Never Thought It Would Be Me.

[G Stuart]

I'm hoping I've found somewhere that I might fit in. I will finish up my career in the US Air Force on 1 Feb 2013 at 20 years and 12 days. I had always planned to stay as long as they would let me but that's not gonna happen. I always had the model career. I've been deployed nine times as an OR Tech to everything from theater hospitals to FSTs (of course, they only used to be 4 monthers. Insert sister service rivalry comment here-all but one was with the army), the last two being to Salerno and Ghazni, Afghanistan. It wasn't until this last deployment that it finally caught up to me. I returned home to a wife who told me "while you were gone, I've become an independent person and don't want to be married anymore". I haven't slept in 7 months without taking meds and/or waking up crying or screaming. Alcohol helps too. The sad thing is that I can't seem to feel anything like a "normal" person no matter what I do. I'd just rather be alone because I don't belong anywhere. My mother died of cancer while I was deployed. I was out of the AOR and back in 9 days. I didn't cry, I didn't morn my mother and only wanted to get back to my team. It's perspective! An hour before I left, we lost a 23 yo Polish soldier who took a round across his iliacs. My mom lived to be 70. Mourning her seems wrong. Luckily, I was able to decline my last performance report, because I'm pretty worthless at work, and my verbal filter is gone. People enjoy going to meetings with me because they never know what I'm going to say or do next. Strangely, no one has said anything to me about all the "F@!$ you" and "you're full of shit" comments I've been throwing out. I think they are afraid of me.

 

[Zipperhead]

M orning G. Sit down and read for awhile. Seems half the Role 1 is in here now.

 

[nomedic1]

welcome

 

[Ned]

Hello G. The meetings thing sounds like my last year in the Army. There's a lot of people here will recognise your experience. Have a read, articles n' all.

 

[Anglesachse]

Welcome to the fold G mate. Yeah I don`t think any of us on here "realy thought it would be me"

Does having the best make us weak? no it makes us human. drag up a pew and rest a while, you have a long trip behind you, and a long road infront, but your not alone on the journey anymore. For help along the way we are all there. Except Alan, he is responsible for the stupid shit to make us all laugh when we don`t want to. Other than that he is pretty useless which is what makes him so lovable.

 

[tho9900]

G...

lots of us medics here... I was a Corpsman in the Navy/Respiratory Therapist.. got my own stories...

I know of at least 6 of us here... maybe more... having my medic buddies on here, and I guess more importantly the Marines here that I lived for, and would have died for, all here to have my back has kept me from swinging too far off center..

And I am one to talk but alcohol is not the permanent answer... I used it to kill the pain to the expense of 3 DUI's...

 

[Jimmy1]

G, I really don't know how you guys do it. Seeing bits of people coming in and trying to keep them alive after patching them up, and of course the ones that you lose.
The whole independent thing with your wife, well, nothing can really be said. I know I have always stuck by my vows 'Till Death Do Us Part', it was just the other half that never did.
I am similar to you in another way too mate. I lost my father-in-law while I was deployed. He was a Nam veteran and used to come on every ANZAC day with me, he was closer to me than my own father who I have since lost too.
It does get better mate. It just takes a lot of hard work that's all, but it is worth it.

As for sleep, I don't think there is a member on here that does not have problems or sleep without medication. Sometimes that does not even work for me.

The best thing you can do G is to read the articles mate, most of them were copied from the PTSD course here in Australia by Anthony the site's creator. The only real thing that has changed are the medications and the types of therapy.

Anyway mate, your in good hands here. If you have a question just ask away.

Cheers

Jimmy