Need advice on disability

[BpinkJ]

I have had PTSD since I was a teenager do to abuse among other things. I have always wanted to be normal, so have pretty much learned how to act normal most of the time. I walked out of my job last year (job of 9 years) after I was put into a panic attack. I was actually told to go home and they would pay me anyways, but I didn't feel safe returning. This job knew my history and has always worked with me (let me leave when I needed, come in late everyday and so on).

I have always somewhat self managed my PTSD except quite a few bad flare up when I had to take FMLA. I start counseling and then stop. I have never felt safe or comfortable talking and staying in therapy long. I have also been diagnosed over the years with anxiety, chronic PTSD, ADD, depression and post partum depression and who knows what else. I never asked to see my file. I have tried many meds but always stop taking them because I don't like meds. Drug addiction runs in my family and my mom died in 2015 from a fentanyl overdose. I also have never found the time to actually work at getting better since I had a child at 16 and had to work to support him.

I now have a spouse and 2 more children (3 total). My youngest child has sickle cell disease and is hospitalized often. I am having a breakdown. I have had people in the past tell me to apply for SSDI while I get the help I need. I do have enough credits but am only 30 years old now and don't like the stereotypes that go along with it. I don't want something wrong with me.

I have barely slept the last few months and am very edgy and cry often. I am very jumpy but always have been. I used to not be able to shower because I didn't like not being able to see with the curtain shut....that went away and is now back. I have years of files where once I get bad enough I cry out for help (counseling) and then find a way to get normal again by my self.

I am really bad at this point and have an appointment with a counselor in 3 days. Also each time I start I go to a new place because I never feel like I'm getting any where or I feel cured for the moment. I have made up my mind, I want to get better. Should I apply for SSDI while I take this time to really work through my problems? Will they look at my childhood forward? Also, I know they reach out to friends and family but I have no one to list except my spouse due to foster care and not having friends. What do I do?

 

[provencepearl]

Have you talked with an SS Disability attorney? Someone like that may be able to advise you on whether you would qualify. I had a panic attack in class, mild, and did not know what was happening. I had been diagnosed with apd and was in another car accident shortly before this, so blamed it on car accident, condition worsening. But I was also suffering severely from extreme legal abuse syndrome, causing ptsd. Just before the panic attack, the legal abuse intensified. So now I have to work on my retirement disability situation to get them to grant the disability retirement. As I now have an official diagnosis of ptsd, I am hoping the situation will get better.

It is not easy to get disability, generally. So I would suggest researching if you will qualify. I would not list a person to contact if you do not want your spouse to be contacted.

My heart goes out to you and I hope you find help soon.

 

[BpinkJ]

I have not reached out to an attorney. I have had this for over 15 years. It gets worse then better. I have been in and out of treatment. I have always worked (last job 9 years). I had a bad panic attack at work last year which made me leave and not return. I was having them more and more at work. My job knew of my medical status. This time I am not shaking the feeling down and it has been 11 months. I hope that I can shake the feeling soon. I started back in therpy. They want me to try some eye movement therapy that should de-sensitize my memories. Thing is after my one triggering event I have had more over the years. I feel like I have many layers and could really use therapy on a daily basis. I am now in weekly again. I would prefer to work, but was wondering is it possible to apply for the time I am getting myself back to my normal (like a short term).

O...and I really believe that having a baby 11 months ago (walked out on job 14 months ago) and my baby having sickle cell disease has made me not be able to shake it this time. My baby is constantly in the hospital for pain episodes. Just another thing I feel is my fault.

 

[donethat]

Hi, as of about 15 years ago, SSDI was availabe (maybe), only if you can not work. They review after some time to see if you are able to work so you can be on and off of it as needed more or less. You need documentation from every provider who will back up the claim or unable to work.
I got SSDI in about 2001 ? My therapist at the time urged me to apply. I refused for 2 years, then relented. I got it on my first attempt (for PTSD ) which is very rare. The main reason I got it was the extent I went to, to get help. I was driving 200 miles round trip often every week to see this therapist. That is my main point....the more you can document and the more people who will support your claim, the easier it is to get.

I sometimes regret ever applying, as I have no job, friends...and feel like a leper. But the truth is I could not work and still cant. keep in mind I'm an old guy. They probably would check on your progress more often. They reviewed me about twice and were happy.

Am I happy about the SSDI ? NO, but I would be sunk without it. Most people do have to apply more than once. so keep trying. let me know if I can help..

 

[DharmaGirl]

I also got SSDI for PTSD and back problems. I got it in 4 months because I was hospitalized 3 times in a month and a half. I know a lot of people think I'm faking it (you don't LOOK disabled), but they don't live my life. I really don't care what they think. Let them live through what I have then make a judgement. I used Allsup to help me get SSDI and got it. Good luck to you.

 

[BpinkJ]

Hi, as of about 15 years ago, SSDI was availabe (maybe), only if you can not work. They review after s...

I am only 30 years old. I have had PTSD well for at least 15 years...maybe longer. I wasn't diagnosed until after the abuse stopped. I have had many hiccups over the years. The job I had for 9 years knew about my history. I took FMLA multiple times for anexity and PTSD. It seems like I get worse then somewhat better, but have never fully healed. I think it is part because I have never been able to sick to a therapy for longer than a few months. I go and feel better quickly then go back to "being an adult". I had a child young and have always had to work full time and overtime to support him. I would tell myself snap out of it you have a baby to take care of. It always somewhat worked and I could function with the anexity or at least I thought. I worked and still have no friends so don't feel bad. Half the time I don't want to leave the house or bother with other people. It is easier for me to not let people get close to me. I don't feel like anyone really knows me deep down inside. I'm afraid if they did they would run like the wind. I want to work. I could make more over my lifetime than what SSDI would ever give me, and I did make more working than what SSDI would give me now. I have never fully talked about my abuse and I see now that I am older it affects me more and more. I feel like I stress over "other" things so I can keep the abuse buried. I need to have time to work on healing and my issues. When I worked I didn't sleep and would go through cycles but my employer understood, and I would only get write ups here and there for being late, not staying on task and so on. Right now I am unemployed and have started back in therapy. I hope this time it works. I am just afraid that I will give up and tell myself I need to go back to work and then the cycle repeats. Right now I am not sleeping and feel like I am going to have a heart attack all day long. I don't eat, I just live on coffee. I went back to therapy because I was having thoughts of hurting my children which really scares me.

 

[donethat]

I know its not fun, but the only way out is to talk about and "process" those painful memories. It is all those buried things that cause ptsd in the first place. For what it is worth, EMDR was my saving grace. It isn't easy....but it can change everything. Not magic but I know of no other way to change the lies we believe about, and from, our trauma. fyi. I have used emdr on a lady who had been horribly abused from age 7 on. Not advised but I knew a lot about it....and this lady was at the end of her rope....and had no place to get help, so I offered to try it over the internet (she lives in England). After about 4 sessions, it was like the light bulb switched on....she really was set free of most of her symptoms. I tell you that only that you may be encouraged. I'm not offering that. I am not a Pro. therapist etc. I agree we stress over other things in order to keep the trauma buried....and sometimes try most anything for the same reason.

I haven't slept for days either. I may rarely have anybody I can talk to....but talking is the only way out. And I am, at this point, very tired of alone. As you said , how do we find people who we can connect with. Feels like I have a label on my forehead that says..."LEPER"

One truth I have learned is I usually am capable of doing things that FEEL like...there is no way. As in, being in public (limited way), or talking to somebody ( yeah, it depends on the person).

Having said that....I am done done done for the night. More than glad to chat about anything but don't want to be intrusive.

You have many years of life yet...I don't. You need to do anything you can to get better.
Hope you get some slleep.

 

[DharmaGirl]

You can always go back to work once on SSDI. They give you 11 months, which don't have to be sequential, where you go back to work, they put your benefits on hold, and if it works out, you let them know. If it doesn't, you can go back on without re-applying. This would give you time to work on your stuff. There is no way you are responsible for Sickle Cell. It was unfortunate genetics. Are you getting SSI and medical help for your baby? It is hard to have a chronically ill baby and two other children with PTSD.

Have you taken a DBT course? That would help manage the symptoms. I would never let someone who hasn't had training in EMDR anywhere near me. It could really screw you up, especially if you have complex trauma. It is not recommended for that.

You are being so hard on yourself. Anyone, and I mean anyone, PTSD or not, would have a hard time with all you have on your plate. None of this was your fault. SSDI and SSI, were brought about for people, who through no fault of their own, needed help. That would be you and your baby.

 

[BpinkJ]

We have applied for SSI for our baby but was denied. He is 11 months old and has been hospitalized over 15 times. We are fighting but who knows what they will say. I have been holding off filing for SSDI because I don't want them to think I am money hungry. I also don't think I could handle a denial on my behalf...and then there is part of me that if I got approved buy my infant son is getting denied I would feel like a POS. He has been on IV morphine more times than any person in their whole life should be. I just talked to my old T today and would love to go back to her but she doesn't accept my insurance, so I am stuck with this new one. My job paid the co-pays weekly for my old T because I couldn't afford it. I now have different insurance. Just seems like constant slaps in the face. I was still up last night at 4am and can't get into a psyc until at least end of September. Going to call around to others today.