Needing some hugs

[MamaHopeful]

I have been in therapy (a combo of CPT and ER) and honestly it's been really hard but I have not had a sleepless night in SO LONg.

These nights are filled with my biggest cognitive distortions that I can't seem to shake yet. Thoughts that say, "If you don't sleep you will end up commited to an insane asylum and drugged beyond belief..." "This will never end. You will never sleep again."

I have a hyperarousal thing my body does sometimes. I fall asleep and begin to dream and then POW a huge rush of adrenaline floods in. Every 2-4 minutes. All. Night. Long.

"This time you've really broken your nervous system for good. No use doing the work anymore. It's hopeless."

Blech.

I have taken a bath and done breathing and had some snacks.

I just need a hug. And to know I'm not alone with this.

Yesterday morning one of my daughter's teachers went missing. He lives in my neighborhood which is my "safe place." He turned up last night dead of suicide.

My brain instantly had a panic attack and said, "You are that bone that keeps breaking! You will not be able to handle another trauma/anxiety trigger like this. It's too much. You are too weak from all the previous trauma."

The spiral of hopelessness can reallllly do a number on me sometimes when I have nights like this in my recovery.

Thank you for being here.

 

[bellbird]

Sending many many many hugs. :hug::hug:
You aren't alone in this.

I'm currently lying in my bed, in the dark, unable to sleep. So you really aren't.


I'm so so sorry about your daughter's teacher's suicide. Gosh that would absolute be rattling, particularly in your neighbourhood safe space.

Perhaps we need to reconfigure your safe space, if only temporarily.
My safe space is my blanket fort in my bed, reinforced with pillow ramparts.
Maybe we can make something similar for you? So that you know that even if awful awful things happen in your neighbourhood, you're still safe.


P.S. your distortions are so wrong.
You are STRONG not weak.
And it IS worth continuing to put in the hard work you have been doing, even if it doesn't feel like it in sleepless nights

 

[sunisstillshining]

So sorry to hear about the suicide. It is sad and scary when a safe place has had something happen so nearby. As Bellbird said, know that you are not alone. I would encourage you to speak with your therapist about your sleepless nights, the suicide, and feeling like a breaking bone and to make sure that you have open communication with them.
Also, know that you have not broken. You also recognized that some of these nights are difficult to bear, but that you are on the road to the recovery. Stick with it.;) Hugs and prayers for you.

 

[ChildofGod]

Gentle hugs. I believe that you are super brave, and I hope your therapist can help you.