Hello-I am new and unfamiliar with this site. I have CPTSD and severe depression. I see a trauma psychologist 2x weekly who is very patient with me. We do emdr usually on 1 day unless I am struggling and then we take time off until she thinks I am safe and stable. My issues come from talking openly about the trauma, my feelings and my lack of eye contact. During my sessions I hold a pillow tightly and never move from my position. (Very frozen and tense). She wants me to think of a safe place as well as nurturing/safe people, real or unreal. I cannot do this. I am alone. She also wants to know why I am stuck in a traumatic event......I do and don't know. I cannot say the words or describe the scene -(I think she has an idea-I just can't say it) I often wish she will hold me, hug me or bring in a blanket for me. But she won't and she says a blanket will make therapy more difficult. I know I am rambling-I am just alone and wish I had more strength. Thanks for listening. -Snowflake
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New Here And Alone
- Post starter Snowflake
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JEKBreatheandBelieve
Diamond Member
@Snowflake - This stuff is hard. It is so lonely feeling. You aren't alone in the feelings of how difficult it is to speak or how lonely you feel. I don't think a blanket makes therapy more difficult, sometimes it's nice to have comfort when you feel alone. Every therapist has their own approaches and own mannerisms though. How long have you been seeing this therapist? I see my therapist twice a week, too. I think eye contact is highly overrated. I don't like it and it is hard. I think people place way too much value in it, but every now and then when I look into my therapists eyes or those of someone I trust, it can be reassuring. You have strength for you are starting on your journey towards healing. It is hard to believe that you have strength and you will probably wish for more very often, I know I do. Even when people tell me I am strong, I just want to laugh at them because I certainly don't feel strong. Anyway, I wanted you to know that your post was seen, your words read, and your feelings not alone even though you feel alone.
Born to Run
Platinum Member
Welcome to the forum Snowflake. I understand you feel alone, I feel alone too. I have not moved for years in my chair in therapy, only able to sit at the edge of the chair, never able to lean back. It is being stuck in trauma, and I am slowly getting unstuck. I would not like the question 'why I am stuck' though, because to me it would have been a difficult question to answer. I never knew exactly why I was sitting like that in the chair, before I remembered the trauma that caused it. Maybe the same for you. I may always take a blanket in therapy, hide underneath or do whatever. I wish for you, you got a bit more freedom in your therapy. Hugging and holding is maybe a bit too much to ask from a therapist. I may ask mine to hold his hand when needed, and that is often very comforting. Take care, this is a place with very kind people.
- Post starter
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Thank you for your reply. I was beginning to think I made a mistake posting. I have seen my current therapist for about 15 months . Honestly she is trying really hard and reassures me often she cares, and will not hurt or punish me for anything I share. But I am terrified, ashamed, and disgusted by my past. I cannot say the words or describe the memory or feeling. What's difficult is the loneliness and lack of support. I only have her. My family....forget it, my husband....forget it. It's safer to be in silence. Another issue is thoughts about my body. I hate it!!!!! I want to hurt it and destroy it. If anyone suggest exercise, massage, yoga. I want to scream. Regardless, thank you. A response means a lot to me. -snowflake
JEKBreatheandBelieve
Diamond Member
You're welcome. People come on at different times and respond to different posts, but you will almost always get at least one response. You came to the right place because there are many people here who will be able to relate.
Friday
Sponsor
You know... That's funny.
Safety is a feeling, right? Not a reality. Where I feel safe? In someone else's arms. ((Also, to a lesser degree, sitting hip/knee/boot on either/both sides... And still lesser, holding a kiddo. Less that I feel safe holding them, but dammit will make things safe.))
Doesn't matter how realistic that appraisal is ... Held in someone's arms, my face on their chest, heartbeat in my ears, rise & fall of their breathing... That's my safe space.
Do I ever feel safe alone? Pfft. Nah. But I insist on being alone, anyway. Stubborn, me.
deer_in_headlights
Diamond Member
Welcome, @Snowflake!
I hope you soon feel very much at home here. You might feel alone, but there are a great many of us here who understand, who have gone through similar struggles. You've come to a very good place for companionship, hope, encouragement, some unexpected posts, and big loving, caring, sometimes squabbling, family - overseen by very wise Anthony and Nicolette, and intrepid Moderators.
Congratulations on sticking with your therapy! Sometimes you can hit painful bumps in the road, but these "Empathic Ruptures" can become very healing moments as you bring to your therapist your struggles, fears, wishing she would comfort you, any upset. Many times, after you talk out an issue, you can become even closer and the trust builds within the therapuetic relationship.
The therapist will be very proud of you for speaking up. These issues that come up in the therapy room usually are linked to wounds we've sustained, and can be worked on together to bring healing to that wound, trauma, neglect issue, ....
I have a trauma therapist who gives very safe, incredibly healing hugs; another who rarely touches me, but also allows me to hold hands with her after a rough EMDR session and through a healing meditation that she guides me through, and I've had others who won't touch at all.
It truly depends upon the therapist and what they're comfortable with. It can also change over time.
I never had a blanket, but on very rare occasions if I absolutely had to hide my face for a few minutes, I put my coat over my head. I also brought a tiny stuffed animal with me, for a while. The softness, and sweet expression of the toy brought comfort.
Snowflake, I'm so sorry you have been so badly traumatized.
This just shouldn't happen.
I wish every comfort to you - you deserve comfort, and you have very right to live, free of abuse and self-hatred (that was implanted by abusers) - and I hope you accept healing hugs from the heart:hug:
I hope you soon feel very much at home here. You might feel alone, but there are a great many of us here who understand, who have gone through similar struggles. You've come to a very good place for companionship, hope, encouragement, some unexpected posts, and big loving, caring, sometimes squabbling, family - overseen by very wise Anthony and Nicolette, and intrepid Moderators.
Congratulations on sticking with your therapy! Sometimes you can hit painful bumps in the road, but these "Empathic Ruptures" can become very healing moments as you bring to your therapist your struggles, fears, wishing she would comfort you, any upset. Many times, after you talk out an issue, you can become even closer and the trust builds within the therapuetic relationship.
The therapist will be very proud of you for speaking up. These issues that come up in the therapy room usually are linked to wounds we've sustained, and can be worked on together to bring healing to that wound, trauma, neglect issue, ....
I have a trauma therapist who gives very safe, incredibly healing hugs; another who rarely touches me, but also allows me to hold hands with her after a rough EMDR session and through a healing meditation that she guides me through, and I've had others who won't touch at all.
It truly depends upon the therapist and what they're comfortable with. It can also change over time.
I never had a blanket, but on very rare occasions if I absolutely had to hide my face for a few minutes, I put my coat over my head. I also brought a tiny stuffed animal with me, for a while. The softness, and sweet expression of the toy brought comfort.
Snowflake, I'm so sorry you have been so badly traumatized.
This just shouldn't happen.
I wish every comfort to you - you deserve comfort, and you have very right to live, free of abuse and self-hatred (that was implanted by abusers) - and I hope you accept healing hugs from the heart:hug:
Last edited:
Panda Bear
Platinum Member
Welcome!
You have a lot you're trying to sort out and work through, it is very overwhelming and daunting right now. Please be kind to yourself and understand it's a lot process. You're T is suggesting a lot of skills to help you cope and I remember when my T and I began the vary same skills your T is trying. It seemed hopeless!! That I would never get it, it was beyond me, I wasn't capable of nor deserved such peace and safety. But I promise, you'll get there soon, when you begin to feel a bit safer. But in the meantime, do what you can!
My T doesn't touch(nor do I, it's not safe or comfortable to me) but he is always open to change in venue. Using a blanket, pillow etc. if you're really concerned about the blanket or lack of, express that to her if you can. I'm not understanding why it's not okay?
Anyways, keep going and it'll get better. You've done a great job thus far.
You have a lot you're trying to sort out and work through, it is very overwhelming and daunting right now. Please be kind to yourself and understand it's a lot process. You're T is suggesting a lot of skills to help you cope and I remember when my T and I began the vary same skills your T is trying. It seemed hopeless!! That I would never get it, it was beyond me, I wasn't capable of nor deserved such peace and safety. But I promise, you'll get there soon, when you begin to feel a bit safer. But in the meantime, do what you can!
My T doesn't touch(nor do I, it's not safe or comfortable to me) but he is always open to change in venue. Using a blanket, pillow etc. if you're really concerned about the blanket or lack of, express that to her if you can. I'm not understanding why it's not okay?
Anyways, keep going and it'll get better. You've done a great job thus far.
katz
Platinum Member
Hello, Snowflake
Welcome. Please always remember that you are not alone. That's the best part of a chat room. There is always some one there to listen. (())
One of the ways that I use to relax--especially in the winter, when I can't walk, is to just sit and crochet ( or knit) . (I never worry about what I'm making--sometimes just a square). It clears my mind and makes me stop worrying about life around me. Even if for just a short time. I went and got myself some posters to color also, or just print pictures off the computer. I love the coloring books from the dollar store. Wow! it sure is the cheapest therapy that I've seen!
If these don't work for you, I know that exercise is usually the best. It was what got me thru my horrible childhood too. When I walked, I was not just walking to clear my mind, but I was escaping. Escaping the terrible place that was called home.
And I'm in better shape also !!
The best of luck to you.
Welcome. Please always remember that you are not alone. That's the best part of a chat room. There is always some one there to listen. (())
One of the ways that I use to relax--especially in the winter, when I can't walk, is to just sit and crochet ( or knit) . (I never worry about what I'm making--sometimes just a square). It clears my mind and makes me stop worrying about life around me. Even if for just a short time. I went and got myself some posters to color also, or just print pictures off the computer. I love the coloring books from the dollar store. Wow! it sure is the cheapest therapy that I've seen!
If these don't work for you, I know that exercise is usually the best. It was what got me thru my horrible childhood too. When I walked, I was not just walking to clear my mind, but I was escaping. Escaping the terrible place that was called home.
And I'm in better shape also !!
The best of luck to you.
I take a blanket to therapy every week and I have a therapist who gives hugs. But honestly I went through several therapists before I found one that I felt safe enough to tell about the things that happened to me. I wish I would have started looking sooner but somehow I just had it in my mind that I had to stick with who I started with and their approach must be right. A whole new world was opened to me when I got a trauma therapist who caters his strategies to each patient. I have gotten more done in the shorter time with the new therapist than I did with all of the others combined.....simply because I didn't feel safe enough.
We started doing puzzles together in session otherwise I spent the whole session trying to avoid eye contact. He asked me what were some of the coping skills I used at home and I said puzzles. Slowly I got comfortable enough and started talking while we did the puzzles. It gave me something to look forward to and I didn't dread sessions as much. We still do them sometimes even though I don't need that anymore to be able to open up.
Maybe you could email her and explain that you need to talk but still don't feel safe enough and see if she has suggestions for what the two of you could do so that you can get more comfortable in session. She might surprise you with some ideas of her own.
We started doing puzzles together in session otherwise I spent the whole session trying to avoid eye contact. He asked me what were some of the coping skills I used at home and I said puzzles. Slowly I got comfortable enough and started talking while we did the puzzles. It gave me something to look forward to and I didn't dread sessions as much. We still do them sometimes even though I don't need that anymore to be able to open up.
Maybe you could email her and explain that you need to talk but still don't feel safe enough and see if she has suggestions for what the two of you could do so that you can get more comfortable in session. She might surprise you with some ideas of her own.
expectingbetter
Diamond Member
Dear snowflake,
First I would like to thank you for your post. I found a lot of myself in it. I feel also so lonely, sometimes I think that I am completely alone, I don't feel even like my therapist is there for me. This is my second therapist and she is psychiatrist. First I spent a year with psychologist and it was so big waste of time and I made almost zero progress. Now I am working three months with this new one and I have a huge struggle to make a confession to her about my feelings, behaviour and fears. It took me these three months just to start talking and I am still terrified even of her, let alone ashamed of everything what is in my head.
I had such a rough time talking to her that after couple of sessions I asked her to let me sitting on the floor. Actually I feel much better now after she let me bcs I can hold my arms around my legs and I feel safer that way, also I can avoid looking her in the eyes. Maybe you will think that I could feel inferior bcs of this but I really feel just much more comfortable this way and I am glad I got courage to ask her for that.
I have a great desire for hugs although I have almost nobody to give me them. I told my therapist that I even had a situation where I asked some people for hugs and it was really helpful although I am not in contact with them anymore and I simply can't ask for that anymore. And even I told her how badly I need somebody to hug me she almost never touches me at all, let alone to hug me. I think that would never happen. And I think it would mean a world to me, but I simply can not ask that from her.
In addition to this, I am terrified every day when I have to visit her, and that has nothing to do with her bcs I think she is very nice and patient and kind and experienced but I am so ashamed that I need to present myself to her in such an unpleasant way, and I am so worried she will think bad of me. And even she is convincing me in the opposite, I struggle session after session.
I consider also taking stuffed animal to the session, I have one I am sleeping with for last 4 years for how long I am having those issues but I haven't brought it yet, I just mentioned it to her.
Tmw I am visiting her after 9 days and I am so afraid I would again be stucked and I will waste my hour and have to wait for another week to pass.
I hope you will find this forum a safe place for you as I hope too for myself, I am new here too.
And I hope you will feel at least a little bit less lonely reading this as I felt less lonely only for a fact I had the opportunity to write this here for you.
I am sending you the most comforting hug I can give!
First I would like to thank you for your post. I found a lot of myself in it. I feel also so lonely, sometimes I think that I am completely alone, I don't feel even like my therapist is there for me. This is my second therapist and she is psychiatrist. First I spent a year with psychologist and it was so big waste of time and I made almost zero progress. Now I am working three months with this new one and I have a huge struggle to make a confession to her about my feelings, behaviour and fears. It took me these three months just to start talking and I am still terrified even of her, let alone ashamed of everything what is in my head.
I had such a rough time talking to her that after couple of sessions I asked her to let me sitting on the floor. Actually I feel much better now after she let me bcs I can hold my arms around my legs and I feel safer that way, also I can avoid looking her in the eyes. Maybe you will think that I could feel inferior bcs of this but I really feel just much more comfortable this way and I am glad I got courage to ask her for that.
I have a great desire for hugs although I have almost nobody to give me them. I told my therapist that I even had a situation where I asked some people for hugs and it was really helpful although I am not in contact with them anymore and I simply can't ask for that anymore. And even I told her how badly I need somebody to hug me she almost never touches me at all, let alone to hug me. I think that would never happen. And I think it would mean a world to me, but I simply can not ask that from her.
In addition to this, I am terrified every day when I have to visit her, and that has nothing to do with her bcs I think she is very nice and patient and kind and experienced but I am so ashamed that I need to present myself to her in such an unpleasant way, and I am so worried she will think bad of me. And even she is convincing me in the opposite, I struggle session after session.
I consider also taking stuffed animal to the session, I have one I am sleeping with for last 4 years for how long I am having those issues but I haven't brought it yet, I just mentioned it to her.
Tmw I am visiting her after 9 days and I am so afraid I would again be stucked and I will waste my hour and have to wait for another week to pass.
I hope you will find this forum a safe place for you as I hope too for myself, I am new here too.
And I hope you will feel at least a little bit less lonely reading this as I felt less lonely only for a fact I had the opportunity to write this here for you.
I am sending you the most comforting hug I can give!
Born to Run
Platinum Member
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