Need Your Opinion And Experience

[Danny]

Hi there,
I am really interested in hearing your non-professional (or professional) opinion about my current situation. I have of course seen a couple of professionals, but I would really appreciate your opinion because you have some actual experience with post traumatic stress.

First of all I apologize for my grammar and language. English is not my first language. So please bear with me and try not to take my wordings too literally - sometimes I can't find the right word.

Ok, my story is below. What I would like to hear from you is if you recognize anything from your own experiences with PTSD? Because the doctor have been a bit reluctant to calling my condition PTSD. And I feel that I am left in a void where I've just "had a traumatic experience" (to quote the doctor) and that's it. It's not like I need a label such as PTSD, but I think that it would be helpful to know if my condition is something like PTSD in order to deal with it the right way. Because just knowing that I've had some bad experiences doesn't really help me. My personal gut feeling is that I have a mild form of PTSD, but I don't even know if there is such a thing as a "mild form". I know that a lot of you guys have had some really horrible experiences and I won't even try to compare my story to yours. Maybe I don't have PTSD at all but am just not feeling so well. So in case you think that I am just being a crybaby I apologize in advance.

Well here goes...

I am a male, 31, and have had a happy life with no problems of any kind.

At the end of 2009 I met a woman and we began dating. I soon realized that she was not the right girlfriend for me, because we didn't really understand each other and I felt that she acted a bit weird. So in march 2010 I broke up with her which felt very right. We had treated each other nice, so she insisted that we should still be friends which I accepted.

She was however very sad, and I felt sorry for her. The sadness continued and I began suspecting that she had a severe depression. I knew she had a depression some years before I met her. So I tried to comfort her and help her with groceries and so on. Then one day during a normal conversation she suddenly freaked out and wanted to run out the door. I stopped her and she was all tears. I couldn't get through to her and she just held her hands to the head and shouted "no, no, no". I held her in my arms and after a while got her to say what was going on: Her mind was filled with suicidal thoughts.

I got her to stay at my house and sat beside her during the night. I was afraid to leave her for a second because her condition was horrific. Her suicidal condition continued the next day and I wanted to call someone, but I didn't know how to contact her family or anyone else. So I just tried to get her to eat and drink and so on. It continued the next day, and I was pretty much afraid to sleep or even go to the toilet because she threatened to jump in front of a car or run to her own house and hang herself. I tried to convince her to let me take her to the hospital, but she wouldn't. So I just continued. I hid away all my kitchen knives and everything else dangerous she might find. Her mood began to change and she went from aggressive to passive to a really creepy condition where she smiled and laughed. It went on for 7 days and nights and finally I got her to go to the hospital with me. At the psychiatric department they didn't want to keep her overnight because they didn't feel that she was in immediate danger. Looking back I should of course have insisted, but I didn't and just accepted to take her back and care for her. So it went on for the weekend after which I took her to her own doctor who thought that she was depressed and gave her an anti depressant. We agreed that she should go to her family and stay for a couple of weeks while recovering. So I left her and thought that everything was ok and that someone else would care for her now (her doctor, her family etc).

But it wasn't over. It had only just begun. During the next months (april, may, june, some of july) she kept contacting me. Every time it started out nice and normal. She would for example drop by for a cup of coffee or call me on the phone. But during the conversation things would become dramatic and a lot of times she ended up directly or indirectly threatening with suicide. I would then leave my home or work and try to find her to stop her from hurting herself. Each and every time I was struck with fear and it was all I could think of. Work and everything else was not important because a life was in danger. I for example took her down from a bridge where she wanted to jump and so on. I was afraid pretty much all the time because I felt that she was in a life threatening situation and that it was my responsibility to stop anything from happening. I told my brother about what was going on, and he told me to pull back from her and he believed that she was severely mentally ill, which I didn't believe at the time.

She began to contact me with all kinds of problems - not just suicidal thoughts. She would for example say that someone had offended her in some way. It hurt me a lot because I felt that she was already a victim and a person who needed help. So I got more worried about her. There were a lot of incidents and she started to claim that she was physically ill and had a lot of pain. For a week or so she almost couldn't walk because of these pains and I stayed at her some days to help her out. Finally she was brought to the hospital where she wanted me to visit her every day. The doctors did all kinds of tests and even went to surgical procedures but they couldn't find anything. Finally she left the hospital, but she insisted that she was still having awful pains. Some days later she called me and told me that the reason for the pains was a failed pregnancy / miscarriage. I had been her only boyfriend for years so it implied that I was the almost-to-be father, which made it even more of a shock to me. However for it to be true the birth control should have failed and three gynecological examinations plus two weeks of hospital examinations and tests should have failed. And the symptoms would have been different from the ones she had. But at the time I believed it and I was devastated.

Things went on and at different occasions we talked about not seeing each other because knowing her controlled my life and I was afraid all of the time: Afraid that she would call and afraid that she would be hurt or die. But every time I got her to promise that she wouldn't call me for the next couple of days, she still did. The crazy episodes, suicide threats and lies continued and at one point she even told me that she had been attacked and raped a couple of days before. I was shocked and miserable and I hoped that it wasn't true, but I couldn't bring myself to thinking that she might be lying about such a horrible thing. I told her to go with me to the police, bu she said that the crime had already been reported. I didn't really sleep for the next couple of days thinking about the awful crime that had been committed. My brother said that he believed the whole story to be a lie, and I had to admit that some things just didn't add up in her story. So I ended up talking to the police, the court and so on to find out if the rape had really happened and after several weeks of letter writing and bureaucracy I got the information I needed: Nothing had been reported and the details I had been told was simply impossible. So now I knew for sure that she was lying to me and I could get a bit of sleep again knowing that while she was mentally ill (which I acknowledged by now) no one treated her badly or harmed her in any way.

Some time after that I managed to get her to agree that we shouldn't see each other anymore. And she seemed to take it seriously this time. She gave me some things she had borrowed from me and I was relieved for the first time in months. Two days later she contacted me, which I ignored. I changed my phone number and I later received a couple of letters from her which I also ignored. She started going the places I usually go, so I stopped going there. She also started seeing some of my friends (not the close ones - they stay away from her), so I stopped seeing them. It has been almost two months since I've seen her, but I'm not ok. I feel on edge most of the time, and I look over my shoulder. When I walk on the street I am on constant lookout for her, even in places where she probably wouldn't be. I have problems falling to sleep and my thoughts keep going and going.

Having felt this way for a month I finally went to the doctor. The doctor told me that I have had a traumatic experience and that I could see a psychologist if I wanted. I wanted to feel better so I went to see the psychologist. I have now had six sessions with the psychologist and she too says that I've had a traumatic experience. She tries to get me to think about something else and to relax. But I feel that I'm already doing these things as good as I can, and I feel that I'm just being told to calm down and to distract my mind like you would tell a child that's upset about something silly.

The situation really hasn't changed a lot. One or two times a week I have nightmares which I haven't really had since I was a child. Roughly half the time my thoughts revolve around what has happened or what's going to happen. I am on alert the whole time and every day I think about moving to another country to get away from the things that reminds me of my ex-girlfriend and the incidents. I would have to quit my job and leave my native country, friends, family and everything else, but I am willing to do it to find peace.
I have somehow become very sensitive towards everything that has to do with crime, mental illness, promiscuity, rape and so on, and I don't even like reading the news anymore. I get reminded about everything by a lot of things and I stay away from a lot of places and people. I am able to laugh when I watch sitcoms on the TV, but it doesn't really cheer me up, and I don't laugh when it's over. My mood is pretty low all the time, and when I'm not feeling anxious / nervous I am very tired. I don't have a lot of mental energy and I have even noticed myself getting really annoyed at video games which would normally just be fun and relaxing. I hope to meet a loving and mentally stable woman at some point, but I keep catching myself in thinking that most people are either crazy or morally corrupt. I know that it probably isn't true, but I honestly feel that I will probably never meet anyone who is just sweet, good hearted and normal. I have begun noticing all the bad things in the world, and somehow I feel that I just don't belong here. I want peace and I would do anything to keep getting reminded about the ugly things. If I could erase the year 2010 from my memory, I would do it without hesitation.

I am sorry that I ended up writing so much. I still feel that I haven't told half of it. But I am very interested in hearing if you recognize any of this - or if my situation is entirely different from what you know.

I know that most of you aren't doctors and even those of you who are can't diagnose from a written account. So don't worry - I won't "take it as a diagnose" if some of you think that I might or might not have PTSD. But still I would really like to hear what you think about the whole thing. It pretty much fills my life so any input is appreciated. Thanks.

Dan

 

[TLight]

From what I know about the criteria for PTSD and having experienced it since I was 29 (I'm now 45), it sounds to me like you should listen to your psychologist. You've been involved with someone who has definately added tremendous amounts of stress to your life, and of course you are going to have a reaction to that. But PTSD is something more than that (unfortunately). You need to process and feel your feelings, but to me this sounds more like PTS--a more temporary response that doesn't do permanent damage to your brain.

Keep talking with your psychologist and try your best to take care of yourself. I believe you can and will, with assistance put these bad experiences behind you and go on to lead a happy and fulfilling life.

 

[Danny]

Wow, that was a really fast reply. I appreciate that so much. Thank you a million! :-)

I didn't even know that there was a PTS without a D.
But that makes me so happy that I've posted here. Every input is very valuable to me and I probably have a lot to learn!

 

[amethist]

Hi Danny

Welcome to the forum.

TLight is correct Danny. Keep talking to your therapist, this way you can probably stop it developing into anything more than it is now. You really do not want this diagnosis if at all possible, PTS is curable so keep at it, look after yourself and you should be OK.

You can read about different ways to help yourself on the "Home Page", the Stress articles may help you understand how this is effecting you.

Take care and keep well.

Amethist

 

[anthony]

Hi Danny... I agree that you have endured trauma, however; not for PTSD itself. Saying that, you seem to absolutely be fitting with some anxiety. I get it, she is basically stalking you and she is behaving in a completely inappropriate manner. You have to be careful, and you have done the right thing by completely distancing yourself, because this person was going to drag you down much further than she already has. What she is doing is basically, "help me, but I won't let you". This is very normal with someone who has suffered trauma, they will pull you close and be quite normal, but then they will push you away so that you feel compelled to come even closer to them. Very dangerous stuff and glad to took the right approach by simply removing yourself.

I would say that maybe you need to just get on with living your life again now, and if you happen to see her, face her, stop hiding from her. Tell her straight to her face and continue walking away... there is zero interest and you are not her friend. She will try and push your friends away from you, etc... and if she accomplishes with any, then they are not truly your friend and you need new ones. If it gets worse... seek a restraining order of type so she knows your serious.

I would aim more around the general anxiety area right now... fight the fear now though, as you have done so well at getting it out, from the sounds of things, also taking control again, but still your only main issue is that you have let her win if you continue hiding from her. Standup to her, tell her to leave you alone and walk away. Be assertive, not aggressive or passive, and you will prevail quickly. You cannot feel guilty for this person, because she is toxic from the sounds of it and her only aim is to drag anyone around her down to her level.

 

[Danny]

Hi Amethist

Thanks a lot. I'll take a look at the home page articles!

I'd rather not have any diagnosis at all; PTS, PTSD or anything else - I just want to be calm and happy like I used to be ;-). But experiencing the helplessness and despair in dealing with a schizophrenic and suicidal person and feeling that her life was literally in my hands for months has certainly done something to me. It took me more than a month of not seeing her to admit to myself that I was not OK. One day my friends told me that they had talked about me having changed. That made me realize how the whole thing affected me every single day and night. So I reluctantly decided to go to the doctor. I had almost never been to the doctor's since I have always been blessed with good health, so it was quite hard for me to go.

Thank you for your kind response. I try to take care and look after myself and I know that it is most important when you are not feeling well. I try to eat properly and get out of the house to jog or do something, and I also try to get the best sleep I can. But I can feel that it takes some willpower especially to go outside or to social gatherings. And there are places I simply won't go.

I hope and think that it'll be better and that it just takes some time. I guess I'm just being impatient and want to know more about what's happening to me and when it is going to stop. I feel that I have lost half a year of my life, and I guess that it has been exactly the same way for about two months now. The only thing changed is that I am beginning to getting a bit used to this condition. That doesn't mean that I feel any better - it just means that I am more familiar with how I am. But I hope and believe that things will be better.

I am sorry if all this just sounds like whining over nothing. I know that most of you guys have been in some awful situations and I feel really bad to bug you with my problems that are probably small compared to yours. The reason I found this forum was that I was surfing the web looking for answers. I started writing down my own symptoms and realized that I was behaving a lot like an acquaintance of mine who is a veteran from Iraq. I actually thought about speaking with him, but I decided to find some answers on my own because what I have been through must seem so insignificant compared his experiences. I hope you can forgive me for bugging you and probably being ignorant about a lot of things.

Dan

 

[Danny]

Hi Anthony,

Thanks a lot for your answer. It took me a long time to reply to Amethist, so I think you wrote at the same time ;-). I'll write you an answer for for your kind reply below.

Dan

 

[Danny]

Hi Anthony,

I read your post a couple of times, and I think that you hit some very essential points here.
The problem in relation to your very rational and good advice is that this is what I would do if I had been involved with a more "normal" person. But this woman (and I care for her) is schizophrenic and extremely unpredictable (except for her having delusions and suicidal thoughts - that's predictable). So I feel that I can't stand up to her. I'm afraid of what would happen, and I'm especially afraid that it would end the same way as the other times I have had contact with her: She would tell me something awful like she would commit suicide or that someone had been hurting her, and I would be 95% sure that it wasn't true. But I wouldn't be 100% sure and therefore I would end up in a situation like the ones where I felt that her life and safety was in my hands even though I absolutely don't want it. And perhaps I would have to climb up on bridges and physically hold on to her and so on like I have done before. And I don't think I can do that. The very thought makes me almost panic and I get memories of the different situations that I try to forget.

And that is perhaps my point, if I have one: I'm not really afraid of facing anyone, and my whole life I haven't been afraid of anything or ran away from anything: What I want avoid is mainly the memories. Luckily some of it it just a big blur, but some of the situations and some of the things she said just haunts me. I know it sounds silly because nothing happened - no one got hurt. And I don't really blame myself because I can say to myself that I did the right thing and that I haven't done anything to anyone. But the more crazy situations still bugs me. I remember myself hurrying through traffic one time and actually breaking the law which is very unlike me. But she had told me on the phone that she was going to end it all and I felt that every second counted and that the whole world around me was unimportant. Just a simple situation like that seems so surreal to me when I remember it, and it makes me anxious (I don't know if that's the precise word) when I get reminded of it.
Hope it makes sense. I really appreciated your post Anthony.

Dan

 

[Danny]

Ok, I've been reading a lot on this site and other sites and I have learned a lot. I am not really writing this to anyone specific, but perhaps someone will find this thread and relate to some of it.

I am still confused about what is happening to me. I don't need a label - and especially not PTSD - but it would be really helpful to know what's happening so I might take the right precautions and move on. I know exactly what feelings and thoughts I am having and why I am having them. But I need to know why they are so persistent and strong. Because right now I've been having problems for some months and the symptoms have been unchanged for about two months. The doctor and the psychologist have told me that I have been traumatized, but that doesn't really help me - I know and accept that. The psychologist is trying to get me to relax and think about something else but I can't help but being stressed most of the time. I can't just tell myself to relax, and I'm having regular nightmares and so on. A lot of things is going on (bad memories - not in the form of hallucinations, constant reminders, anxiety, bad mood, hopelessness, fast heartbeats, shaking hands, trouble falling to sleep, nightmares, periods of tiredness etc.).

From what I read - and this is the point - I agree that it appears to be a case of acute stress disorder (ASD - in some places called Post Traumatic Stress, PTS). But I can assure you that the part saying that acute stress disorder lasts for a minimum of 2 days, and a maximum of 4 weeks is false: I have been experiencing the exact same symptoms for two months and an unknown amount of symptoms before that. The reason I don't exactly know which symptoms I experienced before that is that during the previous months I was in the stressful situation that caused all this. And during that period of time I was so stressed and horrified that I didn't really take notice of anything else than the awful situation itself. What I am trying to find out now is how and when things will change. I am pretty much willing to do anything to be able to relax and be happy once again. And although I know that time changes a lot of things I am of course a bit impatient and want to see a sign that my condition is changing. But until now I haven't really seen any signs of improvement, and that kind of worries me and makes me even more impatient.

If anyone have experienced similar symptoms of acute stress disorder for a period of two months or more I would really appreciate any input. I would especially like to hear how their symptoms diminished, what they did and how long it took for them to return to a normal and non-stressed state.

Dan

 

[bluecat]

Hi Danny,

definitely talk to your therapist, but if you don't feel like you're getting the help you need, look around, you don't have to see just that one therapist. Maybe you could try to find a psychiatrist who's clinical interests involve anxiety disorders and psychopharmacology. It might reassure you to have a second professional opinion about your condition. Also, if you're worried about developing PTSD, there are things that can be done to prevent the process. I am not a professional trained in psychiatry, I know this only bcs I work in a teaching hospital and we have a department that studies PTSD development, and having PTSD, I obviously follow what goes on in there.

Also, don't forget, that maybe you are just scared, because the situation is scary and its telling you to act. I'd think that being stalked is pretty scary. She doesn't sound schizophrenic, she sounds more like what Anthony said - a severely traumatized person and potentially dangerous. I think you're absolutely right about cutting off any contact and that she would escalate the situation if you tried to confront her. But that doesn't mean that you're powerless, you can rally the support of your friends and family, and you can apply for a restraining order against this person. It might sound calous to you, but its not actually healthy for her to think that she can violate your boundaries and it is a concrete step you can take to protect yourself and feel safer.

Best of luck.

 

[Danny]

Hi bluecat,

Thanks a lot for your kind response. I appreciate it so much.
Regarding the woman I told you about, I honestly can't say 100% for sure that she is schizophrenic. But I know that her sister lives in a psychiatric institution and that she has severe mental illness on both her father's and mother's side. She has spent her late youth in an institution too, and I am pretty sure that she isn't traumatized but has a mental illness, probably schizophrenia or at least a severe case of borderline personality disorder. I have seen her psychotic some times and I know for a fact that she has many delusions. But I am not a doctor, so I should just stick with only saying that I know how she's been behaving - not why.

That being said, I'll keep talking to the psychologist. Although I didn't really fancy the idea of seeing a psychologist and although I don't think that the sessions have changed a great deal, I am still a rational person and know that I need to give it a chance. I know that I haven't got anything to lose in seeing a psychologist (except money, but money is no object). So I'll keep doing it. And if I end up thinking that this psychologist can't do anything for me at all, I'll follow your good advice and try seeing someone else - perhaps someone who is specialized in these areas.

I have considered applying for a restraining order some time ago, but I haven't got anything that the police would take seriously. The woman has been putting notes in my mailbox and attended public places where I would normally go - that's all. And I don't think that's something the police would take very seriously. I suspect that they might even think that I am the one being crazy, and that's actually something that has been bugging me a lot. I know for sure that I'm not the least bit crazy and I simply refuse to accept a situation where someone (the police, my friends, my family, anyone) would think that I am mentally ill. I am not.
A number of times I have said to myself that things would have been a lot easier if she had just attacked me physically. Then from the beginning it would be obvious to everyone - including myself - that I had been hurt and that she should stay away from me. I know that it is an awful thing to wish for and that it probably sounds atrocious to anyone who has actually been attacked physically, but I must admit that I have wished for that a number of times. Because during the whole chain of events there has been a subtle understanding (from me and from other people) that no one has actually hurt me. But nevertheless I am just broken somehow.

Dan

 

[Inouk]

I will not respond by saying I either understand or feel for you. I will only say this: When I joined this forum in April 2010, all I wanted to know is if I could actually suffer from secondary PTSD. I was so freaking worked out and down, I was not sure what felt right or wrong anymore. And with three young ones under my wing, I felt I was losing it altogether. I am a carer. My partner is a severe combat PTSD man of honour. We have been together for more than 3 years.

An angel here told me to look after myself. Another one told me that perhaps I was depressed and needed medical help. As it turned out, I was already sick. I was hospitalised the following week (after joining this site) for an atypical pneumonia which almost killed me. I was there for 3 weeks, had surgery and most likely died in my sleep due to severe dysphasia (apnée).

I was on short term disability and am now on long term. I should resume back to work end of October. I am a senior manager in a Corporate + Legal Affairs division of a highly known Pharna cie. I have launched SSRI’s indications for PTSD. I thought I knew all about PTSD but good grief, knew NOTHING. NIET!

All this to say PLEASE stop it. Look after yourself. Do not let anyone-mainly yourself- get dragged into anything unhealthy. You will only get hurt. It takes TWO TO TANGO in a relationship with or without PTSD. I made it through only because he was willing to dance. My partner got it and calmed down. My kids are fine. I today get only hugs and kisses for it is the only key left for all of them to reach me or should I say, the only key they have that allows them to be with me. Although my kids are my priority, this is the boundary I had to strike with ALL OF THEM in order to stay alive and healthy. Period.

Good luck Dan. Kindest regards,
Inouk.