Needing A Safe Place

[spero]

I am pretty sure I was a member here once. I don't last long on forums for some reason. I guess they never really give me what I am looking for in most cases.

I really am trying to just connect with people, safe people, people who understand, and really want a safe place where I can talk about things and get feedback from those who get it.

I have struggled with PTSD my entire life pretty much. I started out with depression at an early age, but it came to a head at 13 which led to 10 years of self harm, a few suicide attempts and hospitalizations (three times at 14 and once at 17).

I tried several meds which did nothing. One made me gain a lot of weight which then triggered anorexia (some purging and overexercising mixed in) for eight years. I ultimately ended up in treatment after wanting/trying to take my own life because I couldn't get help in my own country.

I managed to do okay with the PTSD stuff for the last three years since going through treatment, but I've recently moved in with a sibling where things are not going well. I've lived with her on and off for most of my life, but she's going through stuff right now that is affecting me a lot (drinking, people over often, things happening in the house I do not want to, etc.). I can't get out on my own because it costs too much and I do not want to live with a stranger, so this is where I am stuck. We bought the place together, so I'm here for 5 years.

As for my past and what caused the PTSD, it was a lot of things. A very chaotic household growing up. My first stepdad was an alcoholic. There was family violence. I also experienced s**ual abuse on and off from 5-10 or so years old. It all caused major dissociation which is linked to the PTSD...which took on a life of its own for many years. That has been ok for the last few years as well...unless I get really stressed or depressed and cannot 'escape' from what is going on externally.

I was hoping when I moved in here that things would go good for me..that I would keep going forward with my recovery. It's doing the opposite though.

We moved in together because she was with a guy who was sociopathic. He assaulted me years ago..took advantage of me and that was a huge mess. They stayed together for eight years in total and I lived with them on and off during then. I had nowhere else to go...and lived in two group homes for four months each, but had to move back in with them because they made things a lot worse for me.

A year ago he also did something to violate me in a huge way (no assault this time), and it just added to my PTSD and paranoia...and mistrust of men.

I have had my boundaries crossed in every way, shape, or form. The more I try to put them up regarding my sister, the more I am made to feel wrong, bad, and stupid. I am struggling lately because I feel myself slipping and have no idea how to deal with the current situation.

So, this is kind of the short version of things....

 

[Sammy]

Welcome to the forum! I haven't been a member long but I have found this to be the best ptsd site I have found. The people here have been supportive and definitely understand.

Good luck!

Sammy

 

[amethist]

Hi spero

Welcome to the forum.

A place full of people who want a safe place, a place to feel understood, as well as a place to find answers to questions no one else seem to know.

I hope you can find some way to keep going, and a way to move on and find a calmer place to live in time.

Take care and good luck.

Amethist

 

[Jubilation4Me]

Hi spero,

I hope that you can find some peace here. I feel safe here and have been able to learn alot of valuable things to help me with my problems. Welcome, and I hope you are able to work through some of your issues and find safety and security within the forum.

Take care,
J4M

 

[AvoidanceRulez]

Please DON'T feel bad regarding boundaries with the one that was with someone that violated u. I was violated by my older sisters fiance when I was a minor and he was an adult when my biological mother and step father were gone for the weekend(trust me, i NEVER woulda fantasized about having sex with that munchkin).

It's not your place to take care of your siblings. You said that you were doing well in therapy UNTIL you moved in with a sibling. Then you said her significant other violated you and she still stayed with him for 8 years? Does she acknowledge he did anything to you? Do you think you subconsciously chose to move in with her to avoid dealing with issues or to go back to the old?

The most empowering book I ever read on Fa***ly dysfunctionalism: The F*mily by John Bradshaw
Another good book...Evil: Inside Human Violence and Cruelty by Roy Baumeister.
Great quote that I've found extremely empowering: That which does not kill me makes me stronger---Nietzsche

I wish I had the $ to see a shrink right now. I'm too broke to pay attn and aint got no insurance

 

[MsLadyT]

Hi Spero, It was hard for me and boundaries also. I remember sitting in an ACOA meeting (adult children of alcoholics) and there were about 40 there in the meeting. The subject was boundaries. We were sitting in a large circle, I was next to the person who headed that particular meeting up, and they started around the circle the opposite way of me (thank goodness!!) I kept hoping to pick up what a boundary WAS !!! Everyone just talked about how hard it was with this or that person, situation, you know, sort of general stuff for that week. Then it came to me ...all eyes and ears on me...and I had to ask.."ok, what is a boundary?"

Everyone laughed but not AT me, sort of WITH me. Even recognizing what a boundary is, and feeling when one has been stomped on once we know they are there, is so hard to speak up about. I know one thing that helped me a lot was roll playing, usually with a therapist, but sometimes, once I got into it, I would ask a trusty friend (seems like back then I had many more) and we would work on a certain subject.

I guess I would feel if I owned half a house, the objects of homeowning is to have your own safe place and be able to live as you wish. Is it possible to come to some sort of meeting of the minds? Meet with a third party who might be able to lend support, and some guidance, and hear both sides? Come up with some ground rules?

I guess I would also feel I would have the right to sell my half of the investment if things got bad. No one should live in fear in their own home, most of us here I would bet, grew up with it, and we need to not live in the same atmosphere in order to retreat, rest, reflect, rest....all of that.
I wish you all the best in coming to some type of agreement with your sibling. I know this is probably a good place to get all the help support and suggestions you could try. One of the easiest to follow books I have read is called 'When I say No I feel Guilty" It so old you could probably get it for 74 cents off Amazon! It gave me ten easy to follow ways of dealing with someone who was being aggressive and stepping all over me! I picked three, and was able to use them even under real pressure with a few family members who were at the time, still very threatening. Bradshaw's book is terrific too. Very good. I wish I had read it before I went to that ACOA meeting!
Hope all this has been of some help. I am glad you are here.

 

[Tinyflame]

MsLadyT,

Whom are you thinking of as regards a "third party"? Can you give me some examples?

Thanks-

 

[cherryblossom]

Hi spero,

I just wanted to welcome you to the forum, I hope this place feels safe enough for you to interact and stick around to get the support you would like. I've been on several forums in the past, and this is by far the friendliest and most helpful I've come across.

Welcome,
CB

 

[AvoidanceRulez]

this is definitely the friendliest forum I've come across...as far as helpfulness though, I'm not all that receptive to that and probably am in no place to assess which sites are helpful and which aren't..but this definitely iz the friendliest

 

[spero]

My sister blamed me with the first episode that happened with her ex boyfriend. She said that I was an adult and it takes two, even though I was intoxicated and mentally not really there. I tried to explain to her about dissociation on top of all of the other stuff, but she never understood it, so I was forced to 'take responsibility' for my actions...even though he knew I was both drunk and not in a good mental state even prior to that incident.

I moved in with her because financially I had no other options. I had previously lived in two group homes which made me a lot worse, I do not know anyone I could move in with (strangers are a huge no), and I cannot afford to live on my own, otherwise I so would be.

I think I might have actually read that book by John Bradshaw, or Healing the Shame that Binds you, I think. I will look into that, thanks.