Never Been This Low Before

[missing_the _sunshine]

I just feel so totally overwhelmed at the moment. I just feel like I am drowning - everything is happening at the moment and I have no idea how I am going to get myself out of it this time.

I found out via text that my brother had passed away - I got the text 2 weeks after he had gone. Didn't get to say goodbye and have not seen him in 12months - because my parents had moved him to a new care facility and they would not tell me where he was. I went from being his full time carer to not knowing where he was. My goal was to leave the family house, get back on my feet, get a place and get my brother to live with me and be his full time carer. It took me longer to get on my feet and get my issues under control.

Now I am too late and I am never going to see him or be talk to him ever again. I just feel like I am aching all over. I have no idea how to process things I have so much guilt and just feel sick in the stomach.

Work will be finished this time next week and then I am being admitted into hospital for 4 weeks. I have not been to this hospital before, there are males in the same ward and I am really freaking out about things. My usual Psychiatrist is on leave so has organised for a new Psychiatrist to admit me, she then goes on leave too and so another new Psychiatrist will take over. My Psychologist (the only person who I trust) the only Psychologist I have ever worked with, the only person I have told everything to is going on maternity leave so the Psychiatrist is talking to a group of people to see who can take me on. Not sure that I can start over again with someone.

I just feel like giving up, I really do. It just feels like I am failing at everything at the moment and not succeeding at anything. I miss my brother so much - he was the only person who kept me going. Everything I did I did for him - no I dont have him anymore.

I have got so many crazy thoughts going around at the moment - feel so low and over it. Where do I start and what do I do?

 

[ms spock]

Oh missing the sunshine,

You need to give yourself a break and be kind to you in this time of immense grief at losing your brother.

My family did the letting me know way after the funeral had occurred mindgame and it hurts. I so feel for you.

It is messy what is happening with your psychriatrist and psychologist. Such a shame that you are losing your trusted T to maternity leave, but she will come back. Of course it all feels like abandonment and even more loss on top of the death of your brother and the cruelty of your parents.

So a small thing of kindness for you each day. Anything that is self soothing is a good idea.

My biggest heartfelt sympathy. My family and yours seems like they have much (heartbreakingly) in common.

Keep writing and keep reaching out.

 

[Froggie]

My dear (((((Aussie Sis))))), it is so NORMAL to feel depressed with all that has happened in such a short time. What your family did was horrible, unloving, uncaring completely sociopathique. I hope you find where your brother is buried so that you can say a good-bye.

I'm here for you, listening and supporting you. Feel my hand, cry on my shoulder, be silent in my presence. Sometimes that helps when we have so many things whirling around in our heads that just being besides a friend and not having to say anything can be more than helpful. Hugs

 

[missing_the _sunshine]

Oh missing the sunshine,

You need to give yourself a break and be kind to you in this time of immense grief at losing your brother.

Keep writing and keep reaching out.

Thanks Ms Spock and Froggie.

I am still really panicked and really struggling at the moment. Just want my mind to turn off and to be numb.

I don't want to feel these feelings anymore - I just want/need them to stop.

I just need to try and get through the next 3 days until I see my T for the last time before I go into hospital. I really have no idea how I am going to cope without my weekly sessions with my T. She is the only person who I trust and the only person who knows pretty much everything there is to know.

A little scared about how low I am but just need to try and keep it together for another few days.

 

[Nicolette]

You know where we are if you need us MTS. I am so sorry to hear of your brother's passing - what a shock. We know how much he meant to you. I just don't know what to say. :cry::hug:

 

[Shellbell]

MTS, I am so very sorry about your brother and for how your family are treating you. Such a terrible shock and a terrible way to find out.

My heart goes out to you, as others have said - try to be kind to yourself.

 

[ms spock]

I am still really panicked and really struggling at the moment. Just want my mind to turn off and to be numb.

That is quite understandable mts.

I don't want to feel these feelings anymore - I just want/need them to stop.

It must be so hard. Can you do anything to distract yourself? Is there anything that you find pleasurable that you can do to soothe yourself?

I just need to try and get through the next 3 days until I see my T for the last time before I go into hospital. I really have no idea how I am going to cope without my weekly sessions with my T. She is the only person who I trust and the only person who knows pretty much everything there is to know.

I am so glad that you have her. It is good you have a solid person in your life. I know you will miss her. It is such bad timing that this is happening now.

A little scared about how low I am but just need to try and keep it together for another few days.

Breathe if you can. Feel your feet. And be so extra kind to yourself mts.

I don't really have anything meaningful to say. Just that I feel for you and it is so hard for you right now. That if anything safe can give you relief and/or soothing then that would be good for you to do for yourself. Of course you are inconsolable with grief. Yet hopefully knowing someone cares enough to give a few suggestions, however helpful/unhelpful will help you through just a little bit.

 

[Sailorgal]

My condolences to you. Just allow yourself to grieve as you feel the need. No pressure, no guilt. Don't overwhelm yourself. Remember the wonderful times you had with your brother. :)

 

[missing_the _sunshine]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your time and words.

I am still struggling big time but I made it through another night.

Arghhh!!! Just wish I could turn everything off - no more thoughts and no more feelings! Just need to escape it all.

 

[KatB]

This brings up a closed memory of my brother in 2009. He didnt find out about my cousin's death until my family and I were in Florida. He was highly upset because no-one told him. I can see how it hurts and I am soo sorry. I can't give words of advice, but I can see and understand what you are dealing with. You are not alone in this.

My brother, this week, tried to kill himself, which I thought was bull but in all, it did happen. I guess where I am heading at with this is that: I STILL don't know what's right or wrong. What the heck do you do in something like this? As much as he has hurt and practically destroyed a big part of my family, he is still my brother and he's someone who I can't feel total remorse for.:O_o:

 

[missing_the _sunshine]

My brother was one of my abusers throughout my life...but then he became ill with an unknown illness which left him brain damaged, non verbal and wheelchair bound. I then became his full time carer.

Even though he couldn't speak to me I became really close with him. He was my best friend. I did everything for him - I stayed in the abusive home because I didn't want to leave him. Then I couldnt do it any longer and I left - then my goal was to get myself sorted and then get a place and get my brother out of the family environment and we could live in a safe environment together. When I left my parents moved him to an unknown care facility and would not tell me where he was. So I had not seen him for 12 months.

I took too long to get myself sorted and have not seen him for so long. I just don't know how to readjust my mindset now that he is gone and I am now by myself. I just feel like I am aching all over for him - how does that stop? I dont want to remember him as my abuser...but since I have had the news that is what has been happening. I keep having flashback of him - it is so painful. How do I make it stop?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. When my brother died my niece called me and told me. No one else did. I was not invited to the funeral. I had alot of rage towards my sister who usually called me. I still do not know why she did not call me. We have a fake relationship now. I do not confide in her anymore.

Family can be so cruel. I understand you are in shock and reeling from the blows. I do not know how you make it stop. You just have to breathe and get through it one way or another the best you can.

My heart goes out to you. I understand the pain of your loss and the shock you are feeling. Prayers for you if that is ok.

I am sad that you are losing your therapist.That is so much to face and deal with at one time.