Relationship Need Another Pep Talk

[kacee129]

I read on here how everyones sufferers isolate. I wish mine would! I wish he would go away. Instead he blows up. I know when it is going to happen because it is always caused by the same triggers. I start getting that walking on eggshells feeling. I don't do well with the blow ups. I can't listen to someone rant and rave. I can't listen to someone complaining about the same people about the same things calling them names and saying he wished that person was dead. This is a person that he CAN walk away from but chooses not to, so I get angry that I have to listen to him over and over again. He will also say he hates everyone and wants everyone dead. How can someone wish another person dead? If I go to another room then he wants to know where I am and why. When I tell him I need to be in a quiet place and don't want to listen to him he says I am controlling him. That he should be allowed to yell etc. That I try to tell him what to do. Yes, regarding that one person that is a big trigger, I have told him to stop using her (she is a seamstress) and find someone else because she is not going to change. So if that is control I'm guilty. I just do no want to deal with the meltdowns anymore. There are times that he gets so angry I start wondering if I am in danger.

He is suppose to be moving out. But he doesn't follow through. I want him out of my home, but I am afraid to say anything because 1. He will get upset and then won't be able to work on his costumes. 2. He will most likely call me every name in the book. Which to me is verbal abuse and another reason why he needs to leave.

Can someone give me a pep talk, and maybe some advice on how to tell him he HAS TO LEAVE?



I

 

[Miss cptsd xx]

Firstly this sounds like an abusive relationship. I've been down the DV route which is partly why I have Cptsd.

Here in the uk you can apply for an order to remove him from your property by a set date, a court bailiff will serve him with the order and remove him from the premises. This i believe is only an option if you have a sole tenancy or the mortgage is in your name.

You can then apply for a non molestation order which does not allow that person to contact you or be within a certain proximity.

You can then start to rebuild your life.

If you need to talk you can message me, as I said I have been there and don't want to see any one suffer like I did x x

 

[RussH]

Are you in danger? This does not sound like a healthy relationship for you. Do you have any big brothers? Or male friends that can stand beside you when you ask him to leave?

The bottom line is you need to protect your own mental and physical health. You need to let him know the relationship is over, and that he needs to go.

Is he in therapy? If not, then tell him that until he gets into therapy and starts showing real signs of improving that he has to move out.

Again it is your safety you need to put first. Anything else is secondary.

 

[nursenurse]

If he won't leave, then you leave. Nothing is worth putting up with his stuff, including your life. Check with a women's shelter for advice, you have legal rights, and they will be able to steer you towards the legal insight you need to get him out of your home. Check with your local police department, anything, but he needs to somehow be out of your life before you are injured. Get your restraining order, and then follow through if he ever enters your personal space. You are stronger than you think. You can do this. Your life may well depend on it.

 

[Miss cptsd xx]

I agree @RussH .

Problem here is that she is clearly scared stiff of this man. In DV it's very hard to leave the abuser from fear of what he/she may do. I lived with my abuser for 8 years 7 of which he was violent for, and at the end I couldn't leave the house through fear.

Most abusers will also use a technique known as gaslighting. Worth having a look at.

Can you go to your family? Or a women's refuge? I really hope you are ok.

 

[amethist]

Kacee, pack his bags for him and put them outside the house. Change the locks if you have to or even get some backing for getting him out.

If I remember reading from other threads of your, this is your home and he is there by your agreement. Now is the time to tell him that agreement has now ended.

 

[Promicarus]

I think you've gotten some great advice here--foremost being that you need to be certain that you are safe, and consider yourself and your feelings first, rather than those if this individual.

I don't think there's much question that you're with an abuser, and being abused, from my perspective. And as that can easily result in PTSD related symptoms itself, protecting yourself means not "letting it go" any longer, even though your confusion and reluctance to incur such a person's wrath is understandable.

I also hope you'll hold on to your reality, know what you know, rather than letting him influence you. The fact that he tells you that you're
"trying to control him" just by leaving the room while he's ranting seems a clear case of trying to "turn it around" on you, in order to put you on the defensive, as though you're the one in the wrong, rather than he. Maybe the most common technique of manipulators.

And I've learned that such manipulation is a fairly good indicator of all-around character. I think you're right to be concerned for your safety, therefore. But I hope you'll take some of the practical suggestions made by the previous posts, and set something in motion as soon as possible, for your own sake, rather than letting it go on long enough for you to become traumatized, yourself. No one should be expected to live that way.

 

[p-no]

I have a postcard up on my wall that, I find, nails it: You can not wake someone who is not sleeping.

Have you ever considered that he does not WANT to hear you?

He WILL NOT change.

Why would he leave? He can have a nice home with you who has been accepting of his behaviour, so he's not alone and can still act out his abuse. Acceptance of something is NOT a feeling, but an action.

Get the police to get him out. Call them when he is not there. Go for a walk to call them. Call them while on the toilet. When they come, make sure his stuff goes with him and he gives back your keys. Change locks. File for a restraining order. You ARE in danger.

My view.

 

[Hashi]

It's not just about getting him to leave. It's also about not letting him back again afterwards. However upset he is, whatever he says, whatever life issue is impossible for him to deal with, whatever you start thinking, whatever you start feeling. You need to be prepared for the long term implications, not just for getting him out of the door. Him leaving isn't the end of it, it's the middle.

If you don't have the preparation and resources in place to keep him away once he's left, it can sometimes be better not to take action until you do have those in place. Otherwise there's a risk that your energy can get used up on one push out of the house, then everything that happens next happens, and back he is. You're even more tired, he's even more aggressive (because he sees the threat and is fighting harder) and the whole situation is one notch more entrenched, rather than less.

Having the longer view would also help at the point of getting him to leave. You'll be prepared for the likely reactions, and able to see a point in time beyond them rather than getting overwhelmed by them. He'll have less power in the moment, and will probably sense that too.

Separating from someone aggressive needs to be done with careful preparation and planning in order to stay safe. If there's a risk of violence, it increases if/when the other person leaves so you would need to have planned to protect yourself. Even if you're not physically at risk, I think anyone in your position is going to be psychologically vulnerable. You obviously have concern for him and feel a responsibility, and that can be very hard to balance with acting in your own best interests.

I don't mean that you're at fault. It sounds like you're caught in a dynamic that many people get caught in, and couldn't have anticipated. I also don't mean you should accept the situation. It sounds like you need to work on it actively and immediately. But getting him out of the door might not necessarily be the first step to take.

I really recommend seeing a therapist/advocate who has experience of situations like this, for advice and support.

 

[Abstract]

I have to say I am concerned for you kacee. The more I hear about this relationship the more concerned I get.

Everyone who has answered has made good points.

Where are you mentally with this now? Long term that is. Do you think you are finally ready to let go? What type of continued contact or lack of it is in your mind? Do you feel you will be tempted to let him back again if you get him to leave now? These are important questions as these things will seep out and affect his reactions.

I have to say that he sounds unstable enough that I do think you need to consider how to get him out in a way that will maintain your safety in the longer term.

Another source of potential support is local domestic violence support organisations. They may be able to advise you on timing and planning getting him out of your life. I do agree with Hashi about getting support with this.

Like others here I have been on the receiving end of behaviour like this and it is eroding. Spending too long exposed to it starts depleting the energy one needs to leave or get them to leave.

 

[kacee129]

I want to thank everyone that has replied. I had written a letter and was going to email it to him in the morning while he was at the seamstress. Maybe the chicken way, but easier than trying to talk to him face to face. Well, in the meantime this afternoon the seamstress sent a text saying she would finish the orders she had but could not take anymore as she was going to work elsewhere. When I told him he did not yell, although I knew he was on the verge. He kept calling her names and saying he wanted her dead. He even said he wanted her kids dead. I DO NOT LIKE HEARING THAT AT ALL. He started pacing and asking what he did wrong in his life that everything goes wrong. Then he said he knew it was because he killed people in VietNam. I was not responding in any way, just let him go on and on. At one point he said maybe he needed to see a priest.
I agree that the seamstress could have given more notice, but he was unhappy with her anyway.

I started thinking to myself "Oh my God, please don't let him think that he can stay". A bit later he went out to get the mail. There was a letter from Allstate and he thought it was for him (his car insurance) but then saw it was my name and gave it to me unopened. Then he said he had told his agent to use this address for his insurance because they had sent him a post card asking him to clarify where he was living.... At that point I just said "Are you no longer looking for an apartment in Vegas so you can move?" He said he was still moving and said "that's what you want isn't it?" and I said "Yes". THEN...here came the manipulation. He said he would leave as soon as possible and until then he would sleep in the garage. Then he said "and I don't want any steak" I had 2 steaks ready for the grill. I just went about my business. He went in the garage. A bit later he comes in to use the bathroom and tells me again "Don't make anything for me to eat" - and still nothing from me.

I know it is total maniupulation because I would normally tell him to stop being that way, that he can sleep in the bedroom, that he can eat. But HELL NO. I'm not playing into this. I want him to go. And I am planning to NOT take any calls, emails, or texts from him. This is not how I wanted to spend my golden years (64). I am sorry he has PTSD and what ever else, but I did not cause it. And I can't do anything for him. I CAN be a very strong person. In the past 7 years I lost both my parents, I lost 2 very dear friends, I lost my job that I had been at for 20 years, and I divorced my husband when I found out he had a girlfriend and child in another city, something he had been denying for years. I will go back to that strong person and I wil get through this.

Thank you again. And I'll probably need to come back here when/if I need another shot to the arm to help me get thru it.

 

[kahlan]

Kacee be safe and his patterns of behavior aren't going to change because its pretty clear he doesn't want them to. Do what you need to do to take care of you!!!!