Supporter Need Advice!

[Sftbll2003]

Hey Guys, I'm new to the site and still learning about it.

I meet this guy and we dated for 3 months. He came on so strong during those 3 months that our relationship felt much longer. He retired from the military with PTSD and injuries but he said he was much better because he went through years of therapy (and other things that didn’t quite understand). For 3 months he would text me every morning and all throughout the day. We had our first disagreement (which I thought was just a normal disagreement) and the next day I didn’t hear from him. I called him and the first thing he told me was, “I’m done. I don’t have to take the BS, I’m done”. I tried to talk to him about it and then he said, “There is no need in trying to change my mind, I’m done.”

Although he said he was done we continued to stay on the phone and discuss the situation but he never did change his mind. Before we got off the phone he said, “Just give me some time. Why can’t you just give me time?” When we did end up getting off of the phone he said, “Say bye.” I asked, “Does this mean I will not talk to you again?” He said, “That’s what you say when you get off of the phone. It’s not goodbye, it’s just bye.” He also said several times, “If it’s meant to be, it will be.” I have called him several times just to talk and see if we can still work things out.

Sometimes he answers, sometimes he doesn’t. When he answers, he replies, “Why can’t you just leave me alone?” We also have each other’s house keys. The last time I talked to him, which was 3 days ago we talked about my job but when it came to talking about us he got aggravated and asked what I wanted him to do with my keys. I told him whatever is best him and he responded with “I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking you.” I told him I could not think about this while I’m at work because I would end up crying. He told me nicely to go ahead and work so we got off of the phone. I tried to call him back after work but he did not answer. I have not heard from him since.

A month ago he told me he loved me and a week before he ended the relationship as we were lying in bed he said, “This is your spot from now on”. I know he loves me because I can hear it his voice (even the last few times I talked to him) and I could see it in his eyes. There is a strong connection between us. We both felt. He did anything and everything for me and always put me ahead of himself, but all in a night’s time he changed his mind and said he was done. When he broke up with him, I told him this was just a rock in the road and we can get around it. I told him I wanted to be there for him no matter what. He told me his life sucks and he is not going to let me suffer with him.

Will he eventually call me back? When he says he needs his time, how long is time?

 

[kahlan]

It varies from person to person. Use that " space to keep working on you. Just know the more you push to talk while he's isolating the more likely he will be to isolate further. Intensity is the name of the game it seems at the start of a ptsd relationship. Its hard not to get caught up in it! Best wishes.

 

[Sftbll2003]

Thank You! So it is best to give him is space and time? Do I call him in a few weeks just to say hi, or do I wait for him to contact me? We had a nice 20 minute conversation last Wednesday and he said that was meaning to text me (I could hurt in his voice) but Thursday he completely ignored me and Friday is he said "I don't want to talk, why can't you leave me alone." I asked him when we hang up will I hear back from him or not, he replied, "Yeah, if I want to talk to you, I'll call you." I'm scared to even call and see how he is doing. My heart goes out to him, but I do not know the best way to handle this

 

[Mistyeyed2013]

As a supporter myself, and rather new to this myself. I'm learning that it takes a lot of patience with someone with PTSD. They will "isolate" usually after a blow up (stressor) and that can be anywhere from an hour to several days to weeks. It all depends on the person. The thing to remember (and it's hard to) is to NOT take it personally. They do this for a reason. I would wait another week or so and then call him but don't badger him with lots of questions right away. I would start off with light conversation first and feel him out. I am going through my sufferer "isolating" right now too and it brutal. Similar to your experience, we just spoke about marriage 3 weeks ago and now he won't even pick up the phone when I call. IF he replies to my texts....its "leave me alone". He eventually comes around. The isolation is to have him regroup, recharge, and during this time usually they eventually have some feelings of guilt or being ashamed for their behavior and don't know how to approach it with you. If you stick with him, know that it's a long road. Sometime I'm trying to figure out for myself. Good luck.

 

[kahlan]

I'm on month 2 of minimal contact. it gets better then worse (mines been having a WHOLE lot of crap lately that just keeps piling on. Keep yourself busy an occasional hi or thinking of you text(something that doesn't require a response) lets them know unobtrusively you care. My way is I'll send an occasional link to something funny or that I know he'll be interested in.

I'm still somewhat struggling with not latching on when he does respond, a "hey thanks" may just be that.

 

[MJ91]

This sounds just like my relationship. When I met my sufferer he was intense and charming and literally swept me off my feet. We dated for six months and then he got deployed to Afghanistan for six months. He came home the same person he was before but about a month after being home he completely changed and started to get insanely jealous over everything I did. No matter what I was doing it pissed him off and he would get so angry so quickly it was scary. I did a ton of research on PTSD and tried to understand what was going on but nothing really helped figure out how to talk to him or approach him.

About two months ago he told
Me he needed time and space to just be alone and figure things out. At that time not talking to him seemed impossible to me but just like your sufferer he would be so nasty if I tried to talk to him. Some days he would call or text me all day saying he loved me and i was his everything like nothing happened but then the next he would ignore me. During this time he also proposed to me on the phone then acted like it never happened. I've never been more confused in my life. Just two days ago he called me and told me he doesn't want me to wait for him anymore and he doesn't know what else to say. Who knows what that means or if he will change his mind again but I think this is it for me. I've never been so in love with someone but goin through this is driving me crazy and I've never felt more unwanted in my life.

The best advice I can give you is give him as much space as possible but also know your own limit. The emotional roller coaster my sufferer put me on broke me down pretty badly and I wish I could go back and not let it affect me so much. The way I see things now is that I'm going to stop focusing on helping him and start focusing on gettin back to who I was before all of this. The best way you can help him is to take care of yourself so your in a good place when he needs you.

 

[intothelight]

Welcome to MyPTSD forum!

There is an entire section for supporters that I hope you find helpful.

 

[Sftbll2003]

Thank you guys so much for your input! MJ91, I'm in the same boat as you are. I messed 3 days of work last week because I could not get myself together. I have so upset about this situation. Mistyeyed2013 I have heard the same thing, "Leave me alone", "Please just stop", "Why can't you leave me alone?" I know I have to give him some space. My heart still has hope because he did answer the phone last Wednesday and we had a good 20 minute converstation, but Thursday and Friday it was completely different. Friday he asked me about my house keys but I had to call him back after work. When I tried to call him back he did not answer. It seems like he is wanting to be control of the situation. Everything is on his terms. Right after he told me to leave him alone (on Friday) I asked if I was ever going to hear from him again or what. He replied, "Yeah, when I want to talk." Will he ever want to talk? When I talked to him last Wednesday I could tell he wished things were different. Will things get better for him? Will he think about what we had before?

 

[Mistyeyed2013]

@Sftbll2003- In my experience, the more I push to talk, the more he isolates and the more mad he gets. Isolating helps him control the situation too. If you are only 3 months in, you need to strongly reconsider whether you want to deal with this kind of person. I'm 9 months in, and in my late 30's so it might be a little different for you perhaps? I still get very frustrated. And I still have my doubts. As time goes by, my issue lately has been (maybe out of paranoia) is he speaking to someone else, seeing someone else? I can't help but wonder that. Isolation can be from everyone or only those who "stress" them out. My BF isolates from everyone in the beginning (after his blow up) and then several days later he's back to talking to his family and friends but not me. That's the thing...people who suffer from PTSD generally have a hard time with relationships....because its a "stressor" Guys can chat with their friends and keep it "light"...usually not a "stressor".

@MJ91-my BF also swept me off my feet, charming, social, joking and smiling all the time. It's almost like once they've got you hooked, then the PTSD somehow comes out. At least in my case. Then it's hard to let go because you have an emotional investment in it. Also my BF has complex PTSD which is a little different.

 

[Sftbll2003]

Mistyeyed2013, thank you for responding! I also wonder if he is someone else. I asked him if he was seeing anybody the last time we talked (last Friday, 9/27). He said, "No, but if I was it wouldn't be any of your business". When he first pushed away I asked him why push away from me and no one else? He said he was just overwhelmed and he has to do what is best for him right now (like you said a "stressor" I guess). I sent him a text yesterday explaining that I have done a lot research and read up on a lot of information and relationships that end up like ours did. I told him to take care of himself and I hope to hear from him soon. I did not get any response. How long do you go without talking to your BF? Does he call you or do check up on him? I know I have to give him his space and time, but how much space and time? I still have so many questions but this forum your responses have really helped me understand better! Thank you guys so much

 

[Mistyeyed2013]

@Sftbll2003 -I longest I've gone is about 4 weeks. But bare in mind every "sufferer" is different. Is your BF in therapy? I take it that he isn't? My BF moved in with me several months back....long story short, my dad was ill at the time (bad timing) and when he moved here he hated the area (yet loved me), his new job didn't pay well enough...all these things were "stressors" and led to his "blow up" and he took off back to NJ.At the time, I knew he suffered from PTSD but didn't really know anything about it. We didn't speak for about 4 weeks. I couldn't understand how the man who loves me up and leaves right after my father's death. I was devastated!! Having some experience with behavioral issues, when we did speak eventually I knew to not "attack" him as one would probably do. I didn't say 'how could you leave me at a time like this" or "how could you leave if you love me". It's difficult but speaking to your BF calmly and not asking direct questions helps in speaking with them. Sometimes something we would normally ask someone is seen as an "attack" by a sufferer and they feel like their pushed into a corner and in turn blow up as a defense mechanism and sometime go into isolation. It's hard because non-sufferers can't understand why they do the things they do...sometimes it just doesn't make any sense.

For me, around week 3 my BF finally responded to my texts. This is what worked for me...well up until recently. I told him that I loved him and that we could work through this.Pretty much everything I said was positive. Now bare in mind, I wanted to have the normal conversation and ask questions like "how could you leave me if you love me?" and so forth but I just couldn't. He would shut down. I told him that I did a lot of reading on PTSD and I was starting to understand it. I emailed him articles so he could read for himself about it. (It also brought comfort to me to read and learn about it). I also suggested therapy and told him that sometimes it's hard for PTSD sufferers to stay in long term relationships...relationships are "stressors" to them (sent him articles on this too) and that it would probably be a cycle he would do with the next girl and since I understood it better why couldn't we work on it. (He did have a habit of eventually pushing all of his girlfriends away and always led to breakups) . After he read the articles it was though a light bulb went on in his head. He became very interested in learning more about it and getting help. Very slowly and little by little we spoke more on the phone again and then eventually saw each other in person. Only when he's totally relaxed could he open up to me and explain how he really felt and told me that he still loved me, etc. Sometimes certain conversations you want to have can only happen when they want it to happen...it stinks.

My problem now is that he's had a setback and I feel that he has given up entirely on therapy and meds:( this is his first setback so I'm trying to convince him that he can't give up. Problem is...he's in isolation again going on 3 weeks:(

 

[MJ91]

@Mistyeyed2013 it sounds like our suffers are pretty similar. Mine has complicated grief on top of his PTSD and it definitely makes things tougher. I've been with my suffer about a year and a half so I would say I'm also invested fully, I'm just at a point where it's affecting me negatively.

For a while it seemed like he was giving me PTSD, my emotions were all over the place and I would cry over nothing, I couldn't eat or sleep and all for him to turn around in a few days to take back all of his hurtful words.

@Sftbll2003 I'm going to give you the advice I wish I had gotten when I first started seeing my sufferer: think of yourself and what you want in a partner you want a real future with. I've been dealing with the PTSD mood swings for about a year and half and it's taken a serious toll on me, if I could go back to the first meltdown I would have thought through things better. I'm not saying just give up on him but know that it's ok to be a little selfish sometimes and if you've only been with him 3 months this could be a good time to step back a little.

Now that I've been trough this I just have this mindset that what's meant to be will always be. so while my suffer breaks up with me and pushes me away I'm going to do what he wants and stay away from him and do my best to move on. If i Move on and find happiness somewhere then he lost a great thing and if he comes back before I've moved on then there is always the option to give him another chance.

The best thing you can do for your suffer while they are isolating is to take care of yourself so your not a mess every time they leave or isolate because its going to happen again. I just wish I could have known all this when I met my sufferer.