Hi Everyone, I have read postings over the past several months and educating myself on combat-Ptsd. I am just in a place where I am lost.
I have a relationship with someone who has combat-ptsd. Well, it's a relationship that seems to have come to an abrubt end before it really had a chance to be something amazing. There really isn't anyone I can talk to about this. As you all understand, anyone who doesn't have experience with ptsd just DOESN'T get it, and there is no way to make them understand.
To sum it up, I started pursuing a relationship with an old high school friend about 6 months ago. He is VERY open about what he is going through. He talks about Iraq, things he saw, things he did....though I know there are things he will never share. And he is just in a place where he seems to hate himself. He decided after we talked about getting into a relationship that he was not in a place AT THIS TIME that he could get in one, which I respected that he had stuff to work on and it would grow. I ended up moving to the same city he lived in.
We hadn't seen each other since high school, but of course, there was intense chemistry the night we got together....and yada yada yada. I won't share the details:) Though that happened, I was very careful as to not be "clingy", I knew exactly the place he was in. But he was also VERY aware of exactly what that night meant to me based on my history.
Then immediately after that, he still called to talk of course, for hours on the phone, but now started to reiterate how he wasn't ready for a relationship. I would just let him talk and say ok. Then he started telling me that he's planning to go overseas for his masters, which I love hearing because when we first started talking he felt so down on himself like he couldn't do anything. Since we have been talking, he see's himself doing more.
The next week we saw each other, and he was definitely in a "ptsd" mood. Saying all he wanted to do was fight someone. We had our first arguement that night and he made it very clear that he was not in a place to be in a relationship...yada yada. I made it very clear how I felt about him, then at the end I made the statement that we shouldn't talk because my feelings won't change. The end.
The next night he texted at 1am, and when I didn't respond, he called. He just wanted to talk for 2 hours about stuff we always talk about. I brought up nothing about the previous night. It's like he needed to know I was still there and I was ok. Which I was. But it was a little confusing.
I told him he needed to stop telling me he didn't want a relationship. He said that he just kept saying it because he needed to remind himself, not me. Whatever that means.
He tells me he has no emotions. But I know that comes and goes. Recently he has been distant. And I couldn't handle it, I broke down and told him how hard it was on me. It's hard because of things I have been through in the past, my history with relationships...bad history, which he knows.
I am in love with him. He has never been cruel, and if he thinks he hurts me he has always tried to fix it immediately.
He always left room for our relationship to grow. But this time he said, very bluntly, I thought you understood, I don't EVER want a romantic relationship with you.
That was hard to hear. He has never said NEVER.
I try to remember everything he deals with in his head, and the last thing I want is to ever bring pain into his life. So I will not tell him how much that hurt me. He went on to say his friends are valuable, he doens't have that many of them. Again about no emotions and hate for things. But he was sorry he didn't call me last week to see how I was doing in school and he still wants to hang out with me. He said he doesn't go out with people (but I know he does, which is another hard pill to swallow, because he NEVER wants to see me, he just wants to talk to me on the phone.....for hours quite often, except within the past couple of weeks).
I know it's common sense that if someone wants to be with you they will. But I also understand that loving someone with combat-ptsd is quite different. I don't want to be in denial, but I have a hard time believing that he has no feelings for me. I am going to give him all the space he wants. But I have realized that I need emotional support because of this.
I have had a couple of days where I couldn't even get up off of the couch.
I try not to take it personally, though it can be hard. I told him that no matter what, there would never be a day that I wouldn't be there for him. I think that's important.
I should add that he is newly divorced from an alcoholic wife who use to yell at him and tell him how worthless he is and cheated on him. So I just imagine how that adds to his anxiety about relationships.
He said he is going to start therapy, he knows he needs to.
Like many, I don't want to give up on a relationship with him. I just don't know for how long I should be hopeful and if I should really take the words I NEVER want to be in a relationship with you to heart.......
SORRY SOOO LONG:)
I have a relationship with someone who has combat-ptsd. Well, it's a relationship that seems to have come to an abrubt end before it really had a chance to be something amazing. There really isn't anyone I can talk to about this. As you all understand, anyone who doesn't have experience with ptsd just DOESN'T get it, and there is no way to make them understand.
To sum it up, I started pursuing a relationship with an old high school friend about 6 months ago. He is VERY open about what he is going through. He talks about Iraq, things he saw, things he did....though I know there are things he will never share. And he is just in a place where he seems to hate himself. He decided after we talked about getting into a relationship that he was not in a place AT THIS TIME that he could get in one, which I respected that he had stuff to work on and it would grow. I ended up moving to the same city he lived in.
We hadn't seen each other since high school, but of course, there was intense chemistry the night we got together....and yada yada yada. I won't share the details:) Though that happened, I was very careful as to not be "clingy", I knew exactly the place he was in. But he was also VERY aware of exactly what that night meant to me based on my history.
Then immediately after that, he still called to talk of course, for hours on the phone, but now started to reiterate how he wasn't ready for a relationship. I would just let him talk and say ok. Then he started telling me that he's planning to go overseas for his masters, which I love hearing because when we first started talking he felt so down on himself like he couldn't do anything. Since we have been talking, he see's himself doing more.
The next week we saw each other, and he was definitely in a "ptsd" mood. Saying all he wanted to do was fight someone. We had our first arguement that night and he made it very clear that he was not in a place to be in a relationship...yada yada. I made it very clear how I felt about him, then at the end I made the statement that we shouldn't talk because my feelings won't change. The end.
The next night he texted at 1am, and when I didn't respond, he called. He just wanted to talk for 2 hours about stuff we always talk about. I brought up nothing about the previous night. It's like he needed to know I was still there and I was ok. Which I was. But it was a little confusing.
I told him he needed to stop telling me he didn't want a relationship. He said that he just kept saying it because he needed to remind himself, not me. Whatever that means.
He tells me he has no emotions. But I know that comes and goes. Recently he has been distant. And I couldn't handle it, I broke down and told him how hard it was on me. It's hard because of things I have been through in the past, my history with relationships...bad history, which he knows.
I am in love with him. He has never been cruel, and if he thinks he hurts me he has always tried to fix it immediately.
He always left room for our relationship to grow. But this time he said, very bluntly, I thought you understood, I don't EVER want a romantic relationship with you.
That was hard to hear. He has never said NEVER.
I try to remember everything he deals with in his head, and the last thing I want is to ever bring pain into his life. So I will not tell him how much that hurt me. He went on to say his friends are valuable, he doens't have that many of them. Again about no emotions and hate for things. But he was sorry he didn't call me last week to see how I was doing in school and he still wants to hang out with me. He said he doesn't go out with people (but I know he does, which is another hard pill to swallow, because he NEVER wants to see me, he just wants to talk to me on the phone.....for hours quite often, except within the past couple of weeks).
I know it's common sense that if someone wants to be with you they will. But I also understand that loving someone with combat-ptsd is quite different. I don't want to be in denial, but I have a hard time believing that he has no feelings for me. I am going to give him all the space he wants. But I have realized that I need emotional support because of this.
I have had a couple of days where I couldn't even get up off of the couch.
I try not to take it personally, though it can be hard. I told him that no matter what, there would never be a day that I wouldn't be there for him. I think that's important.
I should add that he is newly divorced from an alcoholic wife who use to yell at him and tell him how worthless he is and cheated on him. So I just imagine how that adds to his anxiety about relationships.
He said he is going to start therapy, he knows he needs to.
Like many, I don't want to give up on a relationship with him. I just don't know for how long I should be hopeful and if I should really take the words I NEVER want to be in a relationship with you to heart.......
SORRY SOOO LONG:)
