New And Scared - But I'm Here

[Tabori84]

Hi everyone.

I just wanted to introduce myself tonight. I am totally new to this but I am hoping that I can somehow find some support.

I am the fiance...well ex fiance of a man who has ptsd. We have been together for about 5 years, and we have a little boy:) Well he is not in the military anymore, but he has been battling this for a while. We have broken up numerous times because of his behavior. In th beginning we didn't know he had ptsd. I just though he was changing, and we just weren't meant to be together. I kicked him out and sent him home to his mom until he got his act together. Well that took about a year, and he asked me to mover where he was, which was about 800 miles away...So I packed up and went.

After I got there he was not the bubbly nice man that I had been talking too. He felt like he had made a mistake in asking me to come there, and all of a sudden didn't want me there. I was crushed, and couldn't understand for the life of me what was going on. Since I was there and didn't want to be embarrassed by going back home, I found an apartment for my son and I not to far away from his moms house.

He started spending time with his son, and one day out of the blue asked me to go with him to the VA. I didn't know it at the time, but he had been going there since I kicked him out. I attended a family support group and heard stories similar to my own. I went every Friday after that. Once he saw that I was taking an interest in his condition, he felt like he could trust me with his feelings and began to open up. He eventually moved in, and even though he went through his moments of sleeping on the couch, and some nights not sleeping at all, nightmares, mood swings and drinking, he was really trying to make an effort to change. and I supported him, but eventually, things took a turn for the worse. One day he just decided that he wanted to be single. He wanted to figure out his meaning in life. He decided to go to school, but in another state.

After months of going back and forth, he came back to realize that,he wanted us to come with him. I packed up our things, and hunted for an apartment for a couple of months, got excited and moved. Now I'm here even farther away from home. The first couple of days were great we looked at furniture, and schools for our son...then one day, I heard him on the phone talking about his medication...The VA mailed his medication to his moms house not ours, and his mom won't mail it here because she said it cost to much!! It has been weeks since he had his medicine, and I have been living in hell. He doesn't talk to me or even look at me for that mater. And just yesterday, he told me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He doesn't want a fiance or wife for that matter. He just want to focus on his career, and that's it. He acts like he hates me.

I told him to go to the VA here and try and get some medication, and he told me that he was not going to take the medication anymore because it clouded his thinking. He got mad at my dog and threw him up against the wall. I'm so tired of going back and forth with this man. I love him to death, but I can't take it anymore. He's a good man and I wan to stay, but how can I if he doesn't want me. I told him I would leave, and he didn't even show any concern. If he has anything to say to me or ask me...he slips notes underneath the door. I know this is long...but it feels so good being able to find people who understand, and wont judge me. Thanks for listening:)

 

[amethist]

Hi Tabori84

Welcome to the forum.

It is hard for carers to keep going when they cannot see the effect they cause through denial and lack of self management.

We wont judge you here, we will offer advice and support. Not always the advice you want to here, but it will be honest, gained through experience and knowledge.

Come down to the carers section, where you will find posts from other members who have been through the same issues. A good one to read it this one by Frankie, where she tells her story of how she had to make decisions she never thought she would have to make. Just to give you an idea of how the yo-yo effect can drive you to distraction if you let it keep going on.

[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/threads/12495-The-Hardest-Thing-I-Have-Had-To-Do[/DLMURL]

Just click on the link above and you be taken straight to the thread.

Take good care of yourself and your son.

Amethist

 

[cdnleaf]

Welcome, from your intro it sounds like your ex-fiancé is struggling on many levels. I believe it's important for yourself and your son, to set some firm boundaries concerning your relationship. With much help, willingness and hard work things can get better for him. This is an outstanding place to receive support from the carers section as mentioned above by Amethist. All the best, Dan.

 

[Nishkaa]

Hi Tabori84,

I don't have military in my family, but there was some family trauma caused by my dad's erratic behaviours-- he was ill and he refused to get help, and things got much much worse. I have chronic ptsd and I have a hard time being able to access supports-- there's no trauma centre for what I've survived through. My mom got really sick too and she got spun out and even became violent, highly adrenalized by everything my dad did to her and created in the household (and the damn scary thing, was the presence of my dad's illness + alcoholism+ violence and +gun+ a really bad situation that turned out to be catastrophic losses). My mom though was also responsible to get some help, but she didn't either.

As a PTSD-Suffer, I take responsibility for my illness and my actions, even though I'm currently disabled, I'm not going to contribute to abuse of others I love and care about. I do my best to get the help that I can and I come here to dump my stuff off, not on my family or roommates ;-).

Something some people don't understand, I found this particularly with the addictions issues, the sickness that creates, I'm sorry, but I find it really selfish to not get help, and that's pretty blunt of me to say that.

I can empathize with other people's suffering, but if they can get access to help to not only help with their own suffering but to also help reduce the stress on the family and refuse to do that-- well it frustrates me. However, it has to be that person's choice to get help. We can't control the choices others make, and that's frustrating too, but it is also reality in my opinion. For sanity reasons though, we can't be expected to have to live with it, if others are not taking responsiblity for their own behaviour, and addictions and etc. It's one thing if a person is presenting some PTSD symptoms, and there's hurt, there's anger, flashbacks, nightmares, etc., but there are ways to learn how to cope and modify one's behaviour, if one is open to getting the help. I've had to teach myself a lot, read books, use this on-line thing.

Anyway, what cndleaf is saying makes a lot of sense to me, re: learning to set boundaries, your bare minimum of what is acceptable in your life, and leaving to him to make a choice about getting help or not. You can still leave room for the lines of communication, but you don't have to put up with abuse. This way, you can give him the power to choose.

That's my two-cents (and more, as I always seem to write way too much ;-) ). Definitely go to the carers section though, because I'm sure they can give you more direct feedback.

It is sad, PTSD in Vets, and I can relate to feeling things like intense anger, but maybe not the way a Vet might, but I got images that burn on my brain, of really ugly sights too. I have to know how to deal with that anger in ways that are not destructive to me or to others around me.

 

[anni]

I'm not a carer so please don't mind me putting my reply in here. You've had some terribly helpful, good replies, too so don't wish to overload you. I do just have to agree that it's just not cool to smear one's PTSD SO far into someone else's life that it disrupts it to the point yours has been. It's also a little bit characteristic of people with PTSD to have somewhat of a heightened sense of compassion in the end, and somewhere along the line feel awful about treating others badly. I don't see any of this in your partner, only more justifications- seeming to use the diagnosis more to behave as he wishes and take zero responsibility for your sacrifices on his behalf. I'd also like to say what others have already said and that is of course noone would judge you here. You acted from what you believed because he told you-and you trusted. One could judge him not well for betraying the trust but not you for so freely wishing him well.

I think I'm also replying because pre-trauma, in 'another lifetime' ( not a referrance to anything new-age, am talking about the 1980's)I was a yo-yo wife. It was trans-Atlantic, too so when I say we split up 5 times, well the logistics of me working HARD to make him happy were just silly. I'm certain that between his saying flatly many times 'I don't want to be married anymore' and our son having a serious health issue the seeds of this PTSD thing probably were germinating. Mine also did that-then changed his mind and could NOT live without me-expensve gifts, whining, wheedling, 'it's different this time', I'd go back. A few months later ( and a trans-Atlantic move with babies) and then 'I'm stifled and don't want to be married anymore'. Seriously. Five times. He did not have the PTSD excuse, just wildly self-absorbed. I did finally break the chain and say no. PTSD or no, please be prepared that when you do, this type will no bear the thought that he can't call you back yet again when he once more changes his mind.Mine flew across an ocean twice, threatened and attempted suicide( not an actual one, I still do not believe since people were on site to 'stop' him) then proceeded to turn extreemlyyyy nasty. Please do just be aware that in finally taking care of yourself, he can't stand not having you available to once more take care of him.

I'm sorry this is long, and hope it's not intrusive. I'm sorry he does have PTSD because it's an awful way to live. It's also awful to allow it to hurt someone else so much, and use it to keep this yo-yo thing going. I'm 52, and it's been a really, really, really long story for the whole bunch of decades. That one was awfully painful and not the one that ended with me here in the forum, although I'm sure those wounds are what landed me in a very abusive marriage later. I didn't talk it out, and try to make sense out of it as you are doing. That's so flatlt healthy of you, I so wish I had had the sense all those years ago! I hope the carer's forum is as lovely a place for you aas this has been for me.

Do take care,

Anni