Need Honest Opinion About Brother

[ghotiff]

My gut feel based on your posts in this thread, the support network you have (and the seriousness of your decision) is that if you want to make a go of it, I think you will be able to do it.

Nothing is forever and nothing is perfect. Life has so many variables, your mental state is just one of them. Maybe a thread on how parents manage their kids and PTSD might help you feel more confident.

For me, one thing I need is "me" time. My kids are around the 10ish mark, and they can give me space when I need it.

(As a disclaimer, I'm not diagnosed)

 

[PlainJane]

I think that is a good idea. I'll do a search and see what I can I find on the subject. I really do want to make a go of it. I am really glad and thankful for the support from everybody. Also for the honesty. I will really have to watch myself to see if I am up for this long term. Make sure I get a lot of outside support.

 

[ghotiff]

I really do want to make a go of it.

I'm really happy that you know what it is that you want.

I feel compelled to write this (though the other side of me desperately doesn't want to). Consider being mindful that not everyone you tell will have had the visibility of your honest soul searching for this decision and these people, if you come across as too "excited", might feel the need to give you a reality check or doubt your ability/commitment.

As such, my recommendation is to introduce your decision to others with a considered introduction stating that you have thought about this seriously etc. particularly those who might impact you ability to take on this role. I have learned the hard way that sometimes that "introduction" needs to be lengthy for them to hear it.

I hope this post reads in the supportive way I meant it.

 

[PlainJane]

I hope this post reads in the supportive way I meant it.

I think it does! ;)

I agree with you, it is wise advise. Generally I am not an assertive person, but I think I can come across as being serious and sincere. All with having his best interests in mind. I think.

 

[PlainJane]

So I have spent quite a bit of time on this. I have talked to the therapist she wants to give him more time to adjust before she makes any other decisions. Basically we are both hoping the judge doesn't allow little brother back home. If that's the case she seems to think he will improve. The idea of going back home does stress him out. So when its final it might take pressure off him.

I've placed some boundaries of my own so that way if I were to ever face them I hope to have a definite line to say that he "needs more than me" or "because of my own limits I am no longer equipped to handle this." I know that will bring up a lot of guilt and shame. It'll "prove" core beliefs if I get there. But I've also set up a plan for myself for my own care. Which will be hard to follow through for myself. I am so terrible at caring for myself. But maybe with somebody else's life dependent on my own will keep me motivated. At least until I can get truely say I value you my existence anyway.

I'm also trying to build up a network of professionals to help when/if something arises. Also working on a network of just people, which is harder but I have a couple of people.

Spent time with a family lawyer. Asked some questions but really can't do much at this point. Have to wait and see what the courts decide. I hope they don't postpone again.

I have about a week of preparation left. Any last minute advise or suggestions?

 

[Justmehere]

Wow, excellent work!

If 1/10th of all the kids like your brother could be cared about like you have cared about him, and they were cared about for 1/10th of the time you have cared for him so far... it would change so many lives.

There is a good chance things will get better has he and you get settled into a new routine, especially if there is no more risk of him going back to his mother. I hope the court hearing goes well. :hug:

 

[PlainJane]

I hope that's true. We shall see how it goes! :)

 

[ghotiff]

Good luck !

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hope the courts do not post pone again because that is so stressful on you. I hate suspense and not knowing but I realize it is a part of life.

It sounds like you are so prepared and are doing so well. I am rooting for you and crossing my fingers.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm also trying to build up a network of professionals to help when/if something arises.

This. I'm glad you are doing this. Make sure the list is long, and ready to go. As you acknowledged, it's likely 'when' not 'if', and once things are rolling it is infinitely harder to cope with what's going on with him while managing yourself AND looking for help.

Do not hesitate. The more you allow reaching out for professional help to be normal, the more normal it will be for him. I'm really glad to read you have boundaries - and please remember that with mental health, the time to look for help is about two weeks before you get to the boundary line, at least. In other words, when you suspect you might need to get an outside voice involved - that's when to go. That's not the point where you then start watching more closely.

If I remember right, he is set up with a therapist. Can you add some time to that as family therapy? Or, if that's not right for the situation, please make sure you have all the right resources to easily and calmly re-inforce the therapy. You could schedule a few sessions with his therapist in order to role play certain types of situations/conversations that the therapist is anticipating will happen.

None of this is because you are supposed to be his caregiver - you're his support. So make sure you don't accidentally put yourself in the position of being his last remaining line of defense. Keep supporting him through providing treatment options and letting them be a part of your lives. Some things can be fun, too. Try taking a class together, yoga, meditation, art....

I'd encourage you to get these kinds of structures completely researched, listed, and ready to go.

 

[PlainJane]

Can you add some time to that as family therapy?

Yes we have some of his time devoted to family therapy. Which I'm thankful for. I speak with his therapist regularly, in regards of ways I can manage certain situations. I'm sure she thinks I'm crazy.

None of this is because you are supposed to be his caregiver - you're his support.

Can you clarify this? I want to make sure I'm on the same page.

Some things can be fun, too. Try taking a class together, yoga, meditation, art....

That's a good idea too! I try to take every opportunity I can for "family time." But I never thought about anything organized with therapeutic benifits. I'll see what I can come up with there.

Thanks

 

[joeylittle]

Can you clarify this? I want to make sure I'm on the same page.

Yeah, I didn't write that too well. What I meant was, you aren't on his treatment team. It's not your job to actually manage crises in quite that way. You are there to love and support him, and provide awesome parenting, which includes reinforcing all the things he's learning about, but doesn't need to extend to teaching him about them. If you think about it from your own POV as a sufferer, it might make more sense. If you had a family member living with you (I can't remember if you do), would you want them to tell you how to do grounding? Not really. You'd want them to be there if you need them while you ground. Or to drive you to your therapists. There are some things you'd never want to talk with them about, and other things you'd want them to just talk with you about like a person, not like a mental heath person.

Does that make sense? Where I'm coming from is knowing the pitfalls I fell into trying to help my younger brother, who has serious mental health issues, and between the two of us we've probably taken every medication and tried every therapy there is (not exactly, but you get the point). Still, what never worked well was me trying to be his peer support. He just needed a big sister.

Does that make more sense? It's so easy to take on too much, and much better to reach out for help, that's all.