Needing Support

[Girl3]

She is looking for Utopia because many of us have held out the hope that "if only the right guy or gal came along" that person could fix us, make it all better. Just like moving to a new house didn't fix her because we also often think "if I only had the right house, the right job, lived in the right town"...it is the rotten thing living inside us that is bad. But until we know we have this and are willing to accept help and work on changing from within, then all the external changes in the world will not fix anything. And she will blame you, as if you are the enemy - because intimacy is too hard when you're in this fantasy world of everything external is what is good.

 

[Girl3]

Deserving counseling - we ALL deserve some counseling whether we have a known problem or not because dealing with other humans is fraught with issues - and when you are living with someone who has PTSD, there ARE issues.
With my own PTSD, someone else did this to me (OK more than someONE) but I didn't get here all by myself. So for 4 almost 5 decades, I have assumed someone else would come and UNDO what happened. Of course I picked boyfriends/husband who beat me nearly to death, I had an affair with a colleague who had PTSD at least as bad as me, had a couple of cyberaffairs - all looking for that ONE person who would 'cure my life'. When the former colleague's wife broke into my house and attacked me, I almost killed her - she went to the ICU and when she was released went to jail.
Your wife is in the thrall of the PTSD dragon. It is like being addicted to some substance: a person who doesn't know you, your history, your moods, your internal uglies - they are like cocaine. A new relationship is a drug. And nothing is as good as an old boyfriend because it has the smack of familiarity, whilst opening up a fresh, virginal passion. And like any other cut or picked flower - it'll die, blacken, fall apart like everything else. SO - go to the counselor, talk openly. Let your wife read these things - the postings and responses. If your eyes are closed - you need them open - whomever you might be. She is at risk for doing something which she will regret horrifically. The old boyfriend may be in for a shock if it progresses further. Children need to be protected. Don't be mean, she is vulnerable and force only begets resistance. If you love her - she needs help, but her therapist with whom she has a trust needs to be part of the equation.
Finally - we with PTSD tend to pick broken people because they don't screw with our personal ideas of inadequacy. My husband has ADHD, BPD, and hoarding. My house is like a circus most of the time. I'm screwed up, my husband is screwed up and my lovely daughter who is the best thing that ever happened to me is so flipping normal it could kill you. You may have issues you don't even realize - so counseling, whether you feel you deserve it or not - may be indicated. I went to an Ivy league school and became a doctor even though I grew up in a very poor and my parents were highschool dropouts. Everyone thought I was so functional and normal. I AM A MESS. My psychiatrist is the best thing that ever happened to me. GO - get counseling - work with your wife on building a relationship you both can stand and that will enrich your children. God Bless.

 

[leira]

Well, I know I've had things that I haven't been able to help -- not because I blame others, but some issues are just hard for me. A less-than-ideal (from his perspective) love life, for example, although I've tried my best over the years to be the wife I should be. Also, I don't deal well with anger. Luckily for me, I picked a guy who is so tolerant and laid back and kind -- he doesn't lose his temper and get mad easily, and that's just exactly what I needed to marry. Had he been the type to fly off the handle, it would have been much harder for me.

 

[Rune]

Yes hmmmm. Many good points to ponder.

To Leira thank you for your comments, and yes I definately feel that I am not appreciated. My wife use to tell me that she still loved me and that would often be sufficient to go the next mile but even that is gone. Although she did buy me a drink in the shopping yesterday so there is a minute light of hope there.

At this stage I wouldn't even let her know about this site or suggest she go on it. She has asked me not to say anything especially to my sister whom she has a disdain for as well. Anyway I have felt a bit better being able to talk out some issues and emotions on here and if it is ok I will continue to do so as it seems to be the only way I can get things off my chest at the moment. Anthony has given me a link to a few things (thanks mate).

One thing I would like to know is; my wife is going to have 4 sessions of EMDR therapy. What can I expect during this time? And in terms of time when do things get better? Do they ever? I have a life as well and I am sad to say, that if need be, it may include seperation.

I find it difficult to be with someone you love and not recieve any affirmaton for the things I do and the person I am. And yes I am not in denial about my shortcomings folks ;) God knows I have done enough self awareness sessions over the years and not to mention helping dysfuntional familes and people through my position as a minister.

To be honest this PTSD took me by surprise. Like I hit a brick wall and I am still reeling from the blow WHAM!!!!! :eek:

 

[leira]

"To be honest this PTSD took me by surprise. Like I hit a brick wall and I am still reeling from the blow WHAM!!!!!"

Yeah. Me too, from the other side. Great description.

I don't think you should feel compelled to tell your wife about this site, let it be the place you can let your hair down and get your own support.

I'm a little confused -- I know your marriage is 18 years, and some issues have been consistent throughout, but how long has she been grappling with PTSD issues in a known way? I mean, I've been married 24 but only diagnosed a year ago, and it did mostly lay dormant for many years, although some issues have been constant and sometimes life did squish around the edges. Just in a much more active phase right now.

Some of the stuff you describe can happen in any marriage with or without the added complications of PTSD. As a partner, you have a line to walk don't you -- wanting to be supportive of a crisis and need, but having your own human needs, too.

It's not wrong to have your own needs. Some of them may have to be shelved (not sure where y'all are on intimacy or if that's part of her past) but some shouldn't have to be. Hard to sort out, but that's where the addition of couples counseling along with her individual therapy may be helpful.

You certainly make me wonder where my husband is on all this. Because his life is being impacted drastically, too, only he has less control even than I do, and goodness knows that's little enough.

 

[Rune]

Thanks Leira, yes well my wife has said that she has been healed of her past but then all this has come up. I suppose ever since the suicide of her brother last year. She has only been diagnosed in the last two months. Not too sure as she doesn't talk to me much. Intimacy well I have been in the spare room for the last 15 weeks and before that nothing for 5 months. So you could well say it is dead and buried.

As for couples counselling ha, at this stage she will have nothing of the sort. HTH. :O_o:

 

[Nighthawk]

Welcome to the forum. I am glad you have found somewere you can find some support .:tup:

 

[leira]

Hey, Rune,

Well, sounds like she's had a serious trigger, and with that I can relate with her. I had my trigger a year ago May, and it's been a bumpy bumpy road since. However, if she has a good therapist, there is hope.

However, some of the issues you mentioned seem older than a few months. But since they went undealt with before the trigger, I think you're going to have to wait it out, and deal with them later when she gets closer to healing/processing.

My therapist says the fastest she's seen someone come through the worst of a PTSD/triggered now-dealing-with-stuff is about 18 months. Not to take hope away from you, but actually to give it-- it takes time, but there is reason to think that although PTSD doesn't go away, it does get to where it can be managed.

I've gone through phases of how much I disclosed to my husband, and honestly, I think I disclosed too much, or maybe too much too soon -- well, I don't know, but it's really hard. It's hard to have this stuff in your head, in your past, and to lay yourself bare to a therapist, and also maybe to your husband, or maybe not. I know this doesn't help you, but I guess what I'm trying to say is it's not a question of love -- there are so many emotions and pain and fears and exposure and vulnerability -- if she's closed in on herself right now it's because she's probably terrified to be anything but. That doesn't mean it's forever, she's still early in the counseling if she only got diagnosed 2 months ago. I hope she's with a good trauma therapist, and perhaps ends up considering some medication support as well. I resisted a long time, personally.

Just to give you an idea of my timeline -- not to say it will be hers, but maybe it will help to know -- my event was in May 2010, I switched to a trauma therapist 8/31/10, so exactly a year ago yesterday, and it wasn't until March that I really opened up to my husband about all of it (which I still don't know if that was a mistake or not). March is also when I agreed to try medication to help also.

Things still are hard, and here it is a year later and I still feel in some ways in the beginning stages. I don't know the answers, just sorry it's hard for you, as well. And recognize that it's hard with absolutely nothing you can do to influence the timing or outcome. That has to suck.

 

[DocsGal]

Rune,
I am an absolute newbie here and haven't even posted my first post yet, but I can see your situation mirrored in my situation SO CLEARLY! I have PTSD and have been married for 11 years. Unfortunately, my husband also has major issues and it has been 11 years of playing tug-of-war between his issues and mine. It seems like we are either dealing with his issues or mine. You have more years of marriage and it sounds like you have been as supportive as anyone could ask for. If your wife has just been diagnosed with PTSD and you have been in your spare room for 15 weeks, then there have been long-standing intimacy issues for her that have never been addressed in your marriage. You haven't mentioned what precipitated the change in intimacy status. (I know it is a sensitive issue) But there HAD to be a trigger for that to happen. How was the relationship prior to then? Did it gradually taper off or was it sudden. It is an important question and one that I would address with the therapist. I have serious intimacy issues, yet my husband & I had a fine sexual relationship for years, until I started going to therapy and it dredged up all the old pain and history. It SEVERELY impacted our intimacy and we haven't been intimate in over 14 months!! BUT-I AM SUPER-diligent about telling my husband how much I appreciate him, his patience with me, his understanding, etc. We still hold each other, touch, kiss and hug but it has been very straining on him I am sure. If I did not have his support, I promise, I probably would not be alive today!

What I am trying to get across to you, is that we communicate. Without that, a marriage is destined to stagnate. Every marriage goes through it's various peaks and valleys and it takes work and a conscious decision on BOTH sides to participate or not. I want to say THANK YOU, for your wife, even if she doesn't know how to say it, I'd be willing to bet that deep down inside she is feeling it!!!! She just doesn't know HOW!! She is like a baby right now. She hasn't even learned how to talk if she was just diagnosed and is just getting the kind of treatment she needs. Everyone progresses on their own timetable and we are ALL different. You need to get help for yourself first, learn some coping skills and some communication skills and when and if she sees you doing work on yourself, she will eventually ask about it. Then you can share YOUR story, in a caring way (not asking anything of her) and just maybe she will be curious enough to venture into a couples session or two w/you.

I will be praying for you Rune. It is so hard on the families and spouses of trauma sufferers'. We have to learn to love ourselves again before we can love you. We just don't know how, and if we are worth the effort. Just keep showing her that she's worth the effort and she may surprise you!

Take care & God Bless!
DocsGal

 

[Girl3]

People with PTSD don't get "healed of their past" because you cannot erase the memories whether they are conscious or not. You can get coping skills. You can 'unteach' the over-reaction of the amygdala so that it isn't always outgunning the cortex to shoot enemies that aren't there. Being healed of your past to me would make retriggering impossible. If you are healed, there is nothing to trigger.

On the other hand, ignoring, suppressing, avoiding one's past and pretending it didn't exist or that being sexually abused, physically beaten, emotionally terrorized didn't have a bit of impact on your life - sounds more like PTSD with a reason to trigger, re-experience. Childhoods inducing PTSD often induce other crappy coping skills.

To me - from your description - your wife is in avoidance, is looking for a "prince" to make her life better instantly when all the endeavors you've gone through to 'make it right' have in fact not. Gotta tell ya - I have worn these exact glass slippers and kissed a few toads - until I came to grips with my past, my diagnosis. I haven't fallen back in love with my husband, but I don't hate him now. We are working on rebuilding a relationship that does include intimacy when I can handle it. I can tell you confronting and accusing her won't get the result you want. I wish you much luck. In the mean time exercise, destress in ways you enjoy that are healthful, love your kids.

 

[Rune]

Thanks to all, Must admit that it has been awesome being able to vent. Thanks to Docs Gal for your comments and Leira for being able to give me a type of time frame. And I must say I am realising I need to do my things as she goes through hers. I refuse to put my life on hold or that of our gr8 children because of what my wife is going through. Of course with all sensitivity.

Anyway my wife is gone for about 10 days, Off doing what she wants to do and I will enjoy my time with our children while she is gone because before long I will be heading back to work for 5 weeks.