Lilac98
Policy Enforcement
Hi I'm lilac (not actually my real name but I like it so I'm going by that on here) I'm 23 but will be 24 in about a week.
As you can see I'm not diagnosed and for your information I'm not expecting or wanting anyone on here to diagnose me.
Let's go through things I actually remember though something that first popped up I'm not expecting answers.
So years ago I had a weird random memory pop up. I was round a friends house, we were sitting in her room and this guy came in and came up to my friend and was tickling her. She was laughing and clearly didn't mind but I was scared. I got up and moved away near the wall. I was scared he'd touch me or her so I was looking for something to protect myself with. I was going to get a pillow to hold in front of myself but it was on her bed the other side of the room and I didn't want to go past him. I then looked for something heavy like a lamp to hit him with but I couldn't find anything and he hadn't actually done anything yet. When he went she told me it was her older brother and I nearly asked her if he'd ever touched her before but I didn't incase it upset her or she thought I was weird for asking.
Then last year I remembered two incidents with me and my grandad when he had come out of prison for abusing my sisters who are older. One I was on my own in the living room at grandads house. Everyone else was in the kitchen. I was sitting down and felt uncomfortable so went to leave. He was standing in the middle of doorway facing me. I was too uncomfortable to speak to him so I kept moving from side to side trying to make it clear I wanted to leave. He just stared at me so I tried to squeeze past him on one side that had slightly more room. I had to step sideways so I was facing the wall, as I did this he then turned sideways so he was facing me. There still wasn't enough room and I got stuck with him pressed against me with his crotch against my bum and had to rub my bum against his crotch to get past. He didn't say sorry for getting in your way or anything he just stood there.
The other incident was when me and my family were leaving the restaurant. I was walking slowly cause I was trying to put my coat on so everyone else had gotten further ahead. Grandad was behind me. He grabbed my arm pulled me behind him turned around so he was facing me then pulled me into him. He quickly hugged me before I fell over cause he suddenly pulled me. I just stood there awkwardly cause I don't like hugs from anyone though virtual hugs are fine. That's all I remembered at first but then later on I remembered the rest of it which was he moved his hands down my back so one hand was just above my bum and the other hand was slightly on my bum. I felt really uncomfortable and was annoyed cause I thought he'd learned his lesson going to prison and I had convinced myself he wouldn't do anything to me but then he was. But then I thought I shouldn't jump to conclusions he probably didn't realise his hand was on my bum cause my coat was in the way. I started to feel a bit scared so I went to lightly push him away but realised he was wrapping his arms around mine in a way so I couldn't move my arms at all they were just held against my sides. Then I tried to pull backwards but he wouldn't let go and I was still pressed against him so I just let him hug me until he wanted to stop. Then when he let me go he just stood there normally and carried on walking so I walked quickly to catch up with the others.
As you can see I'm not diagnosed and for your information I'm not expecting or wanting anyone on here to diagnose me.
Let's go through things I actually remember though something that first popped up I'm not expecting answers.
So years ago I had a weird random memory pop up. I was round a friends house, we were sitting in her room and this guy came in and came up to my friend and was tickling her. She was laughing and clearly didn't mind but I was scared. I got up and moved away near the wall. I was scared he'd touch me or her so I was looking for something to protect myself with. I was going to get a pillow to hold in front of myself but it was on her bed the other side of the room and I didn't want to go past him. I then looked for something heavy like a lamp to hit him with but I couldn't find anything and he hadn't actually done anything yet. When he went she told me it was her older brother and I nearly asked her if he'd ever touched her before but I didn't incase it upset her or she thought I was weird for asking.
Then last year I remembered two incidents with me and my grandad when he had come out of prison for abusing my sisters who are older. One I was on my own in the living room at grandads house. Everyone else was in the kitchen. I was sitting down and felt uncomfortable so went to leave. He was standing in the middle of doorway facing me. I was too uncomfortable to speak to him so I kept moving from side to side trying to make it clear I wanted to leave. He just stared at me so I tried to squeeze past him on one side that had slightly more room. I had to step sideways so I was facing the wall, as I did this he then turned sideways so he was facing me. There still wasn't enough room and I got stuck with him pressed against me with his crotch against my bum and had to rub my bum against his crotch to get past. He didn't say sorry for getting in your way or anything he just stood there.
The other incident was when me and my family were leaving the restaurant. I was walking slowly cause I was trying to put my coat on so everyone else had gotten further ahead. Grandad was behind me. He grabbed my arm pulled me behind him turned around so he was facing me then pulled me into him. He quickly hugged me before I fell over cause he suddenly pulled me. I just stood there awkwardly cause I don't like hugs from anyone though virtual hugs are fine. That's all I remembered at first but then later on I remembered the rest of it which was he moved his hands down my back so one hand was just above my bum and the other hand was slightly on my bum. I felt really uncomfortable and was annoyed cause I thought he'd learned his lesson going to prison and I had convinced myself he wouldn't do anything to me but then he was. But then I thought I shouldn't jump to conclusions he probably didn't realise his hand was on my bum cause my coat was in the way. I started to feel a bit scared so I went to lightly push him away but realised he was wrapping his arms around mine in a way so I couldn't move my arms at all they were just held against my sides. Then I tried to pull backwards but he wouldn't let go and I was still pressed against him so I just let him hug me until he wanted to stop. Then when he let me go he just stood there normally and carried on walking so I walked quickly to catch up with the others.