

The binging you’re describing sounds like borderline eating disorder territory. My sister does that. Hides food and everything. It’s her version of self harm. And like a lot of people with that particular eating disorder? Probably the real work isn’t anything to do with food, or exercise.

Living life like you genuinely care about yourself? Long term? That’s more than just a healthy lifestyle makeover. Requires a whole lot of acceptance of self, and wanting to treat yourself well, and feel good. Long term.

Not an easy thing to do. That’s why we self harm in the first place. It’s quicker and easier to get a fix, and sits nice and comfortably with our low self esteem.

 

[Kubash16]

I think you’re right. But I don’t know how to change it.

My pdoc did dx me with binge eating disorder and I know I don’t have much of any self worth. There’s a certain satisfaction that comes with causing myself as much pain or difficulty that I can.

 

[Sideways]

I relate to that feeling a lot. Hopefully someone comes up with a solution, because if I was any good at improving self-esteem? I’d probably have some self esteem.

 

[Ronin]

Why do you care so much for others words / do not take those that do something useful to your life, leave the rest?

& IDK about need to rebel... Where Im from, rebel was a curse for reckless hot potato that doesnt have life together, that much. On that, pass.

 

[Keming]

Rebellion is an act of taking control and re-establishing agency.

So don't do things because Other People Say You MUST.

Do everything for you. Only you.
Their opinions don't mean shit. Only yours. Do. What. You. Choose.

It doesn't sound like a rebellion until you put in practice. See how much of your life changes when you do things that You Choose, not what's expected or demanded.

I'm getting healthy this year because I choose to. No one else's opinion has been consulted. My decision and my time.

 

[Mach123]

We are in the same boat? I have cancer and I should be doing blah blah.

I react the same way though and my wife is as bad or worse. Plus we have 2 adult handicapped daughters and food is a big problem.

So I got told yesterday in therapy I'm the one doing the grocery shopping so it's on me.

Lol.

 

[TruthSeeker]

In this situation, I make a plan....that I know I can follow. I don't announce it (making a plan and announcing is an intentional set up to failure-drawing attention to your new plan to lose weight gets people to give input-(which clearly you don't want)and well-meaning people who have dieted have lots of wisdom and want to share. You already know this. Once they tell you how to do it, your normal reaction kicks in,you will do the opposite of because that's how you believe you are wired (to fail)-then you will fail-and you can justify and blame them for pissing you off so bad, you had to do the opposite. So is other's involvement causing you justifiable derailment of your goal or your expectation to fail? If you need control, make your plan.....keep it to yourself and involve no one (you can cook) make the end goal something easy to attain (like 5 lbs) and x calories/smart meals a day. It sounds like you look for reasons to fail and expect failure....and blame others instead of your self for causing you to not follow through. This is only an opinion.