Need support - tired

[Bloomy]

Warning messy and confused post ahead:

I thought of after writing this that I suffer from catastrophy thinking. Now that things seem to go pretty well Im just waiting for the big bang and my life yest again to go to hell.
Like I didnt deserve to have a good life.
Like I was ment for misery.
So I guess I get tired to fight all this toughts in addition to now having a pretty normal life again.

I guess all changes are tiresome. Ive been doing some real changes towards healing or getting a better life after joining here. I even took some examens and got a part time job.

Now I feel tired. Its like when I was still more down I hid my feelings for what I want for myself. Now the feelings comes up. Im living a life. And its hard. Almost as I wish my self back to the poor me victim status...
Its overwhelming with all the responsiblity and all the tasks to clear my messed up life.

Also it takes it toll that life of course doesnt comes with guaranties. All this insecurity also makes me tired.
Im scared. Of the present. And of the future.
Im scared that I will not be able to pull this through.
Trying to take a day at the time. One hour. One second. I guess its all I can do.

I guess on days like this what I could have needed is friends. Or just a friend. To call and to assure me Ill be ok. Im doing ok. I dont have. So Im trying to comfort my self and go easy and steady.

Im scared that this time around I wont make it without support. I didnt the last time I tried to get on my feets. So I fell pretty badly.

Is it just tiresome to do changes? Is there any light in the end of this tunnel?

 

[Tricie]

Hi Bloomy,
I am new to this site and I am sorry that you are having a difficult moment right now.
Yes sometimes change is difficult because it's the unknown. If in the past you were used to being a victim; your mind and body have probably succomed to those feelings of despair and now when you try to pull yourself up and move forward your mind is probably used to the feelings of being under despair.
I think you are making the proper steps by processing things one moment at a time.
Try to set small goals for yourself each moment of the day and don't be to hard on yourself if you don't accomplish them right away.
Also, are you currently seeking therapy outside of the group?
Please take care of yourself.

 

[Bloomy]

@Tricie welcome as a newbie then :)

Cant afford therapy unfortunately. Im on my own. Yeah I can see the things you are saying.

I wrote some more on the post now cause after writing it I figured out Im to used to catastrophy thinking. Ie what you call despair. Kind of the same thing. Thats what makes me scared I guess. And my mind seems to fight to have a normal life and wether Im worth it or not. Little like the precious thing from Lord of the Rings....

Its just.... Wearing me out on some days like today.

Ill try to eat and try to go for run and see if my mind clears up atleast a little.

 

[Tricie]

I hope it does and I know it's easier said than done but please allow yourself to feel happiness. I am sure at first it's going to feel uncomfortable but just remember you deserve it.
Good luck!

 

[Tricie]

I hope it does and I know it's easier said than done but please allow yourself to feel happiness. I am sure at first it's going to feel uncomfortable but just remember you deserve it.
Good luck!

 

[Tricie]

I hope it does and I know it's easier said than done but please allow yourself to feel happiness. I am sure at first it's going to feel uncomfortable but just remember you deserve it.
Good luck!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You are creating a life for yourself no small accomplishment so things will feel off until you adjust and adapt to the new changes in your life, and it takes time and effort. Being on the forum and reaching out for help and support goes a long way if you do not have friends. It gets lonely but you can always come on here and get inspired by those that are doing the same things you are.

I also awfullize and I am trying to break this bad habit.