Sufferer New Guy

[Mike W]

46 year old guy, diagnosed chronic PTSD over 10 years

Quit my job of 4 years last week. Dispatcher for emergency services, job was too stressful every shift, I'm highly triggered and startled (scream and jump), I weirded out my coworkers and they made work very unwelcoming. I had become horrible & abusive to coworkers.

I became obsessed with wanting to harm myself and others at work, so I chose to leave instead. I felt a major explosion was coming, so I wrote a short respectful letter of resignation, slid it under my managers door and left.

I think I will be able to get unemployment (applied today), maybe a lukewarm job reference at best.

My family doesn't understand, they think I'm "over it" (PTSD). No friends.

Feeling pretty low. Ashamed at my behaviour, wondering if former coworkers are laughing at me and saying cruel things (they had done this to my face before). Can't find any support groups where I live (Winnipeg).

I want to be proud of myself for leaving the best way I knew how, not hurting anyone or creating yet another ugly scene at work. I want to be excited about future possibilities and new beginnings sometime in a less stressful environment.

Today i feel embarrassed and stupid. Drinking too much. Not sure what my first or next step should be.

Any ideas?

 

[Ronin]

Any ideas?

Drink less, man. PTSD and booze walk together well only for a very limited amount of time, then it's a rollercoaster and fall sooner than you realize.

There is nothing embarassing in your situation, and you are not stupid, as you helped shit ton people, and now the person you need to help is you. Equally worth it.

If former co-workers talk shit, that's their 'opinion'. Doesn't make it valid, doesn't make it reflective of you.

 

[Ronin]

Oh, forgot the welcome. :facepalm:

Welcome to the site, Mike. ;)

 

[MysticRose]

Welcome to the site. Very good to step back before things escalate! I hope you'll find some support here - sounds like you need it.

 

[Mike W]

Drink less, man. PTSD and booze walk together well only for a very limited amount of time, then it's a rol...

Thanks for the welcome
Maybe I'll try writing down the times I have helped other people and try to focus on that when I get pissed off and paranoid
I fantasize about going back there, making them all feel as different and stupid like they made me feel
Make them hurt like the constant fighting and hurt in my head
Then I could laugh at them

 

[Ronin]

I fantasize about going back there, making them all feel as different and stupid like they made me feel

See, they're already stupid for letting a guy like you down, though. For driving you away purposefully. No need to add on that.

Finding people that will appreciate you, personally and professionally, sounds as a better long term goal.

You can already laugh at them, that doesn't need them anywhere around ;)

 

[Mike W]

Thanks man
I'm gonna try to relax and sleep a bit, maybe calm down
I take seroquil, hate the weight gain
I'm not violent but I understand why guys go in and shoot up bad people who humiliate guys with injuries for fun
I know that's a bad thing to think, it's how I really feel right now. I wouldn't do it but I'm glad other people do and hope someone else does it to people who made me feel very bad about myself
Goodnight

 

[Ronin]

Good night to you as well, take care.

 

[kona355]

@Mike W - Wanting to retaliate is normal when others ridicule. You took the high road out of there. Stay on it.

And, it won't be easy.

Cashew's right about drinking. It led me down a deep dark hole that was hell climbing out. Run from drinking like hades was on your heels, just run on the high road.

 

[Mike W]

Thanks Kona, I'm gonna try. Got a good sleep and not drinking today. Don't know what to do with all this anger. Today will just try to stand myself. I have 2 cats that are giving me a lot of attention, I'm grateful for that.

 

[Poofycat]

Are you getting any exercise? I find that when emotions get overwhelming and I don't know what do to with them even a 20 minute walk outside helps a ton. Just moving helps to become more centered.

Good job on deciding not to drink yesterday. I hope that worked out for you.

 

[Mike W]

Thanks Poofycat
I kinda forced myself to go for a walk in the snow yesterday, I tend to isolate for long periods when depressed or angry.

I got winded but felt better after, just getting out of my mind a bit
I have an intake at the YMCA next week to take a Managing Anger course. It's not going to fix me, but will hopefully make me get out around people a bit

Anyone have any courses they felt were helpful?